How to break up with my GF

[HowToBreakup]

Ok, I have been dating this girl for over a year now. On the outside, she is very attractive and sweet, but I just do not feel like we have good sexual chemistry. She is a great "friend", meaning I like hanging out with her, but the sex was never good. I do not know how to break up with her.

 

We have a great time hanging out, she really likes my jokes, and she likes to listen to my political opinions, and it seems that she wants a constructive life, get married and have kids, etc. That part is good. But she always seems like she is too much of a "good girl" for me. She is very BORING. She has no real opinions of her own, she does not contribute anything to the relationship. She doesnt have a good sense of style, and she never comes up with any ideas of music, art, things to do, etc, and I like to date girls who have these types of interests and share them with me. It is like she has no personality. She works long hours (10 - 12 hours a day, every day)...she is a social worker, and gets paid very little money for her work, although she has a masters degree.

 

She has a high sex drive, always wanting to have sex, which is a good thing, but when we do have sex, she is terrible at it. I like girls who are passionate and like to get into it, but she is very boring, wont do different positions, she just lays there and stares at the wall. It is very awkward. Because I have been with her for the past year, I feel that I have not had any real good sex in over a year now. When we do have sex, I feel sort of "creeped out" a bit. I cannot explain it, it is like her skin is much colder temperature than mine, and so I do not even like touching her so much. She is also very flat-chested; when she takes off her shirt and bra, I look at her and think she seems to look like a guy or something, because her breasts are so small. Even tho I am sort of an "ass-man", I like to have a woman who looks like, well, a woman! I started trying to "coach" her on how to have good sex, and she has improved a little bit, but not much. Also, she REFUSES to shave (or wax) down there. TOTAL turn off.

 

I also coached her a little bit on how to be stylish, and she has really improved there...that is a good thing. But, I don't want to have to tell a girl how to look great, I want someone who already has that quality within her.

 

In addition to this, she wont leave my place. Over time, she has been slowly "moving in", every time she would come over (which was every day), she would bring another small bag of stuff and would just conveniently leave it at my place. Now, she has BAGS of stuff here, it is like she has her entire dresser drawer is here, in little bags, sitting on the floor of my bedroom. And sometimes, I like to have a night off to myself, but she wont do that. She refuses to give me a night to myself. When I do ask for a night to myself, she will tell me "OK, sure", but then tells me that she left something important at my place that she will need for that night, and when she comes over to get it, she wont leave...she puts on her pajamas and starts watching tv, and when I tell her to leave, she starts acting like a bully, and gets a mean look on her face, and just simply refuses to leave!! She also STALKS me, yes, stalks me. When I first met her, I had a choice between her or another girl, well, she kept hanging around, following me, and scared off the other girl. Sometimes, even if I was alone, she would call my cell 8 or 10 times, or would wait for me outside my apartment, for hours, waiting for me to come home.

 

She has her own apartment, with roomates, but she has slept here for something like 4 months in a row now. It is like she has moved in on me and wont leave, and wont pay rent!!! I asked her, as a joke, that she should pay rent since she is here all the time, and she put her fists on her hips and gave me an evil stare. I feel like she is smothering me, wont respect my boundaries, and when I try to ask for the night off, she cries or bullies me by giving me this eveil look on her face, and then accuses me that if I have a night off, I will cheat on her. And if I go into a room and shut the door, she comes running over and asks me why the door is closed, and what am I doing, I feel like I am living in the movie 1984, with "Big Brother" watching me...she wont give me a moment alone.

 

Another problem - her dad had a sex change. I do not like to judge people, but the fact is, I just dont want my future children to have a grandfather who has done this.

 

I am terrible at breaking up, because I do not like to break any ones heart...I am a complete pussy when it comes to breaking up. I hate making a girl feel bad and I dont like the way it feels for me when I have to do it. When I HAVE tried breaking up with her in the past, it took a lot of courage, and when I finally got the nerve to do it, she would either cry, or just sit down on my couch and stare at the wall, or turn on the TV!! She would not leave!!

 

Yes, I realize I have low self-esteem and that is why I am having trouble with this. My family thinks I should marry her, but they dont have any idea about the "bad" things about her. I just feel that I should let her go, so that I can focus on myself for a while and then try to fond someone who is better for me.

 

So, I need some help in getting ideas on how to break up with her, or how to say it...remember, she has all of her stuff here (including her laptop) so I cannot do it over the phone or via email, I need to do it in person so that she will get her crap and leave with it.

 

Does anyone have any ideas?

Edited February 8, 2010 by HowToBreakup
Correct spelling errors

[reservoirdog1]

Unfortunately, there is no "easy" way to break up with her. You will probably break her heart. But doing so doesn't make you a bad person. You have a right to be happy, and right now it sounds like you're not. Staying with her just because your parents like her, or because you can't muster up the stones to break up with her, are both crappy reasons.

 

A few of your criticisms of her sounded a bit superficial; I expect some of the responses you get here will take issue with that. But guess what... the superficial stuff DOES matter. Just like with any of the hundreds of things one person might not like about their SO, the only relevant question is whether or not the superficial things are important enough to warrant either changing them, or ending the relationship.

 

Plus, you've listed some things that AREN'T superficial. The stalker-ish stuff, the fight she kicks up when you want to go out with the guys for a change... those are HUGE red flags. Those things are not likely to get better as the commitment between you two gets more and more entrenched.

 

When you tell her you want to break up, my advice is to avoid saying that it's because of anything physical about her. That would be unnecessarily hurtful. And leave out the part about her dad. But at the same time, don't give her the "it's not you, it's me" pablum stuff. Give her enough respect to be honest about some of the things you don't like about the situation. The stuff about needing your own space, feeling smothered, the restrictions on your activity... those are all good reasons, and should probably be stated. A good blanket way of putting it is to tell her that she clearly has certain needs and requirements of a partner, and that you don't feel that they're compatible with your needs.

 

I know you genuinely like her as a friend. You have to accept that you may not be able to keep her as a friend, at least not for the foreseeable future.

 

DON'T be deluded into thinking that what you say is going to have much bearing on how she handles it. It is NOT going to go "well". It will be unpleasant. She'll cry, she'll get angry, she'll send you text messages, voicemails and emails that won't be pleasant to read.

 

But once you've done it, and she has her stuff out of your home (and you've reclaimed your key...), you will probably feel relieved, like a great weight has been lifted from you.

 

I sympathize man... I went through this about a year and a half ago. In that case, we were living together. It was rough, no doubt about it -- I have self-esteem issues and I'm very much a "people pleaser", in that I HATE making people upset with me. It sucked. But it had to be done. And I don't regret it at all. And I definitely experienced the sense of relief and liberation afterwards.

 

Good luck man... be strong.