Ready to be together proper?

[pgummins]

God where do I start.

 

I have worked with a girl for 2 years, there was always an attraction between us both. We kissed at a christmas party 2 years ago and again a year ago. She has a boyfreind, I'm 19 and not very experienced and only recently did I realise how serious and wrong it is to get involved with someone in a relationship.

 

We became closer and closer for the last six months, from meeting for coffee, to going on a weekend away together, to her staying in my house the odd time (parents house, I live at home). I dont know if it makes a difference but we havent had sex, I seem to have a serious mental block because she has a boyfreind. She is mad for sex, she told me a couple of times so its always on her mind.

 

For the last 6 months I have been going out of my ****ing mind, so much so that in November I applied for a counsellor in college. I was depressed, missed deadlines, lost a couple of mates, didn't talk to my family. Why? Because she was with her boyfreind, I had her one minute and not the next, it was an affair. Although she didn't go out to use me, she couldn't help herself, thats what I believe anyway.

 

Somehow, I managed to work up the strength to break it off, about four weeks ago. She broke it off with me couple of months ago for an argument, which was small in hindsight, but I begged, pleaded and was sad. I think I showed myself as weak and pushed her away from me. I put a lot into this relationship, way too much, I reckon I destroyed myself so I could be with her once a week. But me not knowing what she was at, living with her boyfreind was killing me, every single night.

 

 

I broke it off four weeks ago, and ironically she started to beg and plead, and even got abusive. Not the reaction I expected. So I gave in while out on the drink and we decided to meet and dicuss a possible future. We did, and again coming towards the end of our day out I felt depressed, my gut telling me this isnt worked, I'm a second man in her life, so I need to move on. I broke it off again, and initiated no contact. She texts me every single day, telling me she loves me and she didn't realise it while we were together. This has gone on until last night, when she rang me, I answered, she said she just couldn't go on like this, she feels absolutely sick and thinks of my 24/7 (exactly what went on with me for the last 6 months ).

 

Just to let you know, she told me she hasnt had sex with her boyfreind in 4 months, she isnt attracted to him and every time she tries to discuss their relationship and the future it never happens. Its definitely not a normal relationship but I guess she cant exactly eject from it for the following.

 

So I keep telling her its up to her, why?

 

 

 

This isn't ideal, but I love this girl and I need advice on how this could work. At the end of the day she will make it work if she means it, so we'll see what happens. But it seems she just doesn't know what to do.

 

I'll list a important points and try to conclude this.

 

- She is 7 years older than me, I'm 19.

- I do think she loves me

- I love her

- She lives with her 'boyfreind', right beside her places of work.

- I cannot live with the fact that shes in the same house and probably same bed as him while running a secret relationship with me. I hate it.

- She mentions that shes not ready to be analysed, looked at and/or called things while being in a possible relationship with me. She is referring to people who know her and work with her. I think this is all percieved but I haven't told her that.

- She said she would move to Sweden (or some place) tomorrow with me if I wanted to, but no way, I have college etc.

- I don't want to force her, I want her to make the decision not me, what if she isn't happy?

- Ideally she would get a one bed place, but this is costly, what should I do about this practical stuff, I dont have money, Im a student..

- I guess I could ask my parents if she could move into my room? Would that work?(.

 

Am I right in saying all of the bother of the practical side to this should be outweighed by love?

 

Just need some ideas. I love this girl, but I'm not going to make everything happen, she will have to do some things. I told her that I loved her and to go and think, and she said she would.

Edited February 8, 2010 by pgummins

[whichwayisup]

She's living with someone, which is pretty serious. Hate to say it, but there's no way a woman at age 26 or 27 is going to move into a 19 year old's house with parents around, she's been on her own for a while, living a life without her parents around 24/7.

 

This situation has messed you up enough. Time to just tell her how you feel and that you are going to walk away. She has it good, has two men in her life. Why should she give one up?

 

She's told you in her own way that she isn't going to end it with him and be with you.

 

All you can do is detach yourself, focus on your own life, school and other things. What she decides to do is out of your hands.

[pgummins]

Thanks so much for your reply, part of me is moving on, wants to move on, part of me is hoping, but I think I can live with a couple of days of hurt to get real closure.

 

I believe she could settle in perfect in my house. Her childhood was rough enough and my parents would fill a little void there and I really believe she would be happy .

Theres something holding me back though, and I think thats its my personal life coming too close to my family life, I don't think I want to merge them at all.

 

I really think she is willing to end it with him, I really don't think she loves him, its just the practicality of it, she may need a new place etc, that will cost. She would have to make it public, obviously people would be taken aback by the age gap. I couldnt give a ****, but her? Is it worth it? It must be worth it?

 

She is begging me (and this isnt the first time) to tell her, she is pleading for someone to tell her what to do, she can't seem to decide on her own. Should I help her decide? She asked me rent prices ,she asked me what she could do to move in with me. Is this really her talking? Should I help her? I could make it work, should I put the work in?

[whichwayisup]

Thanks so much for your reply, part of me is moving on, wants to move on, part of me is hoping, but I think I can live with a couple of days of hurt to get real closure.

 

You're welcome.

 

You need to get rid of that hope, otherwise you won't be able to move on. Yes, it'll hurt, but better to hurt now rather than a year from now. Imagine having a full on affair with her, letting it get more serious and then having to walk away then? Stay strong..Focus on you now.

 

I believe she could settle in perfect in my house. Her childhood was rough enough and my parents would fill a little void there and I really believe she would be happy .

 

The thing is, she's older, in her mid to late 20's. Once one moves out, and is on their own, making their own decisions, it's really hard to move back, even if it is in YOUR family home.

 

Did she tell you this, or do you think this and are assuming? Sure, it'd be nice to have influences, the help of someone else's parents, but is this what she wants and is willing to do? Have you talked to her about any of this? You two are also in two different places in life.

 

Theres something holding me back though, and I think thats its my personal life coming too close to my family life, I don't think I want to merge them at all.

 

Yup. Also, you and her need to 'date' first before moving in. Right now it would be REALLY UNHEALTHY for her to move out and move in with you so fast. That is, IF she does end it with her boyfriend. Sadly though, how things usually go, she isn't going to end her relationship with him. She's totally OK with having you on the side. You deserve more than being the OM, second fiddle to someone else.

 

I really think she is willing to end it with him, I really don't think she loves him, its just the practicality of it, she may need a new place etc, that will cost. She would have to make it public, obviously people would be taken aback by the age gap. I couldnt give a ****, but her? Is it worth it? It must be worth it?

 

Again, has she told you this, or implied any of this? Or is this just assuming?

 

Keep in mind, this woman is LYING to her boyfriend, deceiving him, so chances are she's exaggerating how things are between them to you, omitting truths and making it seem like things are worse than they really are.

 

It wouldn't be so much the age gap at first, more like she left him to be with you. and then the age thing.. If she were single, age wouldn't have to be a huge factor. The factor here is her boyfriend, she's living with him and that's not going to change, even if you want it to.

 

She is begging me (and this isnt the first time) to tell her, she is pleading for someone to tell her what to do, she can't seem to decide on her own. Should I help her decide? She asked me rent prices ,she asked me what she could do to move in with me. Is this really her talking? Should I help her? I could make it work, should I put the work in?

 

NO, she's a grown woman! She has to decide for herself what she wants. She needs to end her R or fix it, not start something else with someone else on the side. How honest is that? Could you ever really 'trust' her? She's cheating on her current bf with you...She could cheat on YOU someday as well. It's not an honest start to a relationship.

 

I say back off, let her figure things out. If/when the timing is better and she's free, then date her, until then don't be the OM. She's an adult and needs to make her own choices on her own.

[pgummins]

Thanks again for your reply and I agree 100% with what you have said. The main thing for me is what you said was ''UNHEALTHY''. That would always be on my mind.

Regardless of what feelings I have for her, she needs to be single first. I will nto settle for less, can't let it happen.

 

I will admit I feel **** at the moment, not sure why that is... could be the hope **** again. I'll be fine. New day tomorrow (back to college) and hope it'll be ok.

[pgummins]

One thing on my mind and I hate to admit this but its reality. She is going absolutely mad without me, without what we were etc. She seems depressed, sick, tired and all of that.

 

Will she make a right decision while feeling like this? I'm giving her space and that, but... will the fact that she is suffering blur her ability to make rational decisions? Or would it be pure bliss if she did move out and we could date?

[Confused4Now]

One thing on my mind and I hate to admit this but its reality. She is going absolutely mad without me, without what we were etc. She seems depressed, sick, tired and all of that.

 

Will she make a right decision while feeling like this? I'm giving her space and that, but... will the fact that she is suffering blur her ability to make rational decisions? Or would it be pure bliss if she did move out and we could date?

hahahaahaha I guess not enough to do anything about it. She's in a fantasy world or fog. ONLY she can figure out what she wants and you being by her side will only keep her world status quo. A healthy person will leave one situation first before jumping into another one. Good luck with this and be strong. Establish your boundaries now....or you'll be back here 2 years from now saying the same things.

[pgummins]

You're dead right man, thanks very much all. I've been reading for all this time, and only now am I posting Thanks so much.

[fooled once]

God where do I start.

 

I have worked with a girl for 2 years, there was always an attraction between us both. We kissed at a christmas party 2 years ago and again a year ago. She has a boyfreind, I'm 19 and not very experienced and only recently did I realise how serious and wrong it is to get involved with someone in a relationship.

 

We became closer and closer for the last six months, from meeting for coffee, to going on a weekend away together, to her staying in my house the odd time (parents house, I live at home). I dont know if it makes a difference but we havent had sex, I seem to have a serious mental block because she has a boyfreind. She is mad for sex, she told me a couple of times so its always on her mind.

 

For the last 6 months I have been going out of my ****ing mind, so much so that in November I applied for a counsellor in college. I was depressed, missed deadlines, lost a couple of mates, didn't talk to my family. Why? Because she was with her boyfreind, I had her one minute and not the next, it was an affair. Although she didn't go out to use me, she couldn't help herself, thats what I believe anyway.

 

Somehow, I managed to work up the strength to break it off, about four weeks ago. She broke it off with me couple of months ago for an argument, which was small in hindsight, but I begged, pleaded and was sad. I think I showed myself as weak and pushed her away from me. I put a lot into this relationship, way too much, I reckon I destroyed myself so I could be with her once a week. But me not knowing what she was at, living with her boyfreind was killing me, every single night.

 

 

I broke it off four weeks ago, and ironically she started to beg and plead, and even got abusive. Not the reaction I expected. So I gave in while out on the drink and we decided to meet and dicuss a possible future. We did, and again coming towards the end of our day out I felt depressed, my gut telling me this isnt worked, I'm a second man in her life, so I need to move on. I broke it off again, and initiated no contact. She texts me every single day, telling me she loves me and she didn't realise it while we were together. This has gone on until last night, when she rang me, I answered, she said she just couldn't go on like this, she feels absolutely sick and thinks of my 24/7 (exactly what went on with me for the last 6 months ).

 

Just to let you know, she told me she hasnt had sex with her boyfreind in 4 months, she isnt attracted to him and every time she tries to discuss their relationship and the future it never happens. Its definitely not a normal relationship but I guess she cant exactly eject from it for the following.

 

So I keep telling her its up to her, why?

 

 

 

This isn't ideal, but I love this girl and I need advice on how this could work. At the end of the day she will make it work if she means it, so we'll see what happens. But it seems she just doesn't know what to do.

 

I'll list a important points and try to conclude this.

 

- She is 7 years older than me, I'm 19.

- I do think she loves me

- I love her

- She lives with her 'boyfreind', right beside her places of work.

- I cannot live with the fact that shes in the same house and probably same bed as him while running a secret relationship with me. I hate it.

- She mentions that shes not ready to be analysed, looked at and/or called things while being in a possible relationship with me. She is referring to people who know her and work with her. I think this is all percieved but I haven't told her that.

- She said she would move to Sweden (or some place) tomorrow with me if I wanted to, but no way, I have college etc.

- I don't want to force her, I want her to make the decision not me, what if she isn't happy?

- Ideally she would get a one bed place, but this is costly, what should I do about this practical stuff, I dont have money, Im a student..

- I guess I could ask my parents if she could move into my room? Would that work?(.

 

Am I right in saying all of the bother of the practical side to this should be outweighed by love?

 

Just need some ideas. I love this girl, but I'm not going to make everything happen, she will have to do some things. I told her that I loved her and to go and think, and she said she would.

 

Move into your room at your parents house? Are you kidding??? As a mother of an almost 21 year old son, no WAY would I let him have his 'girlfriend' move in. NO WAY. Your parents have seen what she has done to you emotionally -- they know she is way too old for you and she is NOT good for you.

 

She has no intention of leaving her boyfriend and she is enjoying the drama and the attention you give her.

 

My advice -- STOP contacting her, stop texting her, stop having her over to your parents house and STOP seeing her.

 

Let her get out of her relationship and then think about pursing one with her.

 

A HUGE concern is her abusive behavior....that won't stop IF you two ever get together.

[pgummins]

Thanks for your post fooledonce.

 

Just to let yous know, I hope my emotions haven't taken over, but I couldn't sleep last night thinking that I hadn't told her my last words.

 

I spoke to a close freind, who is a woman, and she told me go and tell her.

 

Basically I sent her a long email, reminding her of the good times we had, that I think she should be alone regardless of my involvement, and that she doesn't have to be "with me" if she makes that move. I suggested that we just carry on how we have been, spending time together and enjoying it, and if it progresses, then it progresses. I told her if she decides on leaving her boyfreind and making changes I'll be with her every step of the way, and do everything I could do to help her.

 

It was a happy email, and I told her if she decided to stay with him, not to speak to me, contact me or anything, which I said is the only way to handle this.

 

I told her I loved her and felt a bit teary eyed, lol. Thats it.

 

Edit - I told her not to reply to the email unless she had a very specific question on something I said. I told her I wanted to send this because I needed to get it off my chest and for her to just put it in her mind.

 

Immediately after I sent it I thought... what if she thinks im an insurance policy to her obviously ****ty relationship with her boyfreind? But I guess she needs to know I'm there, but obviously not forever.. oh well.

[pgummins]

From reading other threads, I've seen a time limit put on these decisions.

 

Should I be asking for a decision with 24 hours, two days? Would it give me closure?

 

If I'm being stupid come straight out and tell me. I hope I'll be able to move on regardless. I was doing great from the last "break".

[pureinheart]

Oh BTW, welcome to the forum....

 

Being almost 50yrs old...a very young 50 ...lolol....I see all the mistakes I made....although it is my mistakes that have framed my life, and give me the ability to say this:

 

School is a big deal now...when I was young it wasn't. A person could still go sometimes even more that halfway up the ladder, if not all the way (by owning ones own business...(my inlaws proved this point, my ex brother in law cannot even read...he may have learned recently , but as far as I knew he couldn't as his W took care of all business), BUT that is not the way it is now, moreso than not, one needs an education. The "school of hard knocks" just doesn't cut it anymore.

 

You have an ideal opportunity, please do not loose it.

 

If she really cares about you then she will need to put up or shut up , and personally I would throw myself into your school work and put R's to the side for now....I am not saying this because I followed this advice....NO, I was a dumb a** and partied instead. Thank God, God took pity on my sorry a** and I came out ok....and it was only God, trust me.

 

If you can, just go about your business and detach yourself for a time....myself, having been through many R's, I finally got to the point to where I said God, if I have choice between love or money (security), I'll take the money (meaning my own money, financial stability).

 

Many have played games with me, some intentional, some not....still they have yet to pay my bills.....