Author Doing it Since '78 Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 You'll need to apply that love and kindness to yourself and your children before sending it anywhere else. Often, in a breakup or divorce we waste valuable energy focusing on what we think should (or shouldn't) be happening instead of dealing with the way things really are. Self love and love for the well being of your family gives you the strength to make the tough decisions; allowing you to break free of the poison that's been allowed to run through your lives. Fear and anger are soul mates, as are love and strength. Don't do good, motivate yourself to be good. Expect a missile or two, but deal with each the same way. It gets easier when your motivation is sincere and honest. Every divorce comes with its own loss of respect but restoring it is impossible without earning it back. How do you get back the lost respect? In the real world, I would not even associate myself with someone who my stbxw has become. I would recognize them as a cancer, miserable and a million other words, and I would stay far away from them, lest their issues become mine. Not only can I not see myself respecting her, but I have a hard time even showing her pity. Whether from her lack of remorse, or her deceitfulness, it seems far fetched that without her being honest to at least herself about what happened, she will always be a scheming liar to me. And on that same note, I am willing to verbalize where i went wrong in our marriage, her on the other hand has a million justifications, excuses, and/or lies to back up her side.
Steadfast Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 How do you get back the lost respect? In the real world, I would not even associate myself with someone who my stbxw has become. Great question, but you already know the answer. You said it yourself; One thing I told myself when all of this happened to me was, no matter what I was not going to be that guy who uses up all of his energy fixing her needs, and not having mine met in return. Their is no way in hell, that my stbxw was going to get her sexual appetite met by some joker, then come home to tell me about her long stressful day, getting her emotional needs met by me then wash, then repeat. Ask yourself brother, could you, or would you want to live like that? To summarize, before others can respect you, you have to respect yourself. Unlike others who post 'plans and schemes' to win or woo your walkaway back, I think the healthiest approach is to look at the big picture. Indeed, who wants to live like that? Who wants to be the fall back plan, safety net or consolation prize? Refusing anything but true love -a love that's freely and happily returned- starts from within. What happens during and after that decision should not be worried about because it's beyond our control.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 You start to build self respect by having NC. LC in only terms of the children, visitation and child support that is all..Your personal and professional life is no longer her concern. if she asks you how you've been you dont talk to her , you keep it about business and keep it moving. death in her family, illness, physical issues. as long as the kids are fine it has nothing to do with you. Say someone get sick, say sorry to hear that. that's it. Someone died, sorry to hear that. That's it. You must become indfferent to when she tries to manipulate you. I'd say put the screws to her and go for the jugular. Your lawyer should be fighting tooth and nails for you. not dictating you not to get full custody, right now YOU ARE THE CUSTODIAL PARENT!!! there's no one else taking care of the kids except you, that needs to be written in stone. You get residential custody, she pays child support and has visitation, simple as that. Dont lay down for her anymore than what you already done. It's time to live for you and your kids.
Author Doing it Since '78 Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) You start to build self respect by having NC. LC in only terms of the children, visitation and child support that is all..Your personal and professional life is no longer her concern. if she asks you how you've been you dont talk to her , you keep it about business and keep it moving. death in her family, illness, physical issues. as long as the kids are fine it has nothing to do with you. Say someone get sick, say sorry to hear that. that's it. Someone died, sorry to hear that. That's it. You must become indfferent to when she tries to manipulate you. I'd say put the screws to her and go for the jugular. Your lawyer should be fighting tooth and nails for you. not dictating you not to get full custody, right now YOU ARE THE CUSTODIAL PARENT!!! there's no one else taking care of the kids except you, that needs to be written in stone. You get residential custody, she pays child support and has visitation, simple as that. Dont lay down for her anymore than what you already done. It's time to live for you and your kids. Thanks bud, My lawyer advised to not rush and allow her the time and space to continue to muck everything up, whcih leaves me in a better position in a few months to ammend the custody agreement we already have, after a few months of her debauchery and skull duggery. I would have more ammo to get her with, while right now all I really have is an adulterous wife, hopefully in a few months I will have enough info from her laziness, and no account attitude towards the kids, to really jam her in a custody hearing. I was told by one lawyer during the free consultation that unless she literally gives you the kids on a platter, or she has a needle stuck in her arm, or a strait jacket on, then I would be wasting my time and my money on any prolonged custody dispute, as at the end in mediation we would probably only end up agreeing to the very same schedule that we currently have. The only reason I filed for child support at this time is, I knew I had to strike while the iron was hot, in order to prevent a change of heart on her part (in reference to the kids). Unfortunately, I think I already missed the boat on alimony, and on making her financially responsible for our assets, I think I would have to cancel the absolute divorce, and refile, which means that we would also have to draw up a second separation agreement, and I would have to get her to sign everything again, blah, blah which she probably wouldn't do a second time around, especially if it read as her only getting visitation, paying alimony, and/or child support. I realized that a selfish person is only hurt, when you affect them. By taking her kids away, their would be no affect, but by hitting her pockets, I think Rome would start to crumble. I can only hope to recoup all of the monetary losses through child support, even if it is only a few bucks a month, it is 100% better than the nothing she is kicking back now. However, I have recently been having an internal debate as to whether or not she is getting out of this situation to easy. By her not wanting anything but her own apartment, leaves me in a good place, which means she doesn't want the rental, and doesn't want our current house, she just wants to be on her own, and start over. I have no problem with her walking away with nothing if she doesn't. It just leaves me in a financial lurch, but on that same note, she is too. But you are making a lot of sense, and I will mediate on that one. Thanks Edited February 10, 2010 by Doing it Since '78
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