Author fallendisguise Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Thank you all for the replies! Sorry I have been away from my computer for so long. LOL. I am going to try my best to hit on the points that I read. No, I am definitely not a frigid person. I am very affectionate and have been with him. But, I feel after seeing each other for a few days in a row I don't need to be over the top affectionate. I like to give hugs and kisses and tell my partner that I miss them, how much they mean to me, and how I can't wait to see them again. That was part of what attracted me to him to begin with. However, I have a problem when I can't go into another room in the house without being followed or work on my computer without the other person being ok that I'm not cuddling them on the couch. I love affection, but I don't feel that it should be so constant that you can't get away from it LOL. As for his past relationships... the last girl he dated was this last summer. They were only together for a couple months when she said that her feelings changed. She wanted to see him everyday and he said that was over the top. I'm guessing he didn't feel as strongly for her because he wants to see me every day. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy spending time with him, but I've explained from the START of our relationship that I am independent so that wasn't coming out of left field when I started asking for time off. He did have a serious relationship that turned into long distance and he has said that he thinks he has problems being away from me because it makes him uncomfortable from having that relationship. Now, I think I put a lot of emphasis on the issue being my need for a lone time. That isn't the only problem. On a daily basis he is overanalyzing my mood or something I have said which makes me feel that I am walking on eggshells. Looking back on the relationship, by behavior has been pretty constant. I am affectionate and open with how I feel. I don't push him away when I get frustrated. I try to be my most patient and nicely say that "no, there is nothing wrong sweets." If anything has changed, it's internally and maybe I am a little less affectionate, but I still make sure to cuddle him and make sure I say things that make him feel good... it just might be semi-frequently versus ALL DAY. LOL. A lot of you made very valid points about this possibly heading into a downward spiral. I think it is. Today is the first day we haven't had any contact and I do feel relieved (not a good sign) on the other hand I do still think about him and am concerned about how he is feeling. But I fear that if I send him a text saying hi it is going to turn into a relationship talk at which point I am going to feel frustrated all over again. Me saying "take care" last night and being overanalyzed for that just reinforced that I need this time off. Unfortunately, I am to the point that my desire to be with him sexually is going as a result of this and I don't think that is a good sign either. Can you reverse those feelings? Has anyone had any luck? Also, me saying that I want someone who is open and affectionate, yet strong means I'd like someone who is like me that likes affection and is able to communicate, but also doesn't need to be attached at the hip after a month. I believe that comes with time. (sorry for the long reply, I was trying to touch on everything I read )
Author fallendisguise Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Oh, and he does have other things going on his life, so I am not sure why he fixates on this so much. He does have a strong network of guy friends that he does go out with when I say I need alone time. Even though it is reluctantly. He does try to work out and is trying to get back in shape. He has sports coming up that he is looking forward to as well.
carhill Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Unfortunately, I am to the point that my desire to be with him sexually is going as a result of this and I don't think that is a good sign either. Can you reverse those feelings? Has anyone had any luck? If your intimacy styles re-align and you found him sexually attractive prior and your attraction flows from intimacy and physical areas (rather than from purely physical points), it's possible IMO to re-gain attraction. If it completely gone and you've emotionally detached, unlikely. To me, much depends on compatible emotional and sexual styles. It sounds like you two are missing (meaning not connecting healthily) emotionally. In my case, once I detached emotionally, and my stbx was unwilling/unable to do the work I wanted to do to reconnect, even though I still found her physically attractive, I had no interest in continuing in the M since we had become essentially incompatible. As she so clearly said, "I can't give you that". Accepted
Author fallendisguise Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 If your intimacy styles re-align and you found him sexually attractive prior and your attraction flows from intimacy and physical areas (rather than from purely physical points), it's possible IMO to re-gain attraction. If it completely gone and you've emotionally detached, unlikely. To me, much depends on compatible emotional and sexual styles. It sounds like you two are missing (meaning not connecting healthily) emotionally. I agree. I feel that my attraction level and sexual desire is tied to finding the person physically attractive and how I feel about the emotionally. Right now, I am no longer "seeing" him how I used to. I feel horrible for saying this, but I see someone who is being a baby and is draining me and no longer see the man that I fell for. I also think that I feel frustrated with the fact that I just lost my job and have an incredible weight on my shoulders as a result of that and he should be more understanding in that maybe he should back off a little with the emotional weight he is putting on me. I know that his overanalyzing comes from a good place because he wants this to work and is really excited about it. But with losing my job, I think it is expected that I am going to have other things on my mind from time to time so I am not going to be "on" 150% of the time. Just my thoughts.
OnlyJake Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I hate to say this... but I feel like I'm dating a girl! These are the "flags" I am seeing... - Whenever I need alone time (a day off to myself... I like them sorry!) we end up having a 1/2 hour convo, initiated by him, as to why I need alone time. As in "Is everything ok? Is this a sign that something is wrong in our relationship? Why do you need time to yourself?" - If I'm not super affectionate I get asked basically the same thing - If my answers to texts are too short or I don't put in a lot of smiley's or LOL's I am asked if I am not in the mood to joke or am I upset... (no, I'm driving and only able to reply at red lights!!!!!!!) - If I say ANYTHING out of the norm like "take care" instead of "goodnight" in a text I am asked what that means and is it an indication something is wrong - He needs to constantly talk about the relationship and how he feels about me and it - Heaven forbid there is ONE night that I am not in the mood for a little action.. (I am laughing right now, but it is not funny LOL) Hopefully, you get the point, because I could keep going LOL. I will openly admit that I can be needy and insecure at times, but I have been with the most incredible guy for just over a month and as time goes on he is becoming more and more needy and clingy. When I met this guy I had a lot of feelings for him. He is a great guy, nice, sweet, considerate, treats me better than anyone has and so we kind of rushed into things. Which has been great up unitl the last few weeks. I'm starting to feel that I have to watch what I say or do because it is going to result in him overanalyzing me, feeling insecure, and us having a relationship talk. Don't get me wrong, I want someone who can be affectionate and open with how they feel, but I also need someone who can be the strong one. I am starting to get frustrated with all of this and have said as much. He says that he is trying to be more secure in our relationship. When I ask what I am doing to make him feel insecure about it, he says nothing. He is happy with me and the relationship. Yet he is insecure?????? (Pulling at my hair!) He thinks it might be because the above mentioned were all signs that the girl was pulling away in the past. Well now I can't help but pull away. I don't think I can see him anymore. All of his overanalyzing and neediness makes me unattracted to him and are getting in the way of how I feel. Any thoughts or suggestions? Am I possibly so caught up in this that I am over reacting? This is my first time dealing with this kind of issue.. so thank you ahead of time. You're a better woman than I; I wouldn't be able to deal with that crap. I'd abandon ship ASAP.
carhill Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I agree. I feel that my attraction level and sexual desire is tied to finding the person physically attractive and how I feel about them emotionally. Right now, I am no longer "seeing" him how I used to. I feel horrible for saying this, but I see someone who is being a baby and is draining me and no longer see the man that I fell for. Perfect! This is the kind of stuff we worked on in MC. Can you communicate this to him in a sensitive and caring way? When you said 'see', you described exactly how my vision for my sbtx changed, although the dynamic in our case was far different than you're describing for yourself. I think, if we had both *clearly* communicated these essential feelings and perspectives earlier, much stress and rancor could have been avoided and it's possible we never would have been married. The sad reality was that our communication was far better at the end of the M than it was at any other time. Painful but valuable lesson. My sympathies on your job loss. It's tough out there. A tip.... when sharing such news, I assume you want sympathy and support, and that's healthy; however, a typical man will immediately focus of *fixing* that problem, and he likely won't respond in a way you find positive. This is where clear communication helps. Hope you can work through it, or, alternatively, end it in a positive way
Author fallendisguise Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 You're a better woman than I; I wouldn't be able to deal with that crap. I'd abandon ship ASAP. LOL!!! I am certainly not. Trust me, every part of me is screaming to do just that. I'm just trying to make sure I don't end up regretting it.
Author fallendisguise Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 Perfect! This is the kind of stuff we worked on in MC. Can you communicate this to him in a sensitive and caring way? When you said 'see', you described exactly how my vision for my sbtx changed, although the dynamic in our case was far different than you're describing for yourself. I think, if we had both *clearly* communicated these essential feelings and perspectives earlier, much stress and rancor could have been avoided and it's possible we never would have been married. The sad reality was that our communication was far better at the end of the M than it was at any other time. Painful but valuable lesson. My sympathies on your job loss. It's tough out there. A tip.... when sharing such news, I assume you want sympathy and support, and that's healthy; however, a typical man will immediately focus of *fixing* that problem, and he likely won't respond in a way you find positive. This is where clear communication helps. Hope you can work through it, or, alternatively, end it in a positive way Thanks Carhill! Believe it or not I am ok with the job loss. I look at it as an opportunity for something new. I understand enough about men to know that they want to "fix" things, so I don't need a lot of emotional support with that. That's what we have girl friends for! LOL. He rather just over looks it and focuses on the relationship. I'd rather him understand I have things on my mind like trying to find work (sometimes that is why I am distracted) and to let it be.
carhill Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I'd rather him understand I have things on my mind like trying to find work (sometimes that is why I am distracted) and to let it be. 'Hon, I love your attention but I really need to focus on this work thing right now. Can we come back to this later?' And, then, proactively, you approach him to talk about 'the relationship' or whatever 'it' is. This was a tool we found useful, as my stbx would get 'overwhelmed' sometimes with my intensity regarding 'stuff', so she would request we table it and return to it. My job was to accept that regardless of how I felt at the moment. Her job was to, within a reasonable time, like the same day, come back to it and proactively approach me. Also, I learned to slow down my mirroring, since my mind moved at a different pace from hers. Essentially, behavioral alterations. I don't know if any of that would be valuable to you but I paid that psychologist a ton of money so I figure someone might benefit
PJKino Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Does sound a little clingy,everyone needs their free time and if he cant undertsand that early on imagine a few years from now?? Only thing i dont like which is what allot of women say they dont want a man to be insceure at all becasue they are and they want their Man to be strong because they arent You shouldnt look for your partner to fill a wekaness you have.. As far as insecurity its something everyone has..Its called being human..Women expect a Man to be superman or robots who never have insecurites
sid3 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Tell him straight up, ONE last time about your needs, what his are, how his behavior is killing the spark etc. That's it, he can either become confident about your attraction to him and do the things he needs to to give you space, make you happy and continue the relationship, if he just doesn't get it and continues with the clinginess, that's when you call it quits with no regrett, he was told straight up, how he responded is up to him and him alone.
Chitowngirl Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Yup, he's a needy puppy. My ex was a very needy man. He was also very insecure and constantly needed attention; not just from me, but EVERYONE. He loved attention, and being the center of it. He also needed constant reassurance about my love for him, if he looked good, if he was good at his job, etc etc etc. He would get ANGRY if I was not home waiting for him after his business trip. One time he called to say he was home and was so mad that I was walking home from the gym that he said, "FINE! I'll go to the gym now too!!!" So he packed his things and went to the gym after I had left the gym... It was difficult to put up with at first, but eventually I found it endearing. I hate to say this... but I feel like I'm dating a girl! These are the "flags" I am seeing... - Whenever I need alone time (a day off to myself... I like them sorry!) we end up having a 1/2 hour convo, initiated by him, as to why I need alone time. As in "Is everything ok? Is this a sign that something is wrong in our relationship? Why do you need time to yourself?" - If I'm not super affectionate I get asked basically the same thing - If my answers to texts are too short or I don't put in a lot of smiley's or LOL's I am asked if I am not in the mood to joke or am I upset... (no, I'm driving and only able to reply at red lights!!!!!!!) - If I say ANYTHING out of the norm like "take care" instead of "goodnight" in a text I am asked what that means and is it an indication something is wrong - He needs to constantly talk about the relationship and how he feels about me and it - Heaven forbid there is ONE night that I am not in the mood for a little action.. (I am laughing right now, but it is not funny LOL) Hopefully, you get the point, because I could keep going LOL. I will openly admit that I can be needy and insecure at times, but I have been with the most incredible guy for just over a month and as time goes on he is becoming more and more needy and clingy. When I met this guy I had a lot of feelings for him. He is a great guy, nice, sweet, considerate, treats me better than anyone has and so we kind of rushed into things. Which has been great up unitl the last few weeks. I'm starting to feel that I have to watch what I say or do because it is going to result in him overanalyzing me, feeling insecure, and us having a relationship talk. Don't get me wrong, I want someone who can be affectionate and open with how they feel, but I also need someone who can be the strong one. I am starting to get frustrated with all of this and have said as much. He says that he is trying to be more secure in our relationship. When I ask what I am doing to make him feel insecure about it, he says nothing. He is happy with me and the relationship. Yet he is insecure?????? (Pulling at my hair!) He thinks it might be because the above mentioned were all signs that the girl was pulling away in the past. Well now I can't help but pull away. I don't think I can see him anymore. All of his overanalyzing and neediness makes me unattracted to him and are getting in the way of how I feel. Any thoughts or suggestions? Am I possibly so caught up in this that I am over reacting? This is my first time dealing with this kind of issue.. so thank you ahead of time.
AD1980 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Yup, he's a needy puppy. My ex was a very needy man. He was also very insecure and constantly needed attention; not just from me, but EVERYONE. He loved attention, and being the center of it. He also needed constant reassurance about my love for him, if he looked good, if he was good at his job, etc etc etc. He would get ANGRY if I was not home waiting for him after his business trip. One time he called to say he was home and was so mad that I was walking home from the gym that he said, "FINE! I'll go to the gym now too!!!" So he packed his things and went to the gym after I had left the gym... It was difficult to put up with at first, but eventually I found it endearing. Now you know how Men feel being with most women:p
Chitowngirl Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Now you know how Men feel being with most women:p lol yeah, after re-reading that, he does sound like a little bitch.
mrkleen Posted March 12, 2010 Posted March 12, 2010 (edited) Fallendisguise First off, I really respect and appreciate the fact that you, unlike so many other people in the world these days – are not running for the hills at the first sign of an issue. People treat relationships as disposable these days, and you very well may have a great guy that is just at a bad and vulnerable place in his life. I do agree with many others that have said that if you need to tell him over and over that you need space and that you need him to calm down and slow things down – and he does not get it, it is probably best to move on. But I think for the sake of giving him a fair chance, you are doing the right thing. From a guys point of view, if things start off hot and heavy – it is very confusing when a woman tries to refocus things and slow them down. That seems like a rejection, and can make us feel less confident and more needy. I am not saying you should have let it go on down the track like a runaway train – but you have to also understand that most men have fragile egos – and this kind of thing is prone to throw us off, at least in the short term. Another thing to consider is what is going on in his life. Is he happy at work? Does he have a good living situation? Has he been through any recent stresses like a death in the family or the loss of a job? All of these are things that could lend themselves to making him more vulnerable and needy than he usually might be. In the end, he very well might be a needy guy to his soul – and the two of you may not be compatible. But maybe taking a step back (a couple of weeks or even a month apat from each other) is the way to go. If after that, you are happy to be rid of him – you will have your answer. On the other hand, if you find that you are happy to be rid of the heaviness of things, but miss him and his presence in your life…you will also have a new game plan to lay out to him. Tell him you can only really handle seeing him 1 or 2 times a week, can only email a few times a day – one phone call…and that is it for now. As things progress and he can show that he is back to his old, fun, independent self – things can grow and progress. If he can not only agree to this, but appreciate where you are coming from – you may well be able to work things out. If he cannot, and falls back into his needy, overbearing ways….then you will know with certainty that he is not for you and be able to move on. Good luck…it sounds like this guys is testing your patience, but it also sounds like he has a lot of great qualities that you found so attractive at first. Good men don’t come around often…maybe he is worth the effort. Edited March 12, 2010 by mrkleen
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