Lakeside_runner Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I am 29. I am intelligent (soon to be a Ph.D in math), VERY active (marathons, triathlons), outgoing, have passions that I pursue (Aikido, cooking) and a lot to offer. I am 'Mr. Charming' and 'a true gentleman' - at least that what all the girls I have been dating claimed (I am the kind of guy who pulls out a chair for a lady in the restaurant, opens doors for her, helps her with her coat - well European drill etc.). I can keep up a conversation and am game for a lot of things! I am not misshaped in any way, I even have been told by several people that I am attractive. I have some level of confidence. I don't expect a girl to be perfect, I am not really picky but I am not dating every girl that I think may be interested - the interest and attraction has to be mutual. So... somebody who's a good match will come along, right? But... when I'm in a coffee shop and there is this cute girl that I'd be interested in, what goes through my head is: "If you walk up to her and start chatting - she's going to be like - Leave me alone you creep!" Why is that?
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Fear of rejection? Could be It's a simple explanation... I guess I could deal with "I'm sorry, I'm busy..." or "I'm waiting for someone...". But all the time I think of this "Leave me alone you creep!" The only time I've done something comparable was last Fall. There was a girl on the bus stop I kept seeing every morning. I started saying hi. Then after some time (couple of days) she said hi first. Then we talked on the bus stop and on the bus - didn't ask her for her number though because I thought that I'll see her some other time. Well, she disappeared! I don't think it was since as it turned out she was a friend of a friend of mine and she expressed interest in me so I think she had just a lot going on at that time (she was a 1st year law school student)... So maybe I should try it more often
SilkRose Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Fear of rejection? Exactly. If you approach a woman in a respectful and polite way...who knows she might be single and may be interested. The funny thing is I don't like to be approached in stores, mainly because I'm celibate at the moment, lol. But if a man was polite and nice about it, I'd just say 'no' in a polite way. Plenty of women are not celibate and would like to get to know someone who has your qualities. It's nice that's you are nervous, it shows that you aren't bossy or arrogant. You sound like a nice guy (which is great!) all you need is a bit of confidence and to approach the right woman. You won't know unless you try.
SilkRose Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Could be It's a simple explanation... I guess I could deal with "I'm sorry, I'm busy..." or "I'm waiting for someone...". But all the time I think of this "Leave me alone you creep!" The only time I've done something comparable was last Fall. There was a girl on the bus stop I kept seeing every morning. I started saying hi. Then after some time (couple of days) she said hi first. Then we talked on the bus stop and on the bus - didn't ask her for her number though because I thought that I'll see her some other time. Well, she disappeared! I don't think it was since as it turned out she was a friend of a friend of mine and she expressed interest in me so I think she had just a lot going on at that time (she was a 1st year law school student)... So maybe I should try it more often Creeps sneak up on women from behind and follow them, are rude and mean if they are rejected (however politely) and just intimidate women. Sounds like you just want to ask someone out. Oh and first year law is demanding! So you're probs right.
sid3 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 If you think your going to be perceived as creepy, yep you will. You'll give off that vibe, women pick up on it the same way they pick up on confidence.
sullysteve Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 My $0.02: It's fear of rejection due to lack of practice and conditioning. When you first started running, could you even finish the 42km? Probably not. You had to work hard to get yourself to where you are now. And now that marathon isn't so tough is it? Point is, you have to practice approaching women to get over your fear of it. Start with just random women, ones you're not even interested in romantically, and work your way up to women whom you are interested in. I know easier said than done, but hey, I'm the one saying it.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 And now that marathon isn't so tough is it? This just made my day! :lmao: Point is, you have to practice approaching women to get over your fear of it. Start with just random women, ones you're not even interested in romantically, and work your way up to women whom you are interested in. I know easier said than done, but hey, I'm the one saying it. Absolutely right!
Rulebreaker Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I would LOVE to be approached in a coffee shop or something like that. Just be nice, and be prepared for her not to be interested and not to take it personally.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Um, part of my insecurity originates from the fact that I'm a foreigner... English is not my native language. I don't have trouble communicating -otherwise I wouldn't be teaching and would feel miserable here! I do have an accent (well everybody does have some sort of an accent) but people can't pinpoint where I'm from unless I tell them or give them hints. When I let them guess they very often pick an English speaking country which is a huge compliment! I'm very comfortable with people in the US though - pretty much all of my friends are American...
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Reading through this thread, I get the impression that you're not overly comfortable speaking to strangers, especially if they happen to be a woman in your age group. Practice making small talk where ever you go... simple stuff like commenting on the weather or whatever comes to mind, in a relaxed, casual way. Simply put, be friendly and engaging...
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Reading through this thread, I get the impression that you're not overly comfortable speaking to strangers, especially if they happen to be a woman in your age group. Practice making small talk where ever you go... simple stuff like commenting on the weather or whatever comes to mind, in a relaxed, casual way. Simply put, be friendly and engaging... True... especially when they are in my eyes just gorgeous! Once I get a date - I don't have a problem getting it going on. I listen to what the ladies say and pick up on clues what they'd appreciate if I'm interested in her... I'm a classic case of low self-esteem regarding dating, resulting from being picked upon in school
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 (edited) True... especially when they are in my eyes just gorgeous! The trick there is to view them as your little sister... don't drool! (meaning, don't put her on a pedestal) Edited February 9, 2010 by soulm8
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 The trick there is to view them as your little sister... don't drool! Gotta use that the next time. Um, also I think that with the major step up in my life within the next 6 months it will be easier for me to feel comfortable around beautiful girls (I will finally live without a roommate, I will have a car etc.) This is what grad school does to you: it makes you feel like you're not good enough. Do not go to grad school!!! Also: Ladies - any comments about dating an European in the US?
bananaboat11 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Wow... I am looking in a mirror. I'm working for my PhD in Kinesiology (Carbohydrate Metabolism w/ respects to Type II Diabetes)... very active (certified personal trainer and dedicated gym rat ie 6'1" 190 lbs w/ a 9%bf). I'm told over and over I'm an amazing guy and very handsome/attractive. A really, really hot female friend of mine told me that if I weren't the way I was physically.. she probably wouldn't hang out with me. Really helps my ego (after my recent catastrophic breakup).. she is a charming girl, still I can usually carry/strike up a good conversation as I'm told I'm very outgoing, etc, etc and can motivate those around me... ie - you have to be like we are to be in research... it's a dog eat dog game. Alpha males galore... I swear.. I bash heads with department members allll the time, but it's a friendly head on collision I have the SAME fear as you. WTF.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 (edited) WOW! It's so nice (in a good way) to see that somebody else has the same issues!!! Yeah... I don't know! Exactly WTF! We're young successful, have good outlooks for the future... Um, maybe we should just ditch the fears and go for it? Do small talk with as many girls as possible? I don't know... I'm really starting to think that it's a numbers game... Oh, and it's not a confidence question - I'm confident around girls whom I wouldn't potentially date. You're a native speaker though, right? This is probably a totally different story then Edited February 9, 2010 by Lakeside_runner
counterman Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Yeah, that's the thing. Just ditch the fear and just talk, as you would normally talk to other girls whom you are not interested in. You guys seem pretty well off. All you need to do is just talk to them.
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 The only appropriate thing to say now is: MISERY LOVES COMPANY
bananaboat11 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 WOW! It's so nice (in a good way) to see that somebody else has the same issues!!! Yeah... I don't know! Exactly WTF! We're young successful, have good outlooks for the future... Um, maybe we should just ditch the fears and go for it? Do small talk with as many girls as possible? I don't know... I'm really starting to think that it's a numbers game... Oh, and it's not a confidence question - I'm confident around girls whom I wouldn't potentially date. You're a native speaker though, right? This is probably a totally different story then I don't understand it... at all. I am just afraid of being called a 'creep' or 'sketchball'.... yet I play out a healthy, mindful conversation in my head. I KNOW what I want to say, but then the fear of her response/s stop me... I don't understand it. I say F it. You and I have a goal now. By the end of the week, we will have spoken to one RANDOM, attractive girl (definition of attractive is arbitrary in this instance) who we see in a NORMAL place.. not a bar, not a club... a coffee shop or bookstore do it. (watch me chicken out)
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 DEAL! Rules: Random attractive girl - has to be somebody whom you haven't met before and don't see on a regular or semi-regular basis; some public place like a coffee shop, bus stop, bookstore, gym. Good idea!
bananaboat11 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 DEAL! Rules: Random attractive girl - has to be somebody whom you haven't met before and don't see on a regular or semi-regular basis; some public place like a coffee shop, bus stop, bookstore, gym. Good idea! I can't do the gym. It's a pet peeve of mine... I hate the tools that BS in the gym with the weights... wear the muscle shirts, puff out their chests and are all scrawny... wear abercrombie and gel their hair... then after hogging the 100 lbs DB's they CAN'T Lift... they walk over to the cardio bunny for a good 40 mins while I'm still waiting for the dumbbells.... yet if I go near the DB's... I get bitched at, "Hey, I'm using those!"...
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 That is so true! Um, I go to the U's RecCenter early in the morning and do my workout with a bunch of ROTC guys... Now on a side note: ROTC guys are pretty fun to watch from the sociological point of view. It is a strictly male dominated group and I believe that after some time they just stop noticing girls around them I'm gonna opt for the gym in my case since this would be a good place for me to find my SO in the future - this is exactly the type of girls I'm looking for - work-out-o-holics!!!
bananaboat11 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 That is so true! Um, I go to the U's RecCenter early in the morning and do my workout with a bunch of ROTC guys... Now on a side note: ROTC guys are pretty fun to watch from the sociological point of view. It is a strictly male dominated group and I believe that after some time they just stop noticing girls around them I'm gonna opt for the gym in my case since this would be a good place for me to find my SO in the future - this is exactly the type of girls I'm looking for - work-out-o-holics!!! I'm so with you on that. I want a woman who understands health of mind and health of body. That's VERY important to me...
Author Lakeside_runner Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 I'm so with you on that. I want a woman who understands health of mind and health of body. That's VERY important to me... Also I think that it'd be easier to relate to this type of girls since we share a common interest. Good! I'll post how did it go either tomorrow or on Wednesday. GAME IS ON!
You'reasian Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Women keep their defensive walls up in public places that are not social stomping grounds, especially when alone. The good thing about using a coffee shop is that the caffeine can boost your social energy a bit - and that can fuel a little more excitement in your conversation - hopefully not too much (don't wanna be the "too much coffee guy" ) Change your venue. Use more social stomping grounds and you'll have great success!
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