DenverBachelor Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 (edited) As I reflect back on my past relationship and get past the hatred of what happened, I'm starting to understand the need for closure. What is closure? Well, we've all grown up in a world of sitcom shows and nursery rhymes where there is some final happy outcome. Imagine the sitcom Friends if all of them got into a big fight and just slammed the door and the lights went out. What kind of closure is that? We watched that for all those seasons just to see the main characters get pissed off and hate each other? No! That's not right -- so naturally there is a lot of open happy threads and someone looking back in the apartment with a smile on their face as they turn the lights off. Hell, it's been a great seven years or so, and we're all moving on happy but perhaps not together. Is that closure? Or think of the train that thought he could. He kept saying, "I think I can, I think I can" as he chugged up that large mountain. Growing more weary and tired, he kept chugging along, because he saw the top of that large mountain and knew internally that he could overcome it. And just when he took his last gasp of steam, his front wheels went over the top and his weight moved over towards the downhill ride. Just when he had no more energy left, it was gravity that suddenly came through and helped him continue onward. So what is closure? Right? What about Humpty Dumpty? That's a little different, right? As if a symbol of a failed relationship, the Nursery Rhyme went: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men Couldn't put Humpty together again. All of the king's horses ... all of the king's men ... anyone and everyone couldn't make it right again. No matter how hard they tried, no matter how many ways they put the pieces together -- Humpty Dumpty would never be put back together again. We're accustomed to happy endings. We need it to bring closure. Is that closure? To find some string or element in the past relationship that makes us realize that we experienced something great and wonderful and that it was magical. Is it the turning out of the light to an old apartment we'll never live in again but knowing we had great times in there? Is it something innate to the human experience to say, "from all the pain and all the pleasure ... from that massive stretch of good times and bad, we were ultimately a couple that grew together and shared some eternal bond -- at least for a little while." What's eternal if it ends? What's that stretch of infinity that is finite, if we're only a part of it for a little while, yet those emotions stretch on far beyond? Is this closure? What is closure? Edited February 9, 2010 by DenverBachelor
EricaH329 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I believe that closure is when you get to the point of understanding and acceptance. When you've realized your part in the relationship, and what you can do to prevent it from happening in future relationships. Acceptance is a key factor in closure. Knowing that what you had with your ex will never be what it once was, and realizing that you are ok with that. You learn a lot from that relationship, and are finally happy and willing to move on from it. When you look back at your relationship with resentment, or anger... you have not recieved closure. It's when you can think of the times you've had with this other person, with a smile. Not sadness, or anger, or fear, etc. Being grateful for being able to have this experience.
USMCHokie Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I believe that closure is when you get to the point of understanding and acceptance. When you've realized your part in the relationship, and what you can do to prevent it from happening in future relationships. Acceptance is a key factor in closure. Knowing that what you had with your ex will never be what it once was, and realizing that you are ok with that. You learn a lot from that relationship, and are finally happy and willing to move on from it. When you look back at your relationship with resentment, or anger... you have not recieved closure. It's when you can think of the times you've had with this other person, with a smile. Not sadness, or anger, or fear, etc. Being grateful for being able to have this experience. I think Erica is spot on. Couldn't have said it better myself, so I'll just quote and +1.
USMCHokie Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Closure.....lately I've often thought that it is some BS term that a psychiatrist came up with that has been way overused and overrated. In all seriousness I think society tries to tell us that the other person in the relationship owes us this, but in fact it's something that we have to find ourselves. I think there are certain things in life that we never get completely over or that we never find complete closure about. Hopefully as time goes by with do find a sense of peace about things. For me, closure means peace of mind. This is exactly right. Closure isn't something that someone tells you or does for you. Closure is something you have to find and provide for yourself. It's up to you to realize the closure and be accepting of the way things turned out. No one can do that for you.
Author DenverBachelor Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 This is exactly right. Closure isn't something that someone tells you or does for you. Closure is something you have to find and provide for yourself. It's up to you to realize the closure and be accepting of the way things turned out. No one can do that for you. True -- but if there is just one fiber of your being that tells you that it should not have ended as it did, you can't silence that fiber. Whereas the core of your being may strive to find closure, so long as there is that one loose strand, how much closure can we ever really achieve? Perhaps the real closure in life is realizing that we often don't get total closure -- and to find some alternative that allows us to say simultaneously, "I'll never understand fully why, but I'll accept it -- because that's what I have to do." It is that great Nursery Rhyme of life that tells us that we'll often be faced with situations outside our control -- with no happy endings. But we find some way around them anyhow and forge on because we make our own endings whether they be happy or not -- but ultimately, they're OUR endings.
EricaH329 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 True -- but if there is just one fiber of your being that tells you that it should not have ended as it did, you can't silence that fiber. Whereas the core of your being may strive to find closure, so long as there is that one loose strand, how much closure can we ever really achieve? Perhaps the real closure in life is realizing that we often don't get total closure -- and to find some alternative that allows us to say simultaneously, "I'll never understand fully why, but I'll accept it -- because that's what I have to do." Often times, things do not end the way that we feel as though they should. But that goes back to acceptance. Accepting that it ended the way that it did, even though it might not have been something you agree with. So I do fully agree with you on that.
USMCHokie Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 True -- but if there is just one fiber of your being that tells you that it should not have ended as it did, you can't silence that fiber. Whereas the core of your being may strive to find closure, so long as there is that one loose strand, how much closure can we ever really achieve? Perhaps the real closure in life is realizing that we often don't get total closure -- and to find some alternative that allows us to say simultaneously, "I'll never understand fully why, but I'll accept it -- because that's what I have to do." DB, You bring up some VERY good points here...and for some strange reason, this post has reminded me of the book Candide, by Voltaire..."everything happens for the best"... And you're right, I don't feel that there is such a thing as total closure...no moment where you have absolute acceptance of a past relationship gone... Instead, we move from experience to experience, relationship to relationship, with the fundamental understanding that each moment in our life serves to temper ourselves to become who we were meant to be..."everything happens for the best"...and I think the closest we can come to closure is the acceptance that we leave one moment in order to live a new moment...
bananaboat11 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Closure is a concept people believe in... an abstraction to a rationalization that allows one to cope with a void or emptiness within. It's internalized as acceptance or comfort within oneself that is mistakenly sought from another party when it should be found intrinsically. To me.. it isn't the thought of acceptance that she's gone. It isn't the idea that I'm ok with going to bed alone.. or waking up without her next to me.... ...That I can train myself to do. Anyone is capable of performing these simple tasks... it's difficult at first, but with each passing day it grows easier and easier. Accepting they're gone... is not closure. That emptiness inside will heal... time is a rigid structure, but changes nothing over a period. Rather, doing things changes things... doing things over time... it allows that void to fill. And even when you're ok with her not being there... or him (for the ladies)... and you can lie yourself down at night and not shed a tear... there are still shadows crawling all over your room... There's still so much to do to set your heart right. Internalizing yourself again after being hurt... the ability to walk down the street and gape into the display window of a local shoppe/store and look at yourself and find YOU once more... to carry yourself the way you once had before they were in your life, only stronger, better, with more compassion and love in your heart... to me... that is closure. Right now... I'm fine without Nicole (my recent ex) in my life. I don't ever want her back. Thankfully I won't hear from her so not to relapse... ...but I need to heed my heart's calling as I'm not ready to open up once again... in a state of emotional repair, you may say. To me, I have found a comfort in myself... but I rebuild my heart.. my confidence.... my trust... and my yearning to love once more... and the day I can wake up, wash my face, look in the mirror and smile without a dark cloud looming overhead... THAT to me is closure. Sometimes... it takes longer for some...
Author DenverBachelor Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Closure is a concept people believe in... an abstraction to a rationalization that allows one to cope with a void or emptiness within. So says the man who has read just a wee-bit too much Jacques-Paul Saltre. But yet, I do agree with the rest of your post. You're a bright young man and should probably pursue a career in graduate school. I would love debating with you on the mating rituals of Amoebozoa from the Croatian period.
HeavenOrHell Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Closure for me is talking through what happened with my ex, seeing there's no way he wants to reconcile, knowing he fancies others, and then stopping contact with him. Closure is acceptance that there's no hope left and that it's over.
ginyi1111 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I have been thinking...considering all of your experiences in relationships, doesnt this breaking up and closure thing should be easier to do than your first breakup? I mean I'm having a hard time as this is my first seriosu relationship breakup and I hope to God the next time I get into a relationship and if it ended again I wont be as ****ed up as I am now as I would be able to draw experience from my previous relationship. So why isnt this easier for people who have had multiple serious relationships?
HeavenOrHell Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 No, not easier in my case, my ex was my 7th partner, 4 of which were serious ones, and he was the love of my life and the others weren't, so I've never had a break up as devastating as this, plus being together 18 years. So it doesn't follow that each break up gets easier and easier, doesn't work like that. I have been thinking...considering all of your experiences in relationships, doesnt this breaking up and closure thing should be easier to do than your first breakup? I mean I'm having a hard time as this is my first seriosu relationship breakup and I hope to God the next time I get into a relationship and if it ended again I wont be as ****ed up as I am now as I would be able to draw experience from my previous relationship. So why isnt this easier for people who have had multiple serious relationships?
bananaboat11 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 (edited) So says the man who has read just a wee-bit too much Jacques-Paul Saltre. But yet, I do agree with the rest of your post. You're a bright young man and should probably pursue a career in graduate school. I would love debating with you on the mating rituals of Amoebozoa from the Croatian period. Thanks...I think. ( I need more coffee... ) I've no idea who Jacques-Paul Saltre is... nor do I have any knowledge of Amoebozoa... or their mating rituals LOL I'll stick to glucose sensitivity and insulin's action... ie the rate of glucose disposal typically in peripheral insulin sensitive tissues that use glucose for whatever purpose... which happens to primarily be skeletal muscle.... I like M Values.. typically scaled to insulin serum levels(assessed via an RIA - Radioimmunoassay) shown as M/I... and C-ISI scores from glucose tolerance tests... .... I'm currently primarily interested in the role of inflammatory cytokines IL-1 on TNF-a which acts on CRP... each distinctly having an effect on decreasing insulin's effectiveness peripherally, primarily in skeletal muscle (or increased resistance) and TNF's relationship with visceral white adipose tissue which has a direct correlation to waist circumference... and the relationship of dietary interventions versus aerobic exercise... but additional regulatory mechanisms come into play just as a cytokine is an inflammatory marker in itself... affecting serine-phosphorylation of IRS-1 @ the musle site affecting the insulin receptor's activity to induce the signaling transduction pathway for the cAMP second messenger system... but the role of diet and exercise each have a unique function to them in how they affect visceral adiposity and IMTG's (intra-muscular triglycerides ie ceramides and diacylglycerides...) ...and holy crap, I just got carried away... my bad. Edited February 9, 2010 by bananaboat11
EricaH329 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 So why isnt this easier for people who have had multiple serious relationships? Usually, the point of getting into relationships is to figure out what you want out of a partner, and a relationship. So they tend to get better and better throughout the years. Better = harder to end.
sunrae Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Urban dictionary: Closure: A word created during the 90's which was borne out of individuals unable to cope with relationship failure.
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