scatterd Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 :lmao:I will make this as short as I can.yesterday my husband sneaked down stairs I asked him what he was doing he said you know.I could not say much for my grandson was there.I grabbed the phone and looked up last call the # I did not recognize it.So I asked him who did you just call he said the girl at work which before I was told was a lesbian.I pushed dial he said please don't a few times. I got her on the phone and told every since she has been in the picture our marriage has had problems. she said I have had a hard life so him and i are friends. she said she would be here to explaine.She never showed.He pleaded with me that he was going to do what ever he has to keep me that he has not cheated he has been scared for months about me thinking it and he feels better now.He said I need a friend thats a girl that will listen to me because you don't.He does not talk to me hes mean to me distant you know.Please give me you thoughts I have been depressed for months I cry all the time and my body shakes out of control.I'm a mess we have been married almost 17 years she is the same age as my daughter what should I do? I have lost my dad my mm my aunt and grandprents one after another and hes there for him and she is talking with him about me and stroking his confidence.I feel alone but im glad I have my children and grand children sometimes I feel I have no reason to be here I am so sad.
Spark1111 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Scat I am so sorry for your pain! Look, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. People who are married should not have friends that are NOT friends with their spouse, too. It just sets up a potentially dangerous situation, IMHO. It is heartbreaking to know your spouse is confiding to someone of the opposite sex outside the marriage, whether it is a "friend," or an emotional or physical affair partner. Hiding it is all the worse, because why hide it if "only friends." I've been there. If your husband or his co-worker do not make immediate attempts to "befriend" you and your marriage, well, you have your answer then. What do YOU want to do about your marriage?
Author scatterd Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Thank you for your reply I am so crushed.It seems he thinks he the only one that matters.I feel all of my confidence and happiness is gone.But you are right theirs not enoth room for three of us.THanks:(
mybrowneyedgirl Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 theyre probably not just friends. i know this from experience first hand. xmm & i did everything to convince her of our "friendship" just a cover to keep the A going.
bentnotbroken Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Mr. Messy always made "friends" with his f-buddies. I honestly thought they were friends. I had lots of guy friends, I grew up in a large male dominated family and all the girls were just tomboys. He grew up in a female dominated family. I just figured he was more comfortable with women like I was with men. Big mistake on my part. Don't fall for the "just friends" crap.
seren Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 (edited) Scat, I am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling right now. You and H need to talk and talk and you both should agree that the truth comes out, no matter what it is or how hurtful and if you can, do this in as calm a way as you can (it's hard). Only once you have the truth of it all can you begin to make sense of it all and try to decide what you do next. Then you and H decide what to do next. As for the friend, if she is indeed his friend she will understand when he says that he cannot contact her and needs to support you. If she is OW then he needs to let her know that the A is over. No more lies, for any of you. I am sorry you have had such loss in your life -loss of trust in my H and our marriage, was, in my experience, worse in some ways than the actual loss of a person. It's a long hard road, I hope you have support from someone. x Edited February 9, 2010 by seren typo
skylarblue Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I have mostly male friends. Some are and have always been strictly platonic. For a few friends it did cause problems in their Rs. I did nothing other than have a friendship with them to have the gf suspect that something was going on. In each case, it was as simple as her realizing I was someone he knew for her jealousy/insecurities to take place. I’m not saying that this is the case with your H and I’d be more inclined to say that in most cases they are not “just friends”. I just want to say that I have been on the side where everything was totally innocent. However, I have also been on the side where things were claimed to be a friendship, but was more. When I was spending lots of time at my MM’s job I asked what would he do if his W stopped by (she’d visit him occasionally) while he and I were together. His response “I’m just talking to you. I’ll tell her what’s the big deal. We’re just friends”. I’d think friendship is the #1 story cover-up.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 In each case, it was as simple as her realizing I was someone he knew for her jealousy/insecurities to take place. I’m not saying that this is the case with your H and I’d be more inclined to say that in most cases they are not “just friends”. I don't usually like my H to be friends with women who are okay being the OW to MM. Its not jealousy or insecurities...its called intuition..I can peg women like u.
Author scatterd Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Thanks for the advice I agree.Yesterday I confronted him and told him he has to get rid of her and go on a different shift that this is wrong also I told him we go to IC he said maybe at first I told him fine no working this out I am gone.He said he would do what ever he has to by me to make it right.He still says they are friends I do not beleive he would tell me the truth.Look at my first post it will make it come to more light.We had a real good marriage I thought untill up to then please read and give more thoughts thanks again friends.
mychoo1 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Ive been dealing with this recently. H has this " friend ". Who was always texting him. So I asked him who she is. And he tells me that she's a friend who is left her husband but has a BF and has been coming to him for advice. I let it go until I saw a text from her asking if They were going out later. ( I had been visiting my parents that weekend). Finally I texted her asking who she was and she went nuts on me. Telling me she had no desire to know me. I told H. I didn't appreciate that and didn't want him talking to her anymore. Because if nothing had come out of them talking abou their relationships together yet, it soon would. And why would she attack me like she did? I was civil? She's not his friend, clearly if she goes on the defensive immediatly with me. My husband knows the few male friends I have. They are all his friends as well. So for a while, nothing. And then I saw another text come in from her saying she had something of his and would give it back next time she saw him. I texted her again and asked her when was the last time she saw my H? She must have been drunk because overnigt she sent me something like 16 texts. She was saying that he had told her me moved out and we were no longer together, also he was trying go get more out of her than friendship. Next morning she gave me the opposite story when she was sober. Of course he says. She's nuts and he hasn't talked to her. But feel I know something was up. I just trying to get my head together and figure out how to deal with things
1Angel Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I'm sorry to say this but he's lying. Typical bs explanation about the phone thing.
on1wheel Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I am soooo sorry for your pain right now. I don't have a lot of time, but just wanted to say "there is no such thing as secret friends...secret friends is another way of saying affair". You know this in your heart & so does everyone on here. We are all here for a reason. I wish you all the best. Know that you did nothing to deserve this; it is him that should be ashamed.
dreamingoftigers Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 My father pulled the "just friends" crap with my mother too. He had been sleeping with the girl for four months, you don't have to catch him in the act, you just need to catch him in a lie.
Author scatterd Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 I have got to calm down I am so mad.I keep screaming I am tired of the lies.It seems its been nothing but hurt and drama.My dad died two years ago and then my Aunt in Nov.He has showed no compation Im working on preparing to leave if things do not change I have been good to him he will have a hard time replacing me and he says he does not want to be with out me he loves me.Trust means alot to me how can I trust again?I could feel and tell something was going on I beleive most people can.They may not think so but I have been watching.It just took a while I will still watch.He does not know but tonight Im having him open his email from work if he denys I will really know.He would not let me have his face book password a while ago but figure out how to get in nothing was there then.I need to know how far he has gone so We can heal and try to work it out.I do love him we have had alot of good times and hard to.Pray for us Thank you many many times everyone has been so kind!
Trojan John Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Like a parent dealing with a petulant child, you must be willing to back up you threats with action. Best of luck to you.
Author scatterd Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 What is the best way to con front him with wanting to see his e-mail at work I am afraid he is going to say no.any advice?
Trojan John Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 The best way is to simply ask and state your reasons as to why you want to look at his e-mail. As I mentioned before, you need to take action if you threaten action. I imagine that he will either refuse (expecting that you will do nothing), or agree to show them to you later after he has managed to do a bit of housekeeping. However, I HOPE that he will show you right away, and that there is nothing there. Best
Author scatterd Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Good advice but heres what happened he said he did not know how so he gets on the phone and starts giving his code when he gets off the phone he said thier is no way.He said I have nothing to hide.Well I have a cousin that got him on there.I am calling him to find out if this is true they work different shifts but im sure my cousin might be able to find out a few things..they work different shifts.I have no where to go I have cronic pain from back and have no way to support myself.If I did I would leave what to do.I have been good to him but he has always found something to bitch about.I excepted so much but I never dreamed he had this in him.I consider myself pretty but im too old for this.It has taken months to find out this much.He freaks at the thought of me leaving but I wonder if its a show.Im scared.
Trojan John Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Ah, I expected you to have confronted him while he had the computer in his presence. Him not knowing how is not really a valid excuse, as there is always a way that he can show you. In any case, forget getting e-mail proof now. The question that you need to ask yourself is if you want to continue living with a man that you don't trust. I appreciate the fact that you can't support yourself, but you need to start objectively weighing your options. Probably best now to speak with some close friends or relatives, or seek help through professional counseling.
Author scatterd Posted February 12, 2010 Author Posted February 12, 2010 Thank you I just wish I had a quick way out but I do have a plan.
Trojan John Posted February 16, 2010 Posted February 16, 2010 Great! Make sure that you adhere to it, and that you are constantly thinking about what is best for you.
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