Jersey Shortie Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Or in this case, sub "I" for "you" if you'd like to answer the question. This board is full of posts blaming the other gender for dating/relating and mating issues. I thought we could use a post that made us think about what *we* personally do that probably harm our relationships with members of the opposite as well. It's hard to admit the things we don't do very well to the people we love, but much easier on a message board..hopefully. And if you can say them on a message board maybe it makes it easier to admit to them and resolve them. For me, I know I can be stubborn and difficult. I seem to want my guys to agree with my thoughts and the way I see things. And if they don't, I feel further away from them and unhappy and worried what that means for my relationship with them. Instead of just respecting their different way of approaching something I see it as a roadblock that maybe we aren't on the same wave length and it worries me about the relationship. I also tend to think about what could be the worse case scenarios, not giving men the benefit of the doubt. I know I should give people the benefit of the doubt but I think that's left me open and vunerable too many times so now I rather plan out the worst thing that could happen to be prepared. Although, that's not exactly a positive thing to do in a relationship, always waiting for the other shoe to fall. Please don't take this chance to take a hit at me for my thoughts on certain subjects. This doesn't change the way I see of feel about certain subjects even if I know my approach could be improved. Do you see your own pitfalls when dealing with the opposite sex? Are you open enough and honest enough to admit them here? I know I have many more so I have to think on whatelse I do.
Kamille Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Interesting insights on your own situation JS. For me: I get in self-defense mode too easily. I go from "everything is fine" to "how dare you do this to me" at the drop of a hat and skip the 'I'm sure we can discuss this and find a solution" phase. I also struggle(-am learning how) to establish healthy boundaries in a relationship. I always second guess myself and that probably explains why I lapse into self-defense mode. I let things slide, let things slide, let things slide until bf does pushes something too far (in my book).
greatgirlfriend Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I've been asking myself that a lot the last week. The guy I really like, the one I want to be with is accusing me of rushing things, stating that I want him to get me pregnant so we'll marry I never said that or even implied because I've only reconnected with him two months and saw him twice (plus I can't afford a marriage or a baby now and certainly don't want to in an early relationship). I know he does have mama issues, but maybe I did rush things. I did bring up things in the future we could do (he did too though). The reason I am wondering all of this is because in the past I have been accused by other guys of rushing things. Maybe I did rush it by saying I really wanted him to kiss me and I can't wait until we make love (he's very serious about sex being in a very serious relationship). He told me to slow down because he's not ready to go there yet. I'll let him make the next move.
Zeegagge Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I have difficulty expressing emotions and feelings. Also, I can be aloof to a girl's needs at times.
RobM Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I get quiet and hide my feelings, I would rather shutup, go away and sulk than argue and work things out. I think I also give up way to easy, like I don't care enough to want to deal with things, I would rather just ignore them and hope they go away.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 In early stages of dating, I'm too sarcastic in joking with a man. In early stages of dating, I talk too openly about the subject of sex. I don't compliment a man frequently enough. I decide what a man is thinking and act based on what I think he is thinking. I choose an inappropriate time to discuss something significant.
sumdude Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Ok I'll bite. Having been pretty thoroughly burned by the ex wife I have trouble trusting women. The makings of a commitment-phobe. Hold too much inside and prefer to avoid conflict. Particularly when she's pi66ing me off I get angry quiet.
Awesome Username Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Great Thread Jersey! I am too nervous and cautious in the first stages of dating, and sometimes expect the worst. I have a lot of trouble with conflict, so I hold things inside and guys wonder what the Hell they did to upset me. I take a VERY long time to warm up to someone intimately, which could be either really good or really bad. Also, I am physically self-concious and am afraid that a guy would secretly want their ex or another woman because I'm not pretty enough for them. I am afraid that if we ever get into a fight, they will hate me and leave me, and never come back. Boy, I'm gonna go buy a tub of ice cream!
Lakeside_runner Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I tend to look too much into the future... Then I end up spoiling girls and the relationship becomes too asymmetric. I just get invested too much into the relationship too fast... I'm not saying that I expect to go exclusive from date #1 but I also don't expect to date someone for months without knowing where this is going (I usually have a good gauge and feeling of people). Regarding the 'looking into the future'-thing... I can't cease the moment and enjoy it but instead of that after a couple of months (say 2-3, too soon?) of being exclusive I tend to picture a future together - then I get hurt.
Satisfaction Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I'm too clingy and trusting and try to play it down by acting aloof. Must give off some crazy mixed signals. But before anyone jumps on me about this I don't play games or cancel plans last min or make sure he does most of the texting or anything like that.
Author Jersey Shortie Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Interesting insights on your own situation JS. For me: I get in self-defense mode too easily. I go from "everything is fine" to "how dare you do this to me" at the drop of a hat and skip the 'I'm sure we can discuss this and find a solution" phase. I also struggle(-am learning how) to establish healthy boundaries in a relationship. I always second guess myself and that probably explains why I lapse into self-defense mode. I let things slide, let things slide, let things slide until bf does pushes something too far (in my book). Thanks Kamille...I think alot of women do that. They let things slide and sort of let it build up until one day they just go off and their bfs are like wtf. I read it in a book that it's pretty common for women to do. I think because women keep score in terms of thinking that eventually he will do something to make up for it and then when he doesn't, it goes to crap. Guys keep score to supposedly but it's more tit for tat. If she does something nice, he will. one for one..while women keep more of a bank reserve. I am too nervous and cautious in the first stages of dating, and sometimes expect the worst. I have a lot of trouble with conflict, so I hold things inside and guys wonder what the Hell they did to upset me. I take a VERY long time to warm up to someone intimately, which could be either really good or really bad. Also, I am physically self-concious and am afraid that a guy would secretly want their ex or another woman because I'm not pretty enough for them. I am afraid that if we ever get into a fight, they will hate me and leave me, and never come back. AwesomeUserName..I am just like that too as far as being nervous and cautious and not always letting guys in. And self concious about my body as well.
Kamille Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Thanks Kamille...I think alot of women do that. They let things slide and sort of let it build up until one day they just go off and their bfs are like wtf. I read it in a book that it's pretty common for women to do. I think because women keep score in terms of thinking that eventually he will do something to make up for it and then when he doesn't, it goes to crap. Guys keep score to supposedly but it's more tit for tat. If she does something nice, he will. one for one..while women keep more of a bank reserve. I agree. It is a form of keeping score and it is unfair to the guys I date. My latest incident with bf is an example of this. It's like I have a negative voice in my head that went: "His work will always be his first priority, never your relationship". I therefor notice all the moments that confirm that thought but neglect to pay attention to all the times when he clearly showed me I was the priority.
Crazy Magnet Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I think looking at our own shortcomings is excellent...but we all need to go a step further and say what we are doing to try to FIX our issues. I don't compliment my BFs enough---so I try to work compliments into my every day life and compliment everybody on something. I can def see an improvement. I have crappy boundaries---I stuck a "Say NO" post it on my mirror. I still hate to say no, but I do more now than I did. I also have grown a pair and refuse to put up with unacceptable behavior from men rather than let them continue to run all over me and violate my boundaries. But that took 2 years of therapy to fix!
paddington bear Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Christ, where would I start? My boundaries are practically non-existent, as in I can at times be a total doormat. I'm swayed too easily, I'm so afraid that I guy that I like won't like me back that I don't flirt with him, compliment him, because I'm always waiting on him to give me the 'I like you signals', which of course, he won't give because I'm sure I come across as not interested, so I shoot myself in the foot over and over. I too just put up with stuff for way too long and then explode when I can take no more, rather than simply dealing with the issue when it's a small one. I tend to slip into comforting mothering-mode far too quickly and easily and then wonder why the guys don't see me as their sexy girlfriend and also means I'll put up with any old crap because the guy has problems and I'm the only one to either fix it or understand it (working on this one, don't think I'll be going down that route again). I hate confrontation and therefore, things fester because I avoid speaking up, and avoiding hearing the bad things about me. I ignore red flags and think that this one will be different.
D-Lish Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I don't talk about my feelings and I hide my emotions in the early stages of dating. As a defense mechanism I mask my feelings by being aloof- which I've been told comes across as being uninterested. I bring my past experiences into my new relationships and as a result, I have an "expect the worst" attitude. I've bolted too many times over a minor red flag. I overcompensate by sabotaging. When I start to like someone, I can feel myself getting angry at them, and that's often when the self sabotaging begins. I can be overly sarcastic. I have trouble apologizing.
OnlyJake Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I'm very aware of what my flaws are, but generally they may or may not cause problems in my romantic relationships with others. I tend to have XYZ happen in a relationship --> relationship ends (I have always ended relationships, to date) --> I (over)analyze exactly what went wrong in the relationship, and what we both contributed to the demise of the relationship/why we weren't able to be successful together --> I do almost everything differently in my next relationship, based on what I concluded in my (over)analyzing state --> relationship ends and the whole process starts all over again. Probably the one thing that is fairly consistent in all my relationships is if the guy does something pretty bad, that I should probably just break up with him over, I tend to give second chances. But then I'll still occasionally get angry over that one offense, but I refuse to EVER bring up past issues that have already been discussed, so I get angry/short, but to him it seems like for no reason...
Author Jersey Shortie Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 I don't talk about my feelings and I hide my emotions in the early stages of dating. As a defense mechanism I mask my feelings by being aloof- which I've been told comes across as being uninterested. I bring my past experiences into my new relationships and as a result, I have an "expect the worst" attitude. I can be overly sarcastic. I am guilty of these as well. But usually if I am wrong, I can apologize for it. Why have not more men answered my questions?
RobM Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Why have not more men answered my questions? Probably because they assume all you will do is argue with them.
sumdude Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I I am guilty of these as well. But usually if I am wrong, I can apologize for it. Why have not more men answered my questions? If a man says something alone in the forest will his woman still think he's wrong anyway?
meerkat stew Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Great thread idea My mistakes: At the beginning, I often rush past the discussion of boundaries and expectations when things get to the exclusivity stage because we are clicking so well, no need for such, right? I do not ask enough of GFs out of being independent and self-sufficient for so long, I don't let them "do for me" enough. I tell them they just have to show up, be themselves and have fun, and don't worry about me, when this seems to make them insecure or unhappy. I need to allow more back and forth "doing for" each other. If they get very emotional, and I think the motivation is trivial, I don't give them enough of a chance to air out their feelings. Sometimes I even shut them down or out. Most people are more emotional than I am, doesn't make them lesser or weak. I am capable of taking politeness and basic courtesy too seriously. I am capable of blowing people off for minor rudeness, writing them off too quickly over thoughtlessness instead of telling them my side and talking about it. I can be snotty about people's lack of smarts or common sense, especially if it inconveniences or costs me. I keep too much score in this regard and anger too easily over dumb things people do that are out of my control. Peace, harmony and lots of quiet time in a relationship are very important to me. Sometimes, due to infatuation, I have remained with a drama or conflict seeking or creating person when I could tell earlier that the basic alignment is incompatible, and should cut those off earlier as opposed to trying to fix things or hope they improve. In these situations, and other real incompatibilities, I need to think with my head more than my heart. I sometimes do "too good a job" in early attraction, and should not take advantage of certain skills prematurely or use them manipulatively. Having partners feel they are in love too fast is not a good outcome because there is no way it is real yet and these relationships implode very quickly when reality sets in.
Author Jersey Shortie Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Shamwow, unless you have anything to add about your own reflection of the issues you contritubate to a relationship, you really shouldn't be lecturing me on mine. But some things, such as porn, hopefully won't rank high up on that list. As for the importance of porn or not, it's clearly important to you. CLEARLY. So why you think it shouldn't it be important to someone else standing on the other side of the spectrum is ridiculous.
Author Jersey Shortie Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 99% of the time I was not the "cause" of any issues in my relationships. Aww, well see, that's your issue. Nope. It is important to YOU. So important that you would rather be single than with a man who "uses" porn. It's not a deal breaker to me - all I want is a semi-attractive, intelligent woman with a good outlook on life. I could care less if she watches porn, used to swing from a pole or have a collection of dildos. So who is the one with the problem again? I absoluetly do have a problem with porn. And it is important to me. But it's just as important to many here that lamenate for their porn use despite their hypocritical prostations that porn is infact not important to them. That's what gets me. So many men want to say that porn isn't important yet many of you defend it and act like you couldn't live without it. You are only fooling yourselves.
carhill Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Wrong: Having an impaired people-picker Underestimating/not understanding the vital importance and aspects of elemental compatibility Poor communication, trending to the emotional Lack of healthy boundaries; being unhealthily 'accepting'.
Kamille Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Would it be possible to keep the porn debates for the porn threads?
Els Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 99% of the time I was not the "cause" of any issues in my relationships. I find it really hilarious how some people can come to a thread about 'Let's confess our wrongs in relationships', and start talking about other peoples' wrongs instead. Anyone who thinks he was not the cause of any of the issues in his relationships, is either pigheadedly obtuse, or has never had any relationships. Pick one. Sorry your thread got derailed, JS. It's a really good one, I'll come back and contribute more when I've time! For now I think my biggest weakness is coming to depend on my partner too much emotionally. I then expect that they should be there when I need them emotionally, come heaven or hell or blizzard. Them being human and with their own needs and emotions, there will inevitably be times when I feel 'let down', because nobody can or should truly be 100% responsible for another's happiness. I'm trying to change it, but it's a long rocky road.
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