I am in Canada, my BF is in Germany, he is best friends with his EX around the corner

[cate]

Hello, I don't really know where to start so I will just outline my concern. I have been involved in an exclusive committed relationship for 2 years with my current boyfriend. We met at university during his exchange year and he has returned to Canada to live for a few prolonged periods in that time since then. He is now employed in Germany as he could not find appropriate in employment in Canada. I went to visit him over New Year's for five days and the trip was disastrous. His "best friend" who is female came over to dinner with her boyfriend. I have spoken with her on several occassions and was always completely comfortable with their friendship. I had asked my boyfriend how they met and he had advised me that it was through school which was true. During dinner I developed a sense that there was a greater history to their friendship than I was previously made aware of. I never had a sense of this before because of both her physical appearance and the fact that he never mentioned anything of this nature to me. I asked my boyfriend flat out when they left. He said that he had dated and had sex with her for one month 3 years prior to meeting me. Until this point, I thought that we had discussed everything with one another. Most people have former partners and we had met each others because of our circle of friends. When he told me that he had dated and slept with her it was like someone had kicked me. I just completely lost my breath. We then argued for the remaining three days of the trip while I booked into a hotel.

 

His ex-girlfriend is not just a casual acquaintance, she is his best friend and confidant. He eats dinner at her house at least once a week and they have regular phone contact as she lives just around the corner. She lives with her boyfriend however there are clearly issues in their relationship that need to be addressed. She gets the attention, respect, and comfort that she does not receive from her own boyfriend with mine. I could care less about her-it's indifferent because the responsiblity was his to inform me of there basis sooner. To me she will never be his "best friend" but his ex-girlfriend. Any advice she gives him comes from a different place than it would for a regular friend in my opinion. For instance, we had declared a truce following a horrible argument and were walking around the city talking about this issue in a civil fashion. The ex-girlfriend called four times during that day. Nothing was resolved and I arrived back in Canada grateful to be home.

 

We spoke earlier this evening and I specifically addressed what purpose the ex-girlfriend might have calling four times in one day knowing that we were attempting to resolve the matter in the brief time I had left in Germany. My boyfriend refused to come to the logical conclusion that I had. From my own life experience, the only time I call someone four times in one day is to cause trouble or irritate a situation. He maintains that she was just trying to help. This conversation also ended acrimoniously. I know myself well enough to know that I cannot continue a relationship with him knowing that he has such close ties with this female. More importantly there is self-respect and principles involved here that are currently operating contrary to my own.

 

I have discussed with friends and family and they agree that he is behaving inappropriately. This would be a crisis in a typical relationship however we will only be able to see each other, at least for the next year, for maybe a week at a time, every other month. I am desperate at this point to salvage this relationship but I cannot imagine doing so at the cost of losing myself by pretending to accept their friendship. I want to make him choose but he says that he will end the relationship if I make that demand. Do I have that right? How do I make him understand that this will not allow our relationship to flourish but in fact be the unfortunate and painful demise to what was previously a delightfully happy relationshipe? I am almost in physical pain because of this, I don't know what more I can do to handle this from my end here in Canada? I have to question if he is even worth working for, and that makes me depressed.

 

I am in need of some advice from a outside source with no bias and I would thoroughly appreciate anything, anything at all that someone might be able to offer me. Thank you very much, Cate

[SoleMate]

First of all, my sympathies on that painful slugged-in-the-gut feel.

 

I want to make him choose but he says that he will end the relationship if I make that demand. Do I have that right?

You have the right...and so does he. There is no "written code of allowed behavior for committed partners" that you can quote at each other. There is only what the two of you agree on, which for most people does tend to resemble a societal norm. I wouldn't agree to him being so very close to this other girl (BTW, I am sure that your instincts are right on about the dangers), and I would tell him how very unhappy I was with their closeness. I would further say that I doubted my feelings could survive this kind of strain, and ask him to agree to put some distance between the two of them.

 

How do I make him understand that this will not allow our relationship to flourish but in fact be the unfortunate and painful demise to what was previously a delightfully happy relationship?

Tell him, straight out. Don't bother talking about some external standard of behavior; just tell him what YOU can and can't live with.

 

I am almost in physical pain because of this, I don't know what more I can do to handle this from my end here in Canada? I have to question if he is even worth working for, and that makes me depressed.

The work you can do is all on your own side. More later, dinner's ready...

[befuddled11]

Hello fellow Canadian!

 

One thing that immediately struck me as I read your post was.......doesn't it seem a bit odd that the only place he could secure employment was in a country far away from home, and just around the corner from this ex? Okay, so perhaps he could only find work in Germany (which still seems like a huge stretch to me).....but in all of Germany, he just happens to live in the same city/town/village as his ex, and just around the corner from her? Hmmmmmm.

 

It *is* possible that he never told you the extent of their past relationship because he really didn't consider it much of a relationship. Seeing/sleeping with someone for only a month, to a lot of people, wouldn't barely be considered a relationship. Do you know any of the details surrounding why they broke up?

 

I was concerned to read that he informed you that if he was forced to make a choice between you or his friendship with her, he'd choose her. What the hell? That's pretty screwed up, if you ask me.

 

It doesn't appear he "gets" where you're coming from, and isn't sensitive to your feelings. I'm not sure how you're going to get through to him....he either gets it or he doesn't.

 

For her to have called that day, 4 times....while you both had limited time left together.....that was tacky and inappropriate on her part, and I'd seriously wonder what her real motives were. She wanted to help? I doubt it. Unless she's so totally clueless.

 

Do you really believe he can't possibly get employment anywhere here in Canada?

 

I'm sorry, but the whole thing sounds fishy to me. I think you need to stand up for your beliefs and principles and not give in to make peace. You have legitimate concerns.

[SweeTee]

If he truly wants to make the relationship work, he'll cut of the relationship with the ex.

 

This sounds really fishy to me---are you sure he's not having sex with this person while he's away from you?

 

I would give him the ultimatum---but keep in mind, he might tell you to take a hike. In my opinion, you'd be better off if he did.

[toots307]

The guy sounds like he's not all that interested in his relationship with you.

I know myself well enough to know that I cannot continue a relationship with him knowing that he has such close ties with this female

 

stick to that - you know yourself and you know what you have to do. The fact that he even wants to be friends with such a manipulative person is beyond me. I think you should let him go and let him have his 'best friend'

 

I find it really strange how there's so many people on this forum hurting - why is that?? Nobody wants to be hurt yet so many people seem to be hurting others - doesn't anyone treat others the way they want to be treated anymore??