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Looking at engagement rings - and my GF starts talking about sex with another guy?

Golden-73

By Golden-73
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Peter Attis Established Member

Peter Attis

Posted
Posted
I think the main problem here is that your pride has been stung and you aren't mature enough to get over it. I would postpone the engagement as well, because obviously you don't know what the word "comfortable" means in a relationship yet.

 

Yeah, he's so immature to have a problem with hearing about all the guys his girlfriend has slept with. :rolleyes:

 

Jesus Christ...

IfWishesWereHorses Established Member

IfWishesWereHorses

Posted
Posted

OP, at any time after leaving this guy did you ask, inquire, or bring up what the nature of her relationship was with this guy?

 

If a boyfriend put off an engagement because I had been honest with him, then I would know he wasn't the one for me. I can understand your hurt and disappointment but you have clearly over reacted and you are perpetuating this negativity that will now surround this engagement no matter when it happens.

 

If you find the need to punish her honesty then you really need to grow up before proposing to anyone.

sagetalk Established Member

sagetalk

Posted
Posted

In the words of my generation:, "She epically failed".

 

I don't know what to tell you, but she does not seem too bright. That must have been painful :sick:.

mem11363 Established Member

mem11363

Posted
Posted

Pleco,

It is fine to have a minority viewpoint. What is not fine is to state that other people are retarded for having a different approach.

 

Some people are into a very high level of transparency - clearly you are. And that is fine. Others are at the far end of the spectrum - honest but discreet. They will say:

I have had other serious relationships. If asked how many partners - they answer that they were selective, careful and are disease free. And that is the extent of what they will share. And THAT is ok.

 

It is wrong/mean to aggressively interrogate someone who does not want to share sexual history details. And it is wrong/mean to push in someones face details of YOUR sexual history if they don't want them.

 

SHE did THAT. If you can't grasp how that is wrong after reading this I cannot help you. And if after a year and a half you don't know where you partner lies on the spectrum, that is inexcusable ignorance.

 

 

Maybe I'm crazy, but I think the OP is a bit retarded. (No offense! :p)

 

I may be in the minority here but my SO and I share basically everything with each other, including our past lovers in great detail. It may be irrelevant to some but it's really interesting to me (I understand YMMV). If this girl is great for you in every other way and you two are a good match, you are nuts for wanting to end it because she shared something with you that was (in YOUR opinion) too much info. Just explain to her that it was TMI and move on with it. Have you ever been in a situation before where she told you way too much info about something and you discussed what was TMI for you and what wasn't? If so, maybe she just doesn't know your boundaries yet. How much detail did she go into, exactly?

 

The timing, as others have pointed out, is irrelevant. She told you then because you had just seen him and probably wanted to avoid an awkward situation should he later tell you about it himself.

 

I think the main problem here is that your pride has been stung and you aren't mature enough to get over it. I would postpone the engagement as well, because obviously you don't know what the word "comfortable" means in a relationship yet.

 

I don't understand some of the things I read on here, how people can even consider marrying people they don't fully know. This reminds me of the guy on here who said that he would not remain in a LTR with a girl who farted in from of him or burped. :rolleyes: I don't get it.

Chrome Barracuda Established Member

Chrome Barracuda

Posted
Posted

She should have just kept her mouth shut. Why tell a man who loves you, about the sex you had with someone else. To any rational person that is a damn dealbreaker. and he's going ring shopiing bout to propose to this woman.

 

And you expect him to be cool about it!?? WTF?

Twenty-ten Established Member

Twenty-ten

Posted
Posted
OP, what kind of detail did she go into?

 

Seriously! I was thinking the exact same thing. :eek:

 

Some people are making such a mountain out of a molehill and no one even knows exactly what was said. :laugh:

 

Because what does this: she started telling me about how the used to have sex, and went into detail about all of this even mean? It could mean a million different things and scenarios.

 

Maybe she said "gees I remember that guy wanted sex all the time and I was so not into it because he was so rough with me especially since he would get all leechy and start pawing one of my breasts like a dog in heat when I wasn't in the mood"

 

or

 

She could have said "when he was on top of me and going at it and he was ready to cum he looked like Linda Blair in the exorcist and his eyes would roll back and I swear he was speaking in tongues"

which would be VERY different from:

 

"Ohh that Kenny, I remember Sundays with him he used to go down on me for hours, and then when he finally penetrated me he would do this thing in with his finger that drove me nuts, anyway about that ring...."

 

In the first two cases she described in detail their sex life but it wasn't exactly something to get offended at, he just would be solely focusing on the imagery of her having sex with another guy, not the point of her story.

 

In the latter, she is way out of line and then he has every right to feel so hurt.

 

 

Some people are bitching at each others telling them what is right and what is wrong to conclude in this situation yet no one knows one iota more than the other exactly what was discussed. :rolleyes:

 

Yeah, because EVERYONE LOVES IT WHEN THE PERSON THEY'RE DATING DESCRIBES IN DETAIL THE SEX THEY HAD WITH AN EX.

 

To be honest with you, hearing sex stories about my guy's past wouldn't threaten me and I've had discussions even where they were discussing things that were positive about their past sex life and I was totally fine with it. I am pretty open though so things like that don't make me feel insecure. Provided they are not in a tone that shows sign of longing or desire, who cares? Everyone has a sexual past unless you are a virgin. :rolleyes:

Twenty-ten Established Member

Twenty-ten

Posted
Posted

And another thing, exactly how much detail could she have gone into if he was clearly turned off by what he was hearing? Why would she sit there and carry on a lengthy detailed explanation about her past sex experience if he wasn't engaging her to do so somehow?

 

Something doesn't sit right with this.

Pleco Established Member

Pleco

Posted
Posted
Pleco,

It is fine to have a minority viewpoint. What is not fine is to state that other people are retarded for having a different approach.

 

Some people are into a very high level of transparency - clearly you are. And that is fine. Others are at the far end of the spectrum - honest but discreet. They will say:

I have had other serious relationships. If asked how many partners - they answer that they were selective, careful and are disease free. And that is the extent of what they will share. And THAT is ok.

 

It is wrong/mean to aggressively interrogate someone who does not want to share sexual history details. And it is wrong/mean to push in someones face details of YOUR sexual history if they don't want them.

 

SHE did THAT. If you can't grasp how that is wrong after reading this I cannot help you. And if after a year and a half you don't know where you partner lies on the spectrum, that is inexcusable ignorance.

 

Um, I wasn't being incredibly serious about the OP being a retard. Hence the smiley face. I can be a bit blunt, though. Hopefully through the veil of the internet people will have thicker skin. ;)

 

Also, in my post I stated that if the OP and his girl had been in a prior situation similar to this and had discussed boundaries before, then the girlfriend was clearly out of line. If not, then it is excusable. I doubt the girlfriend pushed her sexual past in guy's face intentionally. YOU don't know if "SHE did THAT". She probably simply made a mistake and went too far for his comfort without realizing it. I would also say that if this guy is getting angry at his girlfriend when he has not set his boundaries before, then THAT is inexcusable ignorance. She is not a mindreader and a year and a half is really not that long of a time. Like another poster said, this guy is making a mountain out of a molehill!

 

And thanks but I'm not seeking your help. =)

Pleco Established Member

Pleco

Posted
Posted
And another thing, exactly how much detail could she have gone into if he was clearly turned off by what he was hearing? Why would she sit there and carry on a lengthy detailed explanation about her past sex experience if he wasn't engaging her to do so somehow?

 

Something doesn't sit right with this.

Haha, good point. Either she didn't go into THAT much detail or he sat there and let her talk (thus tacitly encouraging her) and THEN got mad.

 

Brilliant :rolleyes:

Twenty-ten Established Member

Twenty-ten

Posted
Posted
Haha, good point. Either she didn't go into THAT much detail or he sat there and let her talk (thus tacitly encouraging her) and THEN got mad.

 

Brilliant :rolleyes:

 

Well yes that is the thing about having these kinds of conversations more often than not people prod and listen out of morbid curiosity but when push comes to shove and they get what they want, the reality of what they just heard sets in. That's usually when the anger and resentment and hurtful feelings set in. She would have to be a real tool to sit there and tell all these intimate uncomfortable details to her man while he is there looking at her like he wants no part of that talk.

 

Why didn't he stop her dead in her tracks and say "honey, no offense but I really don't want to hear this nor do I ever want to know about this"?

PJKino Established Member

PJKino

Posted
Posted

Please if the tables were turned imagine the hell hed have to pay from now on, hed never hear the end of it..

 

People are killing him because he wants to cool off for a few days?

Leia Established Member

Leia

Posted
Posted
Please if the tables were turned imagine the hell hed have to pay from now on, hed never hear the end of it..

 

People are killing him because he wants to cool off for a few days?

 

:laugh: Yea I know.

 

Let's see if he comes back to post soon.

Twenty-ten Established Member

Twenty-ten

Posted
Posted

No one is killing anyone, it would be nice to know what these details were and why if he wanted no part of that conversation did he not say to her, "hey listen I really don't want to know all this"? I think those are fair questions would anyone disagree?

 

He came here for help and you can't help someone who offers an inconclusive statement that leaves a lot of questions unanswered. He is about to break an engagement with this girl, that is no small step, because of this situation and how can we give him fair and objective advice if we don't even really know what she did?

AD1980 Established Member

AD1980

Posted
Posted (edited)

Ive learned that allot of women have no filter...Women just have to constantly talk and say whatever thought is on any inch of their minds even if its inappropriate..

 

Plenty of my friends wives/fiances who i love like sisters and i know they care for me have said some of the weirdest things in front of me wheter it was something i did, my looks etc and i know in a weird way they dont even know theyre being disrespectful its just women..They have to yap..

 

Now if i did something like this theyd run crying and id be a monster but you just have to be the bigger person..

 

I think were diferent because it has something to do with how Men know from living as a Man theyres physical consequences to what they say at times..

 

Every Man has said the wrong thing and got into a altercation and may have been physically hurt women dont have those cosnequences with other women and obviously not Men so they dont have that part of their brain that says wow if i say this it might not be pleasant i could get hurt..

Edited by AD1980
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

'Hon, you know Tommy that you and I met at the mall?'

 

'Yeah, haven't seen him in years. You worked with him for awhile, eh?'

 

'Yeah, we worked together for seven years. We, um, also, um, dated'

 

OP clears throat

 

'What?'

 

Now, at this point, you have to understand something about the male mind. His mind sees things, images, like a movie theater. They're in Dimension 150. His wonderful soon-to-be betrothed is in the fiance box. It's a wonderful box, and she appears as a goddess. In the distant memory box, there is his old high school buddy, image updated from the mall. When honey bunches said she 'dated' (I won't even use the word 'sex') his old high school buddy, there suddenly appears a gloryhole between the two boxes and his formerly organized and wonderful world starts to spin slowly out of control. He looks at her; he thinks about the image in the mall of 'Tommy'; he imagines parts and orifices all banging together at once.

 

At this point, I'd have lost control of the vehicle and the passenger door would've opened without explanation, but I digress....

 

'Honey, wow, that's a lot to think about (understatement). Give me a few days. I really feel hurt right now'

 

 

It's entirely reasonable to not empathize nor understand nor care how the OP feels, or even how he thinks. It doesn't matter, to you. It matters to him. His future wife matters, to him. I hope they work it out :)

Leia Established Member

Leia

Posted
Posted
'Hon, you know Tommy that you and I met at the mall?'

 

'Yeah, haven't seen him in years. You worked with him for awhile, eh?'

 

'Yeah, we worked together for seven years. We, um, also, um, dated'

 

OP clears throat

 

'What?'

 

Now, at this point, you have to understand something about the male mind. His mind sees things, images, like a movie theater. They're in Dimension 150. His wonderful soon-to-be betrothed is in the fiance box. It's a wonderful box, and she appears as a goddess. In the distant memory box, there is his old high school buddy, image updated from the mall. When honey bunches said she 'dated' (I won't even use the word 'sex') his old high school buddy, there suddenly appears a gloryhole between the two boxes and his formerly organized and wonderful world starts to spin slowly out of control. He looks at her; he thinks about the image in the mall of 'Tommy'; he imagines parts and orifices all banging together at once.

 

At this point, I'd have lost control of the vehicle and the passenger door would've opened without explanation, but I digress....

 

'Honey, wow, that's a lot to think about (understatement). Give me a few days. I really feel hurt right now'

 

 

It's entirely reasonable to not empathize nor understand nor care how the OP feels, or even how he thinks. It doesn't matter, to you. It matters to him. His future wife matters, to him. I hope they work it out :)

 

You said it very well, carhill. That's how I see it too. Maybe it's over the top for some people, but it sure matters to OP. I hope he's alright and we'll hear from him soon.

Twenty-ten Established Member

Twenty-ten

Posted
Posted

I went back and re-read the OP it appears now that I read it again that they didn't even date that she implied they were only having sex. Or at least this is how I interpret it the second time around.

 

If the OP never had no strings attached sex himself, then he has every right to be upset and reconsider being with this girl, if he has had casual no strings attached sex then he should take a long hard look at his own actions before he judges her so harshly.

 

That's my final answer, no I don't need to call a friend or ask the audience.:D

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Yes, just when you think you've blown your wad, it gets better...

 

The other day she told me “Money must be more important than I am to you”

 

Read on here

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

He might have just dodged a bullet.

Twenty-ten Established Member

Twenty-ten

Posted
Posted

Hmm now why didn't I think of the old click on the other threads started trick? This flu is slowing me down.

 

That does change things, now it's painting a bigger picture. After reading that she sounds quite unreasonable. A time out is definitely in order.

 

But re the sex thing I still think he shouldn't judge her unless he can pass with flying colors himself, but he is entitled to feel how he feels.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Well, there were two very savvy posters who posted in that other thread, as well as here, and nary a word of that dynamic ever got over here. My backstory neuron misfired too, so I have no excuse.

 

Anyway, from the looks of it, these folks aren't driving the pickup down to Kay's to check out e-rings, so they'll work it out. One word - prenup.

Twenty-ten Established Member

Twenty-ten

Posted
Posted
Well, there were two very savvy posters who posted in that other thread, as well as here, and nary a word of that dynamic ever got over here. My backstory neuron misfired too, so I have no excuse.

.

 

Poppycock Carhill, you were on it. Good call! ;)

sigurpol Established Member

sigurpol

Posted
Posted (edited)

Uh.

 

After I assumed this thread was the work of a troll, I was curious and looked something up.

 

Maybe I skimmed a little too quickly, but I checked the OP's other posted items. Not to exploit, but I'm curious as to why you posted in a thread (a few days ago) about sending your ex a valentine's day card that she would love. :confused:

 

 

(edit: my bad, I didn't realize others had caught on!)

Edited by sigurpol
norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
Posted
Uh.

 

After I assumed this thread was the work of a troll, I was curious and looked something up.

 

Maybe I skimmed a little too quickly, but I checked the OP's other posted items. Not to exploit, but I'm curious as to why you posted in a thread (a few days ago) about sending your ex a valentine's day card that she would love. :confused:

 

 

(edit: my bad, I didn't realize others had caught on!)

 

Interesting...his post from that thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2642809#post2642809

 

I am sending my ex a card. I actually hand made a card I know she will love. I will be dropping it off at her office, and have someone there bring it to her.

 

I wonder if he's told his gf about his plan for a Valentine's Day card for his ex.

Chitowngirl Established Member

Chitowngirl

Posted
Posted

Your gf is socially retarded but I don't think you should dump her for not thinking before she speaks.

Why she wanted to tell you she had sex with him after you looked at engagement rings, I dunno, that's very odd, but I wouldn't throw away a relationship over her bad timing.

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