STBXW gone, but not forgotten

[Doing it Since '78]

Hello All,

 

My story is similar to most, as I have been lurking on this board sicne this all happened around 2 months ago, here is my story:

 

My stbxw and I had been married for 6 years, together for 13, we have two babies infants whom came one after they other 2 and 1. We were a great couple, or so I and my family and others thought, but she recently begun teaching at a new school, she also begun hanging with new friends, and like a dumb a$$ I actually at one point encouraged her to go out and have fun, while I watched our two kids, because she was constantly moping around the house, and I could sense a spirit of escaping in her.

 

To give a little back story, she went out to the School Christmas party a few days before Christmas, takes the janitor from the school home (who btw doesn't even have a car, and lives with his father and his 3 kids, by diffrent mothers, WTF!) When I asked why she did it, it was because I didn't pay her enough attention, I had no choice because I was raising our two kids, while you stayed late at work, hearing sweet nothings from the janitor

 

She told me all of the gory details, after I found texts on her phone basically bragging to one of her new friends how this joker gave it to her "thug style" and a bunch of other silliness, that sometimes sends me into fits of anger, just thinking about it. I mean this dude is the polar opposite of me, and what is funny/ironic, is that she would usually be the first to get indignant if she heard about someone else cheating on their spouse, maybe she was envious?

 

Since that day, I immediatly filed for an divorce based on adultery, asked her to leave, which she did and since that point, I have been having LC contact with her, and only on behalf of the kids. She has turned out to be a total scofflaw, never apologized, has skirted the majority of her responsibility, and has recently told me that she got an apartment, which I have a feeling she is sharing with her janitor boyfriend. I just keep getting the sneaking feeling, that she is up to something, I have not given her the impression that recon is in our future, and all I would really appreciate from her is one statement "I fked up our family, sorry" I guess that is too much to ask for, huh?

 

Then a buddy of mine who works in law enforcement does a little digging for me, and finds out this guy has an awful criminal history, plus the home he is living, and has her fooled that is all his, is owned by the housing authority, meaning it is a section 8! She has left me totally in the lurch, and has not paid one red cent towards our mortgage, or the rental we own. She is just trying to "do me", she is very selfish, and inconsiderate of mine and my children feelings.

 

She has left them, I was able to get her to sign over most of the custodial rights to me, however suppose she has a change of heart, and want's them/our life back? I have not seen this side of her yet, however because of the limited contact, and for the fact that she can come over our house to drop the kids off, she also has walked in the house without me being there, and went through a drawer or two, even though it is still her house, I mean what gives? She has not invited me to her new place, and I doubt if I were to go their to pick the kids up, that she would even dream of inviting me in.

 

I don't really have a specific question, but a little insight would help. Is their anything else that I should be doing?

Edited February 9, 2010 by Doing it Since '78

[Doing it Since '78]

Then just this morning, I have the kids until Thursday afternoon, and because of the weather she does not have to go to work, because schools are closed, yet I still have to go in. My mom was going to come over and watch the kids for me, and I was going to go in and come right back home. At some point, my mom started having chest pains last night (I am hoping and praying this is not a result of my drama), so she had to be rushed to the hospital.

 

I called her this morning to ask if she could watch the kids, she started dancing around the subject, and finnally said she would, but it would take her an hour. I said whatever, if your going to help cool, but if not it is what it is.

 

She called back a half hour later, and said (in her new "slang" voice) that she couldn't get her car out of the snow. I said, but when you were so pressed to drop them off the other day, you had no trouble getting in and out (not too mention the fact that it has not snowed again and most of the snow has started to melt), she then copped an attitude, and I admittley let her have it a little bit, until she finanly hung up on me, after I gave her a mini tongue lashing.

 

Pretty much, I imagine someone told her during that 30 minute period to not do anything to help, or she had to check and see what was going on today before she could actually come and get her own kids, when she doesn't even have to work, for me to go check on my sick mother, who did nothing but stand by her side during our marriage, and was even more dissapointed then I was by her behavior. what a shame. I am sorry I expeceted her to do something to help someone other than herself, but I guess the most troubling part is the fact that I think a dude told her to screw me and our kids, and my situation, or even worse is if her own mother told her to say no.

[whichwayisup]

Then a buddy of mine who works in law enforcement does a little digging for me, and finds out this guy has an awful criminal history, plus the home he is living, and has her fooled that is all his, is owned by the housing authority, meaning it is a section 8!

Make sure you have all this in writing and talk to a lawyer. She's not thinking with a clear head at all and she's making really bad choices.. Your children should NOT be around this guy and who knows if she will let him meet your kids.

[Doing it Since '78]

I agree, but my dad told me that I can not control who they are around, and if I can't handle that, my only choice is to become a cuckold, allow her to have sex with him and live her "party girl hood fantasy" and sit back and allow her to run over me, and under no circumstances will I live like that, or allow my son or daughter to witness me be a spineless gump to her pea brain dreams of life and luxury on skid row.

 

I just can't understand how someone could put a new "stud" in front of everything? It baffles the $hit out of me, I have been trying to not give it too much thought, I have been great with LC, and even throughout all of that she manages to blow off parent teacher conferences, and Doctors appointments, how can whatever it is out there make a mother (which I use the term loosley) to turn her back on everything, and to do it all with a grin on her face, and a look of accomplishment, like don't you get it?

 

I was doing great, smiling and keeping up appearances during our transitions of the children, however this morning I came out of character and cussed her out, I also went down today and filed child support, if she is not going to be here mentally, at least she will be held accoutable financially

 

Plus since he works at her school cleaning up vomit, she has had my daughter at the school for a program while we still married, so Im pretty convinced this joker has been around my daughter

 

Now I do have a question, my lawyer said I am entitled to support due to me having the children 230 days, and her only having them for the remainder, I am pretty sure she has no clue that she can be on the hook for child support, and I think if she got wind of that pre-final divorce hearing, it could open up a can of worms for me, but it's one of those things were at some point she needs to feel some of the stress and pinch that she herself has caused, your party girl whore lifestyle won't look so pretty with 700 bucks coming out of your check each month

 

Everyday I got a overdraft notice from her bank, which tells me her money is effed up, so I am thinking her mother must have given her the deposit for the apartment, which means that her mom also is against me and our family, I guess that explains why she is such a scofflaw

Edited February 9, 2010 by Doing it Since '78

[whichwayisup]

Yes you can. If she is seeing a guy who is sketchy as the kids father, you have EVERY RIGHT to be concerned! In a school environment, that's one thing, but for your kids to be around him outside of school is a big NO NO.

 

She isn't the woman you married right now. It is possible she's having PPD (post pardom depression) and that could be a source of why she's acting so out of sorts and out of control.

 

Anyway, YOU are the stable and reliable parent, and you need to protect your kids. They need to know that YOU love them and will be there no matter what.

[reservoirdog1]

If you have any joint bank accounts, immediately remove half the money.

 

Cancel any credit cards that are in joint name.

 

Change the locks on your home. (I realize it's hers as well, but where I live, it's common for the spouse who has primary residence of the kids to get an interim court order for "exclusive possession" of the matrimonial home. Not the same as it being GIVEN to you, but it means you get to live there exclusively, until the legalities wrap up.)

[Doing it Since '78]

thanks whichway and RD, I agree, I have been BS'in getting the locks changed, as I didn't want a situation where she could call the sheriff and have them literally knock the door down, as it is also her home, I changed the joint accounts, but only until after she hit the account for 150.00 on new years eve, so I was too slow. I have been putting most of my money under the mattress, right now she seems to not care either way, and she has not had any incentive to care, however I feel I should be liquid, and what she doesn't know I have in my pocket works in my favor

 

She has her apartment, her lust nest, her mom is paying her portion of childcare, so I imagine her checks is all hers, with nothing coming my way for the kids, she has even gone so far to buy the kids clothes/shoes to wear only when they are with her, so I am forced to buy school boots for the kids, while she only has the kids 9 days out of the month, and she usually has a reason/excuse where she can't even do that part

 

This whole thing is very disheartning, how could a mother not want her kids, at that age? I feel like I allowed her to take me back a month where her behavior this morning, I think my problem was I allowed her to think we were "buddies", as she openly bragged about a promotion at her job, as well as her new apartment, I just shook my head at her insensitivity and her oblivousness to this whole mess she caused

 

I don't even want to be around her, I think I may start doing drop off pick up at my mothers house, just to avoid looking at her, she is such a tough guy on the phone/text/e mail, however in person she won't even look me in the eye

 

She is such a coward, I have been trying to pick up the pieces, but it is almost she intentionaly pulled that $hit this morning to test my mood, I'm saying, it's my got damn mother in the hospital, and you can't pull your lips from around the janitors meat for a few hours to allow your kids to spend some time with their mother, so I can check on my sick mom, damn shame

[Doing it Since '78]

sorry for being crass everybody, just had a moment of frustration, now I understand it doesn't really matter if she was laid up with the OM or not, just the fact that she pulled that $hit, is upsetting, thanks for the support guys

[CM2009]

Hey bro I dealt with a sort of similar situation last yr with my STBXW and I came on here and got some advice, but it took me a while to put what these good people on here said into action. Just listen to everyone on here because they'll help guide you in the right direction. I'm sorry to hear about your drama, cause trust me I know where you are emotionally. I would say first thing to do is take care of you and your kids because thats the most important thing is those kids. Take care of you and what I mean by that is go out, enjoy your friends, take a trip. It all helped me in the long run. And secondly keep LC with the wife and let her be the one to contact you not the other way around, and if you talk to be her keep short and sweet, and do not and I repeat do not engage in any arguments because that will add more fuel to the fire.......

[Steadfast]

I see that you've hired a lawyer and taken the appropriate legal steps for support, etc and that's good. With that addressed, you can now work on you.

 

You are wasting a lot of energy on her '78'; wanting her to somehow, magically realize what she's done to your relationship, family and even herself. You must come to grips with the fact that you can't do anything about it...and she knows it. She is acting like a rebellious child, and part of the allure is knowing you're powerless to stop it. By fixating on her behavior you are feeding her desire to continue with it. This must stop. Understand?

 

She knows, OK? She knows what she's doing. You don't have to tell her.

 

I know it's difficult, but you must rise above it. Concentrate on you and the children's well-being and release your expectations regarding her. This will not happen overnight, but to reach your goal you must train yourself to stop thinking about her, what she's doing, or who she's doing it with. You are now, and in the future will be a single parent. Handle it. Bring in help if you have to, but handle it yourself. Inform her of what is going on, any health issues, the children's schedules then move on to the next task.

 

In time, rising above it will give you the freedom and peace you seek.

 

Part of rising above involves a certain about of humility too. Like it or not, accept your role in what happened between you two and work on improving. This would include your mindset about him; there is no shame in working as a janitor or cleaning up after kids. It must be done by someone. And while I agree that only a scumbag would get involved with a married woman, know that their 'relationship' (term used loosely) is based on lies and deception. Deep down, each knows the other is deeply flawed.

 

That's enough for now. I've been through it, as have others here. What happens to you from this point on is up to you. Just make the next 'right' and when in doubt, do what's best for the kids.

 

Keep us posted-

[CM2009]

I see that you've hired a lawyer and taken the appropriate legal steps for support, etc and that's good. With that addressed, you can now work on you.

 

You are wasting a lot of energy on her '78'; wanting her to somehow, magically realize what she's done to your relationship, family and even herself. You must come to grips with the fact that you can't do anything about it...and she knows it. She is acting like a rebellious child, and part of the allure is knowing you're powerless to stop it. By fixating on her behavior you are feeding her desire to continue with it. This must stop. Understand?

 

She knows, OK? She knows what she's doing. You don't have to tell her.

 

I know it's difficult, but you must rise above it. Concentrate on you and the children's well-being and release your expectations regarding her. This will not happen overnight, but to reach your goal you must train yourself to stop thinking about her, what she's doing, or who she's doing it with. You are now, and in the future will be a single parent. Handle it. Bring in help if you have to, but handle it yourself. Inform her of what is going on, any health issues, the children's schedules then move on to the next task.

 

In time, rising above it will give you the freedom and peace you seek.

 

Part of rising above involves a certain about of humility too. Like it or not, accept your role in what happened between you two and work on improving. This would include your mindset about him; there is no shame in working as a janitor or cleaning up after kids. It must be done by someone. And while I agree that only a scumbag would get involved with a married woman, know that their 'relationship' (term used loosely) is based on lies and deception. Deep down, each knows the other is deeply flawed.

 

That's enough for now. I've been through it, as have others here. What happens to you from this point on is up to you. Just make the next 'right' and when in doubt, do what's best for the kids.

 

Keep us posted-

 

Great words, because to be honest their relationship will not last, I'm willing put a steak dinner on that one because it is so wrong on so many different levels. But continue to work on you and build yourself up and in time she will see the error of her ways, God Bless you my friend if you ever need any to vent we're here!!!

[Doing it Since '78]

I see that you've hired a lawyer and taken the appropriate legal steps for support, etc and that's good. With that addressed, you can now work on you.

 

You are wasting a lot of energy on her '78'; wanting her to somehow, magically realize what she's done to your relationship, family and even herself. You must come to grips with the fact that you can't do anything about it...and she knows it. She is acting like a rebellious child, and part of the allure is knowing you're powerless to stop it. By fixating on her behavior you are feeding her desire to continue with it. This must stop. Understand?

 

She knows, OK? She knows what she's doing. You don't have to tell her.

 

I know it's difficult, but you must rise above it. Concentrate on you and the children's well-being and release your expectations regarding her. This will not happen overnight, but to reach your goal you must train yourself to stop thinking about her, what she's doing, or who she's doing it with. You are now, and in the future will be a single parent. Handle it. Bring in help if you have to, but handle it yourself. Inform her of what is going on, any health issues, the children's schedules then move on to the next task.

 

In time, rising above it will give you the freedom and peace you seek.

 

Part of rising above involves a certain about of humility too. Like it or not, accept your role in what happened between you two and work on improving. This would include your mindset about him; there is no shame in working as a janitor or cleaning up after kids. It must be done by someone. And while I agree that only a scumbag would get involved with a married woman, know that their 'relationship' (term used loosely) is based on lies and deception. Deep down, each knows the other is deeply flawed.

 

That's enough for now. I've been through it, as have others here. What happens to you from this point on is up to you. Just make the next 'right' and when in doubt, do what's best for the kids.

 

Keep us posted-

 

Thanks my dude, I didn't mean to come off liek an arrogant a-hole, nothing wrong with being a janitor, and to be honest, the way it went down, I can't really hold any ill-will towards the guy, she drove him to his house and gave away herself, I don't know too many jokers that would turn down a free ride, plus some free pu$$y

 

Your right, it is hard as hell to keep up with the whole "lets be friends" charade, when deep down I really despise her, and at times can't wait for her world to crumble so her $hit eating grin can turn upside down.

 

I guess I have to work on understanding that she does get it, she has chosen this new lifestyle over our once family, it hurts like hell when my daughter has daily conversations on her toy phone with her mother, I say to myself, how can anyone be so heartless and cold, but it is one of those things that I guess goes with the territory, as if my daughter is imaginging her mother their, and is even going to lenghths

 

So one more question, should I keep informing he rof activities and school matters, when it is painfully obvious that she has no intentions of going? The end result is me contacting her via email, to tell her of some event, for her not to respond, then not show up, and a flash of anger washes over me, and I find myself in that place again, the one where I felt powerless, to her whim, and under her control

 

And in retrospect, I felt good earlier after giving her a few good words off of my chest, but now I feel foolish, I fought a skunk and won, but I still smell like $hit

[Doing it Since '78]

Great words, because to be honest their relationship will not last, I'm willing put a steak dinner on that one because it is so wrong on so many different levels. But continue to work on you and build yourself up and in time she will see the error of her ways, God Bless you my friend if you ever need any to vent we're here!!!

 

Thanks Bud, I really appreciate it!

[aimchase]

Doing it - I can relate to this although not quite to the point where my ex committed adultery during our relationship (though I don't know).

 

We also have two young children and after our second, the wife really went distant. I put it down to PMT but found she was having cybersex with people online.

 

After a fallout we sorted things. But then like you, I encouraged her to go out and have a bit of a life. Not to the extent she did though, she went gung-ho and was out every weekend, leaving me with the kids. She then lost loads of weight (I mean LOADS of weight) and totally changed. It all got too much and I told her I was leaving because she wasn't there for me anymore.

 

I hoped that by leaving for a week she'd introspect her behaviour and realise what was important. She didn't though, we never reconciled as she continued pursuing a new life elsewhere.

 

I still think she's ill to an extent and if you see my own post, you'll note that she spoke of sorting things out a month ago. But then as quick as that was said, she went distant again and so i've had to cut it to stop being messed around.

 

I truly feel for you. I think childbirth sometimes does strange things to a woman, and it can take considerable time for some to realise that they lost the plot.

[Gypsy_Soul]

I don't know about this post-partum depression stuff or just because she had a child stuff is making her act this type of way. My ex-fiance has acted very similar to what the OP has said about his STBXW. It was like he was describing the exact female version of my X and he's a man.

[Doing it Since '78]

At first I figured it was PPD, or maybe her blaming me for her childhood without a father, I used to always feel as if she resented my relationship with my daughter, this was one of those things that came out of nowhere, and her behavior has snowballed downwards quickly, I thought she would burn herself out, but now I think nothing will stop her

 

I just can only imagine the day when her "party girl" life dies down, at this point a recon is tottally out of the question, I just want her to be a good person first, and then working on being a good mother, however I understand I can't force her to do either, as obviously any attempts I had during our marriage for her to be a faithful wife were futile

 

I admit I took her for granted, buts she did the same to me as well. Sex was null and void, and usually it was pity sex from either of us, so I agree we were unhappy for a while, thus after the initial heartbreak reaction, I personally thought I bounced back pretty good, it's just during these moments were she magically pulls be backwards

 

I realize that she herself is moving forward, as ignorant as she sounds with all of the forced slang, and cursing, I actually can see it for what it is, she herself is lost and in transition, trying to be something new, yet afte rmy earlier rant, I now understand that i fed her "newness", while myself I fell back into her world, where I was beginging to escape. Moving on, and thanks again guys, some of the advice on this board is priceless

 

And I now understand that why or for what reason she does this, or acts like this is a wasted journey on my part. Just keeping my head up and away from her clusterfck way of living. Being the bigger man never felt so hard, as in the real world, I would not even speak to someone who was this rotten inside, I would run from them. Unfortunatley for at least the next 18 years, I have to deal with her

[mark982]

i can't figure out how a guy with a extensive criminal background can get a janitor job in a school! hang tough my friend.

[Doing it Since '78]

i can't figure out how a guy with a extensive criminal background can get a janitor job in a school! hang tough my friend.

 

Well, it was for the city (DC) so I imagine it wasn't hard to slip through the cracks, plus the charges amounted to some serious/minor drug convictions, and a few theft/burglary charges/convictions, but nothing violent or sexual in nature. One of those things were the charges started off as serious felonies, but were copped out to misdemeanors

 

However he did have a charge of domestic assault, but it was dropped by the state, which tells me he won't play the same game with my stbxw that I did (she used to like to hit and bully a lot because I never fought back) but thanks bro for the support

[Steadfast]

 

So one more question, should I keep informing he rof activities and school matters, when it is painfully obvious that she has no intentions of going?

 

 

Once the visitation is set, I don't imagine you'll have to do much contacting with her regarding school activities. She has the same access to these materials as you do. Just do the right thing; inform her of any issues she needs to know of as a parent and then forget it. What she does, she does.

 

 

The end result is me contacting her via email, to tell her of some event, for her not to respond, then not show up, and a flash of anger washes over me, and I find myself in that place again, the one where I felt powerless, to her whim, and under her control

 

 

Please take what I'm about to type as an observation and not criticism, OK? What you're going through is normal; just one of many stages you'll encounter while going through infidelity, divorce and a family breakup.

 

A large part of the anger you feel when your wife 'disappoints' you has little to do with your daughter...even when she's directly involved. You're experiencing a loss of control over your wife, and that 'powerless' feeling comes from your inability to fix it. She's not listening...your voice is not being heard and instead of being in control, your emotions tell you she is. The instinct to protect your daughter also plays a part. You can't keep her from it, and that angers you even more.

 

Just remember that taking care of your child and being responsible (in the face of irresponsibility) does not make you her patsy. It's the part of her rebellion that may be -in the long run- the most difficult to deal with.

 

As I said before, strength is found in kindness and love. This is a process 78 and the adjustments will take some time. For now, taking care of you and your child is the priority. You seem like a loving father, she's lucky to have you. Concentrate on that. Your safety net is gone. Time to man up.

Edited February 10, 2010 by Steadfast

[Doing it Since '78]

Once the visitation is set, I don't imagine you'll have to do much contacting with her regarding school activities. She has the same access to these materials as you do. Just do the right thing; inform her of any issues she needs to know of as a parent and then forget it. What she does, she does.

 

 

 

Please take what I'm about to type as an observation and not criticism, OK? What you're going through is normal; just one of many stages you'll encounter while going through infidelity, divorce and a family breakup.

 

A large part of the anger you feel when your wife 'disappoints' you has little to do with your daughter...even when she's directly involved. You're experiencing a loss of control over your wife, and that 'powerless' feeling comes from your inability to fix it. She's not listening...your voice is not being heard and instead of being in control, your emotions tell you she is. The instinct to protect your daughter also plays a part. You can't keep her from it, and that angers you even more.

 

Just remember that taking care of your child and being responsible (in the face of irresponsibility) does not make you her patsy. It's the part of her rebellion that may be -in the long run- the most difficult to deal with.

 

As I said before, strength is found in kindness and love. This is a process 78 and the adjustments will take some time. For now, taking care of you and your child is the priority. You seem like a loving father, she's lucky to have you. Concentrate on that. Your safety net is gone. Time to man up.

 

you know what, all I can say is thanks, because that is something i really needed to hear. I won't write too much in agreeance or rebuttal, because I want to give it some time to digest. Maybe meditate on it, and give it some thought, as it is really more of a personal evil, and not so much an outside evil, if that makes sense. So thanks for keeping it 100 with me, and not pulling any punches, this is something I really appreciate

[aimchase]

The more I read this thread, the more I find it uncanny in how similar it is to my own. Steadfast - they are really great words although i'm stuck in this loop at the moment as to how I should be acting.

 

The problem is, the ex wil quite easily cry-wolf with things when she suddenly wants attention, and i'll be the a-hole if I go ignoring that (in her eyes). I'd love to express kindness, maturity and love in one sense, but at the same time I fear that such a compliant response once again gives her reassurance that she has control (and I do think a lot of her actions are about demonstrating control).

 

The other half of me therefore thinks that I have to be distant to prove that the safety net has gone. It's very difficult to find the right balance wen you have children together, but I think i'm closer to finding that mark than I ever have previously.

[lkjh]

Get your lawyer to go for the kill. Document everything and go after her. Go go custody, child support, and get the divorce.

[Doing it Since '78]

Get your lawyer to go for the kill. Document everything and go after her. Go go custody, child support, and get the divorce.

 

oh no doubt about that, this whole time I never wanted to be spiteful, bitter or mean spirited, even throughout seeing her doing the same, amongst other things I will serve the best interest of my two children, and she will provide for them, regardless of her control issues with me, or her persistence to be the "boss" of her own household, through her wild ride through the pharcyde, she will be accountable to them (kids). And to be honest, the little time she does have them (and I stress little)m she appears to be a "ok" mother (no black eyes or bruises, knock on wood), however I can now understand her limitations.

 

She can not be with them for long periods, for one reason or another, whether selfish or otherwise, where as my argument for child support has always been, if you don't want to pay child support you can always have more time with the children? However we (me and her) both know that is not only not in the best interest of the kids, but it is also one of those things that she does not want, maybe after she feels the pinch from the child support, and then only after her mothers purse runs dry, and she is forced to truly be this miss independent that she is shooting for, however those moments are a long way off. I think her mother has gotten over the initial embarassment of the situation, even though I have heard from mutual friends that she is saying we just needed time apart (not explaining her own adulterous actions of course, but also not painting me as a monster), as well as her mothe ris going to support her in this new life, although at one point I think her mom was getting in her $hit about being lazy and wanted this "new" person out of her sight as much as I did/do.

 

I guess that is why she felt the need to "assert" herself when she did this, and also why she had a look of relief/liberation on her face when she came home, at one point after discovery, she suggested counseling, yet I think that was a small part of her that was scared of embarking on her new life, without me there to have her back.

 

I am willing to admit a lack of control/forced support has bothered me, as at times, I felt as if she would be there for me like I would have been for her, but now I see, she is not the same person, and she has a new agenda, which does not include "getting my back" in a tough squeeze.

 

I just hope she now understands the ground rules that she has set for this situation, and by no means will I ever lay down at the peril of my children or myself.

 

I wanted the whole full custody thing, but my lawyer talked me out of going for the jugular off the top, as my lawyer felt if she ever fought it, I could lose more than my shirt (ever seen the movie losing Isaiah?). It one was of those situations where I would have to be liberal in my demands, yet still have the upper hand in regards to assets/children, as well as paint myself a few way outs in regards to other things (it's all in the language baby!)

 

I regret not making her more accountable money wise in our separation agreement, however as a result her actions have shown that she has no attachment to anything that "we" (using it loosely, as I now realize that in her mind, or even in reality she believed none of these things were ever hers, including the children, and they were all for me), but from a legal standpoint has made the possibility of me getting everything i need, not too far off. For a guy, that is not really a bad deal, as usually were the double victims in these situations.

 

I even had a buddy who got cheated on, removed from his home that he had owned previously to marriage, and during that same time period his wife moved her loser no account boyfriend in, who ended up pulling a gun out on him and his wife, all over my buddy not wanting this ass clown spanking his daughter, while his wife sat their in total shock over the turn of events. So in that case even though I don't have it all right now, I'm pretty fortunate to have the schedule and terms that i do have.

 

My legal strategy has been, that I can always file contempt of court for the kids, and the mortgage not being paid on our family home, well that hurts not only me, but at some point she will feel the pinch of that decision as well.

 

But alas, I agree the lack of control, and maybe even the rebellion behind it has been the hardest thing to deal with. But guess what, I am dealing. Thanks again guys, this information is priceless.

Edited February 10, 2010 by Doing it Since '78

[Steadfast]

 

...I'd love to express kindness, maturity and love in one sense, but at the same time I fear that such a compliant response once again gives her reassurance that she has control

 

 

You'll need to apply that love and kindness to yourself and your children before sending it anywhere else. Often, in a breakup or divorce we waste valuable energy focusing on what we think should (or shouldn't) be happening instead of dealing with the way things really are. Self love and love for the well being of your family gives you the strength to make the tough decisions; allowing you to break free of the poison that's been allowed to run through your lives. Fear and anger are soul mates, as are love and strength. Don't do good, motivate yourself to be good.

 

Expect a missile or two, but deal with each the same way. It gets easier when your motivation is sincere and honest. Every divorce comes with its own loss of respect but restoring it is impossible without earning it back.

[Doing it Since '78]

The more I read this thread, the more I find it uncanny in how similar it is to my own. Steadfast - they are really great words although i'm stuck in this loop at the moment as to how I should be acting.

 

The problem is, the ex wil quite easily cry-wolf with things when she suddenly wants attention, and i'll be the a-hole if I go ignoring that (in her eyes). I'd love to express kindness, maturity and love in one sense, but at the same time I fear that such a compliant response once again gives her reassurance that she has control (and I do think a lot of her actions are about demonstrating control).

 

The other half of me therefore thinks that I have to be distant to prove that the safety net has gone. It's very difficult to find the right balance wen you have children together, but I think i'm closer to finding that mark than I ever have previously.

 

Dude, to be honest, she is in control. When she wants your emotional reassurance she bats her pretty eyes, and your off to the rescue, even making you feel like a jerk for being used. That is a mind fck, plain and simple. However what about when you need reassurance regarding your needs? When you frown, does she run to hold you and make it all better, or does she walk the other way?

 

One thing I told myself when all of this happened to me was, no matter what I was not going to be that guy who uses up all of his energy fixing her needs, and not having mine met in return. Their is no way in hell, that my stbxw was going to get her sexual appetite met by some joker, then come home to tell me about her long stressful day, getting her emotional needs met by me then wash, then repeat. Ask yourself brother, could you, or would you want to live like that?

 

And is she willing to have all of her needs met by just one person, whether you or not is not the issue, because you have to remember, she herself does not know who she is or what she wants. Almost like when you were younger, and you had no fear of the world, if you always had a mom or dad to get your back. Sure it was unconditional love, but at some point GOOD parents cut the person off when they veered to far off of course. It may be time for you to do the same.