Scottdmw Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 OP, there are plenty of men out there who don't look at porn, and even more that do so only relatively rarely. Don't settle for someone that would choose it over you. That certainly is not some kind of normal male thing to do that. Unfortunately, it sounds like your boyfriend is addicted to porn. He probably doesn't want to hurt you, he might even want to stop or at least decrease, but to do so is going to be pretty tough for him no matter how much he wants to. Porn, especially the modern Internet kind, is like crack. It delivers an intense high, more intense than the real thing for some people. No wonder they would choose porn over a real relationship, just like any crack addict would choose his drug of choice over less intense natural pleasures like doing a good job at work, eating a good meal, hanging out with friends, etc. Here is a website that talks a lot about this, including stories of other peoples’ relationships that have been severely damaged: http://www.pornaddictioninfo.com/boards/index.php This is a message board much like Loveshack, but the whole focus is men who are addicted to porn, often telling in their own words what they're experiencing. Or, google “porn addiction”. There are a huge number of sites. For those of you men out there who say it's not like this, that you are not addicted, I would pose you this challenge: prove it. Go three months completely without porn. Do it for yourself, to really prove that you can take it or leave it, that you are not the slave of porn. If you can do that, I would say that shows you're not addicted. If you can't or won't do this, are you really different than an alcoholic who says "I can stop anytime I want to"? How would you know? Scott
ann09 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 the fact that he watches porn - no problem there. the fact that he watches it while LYING NEXT TO YOU AND JERKING OFF???? Um....REALLY??? Yeah. I couldn't get passed that one. AND the fact that he likes to watch it when you two are fighting?! That proves how many men have a deep rooted hatred of women and the women they're watching. I am not against it but I do see it as an addiction and unhealthy when it's viewed to an excess. you can do way better. don't settle. MOST men watch porn on the occasion - and MOST men have the class, decency and respect to do it on their own time. lose him.
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 So when you make blanket generalizations, and then somebody asks you to back up those generalizations with something other than your own opinion, that person is being immature? I didn't make a blanket generalization. I simply stated that porn was a big contributor to the breakdown of my marriage. If you have a problem with it, you are going to continue to have that problem 'til the day you die. If you absolutely cannot date a guy who watches porn, then you're going to specify that up-front. I'm sure there are lots of guys who, for cultural or religious or personal reasons, eschew porn. Though that number is dwindling every day. I never said I have a problem with porn. I never said I absolutely cannot date a guy who watches porn either. All I DID was respond that porn was in fact a direct contributor to the breakdown of my marriage. That's it.
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Porn didn't kill your marriage. The people in your marriage contributed to its breakdown. Either your husband's addiction or your intolerance, or a combination of the two. I am going to buy a gun and shoot someone, then tell the cops it was because of the gun. I didn't say porn killed my marriage either; it was a big contributor to its death. I was very tolerant, and he wasn't addicted.
AAlike Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 This thread, like 90% of other threads like this can be summed up simply - the problem is your BF, not porn. he sucks. To all women: if your boyfriend has ever visibly turned you down for sex in favor of jacking off, whether to porn or anything else, get rid of him. and place the blame squarely where it should lie, on him.
Scottdmw Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 This thread, like 90% of other threads like this can be summed up simply - the problem is your BF, not porn. he sucks. To all women: if your boyfriend has ever visibly turned you down for sex in favor of jacking off, whether to porn or anything else, get rid of him. and place the blame squarely where it should lie, on him. If a woman was dating a cocaine addict, and he preferred shooting up to being with her, I guess you might also put the blame on him. But, you might recognize that cocaine is dangerously addictive too, and that that's a separate issue from that particular man's fault. I'm not going to say that pornography is as addictive or dangerous as cocaine, but there is plenty of evidence that it is addictive and potentially dangerous. Again, I would refer you to this site: http://www.pornaddictioninfo.com/boards/index.php There are an awful lot of people there that have personally been damaged by porn--personal first hand stories. Spend some time reading it. If you won’t accept that as evidence, I don't know what you would accept. Scott
Peter Attis Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 To all women: if your boyfriend has ever visibly turned you down for sex in favor of jacking off, whether to porn or anything else, get rid of him. and place the blame squarely where it should lie, on him. Don't get me wrong, I think the guy the OP is talking about IS the problem, but I don't think that's the same across the board. If a guy turned his girlfriend down to jack off, it's likely she isn't doing something right.
AAlike Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Don't get me wrong, I think the guy the OP is talking about IS the problem, but I don't think that's the same across the board. If a guy turned his girlfriend down to jack off, it's likely she isn't doing something right. Well that may be the case, but if a woman is doing something wrong, or for whatever reason is not turning her boyfriend on, rejecting her advances and going and jacking off while continuing in the relationship is about the most disrespectful thing that he can do.
A O Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 This thread, like 90% of other threads like this can be summed up simply - the problem is your BF, not porn. he sucks. Agreed. I'm not going to say that pornography is as addictive or dangerous as cocaine, but there is plenty of evidence that it is addictive and potentially dangerous. Again, I would refer you to this site: The problem is with the user, not with what they're using. Porn like so many other aspects of life (money, drugs, cars, guns for example) is/are handled appropriately by the overwhelming majority of people. Addiction rears its head in some people regardless of what they choose to do - they are the problem, not their choice of activity. .
Peter Attis Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Well that may be the case, but if a woman is doing something wrong, or for whatever reason is not turning her boyfriend on, rejecting her advances and going and jacking off while continuing in the relationship is about the most disrespectful thing that he can do. Well, if he's doing it right next to her like the OP's boyfriend, then, yeah, that's a pretty big slap in the face.
Scottdmw Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 The problem is with the user, not with what they're using. Porn like so many other aspects of life (money, drugs, cars, guns for example) is/are handled appropriately by the overwhelming majority of people. Addiction rears its head in some people regardless of what they choose to do - they are the problem, not their choice of activity. . I don't think that's right. Different things have varying levels of addiction potential. Alcohol is relatively safe, the majority of people can use it with no problem, but some become alcoholics. Crack is on the other end of the spectrum. My understanding is that it will very quickly form an addiction in just about anyone. There is no such thing as a person that can use crack without getting addicted. So the question is where does pornography fall? Is it like alcohol where it is dangerous only to a minority, like cocaine where it is dangerous to more, or like crack where just about anyone will become addicted? I personally say it's somewhere in the middle, but from my personal experience I think it's a lot more addictive than alcohol for me. Scott
A O Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 So the question is where does pornography fall? The question is whether the activity is addictive or whether the person has an addictive personality. For most drugs, not just illegal substances, most people can use them in a proper manner. Some people, however, fall prey to ordinary prescription drugs simply because it is them, not the drug that is the problem. Same deal with porn - is it addictive or is the person prone to addiction? The answer to this is fairly obvious, especially when one takes into account the amount of porn use relative to the amount of addiction. Is it porn or is it the person that's the problem - this is what I'm more concerned with here rather than where porn stacks up in the addiction stakes. .
Scottdmw Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 The question is whether the activity is addictive or whether the person has an addictive personality. For most drugs, not just illegal substances, most people can use them in a proper manner. Some people, however, fall prey to ordinary prescription drugs simply because it is them, not the drug that is the problem. Same deal with porn - is it addictive or is the person prone to addiction? The answer to this is fairly obvious, especially when one takes into account the amount of porn use relative to the amount of addiction. Is it porn or is it the person that's the problem - this is what I'm more concerned with here rather than where porn stacks up in the addiction stakes. . Let's say for the sake of argument that the situation is as you describe it, that only people with addictive personalities will become addicted to porn. Does it matter in a practical sense? Let's say you are a man considering whether to look at porn or not. You know that some people have gotten dangerously addicted to the point where it is done a lot of harm. Perhaps it was because those men had addictive personalities. Either way, you would be taking a risk. You wouldn't know upfront whether you yourself have an addictive personality and would be in danger unless you try it. If you try it and turn out to have an addictive personality or sensitivity to porn, it's too late you're already addicted. What I'm trying to say here is there is a danger that people might convince themselves that they do not have an addictive personality when in fact they do. I take it you view porn at least some of the time. If you don't mind me asking, have you recently gone a significant period of time without it, perhaps three months or more? Are you sure that you could if you wanted to? I know when I decided I didn't want to look at porn anymore, it turned out to be surprisingly difficult. And, I wouldn't say I have a particularly addictive personality. Scott
RedDevil66 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 There is nothing wrong with a man liking/watching porn, but in this case, he's addicted to the porn. When something like booze, drugs, sex is used to avoid and fill the void, it's classified as an addiction. He won't change unless he gets some therapy. You can't /won't change him. A word of advice, get to know someone REALLY well before you move in with them. You need to take some of the blame here as well
lookin2wardthefuture Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Porn addiction is usually only one of several addictions going on. Porn, sex, and drugs are closely related in a good number of these people. Guys who watch porn are also much more likely to cheat. Get out now before you waste anymore time.
You'reasian Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Porn addiction is usually only one of several addictions going on. Porn, sex, and drugs are closely related in a good number of these people. Guys who watch porn are also much more likely to cheat. Get out now before you waste anymore time. How about girls who watch porn?
lookin2wardthefuture Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Porn was a major contributor to the breakdown of my 14 year marriage. Ditto my 20 year marriage. Pot lead to porn, porn lead to prostitutes. And yes he was "getting" plenty at home!
A O Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Let's say for the sake of argument that the situation is as you describe it, that only people with addictive personalities will become addicted to porn. Does it matter in a practical sense? What matters is that we don't lump this activity in with addictive substances. A clear line needs to be kept between the two. Everyone falls victim to cocaine and the like while only some fall under the spell of porn. The common denominator in the former is the substance. The common denominator in the latter is a certain type of person. What I'm trying to say here is there is a danger that people might convince themselves that they do not have an addictive personality when in fact they do. I imagine that a good deal of addicts fail to realize what they are or kid themselves that they aren't at some stage. Still, that doesn't mean we should banish an entire activity because of a few. I take it you view porn at least some of the time. If you don't mind me asking, have you recently gone a significant period of time without it, perhaps three months or more? Are you sure that you could if you wanted to? Porn is simply something I fit in among a myriad of other activities. There are a lot of things I'd hate to be without - porn isn't one of them. I know when I decided I didn't want to look at porn anymore, it turned out to be surprisingly difficult. And, I wouldn't say I have a particularly addictive personality.Was your porn use negatively impacting on you or anyone close to you? That is what is important here moreso than whether it's an addiction or not. .
New_Life08 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I don't blame you a bit. This is perverse and violates your intimate relationship. People will disagree, but those people are usually single or in a unhealthy relationship. If his choice was so damn grueling for him I don't think I would trust it to stick. He definitely has an addiction that interferes with your relationship. He needs therapy. I doubt his ability to abstain from it; it would be like making him cold turkey cigarettes against his will. He has to want to quit in order to be successful. Obviously he feels pressured or he wouldn't have taken so long to give you an answer...
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