fallendisguise Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I hate to say this... but I feel like I'm dating a girl! These are the "flags" I am seeing... - Whenever I need alone time (a day off to myself... I like them sorry!) we end up having a 1/2 hour convo, initiated by him, as to why I need alone time. As in "Is everything ok? Is this a sign that something is wrong in our relationship? Why do you need time to yourself?" - If I'm not super affectionate I get asked basically the same thing - If my answers to texts are too short or I don't put in a lot of smiley's or LOL's I am asked if I am not in the mood to joke or am I upset... (no, I'm driving and only able to reply at red lights!!!!!!!) - If I say ANYTHING out of the norm like "take care" instead of "goodnight" in a text I am asked what that means and is it an indication something is wrong - He needs to constantly talk about the relationship and how he feels about me and it - Heaven forbid there is ONE night that I am not in the mood for a little action.. (I am laughing right now, but it is not funny LOL) Hopefully, you get the point, because I could keep going LOL. I will openly admit that I can be needy and insecure at times, but I have been with the most incredible guy for just over a month and as time goes on he is becoming more and more needy and clingy. When I met this guy I had a lot of feelings for him. He is a great guy, nice, sweet, considerate, treats me better than anyone has and so we kind of rushed into things. Which has been great up unitl the last few weeks. I'm starting to feel that I have to watch what I say or do because it is going to result in him overanalyzing me, feeling insecure, and us having a relationship talk. Don't get me wrong, I want someone who can be affectionate and open with how they feel, but I also need someone who can be the strong one. I am starting to get frustrated with all of this and have said as much. He says that he is trying to be more secure in our relationship. When I ask what I am doing to make him feel insecure about it, he says nothing. He is happy with me and the relationship. Yet he is insecure?????? (Pulling at my hair!) He thinks it might be because the above mentioned were all signs that the girl was pulling away in the past. Well now I can't help but pull away. I don't think I can see him anymore. All of his overanalyzing and neediness makes me unattracted to him and are getting in the way of how I feel. Any thoughts or suggestions? Am I possibly so caught up in this that I am over reacting? This is my first time dealing with this kind of issue.. so thank you ahead of time.
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 When I met this guy I had a lot of feelings for him. He is a great guy, nice, sweet, considerate, treats me better than anyone has. I'm starting to feel that I have to watch what I say or do because it is going to result in him overanalyzing me, feeling insecure, and us having a relationship talk. Don't get me wrong, I want someone who can be affectionate and open with how they feel, but I also need someone who can be the strong one. I am starting to get frustrated with all of this and have said as much. All of his overanalyzing and neediness makes me unattracted to him and are getting in the way of how I feel. Have you told him he needs to tone it down even more? Did you explain how it's turning you off? I completely understand where you're coming from but does he realize how serious you are?
Author fallendisguise Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Yes, I have soulm8. This weekend I finally broke down and said I needed time away (a few days) from this situation because I was feeling so frustrated and pressured to watch what I say or how I act that it was interfering with my feelings for him. That did not go over well and I thought at the time that he understood where I was coming from. However, today I finally had to tell him "time off" meant little to no contact because he was still texting me constantly and calling me a couple times a day. I just felt like I couldn't breathe and of course that turned into me having to re-explain everything I did when I said I need time to stop feeling pressured and think about how we should proceed (like slowing down). I think it really started with me saying I was going to stay home one night and everytime since it has turned into what I mentioned before. 2-3 times a week I was having to re-explain that I am an independent person and I decompress when I am alone and no nothing is wrong. I enjoy my own company. So knowing that it took me roughly about 8-12 times of explaining that in the last month and half makes me wonder if that is how many talks this is going to take. I'm not sure I have it in me and I don't want him to feel that he can't ask questions or talk about how he feels, but at the same time it is too much. I feel like I'm stuck in a no win situation.
counterman Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 It seems to be that is he is focusing solely on this relationship. I hope there are other things going on in his life as well as this as this will definitely take some pressure off you and the relationship. You are no being unreasonable. In saying that, when he is being affectionate are you reciprocating with the same vigour? If you aren't, then that would also be an issue. He would be insecure about that. If you keep explaining and explaining and reassuring and reassuring and he still doesn't get it, be fair to him and let him go. Bigger issues will spur from this and it will take its toll on the both of you.
RedDevil66 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Lack of affection ususally is a red flag so sounds like he may be looking out for his feelings. You seem like you can be a little rigid and cold to him so he's looking for answers. Maybe you need a guy less passionate and be with someone more like you?!
Taramere Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Maybe it would be an idea to talk to him a bit about past relationships he's been in, and what his ex girlfriends' expectations were. If it turns out that a former girlfriend got stressed out and upset if he didn't behave in the ways that you're finding offputting, then that - rather than a great deal of emotional neediness on his part - might be the problem here. Perhaps he was in a relationship with someone who talked about needing alone time as a way of letting him know she was angry with him. Or said "take care" when she was initiating a break-up. You've described him as an incredible guy, so there are obviously many positives about him...and there are certainly far worse things a man can do than be a bit emotionally needy. Rather than just dismissing him as being insecure and needy, I'd be inclined to explore a little why he has those reactions to you saying you need a bit of time to yourself, or saying "take care" at the end of a phone call. It's just part of good communication, and it seems a pity to start detaching yourself from a great guy just because he's displaying a few insecure responses to some of the things you do and say. I think the more you start putting him into that "insecure and needy" box, the more likely it is that you'll unconsciously behave in ways that will bring out his insecure side. It is, after all, human nature to want to be proved right in our assumptions about other people. If I were you I'd talk to him about it, so that he's clearer that you wanting a bit of time to yourself says nothing negative about him, and is purely about what you need in order to recharge and bring the best of yourself to the relationship.
counterman Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Taramere has some very good points here. It is important that you effectively communicate with him on this matter and find out why he is like this. Talk to him about it rather then just thinking that he is insecure, even if he seems to be, and needy. It seems that there are misunderstandings from both sides, so definitely discuss this.
Els Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 While I think he's exceptionally needy for a guy.. I honestly think you're on the other end of the spectrum as well. Are you sure you're in love with this guy? I read your post to mean that you need some alone-time 2-3 times a week, but do correct me if I'm wrong. While plenty of very steady (or new) relationships are based on only spending time with one's partner 3-4 times a week, you sound like yours isn't all that old yet - the sparks should still be flying, no? Wouldn't you want to at least hear from him everyday? Do you feel that you at least miss him if you don't - or do you just feel relieved? If it's the latter, I really think that you're not in love with him. Perhaps it's his clingy behaviour that's making you feel this way - only you can know that. But if it continues it's only going to be a downward spiral. Clingy people get clingier when they feel their partner is slipping away and/or disinterested, and I'm guessing that's what's happening to him. You really, really, shouldn't need to overanalyse everything with him though - that really kills interest, I agree. Feel ya on that, hon.
lab_brat Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 (edited) I feel for you. He's become a clinger, and the more you try to breathe, the tighter he clings, till you just want him to leave you the hell alone! Its natural to want time alone, and you shouldn't need to justify that, or every nuance you make. I hate guys like that. I always somehow end up with guys like that. It gets to the point where you're faking everything you do, trying to be perfect and perky and wonderful all the freaking time just so you don't have to have those drawn out exhausting conversations about how you didnt make him feel appreciated and prioritised and special (because you didnt leap into his arms the minute you saw him). You can't be real around them. You can't ever have an off day, or not be in the mood, or be distracted. They are draining because they need you to be available, eager, perfect, loving, attentive every fricking second of every day. Honestly, i'm not sure how to come back from a relationship like this - after it gets to that point where you just want them to leave you alone, i think its over. Good luck. Edited February 9, 2010 by lab_brat
tami-chan Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I agree with labrat...when the frustration gets to the point where I want to be left alone, I just do not know how to go back to a point where I will long to hear from him. It's pretty much over. I can deny it, I can kid myself about it...but from that point on, I think I will start noticing more annoying little quirks about him. Thus begin the long, process of goodbye. I say, let him go now.
counterman Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 In my situation with my ex, she was never that into me so whenever I tried to get a bit more intimated it would not rub well with her. So, literally, anything i did would seem clingy. Sparks were definitely not flying. If it reaches the point of resentment and frustration, then keeping your relationship going is going to be real tough. It will be a bitter end.
bayouboi Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Lack of affection ususally is a red flag so sounds like he may be looking out for his feelings. You seem like you can be a little rigid and cold to him so he's looking for answers. Maybe you need a guy less passionate and be with someone more like you?! I agree. It sounds like you're not really into him.
Taramere Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 II will openly admit that I can be needy and insecure at times, but I have been with the most incredible guy for just over a month and as time goes on he is becoming more and more needy and clingy. When I met this guy I had a lot of feelings for him. He is a great guy, nice, sweet, considerate, treats me better than anyone has... This is the bit that stands out for me. It suggests that you've been the needy and insecure one in previous relationships (where you haven't, perhaps, been treated all that well). Now you get the opportunity to be on the other side of that power imbalance with someone who seems to need you more than you need him. ...and so we kind of rushed into things. Which has been great up unitl the last few weeks. I'm starting to feel that I have to watch what I say or do because it is going to result in him overanalyzing me, feeling insecure, and us having a relationship talk. Don't get me wrong, I want someone who can be affectionate and open with how they feel, but I also need someone who can be the strong one. Of course you do. We all want other people's moods and responses to complement the way we're feeling (and the needs we have) at any particular time. It can't happen. Every man you ever have a relationship with will, at some point, be either cold at a time you're feeling insecure and in need of affection...or he'll be too clingy, in a what that makes you feel slightly suffocated. Nobody gets the balance right 100% of the time. Any thoughts or suggestions? Am I possibly so caught up in this that I am over reacting? This is my first time dealing with this kind of issue.. so thank you ahead of time. I think I'd tell him something like. "If something about me and the way I am makes you feel insecure, then this isn't going to be fun for either of us. I like you a lot, but I'm really not feeling too positive about having to present someone I've only been dating for a month with explanations and reassurance every time I need a day or two to myself. It's starting to kill things for me. Don't you ever have the need for a bit of alone time?" It would be hurtful, no doubt, but it would be honest. Letting him know exactly what he's doing that's turning you off here. If he responds with a lot of guilt tripping, anger or frustration, then those will be some real warning signs for you. If he's just a bit hurt, but accepts the way you feel, recognises that maybe he has gone over the top with the clinginess and "relationship talks", then who knows? Maybe all won't be lost, and the two of you will work something out.
DustySaltus Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Fallen, as others have said it could be a product of his past. Maybe he's had a bad string of relationships. Maybe he was in a relationship where it was the other way around and the girl kind of "brainwashed" him into thinking that he needs to be clingy all the time. I was burned by my ex pretty bad and I still have my moments with my current gf where I say, "I would tell you how I really feel about "x" but I know it's just going to get thrown back in my face down the line". And you know what.....she would call me out on it and tell me that it wasn't the right thing to do. Of course I knew it wasn't the right thing to do but I was all caught up in myself. Point being, if you see this as something you want to pursue you need to set up boundaries sooner than later. Any time a relationship gets to a point of resentment you either need to walk away or have clear communication about what your needs are as well as what you are willing to accept and not accept. The question is whether or not that is what you want? Because if you see someone that you know deep down is a good guy, there's going to be a lot of heavy lifting involved.
meerkat stew Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 That level of neediness in a month? Freakish. Don't know if others realize you have only been together a month, but the behavior is worse when viewed from that perspective. Had one of these last year, best to lay out some distance right now or you will be completely turned off, then it will be too late. IME distance is the only way, because these types just don't listen. They will act like they do, then be right back at it that very same day when you had the talk. Maybe yours is different, hope so.
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 He says that he is trying to be more secure in our relationship. Set a timeline for his actions to reflect those words. Based on the list you provided, I think I'd make it a short one.
gypsy_nicky Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 taramere has very good points. OP, when you describe your boy being clingy does it seem like he's trying to control you? If its been consistent with his past relationships, maybe its him and the women he chooses (i.e women are emotionally aloof or emotionally secure and he attaches insecurely).
Zeegagge Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 It sounds like another nice guy relationship. This is the way these typically go. you are very into him at first because he is so nice to you. After a while you begin to see the causes and underlying issues of him being so nice. Insecurity in both himself and the relationship are the main ones. This guy has issues and if they are not resolved soon you will end up leaving him and probably go for a guy with a Harley and a tattoo of a naked woman (maybe not but you get the idea). He is placing one hundred percent of his self worth and value into you and the relationship. He is using you to validate himself because he cannot do it on his own. He needs to find himself. He needs to grow a pair. Whether or not you should hang around for this, I have no idea. This is regardless of what his past relationships entailed. If anything he should have gained some strength from those relationships and it sounds like instead he just got more paranoid. If you're trying to save this relationship from the destructive course that it's on, then you've got the right idea by taking time to yourself. Now make it even more so time to yourself. You need to take a few days off at a time, like 3-4. During this time you should allow very little contact. Much less than what is happening now (well you already know this, it's the whole problem, lol). During this time he needs to be finding himself. Hanging out with strong male friends/family would be a great way for him to do that. I hope he has some, if not probably yet another red flag. Playing a sport, or even drinking beer at the nearest honky tonk might help. He needs to be finding himself and his own strength outside of you. That can be very hard and take a long time for some guys. Don't baby him any more. Don't fake your own actions to please him. That just makes things worse. Don't explain to him any more about these problems. Just tell him you've already said what you have to say, you're doing your own thing and if he's wondering what's going on then he should remember the last 958940 times you talked about it. If he whines or moans or cries just be hard to him and then leave/hang up. Tell him you'll talk to him again later but that for now he should be down at the sports bar cheering for the local team.
New_Life08 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 If his concerns are that your present behavior does not convey past behavior; then he may have a point. If this has always been your MO and he has now decided to gripe about it, then I can see your frustration. If you have always been this way then all you can do is talk to him about why this is suddenly an issue for him, and how smothered it makes you feel.
Malenfant Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 you shouldnt have to walk on eggshells in a relationship for fear of upsetting the other person by accident. your guy is way hyper-sensitive, and although that demands a certain amount of pity, its really not your problem to solve.
stillafool Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I hate to say this... but I feel like I'm dating a girl! These are the "flags" I am seeing... - Whenever I need alone time (a day off to myself... I like them sorry!) we end up having a 1/2 hour convo, initiated by him, as to why I need alone time. As in "Is everything ok? Is this a sign that something is wrong in our relationship? Why do you need time to yourself?" - If I'm not super affectionate I get asked basically the same thing - If my answers to texts are too short or I don't put in a lot of smiley's or LOL's I am asked if I am not in the mood to joke or am I upset... (no, I'm driving and only able to reply at red lights!!!!!!!) - If I say ANYTHING out of the norm like "take care" instead of "goodnight" in a text I am asked what that means and is it an indication something is wrong - He needs to constantly talk about the relationship and how he feels about me and it - Heaven forbid there is ONE night that I am not in the mood for a little action.. (I am laughing right now, but it is not funny LOL) Hopefully, you get the point, because I could keep going LOL. I will openly admit that I can be needy and insecure at times, but I have been with the most incredible guy for just over a month and as time goes on he is becoming more and more needy and clingy. When I met this guy I had a lot of feelings for him. He is a great guy, nice, sweet, considerate, treats me better than anyone has and so we kind of rushed into things. Which has been great up unitl the last few weeks. I'm starting to feel that I have to watch what I say or do because it is going to result in him overanalyzing me, feeling insecure, and us having a relationship talk. Don't get me wrong, I want someone who can be affectionate and open with how they feel, but I also need someone who can be the strong one. I am starting to get frustrated with all of this and have said as much. He says that he is trying to be more secure in our relationship. When I ask what I am doing to make him feel insecure about it, he says nothing. He is happy with me and the relationship. Yet he is insecure?????? (Pulling at my hair!) He thinks it might be because the above mentioned were all signs that the girl was pulling away in the past. Well now I can't help but pull away. I don't think I can see him anymore. All of his overanalyzing and neediness makes me unattracted to him and are getting in the way of how I feel. Any thoughts or suggestions? Am I possibly so caught up in this that I am over reacting? This is my first time dealing with this kind of issue.. so thank you ahead of time. I am hearing this alot lately from women about how men seem to be so "needy" these days. Interesting.
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I am hearing this alot lately from women about how men seem to be so "needy" these days. Interesting. From the OP: I want someone who can be affectionate and open with how they feel, but I also need someone who can be the strong one. While I personally feel the OP's partner needs to work on some communication and insecurity issues away from a relationship, the two quoted comments speak to particular expectations and observations of men these days. Hopefully, the OP can achieve a balance of the positives and negatives of 'open and affectionate {emotionally}' and 'strong'. She's talking about a pretty complex cocktail. OP, has he communicated his expectations about emotional and communication setpoints? If so, how does that match up?
mem11363 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 A sexless relationship. He will definitely drive this to a "i love you, but not in love with you" state if he doesn't change. FD, Lets start with you. You are normal. Your response to this situation is actually extra nice. The typical woman would be gone by now. As for him - he might be fixable - but he needs to find a way to become secure. Because ALL his behaviors scream insecurity and will eventually drive any woman away. He needs to find other high priority activities/focus areas that he can pursue when you are busy/tired/need space. Like if he were my son I would ask him how hard he was working on: - Staying physically fit - Staying / getting financially fit via his career and - What hobbies he was developing just for fun IME - increasing physical and financial fitness increases a persons self esteem. And a good hobby is good for his head as well. One reason my wife and I are still "in love" in year 21 is that we are both secure. I don't crowd her - not for time, nor for sex. And she doesn't crowd me either. With that said she KNOWS she is my highest priority. And vice versa. But there is a massive difference between being someones highest priority and having that person cling to you as if you were their emotional life raft. Crowding someone causes them to pull away, the insecure person then chases and the slow inexorable downward spiral of withdrawal/pursuit begins. I hate to say this... but I feel like I'm dating a girl! These are the "flags" I am seeing... - Whenever I need alone time (a day off to myself... I like them sorry!) we end up having a 1/2 hour convo, initiated by him, as to why I need alone time. As in "Is everything ok? Is this a sign that something is wrong in our relationship? Why do you need time to yourself?" - If I'm not super affectionate I get asked basically the same thing - If my answers to texts are too short or I don't put in a lot of smiley's or LOL's I am asked if I am not in the mood to joke or am I upset... (no, I'm driving and only able to reply at red lights!!!!!!!) - If I say ANYTHING out of the norm like "take care" instead of "goodnight" in a text I am asked what that means and is it an indication something is wrong - He needs to constantly talk about the relationship and how he feels about me and it - Heaven forbid there is ONE night that I am not in the mood for a little action.. (I am laughing right now, but it is not funny LOL) Hopefully, you get the point, because I could keep going LOL. I will openly admit that I can be needy and insecure at times, but I have been with the most incredible guy for just over a month and as time goes on he is becoming more and more needy and clingy. When I met this guy I had a lot of feelings for him. He is a great guy, nice, sweet, considerate, treats me better than anyone has and so we kind of rushed into things. Which has been great up unitl the last few weeks. I'm starting to feel that I have to watch what I say or do because it is going to result in him overanalyzing me, feeling insecure, and us having a relationship talk. Don't get me wrong, I want someone who can be affectionate and open with how they feel, but I also need someone who can be the strong one. I am starting to get frustrated with all of this and have said as much. He says that he is trying to be more secure in our relationship. When I ask what I am doing to make him feel insecure about it, he says nothing. He is happy with me and the relationship. Yet he is insecure?????? (Pulling at my hair!) He thinks it might be because the above mentioned were all signs that the girl was pulling away in the past. Well now I can't help but pull away. I don't think I can see him anymore. All of his overanalyzing and neediness makes me unattracted to him and are getting in the way of how I feel. Any thoughts or suggestions? Am I possibly so caught up in this that I am over reacting? This is my first time dealing with this kind of issue.. so thank you ahead of time.
silverfish Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 A sexless relationship. He will definitely drive this to a "i love you, but not in love with you" state if he doesn't change. FD, Lets start with you. You are normal. Your response to this situation is actually extra nice. The typical woman would be gone by now. As for him - he might be fixable - but he needs to find a way to become secure. Because ALL his behaviors scream insecurity and will eventually drive any woman away. He needs to find other high priority activities/focus areas that he can pursue when you are busy/tired/need space. Like if he were my son I would ask him how hard he was working on: - Staying physically fit - Staying / getting financially fit via his career and - What hobbies he was developing just for fun IME - increasing physical and financial fitness increases a persons self esteem. And a good hobby is good for his head as well. One reason my wife and I are still "in love" in year 21 is that we are both secure. I don't crowd her - not for time, nor for sex. And she doesn't crowd me either. With that said she KNOWS she is my highest priority. And vice versa. But there is a massive difference between being someones highest priority and having that person cling to you as if you were their emotional life raft. Crowding someone causes them to pull away, the insecure person then chases and the slow inexorable downward spiral of withdrawal/pursuit begins. I agree with this. I ended my last relationship partly because my BF behaved like this. He completely smothered me, and even though he eventually did understand that needing time to yourself does not mean that you don't want to spend time together, it was too late and I just didn't feel the same way about him. Since we broke up, its taken me a while to get back to normal. I saw less of my friends and family for a while because I felt over loaded with attention from him. I found it tiring and draining sometimes, and it felt like hard work.
calizaggy Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 At times i have been the "needy " guy.. But usually, or almost always I became "needy" once she started to pull away.. An example would be meeting a woman who wants to spend every minute with me, loves me, non stop emails, texts etc.. I progress slowly.. Then later we start to see each other everyday, and seemingly out of nowhere she is then acts differently.. At this point she might talk differently, ask for days apart, etc, in which I would then question what was going on..I guess i was then "being needy".
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