Jump to content

Looking at engagement rings - and my GF starts talking about sex with another guy?

Golden-73

By Golden-73
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted (edited)
It is not the fact that it happened years ago, it is the fact that she told me 2 minutes after we were looking at rings.
This is why I advised to delay the proposal. The OP has a right and a privilege to his perspective. As is usual, women will suggest methodologies to invalidate his right and privilege. Ignore them.

 

If I had told my stbx about sleeping with one of her old girlfriends after meeting her in a mall while shopping for rings, she'd have kicked me in the nuts, and rightfully so. Tactless, immature behavior. Own it :)

 

Oh, forgot....she told him while he was driving....add stupid :)

Edited by carhill
ella23 Established Member

ella23

Posted
Posted

The fact that she told you that she slept with this guy is not a red flag in itself.

But her going into details about the sex is somewhat strange.

Peter Attis Established Member

Peter Attis

Posted
Posted
Is it really that difficult for men to put themselves in the woman's shoes to try to understand what went down??

 

Is it really that difficult for YOU to put yourself in HIS shoes and realize why he would have a problem with that?

 

She described IN DETAIL the sex life she had with this guy. TWO MINUTES AFTER THEY HAD JUST GOT DONE LOOKING AT ENGAGEMENT RINGS. Then when he tells her she's uncomfortable about that, she can't even explain why she said all that.

 

If she just wanted to be honest with him, all she had to say was that she had a relationship with him before. She didn't have to describe to him everything they did together.

soulm8 Established Member

soulm8

Posted
Posted
Is it really that difficult for YOU to put yourself in HIS shoes and realize why he would have a problem with that?

 

If she just wanted to be honest with him, all she had to say was that she had a relationship with him before. She didn't have to describe to him everything they did together.

 

Of course I can, but to be in tears over it, etc. is a little over the top IMO. Even the title of this thread compared to the topic is beginning to look more like a Trolling attempt. We don't know what she told him as far as details go. For all WE know, she was telling him how much better HE is as her lover or what she didn't particularly like about the guy.

Peter Attis Established Member

Peter Attis

Posted
Posted

I don't think people on this board really understand what trolling is.

calizaggy Established Member

calizaggy

Posted
Posted
Of course I can, but to be in tears over it, etc. is a little over the top IMO. Even the title of this thread compared to the topic is beginning to look more like a Trolling attempt. We don't know what she told him as far as details go. For all WE know, she was telling him how much better HE is as her lover or what she didn't particularly like about the guy.

 

 

She really has no class/social grace..

 

Details about sex with one of his budidies right after shopping for rings? Extremely thoughtless. But judging from female responses this seems to be the norm.

 

When would it not be acceptable for her to talk about sex with past guys? Right after he proposes? Right before she says "I do"? Right after they marry? On the honeymoon? Or anytime is equally as acceptable?

Leia Established Member

Leia

Posted
Posted

Personally, going into detail about the sex was way TMI.

flc Established Member

flc

Posted
Posted

Discussions of who you had sex with in the past are irrelevent and should stay in the past. I see no value in either partner discussing their past sex life with the other. I don't think anyone is naive enough to think their partner never had sex before but what purpose does it serve to bring this up? I agree that the OP has a right to be upset over the situation and should take some time to evaluate his relationship.

DiscoChick Established Member

DiscoChick

Posted
Posted
Discussions of who you had sex with in the past are irrelevent and should stay in the past. I see no value in either partner discussing their past sex life with the other. I don't think anyone is naive enough to think their partner never had sex before but what purpose does it serve to bring this up? I agree that the OP has a right to be upset over the situation and should take some time to evaluate his relationship.

 

Yep. I see her mentioning that she dated him, but details about their sex life? :eek: Honestly, I think the ring shopping put her off a little and she wants to slow down.

tami-chan Established Member

tami-chan

Posted
Posted

oh my goodness.....i think the gf should break up with the OP and reconnect with the other guy!:p

Jersey Shortie Established Member

Jersey Shortie

Posted
Posted

I understand why the OP is a little upset, miffed or angry here. However, pouting and going off to lick his wounds isn't exactly a mature response either. I think this is more of a communitcation issue, on both ends.

 

I know as a woman, especially if I was at the point when I was looking at rings with my guy, I would hope I could tell him things without being so extremely highly judged. Isn't that what serious couples should be able to do? We aren't exactly talking about a couple who are dating and still getting to know each other. Women, if you guys haven't figured it out, feel closer to you by sharing details of their life. It's how we bond. While clearly not have been the best time for her to say these things to the OP, she clearly felt open enough to do so.

 

OP, did you get the feeling that she was still lusting after this person? That she had a wistful tone in her voice? What were the kinds of things she said? We really only have your side and while I thing you have a right to be miffed, I'm a little shocked at the immature male responses about dumping her for this transgression. If we can even call it that.

 

As for you Mr. White, I've seen you make quite a few colorful comments about the female gender. Entertaining even as ignorant as it is. Your insecurities shine through. You are completely allowed to think that the girl was out of line, no issue there. But calling her names for it is ridiculous. And in total agreement with Nora that if the OP lets you, the girl is better off with someone else anyway.

txsilkysmoothe Established Member

txsilkysmoothe

Posted
Posted

I certainly support OP's need for space and think he should take that.

 

We don't really know that she went into detail about the sex acts. He said "went into detail about all of this." Maybe it was the duration of the relationship, or whether she had serious feelings for him, how it started, ended.

 

She didn't choose this particular time to tell him - circumstance forced it. Please consider that she may have been very frightened that her involvement with this guy was going to jeopardize her relationship with the OP and followed the "honesty is the best policy" approach. Did the OP stop her from sharing too much? Seems an "I don't need to know details" would have been appropriate.

 

She screwed up. She couldn't explain why she shared what she did when asked. Does she understand "why" exactly the OP is upset? I doubt that she does.

 

She made a mistake. If this one display of poor judgment negates a 1.5 year serious relationship, someone wasn't genuine in their feelings and I don't think it's the gf.

 

And really was it "2 minutes" or "10 minutes?"

lino Established Member

lino

Posted
Posted

If my girl said that to me I'd postpone the engagement.

 

 

I wonder what the reaction would be if the OP was a girl ...

 

 

Interesting question. I'd imagine that the reaction would be very different if the genders in this scenario were swapped.

 

 

Maybe women will never understand men..

 

That is perhaps the WORST mental image a man can have.. His gf sleeping with another man.

 

Well said.

 

 

I'm a little shocked at the immature male responses about dumping her for this transgression. If we can even call it that.

 

:lmao:

Extremely rich coming from you. If it was a man in her position you'd be ripping him to shreds.

Jersey Shortie Established Member

Jersey Shortie

Posted
Posted

When have I ever ripped a man to shreds. :rolleyes:

 

 

Interesting question. I'd imagine that the reaction would be very different if the genders in this scenario were swapped.

 

I would agree. If a guy had said it to the girl, the guys right now would be saying "he's a man, he enjoys sex, of course he is going to talk about sex. It's okay. Be quite and let him be a man". :lmao:

DustySaltus Established Member

DustySaltus

Posted
Posted

Going down each others perspective resumes is a always a losing situauion...whether it be in a jewelry store, a mcdonald's drive thru, at dinner or any other situation.

 

Delay things for a while. I hate to say it but maybe you need to make sure you know her COMPLETELY before you make a life long commitment.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
And really was it "2 minutes" or "10 minutes?"
I'll help. The OP said:

 

I walked out about 2 minutes later. I saw her talking to someone I have in seen in about 12 years (an old friend from high school) we all talked for a few minutes.
Everything was cool. Then 10 minutes later when we were driving down the road, she started telling me about how the used to have sex, and went into detail about all of this.
So, how it worked was, they looked at rings, the salesman asked him to hang around for some inside info on diamonds and she walked out of the store and ran into an old high school friend.

 

As to the rest of your post, that is exactly and precisely how my stbx operated in MC. A sentence of acceptance and a paragraph of deflection and attack.

 

The OP should consider all aspects of compatibility before making his proposal. He did nothing wrong here. I would've stopped the vehicle and we would have had a 'discussion'. I actually did this once, when stbx lit into me for something while (I was) driving....friggin' children who don't know time nor place...

txsilkysmoothe Established Member

txsilkysmoothe

Posted
Posted
As to the rest of your post, that is exactly and precisely how my stbx operated in MC. A sentence of acceptance and a paragraph of deflection and attack.

 

The OP should consider all aspects of compatibility before making his proposal. He did nothing wrong here.

 

 

 

In two posts, I said he is valid to need space. I also said that I'm sorry for what he is experiencing. I never said he did anything wrong. Could he have done some things different that may have made him feel better about a bad situation and ensure that it doesn’t derail his plans for the future and his happiness? Sure.

 

I also said more than twice that she was wrong, made a mistake. Apparently you don't think that the "why" of her mistake is important. I do but it's what you refer to as my deflection. Is she just an evil bitch who wanted to ruin his day. I don't think so and I don't the the OP thinks so. Given that, her behavior should be reviewed to determine if this one incident should change everything he thought she was for the last 1.5 years. You won't allow room for their inexperience in life matters. I do. You expect her (not him), to know what you have learned in your life time specifically in your MC and to react to this situation per those tools. Neither of them have the benefit of that and so she made a big mistake and he compounded the problem in his reaction. My references to him doing anything differently (what you call attack) is only because they will have to work “together” if they want to get past this and learn together how to effectively communicate in the future. That's my opinion.

 

We learn with age and from our worst mistakes as I’m sure she’s now learned that there is a right and wrong time to broach certain subjects.

 

I see her as a heartbroken woman who probably can’t eat or sleep. I believe she is hurting as much as the OP. She failed to close her mouth when she should have one time and for that she has lost the man she loves. The fact that she, herself, couldn’t explain why she told him what she did is proof that she lacked good reasoning in that moment and simply screwed up.

 

And, as I don't feel that his reaction to her mistake is in direct correlation with the severity of her mistake, it makes me wonder if he was perhaps getting cold feet and when this happened he saw it as confirmation that he should back out of the relationship. It's a possibility of which he may not be aware, not an attack on him.

 

Unlike other posters, I haven’t sided with either of them. I see them as two humans capable of human mistakes and feelings. Two good people who have hit a major bump and the way they each handle this situation will determine whether they get their happily ever after. I hope they do.

 

She described IN DETAIL the sex life she had with this guy. TWO MINUTES AFTER THEY HAD JUST GOT DONE LOOKING AT ENGAGEMENT RINGS. Then when he tells her she's uncomfortable about that, she can't even explain why she said all that.

 

As is common, as a story is repeated, facts get twisted - each subsequent poster who wants to hang this woman before her trial is rewriting the op, then others read and accept that "she described details of the sex and it was two minutes after"..... when the OP never made these statements.

 

She may have described the sex in detail and if that is the case my opinion will change, but I'm going to wait until I know that before changing my opinion.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
She made a mistake. If this one display of poor judgment negates a 1.5 year serious relationship, someone wasn't genuine in their feelings and I don't think it's the gf.

 

OP, what is your response to this? Do you feel that your behaviors, culminated by going shopping for engagement rings intending to propose on VDay, were indicative of a lack of genuine caring and love for your intended?

 

I'll go through the other deflections one by one but want to hear the OP's responses first.

 

My initial advice was simple and passed no judgment. It was : Delay the proposal :)

Peter Attis Established Member

Peter Attis

Posted
Posted
As is common, as a story is repeated, facts get twisted - each subsequent poster who wants to hang this woman before her trial is rewriting the op, then others read and accept that "she described details of the sex and it was two minutes after"..... when the OP never made these statements.

 

Uh...

 

she started telling me about how the used to have sex, and went into detail about all of this.

 

It was actually ten minutes later, but two minutes verses ten minutes is hardly relevant.

flc Established Member

flc

Posted
Posted

Bottom line is that this does not need to end your relationship. People make mistakes and if hers was based on good intent look past the immediate impact to the intentions. Wait a day or so and then sit down and talk to her about it, only the two of you can decide were things go.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

'This revelation and its timing really knocked me for a loop and I really am not clear how I feel right now. I hope you understand. I want to work through this with you'

 

OP, is this sample communication of any relevance to your current perspective?

sumdude Established Member

sumdude

Posted
Posted

OP, what kind of detail did she go into?

  • Author
Golden-73 Member

Golden-73

Posted
  • Author
Posted
In two posts, I said he is valid to need space. I also said that I'm sorry for what he is experiencing. I never said he did anything wrong. Could he have done some things different that may have made him feel better about a bad situation and ensure that it doesn’t derail his plans for the future and his happiness? Sure.

 

I also said more than twice that she was wrong, made a mistake. Apparently you don't think that the "why" of her mistake is important. I do but it's what you refer to as my deflection. Is she just an evil bitch who wanted to ruin his day. I don't think so and I don't the the OP thinks so. Given that, her behavior should be reviewed to determine if this one incident should change everything he thought she was for the last 1.5 years. You won't allow room for their inexperience in life matters. I do. You expect her (not him), to know what you have learned in your life time specifically in your MC and to react to this situation per those tools. Neither of them have the benefit of that and so she made a big mistake and he compounded the problem in his reaction. My references to him doing anything differently (what you call attack) is only because they will have to work “together” if they want to get past this and learn together how to effectively communicate in the future. That's my opinion.

 

We learn with age and from our worst mistakes as I’m sure she’s now learned that there is a right and wrong time to broach certain subjects.

 

I see her as a heartbroken woman who probably can’t eat or sleep. I believe she is hurting as much as the OP. She failed to close her mouth when she should have one time and for that she has lost the man she loves. The fact that she, herself, couldn’t explain why she told him what she did is proof that she lacked good reasoning in that moment and simply screwed up.

 

And, as I don't feel that his reaction to her mistake is in direct correlation with the severity of her mistake, it makes me wonder if he was perhaps getting cold feet and when this happened he saw it as confirmation that he should back out of the relationship. It's a possibility of which he may not be aware, not an attack on him.

 

Unlike other posters, I haven’t sided with either of them. I see them as two humans capable of human mistakes and feelings. Two good people who have hit a major bump and the way they each handle this situation will determine whether they get their happily ever after. I hope they do.

 

 

 

As is common, as a story is repeated, facts get twisted - each subsequent poster who wants to hang this woman before her trial is rewriting the op, then others read and accept that "she described details of the sex and it was two minutes after"..... when the OP never made these statements.

 

She may have described the sex in detail and if that is the case my opinion will change, but I'm going to wait until I know that before changing my opinion.

 

I agree she made a big mistake. Both us are very upset about what happened. She said she is sorry, and does not know why she did this.

 

I left her with this a little while ago. I am not ready to get married to you, but I am not ready to lose you. Let me be upset for a few days. We will both get ourselves back together the next few days, and let some hurt, and anger pass. We will get together Friday evening, and start talking about what happened, and bring a resolution to it one way or another.

txsilkysmoothe Established Member

txsilkysmoothe

Posted
Posted
She made a mistake. If this one display of poor judgment negates a 1.5 year serious relationship, someone wasn't genuine in their feelings and I don't think it's the gf.

 

It was wrong of me to make this statement. OP, I apologize.

 

Carhill you were right in this regard. Thanks for pointing out my blunder.

Pleco Established Member

Pleco

Posted
Posted

Maybe I'm crazy, but I think the OP is a bit retarded. (No offense! :p)

 

I may be in the minority here but my SO and I share basically everything with each other, including our past lovers in great detail. It may be irrelevant to some but it's really interesting to me (I understand YMMV). If this girl is great for you in every other way and you two are a good match, you are nuts for wanting to end it because she shared something with you that was (in YOUR opinion) too much info. Just explain to her that it was TMI and move on with it. Have you ever been in a situation before where she told you way too much info about something and you discussed what was TMI for you and what wasn't? If so, maybe she just doesn't know your boundaries yet. How much detail did she go into, exactly?

 

The timing, as others have pointed out, is irrelevant. She told you then because you had just seen him and probably wanted to avoid an awkward situation should he later tell you about it himself.

 

I think the main problem here is that your pride has been stung and you aren't mature enough to get over it. I would postpone the engagement as well, because obviously you don't know what the word "comfortable" means in a relationship yet.

 

I don't understand some of the things I read on here, how people can even consider marrying people they don't fully know. This reminds me of the guy on here who said that he would not remain in a LTR with a girl who farted in from of him or burped. :rolleyes: I don't get it.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...