Spin-off: Father/daughter relationship of OW in long term EMA

[jennie-jennie]

I bring my past into the present. It has had an impact on who I am. I have been a member of Al-Anon for many years. There I learnt to look firstly at myself and see what I could work with and improve, to not focus on whether the alcoholic became sober or not, and that I could lead a good life whether or not I chose to continue my relationship with the alcoholic.

 

I believe I can take this knowledge and apply it to my present situation as well. My primary focus should be on me and what I can learn from life. Whether or not the MM leaves his marriage or not, makes a decision or not, should not be the focus of my attention. I should be able to make a decision whether I want to stay with him separate from that. And even if I decide to stay with him still in an EMA I should be able to lead a good life, my own life, which he is a part of, but not the centre.

[Got it]

This is true for me as well. My exSO has similarities with my mother (both are abusive) whereas my MM has similarities with my father (both are/were very loving).

 

My little sister has also been the OW for a couple of years. I would say she had an inappropriately close relationship with my mother and a poor relationship with my father.

 

Yeah I wouldn't say that either one of my parents were abusive, but there were points of time where their relationship greatly influenced their parenting.

 

I did find out as an adult that my mom had had an affair when I was very young but knew nothing of it growing up. The only thought I had with it was anger/frustration that even then their relationship was so bad that they should have parted and yet stayed together. So frustration at her for not making the leap after being unhappiness to have an affair and frustration at my father to continue the relationship where it obviously contributed to his overall unhappiness. The continuing martyrdom that they both perputrated which was total hogwash. The truth was neither was brave enough to part until we were much older.

 

So yeah the lesson I learned is suffer through life once you make a decision come hell or high water. So I made sure to do the exact opposite of what learned from them. And even with my own divorce, I have lead a pretty happy life. I have no regrets on the divorce, he and I are very close, it was very amicable and it was a good friendship in the marriage. Same goes for sMM. I have very few regrets in my life as I have never allowed myself to sacrifice myself for others, and I have NEVER allowed fear to rule any part of my life.

[jennie-jennie]

I have very few regrets in my life as I have never allowed myself to sacrifice myself for others, and I have NEVER allowed fear to rule any part of my life.

 

Very wise and very important. I too have few regrets, because even when things have not turned out as I wished, I know I was where I wanted to be.