Hendrik Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 My wife of 16 years has told me she does not love me anymore and she has no romantic feelings for me. I have 3 young girls and i am so scared of loosing my family , She says there is no definate reason for her decision or feelings she just feels that way. Can you still go to councling if someone does not love you what can i do. i realy dont want to loose my family i love them too much and i love my wife very much. i also know she is not having an afair so what is it we have spent years together as husband and wife. I am aslo praying hard to God to help me and her as she has not spiritual guidance. any one please.
carhill Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Hi, and welcome to LS Sorry to hear about your circumstances. Three lovely daughters. That's gotta be tough. We usually get a couple stories like yours every day. You can search for recent threads which might sound similar and read responses... A couple commonalities.... In a large minority, or even majority, of the cases, the husband maintains the wife did not and would not be unfaithful but further investigation reveals a different story. There are various 'methods' of handling this situation; you can decide if one, or none, are appropriate for your circumstances. Your fear of 'losing your family' is valid. In practice, it doesn't have to happen that way, but it can. Are you ready to look in the mirror and take responsibility for your role in the marriage? Lastly, though perhaps it should be firstly, request your wife join you in MC (marriage counseling). If she refuses, go anyway, and then get a referral to a lawyer to be proactive about your legal options. Depending on the underlying issues, if you both are willing (wife isn't now, but that can change), you can build a new and valuable marriage. If one or both of you remains unwilling, then you divorce and co-parent in a healthy way. You'll get more help and support, but seek it out in real life, from friends and family. You're not alone. Hug the girls 1
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 (edited) She says there is no definate reason for her decision or feelings she just feels that way. There is always a reason. She just doesn't want to tell you what it is. Until she is ready to tell you the truth, regardless of whatever that truth may be, your marriage does not have a chance. It sounds like whatever is broken, she not only does not want to tell you what is broken - she doesn't even want to try to fix it. Nearly always, it is because there is someone else involved. i also know she is not having an afair Are you 100% certain? It is not as easy as asking her, and her saying "no I am not having an affair". They all say that. Your marriage has NO chance unless this is ruled out 100%. Edited February 8, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia
soulm8 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I'm sorry to hear this. After my divorce, I read a very interesting book that explained how many women initiate a divorce and will try to prolong the limbo period for the security. It sounds terrible (and can't be easy) but it's in your best interest to ask her when she plans to move out and be independent. For some women, your showing her that you will not tolerate being in limbo can snap her back to reality - especially if the issues contributing to the breakdown are minor. My best advice is for you to think long and hard about who you were when you fell in love. Focus on you and your daughters now. Do not cling to her - give her space and if it's meant to be, she'll miss you and ask for your forgiveness.
Jason T. Nelson Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Hey there Hendrik. Sorry you're going through a tough time. I had the same thing happen to me, where my wife was pretty much over it all, and not wanting to even try to salvage our marriage. One thing is for sure, Soulm8 is right...don't get all clingy and smother her. A lot of times when this happens the husband will begin doing everything he can to save his marriage in desperation, and the only thing that this does is to push her away more. The fact is that if you think back to your marriage over the past few years, you can probably get back to a point where you saw this begin to happen. Of course it's good to know what the problem is but most of the time, by this point, that line of communication just isn't opened unfortunately. Stinks really but it's the truth. What you need to begin to do might sound a little off...but just ignore that feeling. It's time to get a little bit selfish. You have to start fixing the things about your marriage that YOU can control, and that's YOU. I call it the 50% rule...where your 50% is the only part that you have any power over. Take divorce off the table as an option... Take fawning all over your wife off the table... Stop arguing...it will get you nowhere... Stop begging...it will have the opposite affect... And start rebuilding yourself where you need rebuilding. Become the man that you want to be. Focus on your relationship with your kids. Start building that up. Improve on the aspect of yourself that could use some improving... *reduce some stress *get some anger management *figure out who you are *get healthy All of these things will begin to have a cumulative effect on the way she sees you. Just as well, as you react to her differently she'll begin to react to you differently as well. This does NOT guarantee that she'll fall back in "head over heels in love with you again" but it increases the odds. And the fact is that you will pull out of it all a better man, a better father, and a better partner with either your wife or someone else in the future. But for now focus on rebuilding YOU for a while! Hope that helps! Jason 1
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