mybrowneyedgirl Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 (edited) When does MM become xMM? It's often encouraged for the OW/OM to start talking about the AP as x when trying to get over them. But it seems to be a common response on this board that if you are in contact with the MM then the A is still going on. I've heard it time after time in my situation. We had a dday, but still from that day on continued to talk at work just up until a few weeks ago when i finally told him to F*** off. We were in no way talking in the same capacity as we were when involved in the affair. Just talking about the aftermath of how things were going since dday and normal work stuff. In my posts people always told me i couldnt call him x if i was still in contact and still pining for him. So whats the consensus here? Can you call him your x if you still have occasional contact but not in the way it was during the affair? Can you call him x if you're still carrying feelings? Or is he only the x once youre in complete NC and set on forgetting him forever? Edited February 9, 2010 by mybrowneyedgirl
White Flower Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 When does MM become xMM? It's often encouraged for the OW/OM to start talking about the AP as x when trying to get over them. But it seems to be a common response on this board that if you are in contact with the MM then the A is still going on. I've heard it time after time in my situation. We had a dday, but still from that day on continued to talk at work just up until a few weeks ago when i finally told him to F*** off. We were in no way talking in the same capacity as we were when involved in the affair. In my posts people always told me i couldnt call him x if i was still in contact and still pining for him. So whats the consensus here? Can you call him your x if you still have occasional contact but not in the way it was during the affair? Can you call him x if you're still carrying feelings? Or is he only the x once youre in complete NC and set on forgetting him forever? If you feel it is over then you call him your ex. Do you still tell each other sweet nothings? Do you still exchange I love yous? Do you still sleep with him or intend to in the very near future? If you say no to all these statements, then I'd say he's your ex.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Nope. We havent done anything of the sort since dday except for his one time slip of "i still love you" that was never returned. Just wondering because its often advised to start calling them your X as a way of moving on...but then when you do that others point out that hes still in your life (albeit not in the same fashion at all) that you shouldnt use the X word. Its confusing!
jennie-jennie Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Nope. We havent done anything of the sort since dday except for his one time slip of "i still love you" that was never returned. Just wondering because its often advised to start calling them your X as a way of moving on...but then when you do that others point out that hes still in your life (albeit not in the same fashion at all) that you shouldnt use the X word. Its confusing! Why does it matter so much what you call him......it's what's inside of you and how you feel that truly matters. Are you really done with him? I think it matters what you call him. By stating he is an ex you put a mental distance between you and him, and it does help you in moving on. Don't bother so much with what others think, if you feel he is your ex than he is. Your relationship has definitely changed since Dday, he is not your lover anymore, I would say he is your ex.
Hazyhead Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Only you know the answer to that BEG. Are you through with the affair? If so, he's your ex.
pureinheart Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 When does MM become xMM? The person involved is the only one that can judge that, or say it. It's often encouraged for the OW/OM to start talking about the AP as x when trying to get over them. This could be a good idea. But it seems to be a common response on this board that if you are in contact with the MM then the A is still going on. I've heard it time after time in my situation. Not always, some people work together. This can be true in all R's. We had a dday, but still from that day on continued to talk at work just up until a few weeks ago when i finally told him to F*** off. We were in no way talking in the same capacity as we were when involved in the affair. Just talking about the aftermath of how things were going since dday and normal work stuff. In my posts people always told me i couldnt call him x if i was still in contact and still pining for him. If any R is "real" to one or both parties (by real I mean any type of emtional/physical feeling involved), yet the R cannot continue, even if there are feelings, ect, I believe the R can be considered an ex. Even though I D'ed my "ex" doesn't mean those feelings went away....even though I went NC with exMM doesn't mean feelings were gone. Also I think NC can be on different levels, personally I went NC with exMM, although had I still been working with him or around him it would have not changed that the R was over. So whats the consensus here? Can you call him your x if you still have occasional contact but not in the way it was during the affair? Most definitely Can you call him x if you're still carrying feelings? I still have "feelings" for my ex's (although not one of them lives in Texas...lol) Or is he only the x once youre in complete NC and set on forgetting him forever? How can one totally forget one they care about? A person can be mature though if there are reasons for the contact and keep the distance needed.
pureinheart Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 then add X to your H.... Scorppppp...what are we gonna do with you.....
pureinheart Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Nope. We havent done anything of the sort since dday except for his one time slip of "i still love you" that was never returned. Just wondering because its often advised to start calling them your X as a way of moving on...but then when you do that others point out that hes still in your life (albeit not in the same fashion at all) that you shouldnt use the X word. Its confusing! I think it matters what you call him. By stating he is an ex you put a mental distance between you and him, and it does help you in moving on. Don't bother so much with what others think, if you feel he is your ex than he is. Your relationship has definitely changed since Dday, he is not your lover anymore, I would say he is your ex. It takes time, and bolded is a very affective way of focusing your mind...what Jennie said...lol
anne1707 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 If you are not able to accept that the affair is over or still harbour some desire to rekindle the relationship than whatever you call him, he is not the ex-MM to you yet. But calling him the ex-MM may help reinforce the idea that the affair is over and help you to move on but as for when you start doing it then that really depends on you. I know that when I started referring to the ex-OM, I had felt I had taken an important step towards recovery. I hope it is soon for your sake as it has been a few months now and you need to start working on yourself and your future. Sometimes you may just need to push yourself into taking these steps and after a while it works.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Even when we were broken up I don't think I ever referenced him as XMM. Too final, I guess. Plus, it wasn't ever really over. GEL
herenow Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I would say that a MM is a MM as long as he is married. How can he be an xMM when he has a wife? He can be an OW's xAP or even xBF, but he is still a MM until he gets a divorce. I guess it's all semantics.
Hazyhead Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I would say that a MM is a MM as long as he is married. How can he be an xMM when he has a wife? He can be an OW's xAP or even xBF, but he is still a MM until he gets a divorce. I guess it's all semantics. ... Oh yeah, hadn't thought of that. Literally, that's true HN. I guess she means xAP, like you say. It is all just semantics.
OWoman Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I would say that a MM is a MM as long as he is married. How can he be an xMM when he has a wife? He can be an OW's xAP or even xBF, but he is still a MM until he gets a divorce. I guess it's all semantics. ...or even after, if he remarries, as my H did (Does that make him my MM still? )
reboot Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 ...or even after, if he remarries, as my H did (Does that make him my MM still? ) But if he's now your DH, wouldn't he be your xMM? Wow, this could get deep quick.
Hazyhead Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 But if he's now your DH, wouldn't he be your xMM? Wow, this could get deep quick. If only they held the same kudos as educational acronyms after the name. "This is... xMM/AP.DH" Maybe he has plenty of them too. Combine them for extra credit?
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 what about stbxMM? maybe that fits the best.
fooled once Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Why does he have to be a name? Why can't he be the person you had an affair with? To me, to give it a 'name' implies you are giving that person too much control. Various websites that I belong to use acronyms or made up names for new girlfriends/boyfriends, ex wives/husbands, new husbands/wives, etc. My ex Husband is just my ex. I refuse to give him any more thought than that. BUT, it was an excellent point about xMM -- because while he may not be the person someone is having an affair with anymore, he still is married.
Recommended Posts