Kamille Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 @ ShamWOW from JS's opening post. Please don't take this chance to take a hit at me for my thoughts on certain subjects.
DMoon Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I find it really hilarious how some people can come to a thread about 'Let's confess our wrongs in relationships', and start talking about other peoples' wrongs instead. Anyone who thinks he was not the cause of any of the issues in his relationships, is either pigheadedly obtuse, or has never had any relationships. Pick one. Sorry your thread got derailed, JS. It's a really good one, I'll come back and contribute more when I've time! Good Point. This thread I thought was about self examination not open season to be overly critical on the OP based on past posting history. To the original subject: boundaries, despising neediness and very strong emotionalism within myself, and not feeling, fun, exciting, or attractive enough have been personal impediments.
Kamille Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 You haven't lived my life. It was my fault my ex got addicted to cocaine, or all of the girlfriends that cheated, or the girl that turned bisexual... You're right. All my fault. Perhaps you don't know how to choose your partners properly?
tami-chan Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I am passive-aggressive and do not know how to lay it all out without being prodded. I give up too easily on people and relationships because I have no patience. I need a factual declaration of feelings, even though I understand it is almost impossible to quantify/qualify feelings. I do not like dealing with people who have the same flaws as my own.
JohnnyBlaze Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Initially, my big problem is shyness around women. I know it's not quite what you were asking, but it has managed to end quite a few relations before they ever got started (including one that I think it's doing right now), so it qualifies in my books. Once/if things do get going, my big flaw is in how I resolve problems. If it's not relation-based, I'll just fight through it myself; I'm not good at asking for help. If it is relation-based, I'll keep quiet. I know that, although it takes a lot to push me over the line, once I'm over, there's no going back. I'd rather implode on myself than explode at someone I love.
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 As a subset of and partial explanation of a faulty people-picker (from prior post), attracting and being attracted to emotionally (and/or generally) unavailable women and validating my ego by the act of 'rescue'. This would necessarily align with tying too much of my self-worth in another person. Unhealthy. Wrong.
Crazy Magnet Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I'd like to add another one! I let my negative inner dialogue take over, and only imagine the worst possible scenario in relationships when an issue arises. Such as, I tell myself that "I'll never be enough for this person, they will always need more from some other girl." Then I start to pull back emotionally and physically and essentially starve the other person of affection. It's like a slow, painful relationship strangling. Who on earth wants to be in that relationship! Not I!
Stockalone Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Do you see your own pitfalls when dealing with the opposite sex? Are you open enough and honest enough to admit them here? There are plenty of potential pitfalls. However, I don't think of all of them as faults or what I do/did wrong, although those character traits are certainly not being helpful when it comes to relationships. Here are a few that come to mind, but there are most likely more. I am not a very patient man. I am stubborn. I am very reluctant to ask for help. Sometimes, I make up my mind before/without consulting my SO. When I feel wronged, I need to get even. I can be passive-aggressive. I want exclusivity as soon as possible. I am very possessive which can be seen as controlling. My world view is black and white. When something bothers me, I can't simply let it go. I'll press on relentlessly until I get an answer that satisfies me. I suck at predicting how a woman will react towards some of the things I do/say, which leads to me underestimating the impact it has on a woman. Thus hurting her feelings when that wasn't my intention. So far, I haven't found a middle ground when it come to emotions. I either show very few emotions or a woman might be faced with an emotional tsunami of unfiltered and raw emotions. I invest early and thus in my mind are often one or more steps ahead of the "real" progression of the relationship.
OnlyJake Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 If I had to describe the things about my last ex that were difficult to deal with, or that I gathered were issues in his other relationships, this would describe him to a T; I might only add one thing. This same ex actually just told me today that when I get mad I close up. I think this was true for a couple of my relationships, but honestly, I think that was more of a learned behavior, in response to the thing I bolded below, from meerkat's post. Often the men I dated wrote off things I got mad about as "trivial", or me being emotional, etc. Great thread idea My mistakes: At the beginning, I often rush past the discussion of boundaries and expectations when things get to the exclusivity stage because we are clicking so well, no need for such, right? I do not ask enough of GFs out of being independent and self-sufficient for so long, I don't let them "do for me" enough. I tell them they just have to show up, be themselves and have fun, and don't worry about me, when this seems to make them insecure or unhappy. I need to allow more back and forth "doing for" each other. If they get very emotional, and I think the motivation is trivial, I don't give them enough of a chance to air out their feelings. Sometimes I even shut them down or out. Most people are more emotional than I am, doesn't make them lesser or weak. I am capable of taking politeness and basic courtesy too seriously. I am capable of blowing people off for minor rudeness, writing them off too quickly over thoughtlessness instead of telling them my side and talking about it. I can be snotty about people's lack of smarts or common sense, especially if it inconveniences or costs me. I keep too much score in this regard and anger too easily over dumb things people do that are out of my control. Peace, harmony and lots of quiet time in a relationship are very important to me. Sometimes, due to infatuation, I have remained with a drama or conflict seeking or creating person when I could tell earlier that the basic alignment is incompatible, and should cut those off earlier as opposed to trying to fix things or hope they improve. In these situations, and other real incompatibilities, I need to think with my head more than my heart. I sometimes do "too good a job" in early attraction, and should not take advantage of certain skills prematurely or use them manipulatively. Having partners feel they are in love too fast is not a good outcome because there is no way it is real yet and these relationships implode very quickly when reality sets in.
bananaboat11 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Great Thread Jersey! I am too nervous and cautious in the first stages of dating, and sometimes expect the worst. I have a lot of trouble with conflict, so I hold things inside and guys wonder what the Hell they did to upset me. I take a VERY long time to warm up to someone intimately, which could be either really good or really bad. Also, I am physically self-concious and am afraid that a guy would secretly want their ex or another woman because I'm not pretty enough for them. I am afraid that if we ever get into a fight, they will hate me and leave me, and never come back. Boy, I'm gonna go buy a tub of ice cream! 1. If your forum avatar is you... you're very attractive. Be confident. 2. a tub of ice cream sounds nice... but I like my body.. so make it frozen yogurt pls
neowulf Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 1. I can appear vasty different in many contexts and this confuses people. Women will meet me when I'm in "Happy, Friendly, outgoing life of the party mode" then, be confused when they discover that I'm actually quite serious and pondering.
neowulf Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 1. Going to Emotional extremems. As one girlfriend put it.. "When you're good, you're amazing.. but when you're bad... you're terrible". I'm passionate by nature and that makes me volatile. When I'm up, I can be tremendeously possitive, playful, insightful and funny. When I'm down... I can be depressed, moody, sullen, withdrawn and aloof. Thing is, I'm *all* these things. I find it difficult to find a women who can deal with "all" of me, rather than a particular "version" of me. In recent years, I've been working to try and "minimise" the down aspects. It's a work in progress. 2. Boundry Issues I tend to want to be "fair". In trying to be fair, I often compromise things that turn out to be very important to me and end up causing resentment. I tend to value my partners perspectives to the point that I doubt my own. 3. Insecurity The more I value something, the more the fear of losing it becomes an issue for me. Being deeply in love with a woman leaves me feeling extremely exposed. As a result, the early stages of a relationship can be difficult as I act out these insecurities. It's also making it very difficult to commit to another person. Once again, something I'm aware of and working on. --- Sometimes, I think we need others to show us who we are. To help us see around our 'blind spots'.
OnlyJake Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 It's very easy for me to see multiple sides of any given issue, which causes a couple different problems.
You'reasian Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) - I am an extrovert and a geek! I can be bubbly, work a room and be full of charm; other times I can be completely quiet, serious and deep in thought - and this confuses people who don't spend alot of time with me. Some insist that I think I'm a big shot when I turn up my extrovert; others think I'm shy when I'm quietly reading, pondering or brainstorming. Sometimes I'm required to do or be both and am learning to care less what others think - My people picker needs fine tuning - I've been involved with people completely wrong for me in the past. I am working on this and its working out much better for me. I'm noticing women who share more similar interests, which automatically improves the quality and lifestyle choices. - I've been too much "in the moment" in the past and less interested in being on the same page - related to the people picker thing. I've learned to stop myself and really see if the girl and I are on the same sheet of music so to speak. Edited February 10, 2010 by You'reasian
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Good idea for a thread. Everyone could use a little self-reflection time. 1. After being in a relationship for a while I may tend to take things for granted. I have to remind myself to grateful for what a great relationship I have and to make sure I treasure it. 2. I tend to bottle small things up and then just let it all explode at once, causing my partner to have a "where did this come from?!" type reaction. Though I've gotten a lot better about this lately! 3. I subconsciously expect my partner to inherently feel the same way I do towards things, even though we're very different. I'm getting better about this too.
You'reasian Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 There are plenty of potential pitfalls. However, I don't think of all of them as faults or what I do/did wrong, although those character traits are certainly not being helpful when it comes to relationships. Here are a few that come to mind, but there are most likely more. I am not a very patient man. I am stubborn. I am very reluctant to ask for help. Sometimes, I make up my mind before/without consulting my SO. When I feel wronged, I need to get even. I can be passive-aggressive. I want exclusivity as soon as possible. I am very possessive which can be seen as controlling. My world view is black and white. When something bothers me, I can't simply let it go. I'll press on relentlessly until I get an answer that satisfies me. I suck at predicting how a woman will react towards some of the things I do/say, which leads to me underestimating the impact it has on a woman. Thus hurting her feelings when that wasn't my intention. So far, I haven't found a middle ground when it come to emotions. I either show very few emotions or a woman might be faced with an emotional tsunami of unfiltered and raw emotions. I invest early and thus in my mind are often one or more steps ahead of the "real" progression of the relationship. Comparing your list to the list about the gf you were with shows that the two of you might have been incompatible....just sayin.
fallendisguise Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I like this thread Jersey. Hmmm.. I stick around long after I know I should leave. I always think it will get better or change (maybe I should apply that to my prob now LOL) I also am too sarcastic in my joking when I first start dating. I let things that bother me build up and am not firm enough in setting boundaries. I used to be afraid of communicating about how I felt. I always thought I had to be a hard @$$. But in this last relationship have been very open, so at least I've worked on something! LOL
JoJola Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 hmmmm... If I really like a guy I have problems...I will act as if I dont, like a self defense mechanism! When actually I can be head over heels for them but I dont portray it. I guess I never seen this in myself until one of my ex boyfriends told me..now I see it clearly! I go on acting as if they can be replaced in a minute..however I can say that I will compliment them, call them, text them, and always keep my promises, plus tell them I want to get together etc...somehow I think that is enough but I think the vibes I give are seen by the men I have dated. Not sure how to fix this tho.....
Els Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 You haven't lived my life. It was my fault my ex got addicted to cocaine, or all of the girlfriends that cheated, or the girl that turned bisexual... You're right. All my fault. Course not. It wasn't Bin Laden's fault that Jews died in concentration camps and peasants died in building the Great Wall of China, either. By your logic, that makes him faultless, correct? Everyone has faults and everyone makes mistakes. If you think you don't - well, that's just another fault right there.
TO_Girl Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 wow I think this thread makes us all think about the things that we can change and work on , instead of ALWAYS putting the blame on the other person, personally I know I got a few issues that I have to work on, related to my self esteem and past experiences, I have been burnt too many times and as a result I tend to bring past issues into new relationships: - I get overly anxious in the first stages of dating, monitoring every single phone call, text, etc .. "trying to filter the good ones from the bad ones" I am the quiet type.. I won't bitch about it but silently Im closely watching... -Because of the way I analize things.. I overeact too easily and can be too hard on issues that can be taken with a grain of salt..I was once told "I dont let peopke in" - I tend to put all the effort on the other person, while it is true that a man should should his interest and initiate contact , until im %1000 sure that you like me I wont be the type to initiate a conversation or a text.. like a random phone call to talk about silly stuff.. thus i have no problem with the NC rule.. "if you don't call me , years can pass by that I won't call you either" ... its my ego. -I have problems expressing my feelings and communicating things being assertive and not aggresive ... when I bottle things up and I finally explode I don't bring issues exposing the problem... I "hint" at it by being cod and very sarcastic... I can't be straight about XYZ.. I have a problem validating my issues and knowing that I have the right to feel a certain way and express it. -I too imagine the worst scenario, oh you did not call me... this is it , end of the world you dont like me enough and will never hear from me again...too aggresive and jump to conclusions. - I care to know a man's history but I dont want to know ALL the detials about the ex.. if i happen to hear too much I can obsess about it and strat wondering whether you did this or that with your previous partner as well. - I am toooo friendly and thus have a problem setting bounderies, fell like people will give up on me If I set my boundaries...thus guys take me for granted. - BIG issue, I am not the type to date around, I like exclusivity as soon as I can get it...but I make a big mistake as I consider myself a sexual person and I give it too soon at times .. thus setting the standards of the relationship to FWB or something of the sort ... don't let guys pursue me. I have been working on all of this though , and feel that I am getting better little but little... but still Ithink I ned to fix this I want to give someone a chance to get closer to me and have a relationship.
Stockalone Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Comparing your list to the list about the gf you were with shows that the two of you might have been incompatible....just sayin. With that list, I am incompatible with plenty of women. But I have got the flu today, which seems to slow me down mentally too. What list about a gf are you referring to?
vanilla87 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 My problems usually stem from being hurt one too many times by certain guys repeatedly. 1) I tend to be horrible at returning phone calls or remembering to call someone back. But I can't help it that I leave my cell on silent 24/7 or that I don't like to pick it up when I'm driving. It's illegal in NY State, so sue me for being safe haha 2) Trust. I have a hard time trusting or the completely opposite is that I trust a guy too much to a certain degree early on. I give the benefit of the doubt, but if one thing goes wrong, I start to retract that, slowly. 3) I'm a forgiving person. This stems from just being jaded too much and experiencing a lot more then someone should my age. So I can rationalize situations and give someone slack for things that happen, even if they are being a jerk. This causes me to get walked all over or my ability to give is then abused. 4) I'm too detached. This has always caused me over time to be distant or commitment phobic on many occasions. Right now, I'm in that stage, because I got out of something serious in August and the guy I've been seeing got out of something serious in October and we started seeing each other in beginning of November. So it's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop or I fear the worst, which is he'll snap out of it and want a commitment. This in fact could make me run for the hills. But I'm also comfy for the first time in my life where I don't want to rush something and also don't need a commitment right now. 5) I'm feel like I'm just destine for problem filled guys. But then again, I'm problem filled to begin with, so it seems like I just subconsciously get with these guys to either over compensate for my issues or to use them as a distraction. But you can only avoid something for so long before it hits you in the face. 6) The guys I'm actually ready for something with just run the other way, but when I'm not, they just can't help but knock on my metaphorically door at all hours. I'm trying to find a balance, but I have yet to figure out how to appeal to guys in general. It's not that I don't have a problem attracting the opposite sex, just that I feel as though maybe my ability to be comfortable with my body and sexuality is scaring guys left and right. 7) I think I give guys the wrong impression when they get me alone. It always seems as though I want more then conversation. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but I'm not the kind of girl that gives service to that 24/7 with just anyone. And I'm a natural flirt, which tends to make guys seem I just want sex all the time. But I don't. I have to say that is my issue I need to work on big time. Not being so much a sex kitten in conversations. 8) I have problems with be emotionally available to anyone. I've lost a lot of people and because of that, I have a hard time giving a part of myself to anyone. Sex is the easy part, its that whole falling in love thing that's the difficult part. and lastly... 9) I'm afraid to fall in love again. I think it's the whole fact that I fear of being super vulnerable with a guy. The whole idea of him being so immersed in me that the moment I feel he could "fall" for me or that I could "fall" for him, I freeze up, almost have what feels like a panic attack, and just need to be alone till further notice. It stems back from the last two guys I've dated, who I've fallen in love with. My one ex from 5 years ago, really emotionally/mentally messed with me. He cheated, manipulated, verbally torn me down, and blamed everything on me. Then my most recent ex, I was engaged to at one point, but we fell in love too quickly and he left me a total of 3 times in the last 2 years. So I just have this fear of a guy betraying me, leaving me, and abusing me emotionally/mentally. So I end up pushing a guy away or like one of the reasons I listed is that I get "detached".
You'reasian Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) 9) I'm afraid to fall in love again. I think it's the whole fact that I fear of being super vulnerable with a guy. The whole idea of him being so immersed in me that the moment I feel he could "fall" for me or that I could "fall" for him, I freeze up, almost have what feels like a panic attack, and just need to be alone till further notice. It stems back from the last two guys I've dated, who I've fallen in love with. My one ex from 5 years ago, really emotionally/mentally messed with me. He cheated, manipulated, verbally torn me down, and blamed everything on me. Then my most recent ex, I was engaged to at one point, but we fell in love too quickly and he left me a total of 3 times in the last 2 years. So I just have this fear of a guy betraying me, leaving me, and abusing me emotionally/mentally. So I end up pushing a guy away or like one of the reasons I listed is that I get "detached". Interesting. I used to be all about being in the moment and just letting it flow, so the romance would get extremely intense...without really thinking about what this persons intentions are, their level of commitment, values and true compatability. I can understand your fear of being betrayed. Have you considered taking things slower? This definitely works for me - allowing me to process more about the other person, my own thoughts, consider some things to talk about and move forward in a healthier pace... and if the two of you find you're not that compatible, you're not too deep that you need to hit the brakes to stop a crash - instead you can slow down and discuss. Edited February 10, 2010 by You'reasian
vanilla87 Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Interesting. I used to be all about being in the moment and just letting it flow, so the romance would get extremely intense...without really thinking about what this persons intentions are, their level of commitment, values and true compatability. I can understand your fear of being betrayed. Have you considered taking things slower? This definitely works for me - allowing me to process more about the other person, my own thoughts, consider some things to talk about and move forward in a healthier pace... and if the two of you find you're not that compatible, you're not too deep that you need to hit the brakes to stop a crash - instead you can slow down and discuss. Well we are taking slow, actually since day one. We both have busy schedules and we've both just got out of something last year with other people so we're not jumping head first into any commitment. Nothing has been talked about *phew!*, but I can tell he hasn't healed as quickly as myself after a breakup. Then again I had more time to heal, two months more time. He only had about a few weeks. So basically, I'm not worried, just that I don't want the "L" word dropped anytime soon. I've only known the guy since the first first week of november. The back story is though that we went to the same high school, graduated together, but never spoken a word to one another, never had a class together. Yet we also had a ton of friends in common. So we do have some history, but nothing that is shared exactly. I really don't know how to explain that one...
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