Anguish of sudden desertion after 28 years

[worldgirl]

About two months ago, just before my birthday, my husband of 28 years came home from a two-month stay at our holiday home in Europe, announced he had been having a seven WEEK affair with a widow 10 years younger than me, and that he had already seen a divorce lawyer. He would never really discuss anything with me or my children of 19 and 24, simply constantly bleating that "I'm in love and everything has changed." It was a fait accompli, and I was disposed of in five minutes. He'd even brought all the clothes I keep at the house home in a plastic bag. Classy guy, eh?

 

After several ghastly days at home in England, where my children fought with him and then stopped speaking to him, he left and went back to our house in Europe. Several months later, he has moved in his new girlfriend, who speaks no English and whom he barely knows. I should explain that he is 62 and I am 55, and we have always had an unusually good relationship, spending loads of time together, and actually enjoying having the house to ourselves more with our children now grown. We were not empty-nesters who were tired of each other - we had some beautiful holidays just as recently as September 2009, shared a lot of cultural interests and he was very affectionate and attentive.

 

Needless to say this sudden desertion, without good reason and without giving me the smallest chance, has tipped me over into prolonged anguish and despair, the likes of which I've never experienced before (and actually, I've been through a lot of problems).

 

Phil (I'll call him, it's an alias) and I had a rather unorthodox relationship, but it worked. Since he was seven years older, he had retired at age 58 and spent a few months every year at our little European house. I was going to join him next October. The problem was, although I took a voluntary layoff about a year ago because of health problems, I could not get free healthcare in other European countries until he turned 63 (complex UK law). I have disabilities so I could not chance that. We had agreed on this, and I have always been partly independent while also being talking constantly on the phone and trusting each other - why not?

 

Nine weeks after the desertion, I have only very briefly talked to Phil on the phone twice - he doesn't answer it, which I assume means he can't defend his very brutal actions. My children are still completely estranged from him and oddly, though he was a very good father, he seems to think it is "inevitable for a while" and considers himself the injured party. He even expects my son, who has a job and lives with me, to pay my expenses!

 

I refused to divorce him for adultery and have used mental cruelty and other behavioural grounds. I would have been perfectly prepared to have worked through this, through extensive counselling, as we have so much going for us. He was my best friend and companion, my constant, whom I trusted so much. This was my undoing - the house in Europe, for convenience as he was there more, is in his name and as a result I would have to go through some very bureaucratic Latin courts for years. It's a 50-50 division, sure, but it can't be done here, I am sure.

 

Therefore I am having to settle for the pathetic lump sum of about 16,000 US, or 11,000 pounds. It took me three weeks to negotiate that by email over Christmas! We don't have a big pot to fight over, can't take the chance of blowing it all on lawyers although I have seen one, and since he was feckless with money and moved jobs a lot, his pension is really too small for anyone to split.

 

So I have lost my dream of living in Europe, have to move to a tiny apartment because I am on disabled benefits and can't get a mortgage, am left alone and struggling. There was one problem he had, but it wasn't insurmountable and my children and I are now on a bombsite.

 

Does this sort of affair usually burn itself out in a few months? I would never take him back after such shocking and serious abuse, but I can't say I don't hope this affair goes up in smoke. He is seriously lying to her too (I've read emails, since I knew his password) and she does not even know he is going through a divorce now or that his children are estranged. He even pretended to be with them in the UK at Christmas while she visited her family in Europe! Did this man lose his mind or is it a slowly developing process? I know the "sudden endings" theory, have read a fair bit about it.

 

By the way, I don't believe divorce is a "opportunity for personal growth" and I should "celebrate my freedom". I think this Western narrative of divorce is an abominable feelgood fantasy. This is just a tragedy and while I can eventually cope, it will take me years to recover. I really did believe in lifelong marriage and it looked as if we had one. A seven-week affair is not a reason to trash that.

[CBIIS1]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I too have lost a partner after a long relationship of 26 years for similar reasons. Its a mid-life thing and for that other person the grass looks greener on the other side no matter what they are told or how you feel. Let him go. Take care of yourself. Greive the loss as you fell you should and move on with your life. Its easy to say this and it feels like it will hurt forever, but trust me, it won't. Everyday will bring less pain and eventually you will feel indifferent to the whole situation. Take 50% of the blame for your marriage falling apart, no more no less. Then take what you have learned and move on. there is a good chance he might not come back and whatever you do don't sit there waiting for him. Do new things, meet new people, get a life for yourself. Have faith in the Supreme, and know you'll be just fine. Your ex may or may not have made a huge mistake. Either way it doesn't matter, you have to look at this change as an opportunity for personal growth. If you decide to look at it as a "glass half empty" scenario, you're in for suffering, totally unnecessary. Oh and above else, rid yourself of all negative feelings, hate, resentment you have for the ex. It doesn't affect him, it only hurts you. Smile, forgive him and above all forget him.

[LisaUk]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I have an inkling of understanding, my ex and I weren't married, but we were together 18 years from age 15. There is a hole, even 11 months on and I agree with you, marriage is for life and it is a tradegy and a total disrespect to wht you shared (I felt we were married, if that makes sense).

 

As hard as it is to hear this, it has happened and the most important thing for you to do right now is to protect yourself legally. I am a law student in the UK, firstly I beleive you do not have to divorce him at all on any grounds if you don't want to, you can counter perition and make him go through a five year seperation.

 

You can apply to the courts under the Matrimonal clauses act for ancillery relief and how the property (I think including the one in his sole name in the EU) is divided is at the descretion of the county court judge.

 

PLEASE I urge you to see a solicitor, if you are on low income you should be able to get legal aid. Start with the Citizins advice bureau for more information or just ring round a few in the yellow pages avertising legal aid avaliable.

 

I'm just at uni right so my info may not be totally correct, but my understanding is that as you are married the court looks to the future (more than the past) as to ascertain what your needs are and how things should be proportioned so they are met. A court will strive to make sure there is a fair division of assets not least to achieve a fair result, but also because they do not want you to be riliant on benefits when your H has a legal obligation to make sure you are financially provided for!

 

Keep posting the people here are great and will get you through the emotional side of this.

 

EDIT PS your H is taking the mickey expecting you to come to a financial agreement with him, that decision is for the judge!

Edited February 9, 2010 by LisaUk

[nobmagnet]

oh my,

 

im kind of lost for words love.

 

Lisa is **** hot what ever she says. Take her advice.

From the minute he left you are entitled to lots of financial help. make sure you do. The department of health and pensions couldnt have given me more help so please do that if you havent already.

 

i cant make you feel better about his affaire but i will say my ex left me after it seems a 3 year affaire( supposed to have only been weeks) any hoo he left in sept and he is now dumped by her.

 

we were together for only 10 years so it by no means an analogy of your commitment to him or he to you but i thought it might just say................i very much doubt it will last.

 

you sound very sorted but please lean on us? RANT, SHOUT dont be too british!!

 

allmy love

 

Nobby xxxxxxx

[hopesndreams]

About two months ago, just before my birthday, my husband of 28 years came home from a two-month stay at our holiday home in Europe, announced he had been having a seven WEEK affair with a widow 10 years younger than me, and that he had already seen a divorce lawyer. He would never really discuss anything with me or my children of 19 and 24, simply constantly bleating that "I'm in love and everything has changed." It was a fait accompli, and I was disposed of in five minutes. He'd even brought all the clothes I keep at the house home in a plastic bag. Classy guy, eh?

 

After several ghastly days at home in England, where my children fought with him and then stopped speaking to him, he left and went back to our house in Europe. Several months later, he has moved in his new girlfriend, who speaks no English and whom he barely knows. I should explain that he is 62 and I am 55, and we have always had an unusually good relationship, spending loads of time together, and actually enjoying having the house to ourselves more with our children now grown. We were not empty-nesters who were tired of each other - we had some beautiful holidays just as recently as September 2009, shared a lot of cultural interests and he was very affectionate and attentive.

 

Needless to say this sudden desertion, without good reason and without giving me the smallest chance, has tipped me over into prolonged anguish and despair, the likes of which I've never experienced before (and actually, I've been through a lot of problems).

 

Phil (I'll call him, it's an alias) and I had a rather unorthodox relationship, but it worked. Since he was seven years older, he had retired at age 58 and spent a few months every year at our little European house. I was going to join him next October. The problem was, although I took a voluntary layoff about a year ago because of health problems, I could not get free healthcare in other European countries until he turned 63 (complex UK law). I have disabilities so I could not chance that. We had agreed on this, and I have always been partly independent while also being talking constantly on the phone and trusting each other - why not?

 

Nine weeks after the desertion, I have only very briefly talked to Phil on the phone twice - he doesn't answer it, which I assume means he can't defend his very brutal actions. My children are still completely estranged from him and oddly, though he was a very good father, he seems to think it is "inevitable for a while" and considers himself the injured party. He even expects my son, who has a job and lives with me, to pay my expenses!

 

I refused to divorce him for adultery and have used mental cruelty and other behavioural grounds. I would have been perfectly prepared to have worked through this, through extensive counselling, as we have so much going for us. He was my best friend and companion, my constant, whom I trusted so much. This was my undoing - the house in Europe, for convenience as he was there more, is in his name and as a result I would have to go through some very bureaucratic Latin courts for years. It's a 50-50 division, sure, but it can't be done here, I am sure.

 

Therefore I am having to settle for the pathetic lump sum of about 16,000 US, or 11,000 pounds. It took me three weeks to negotiate that by email over Christmas! We don't have a big pot to fight over, can't take the chance of blowing it all on lawyers although I have seen one, and since he was feckless with money and moved jobs a lot, his pension is really too small for anyone to split.

 

So I have lost my dream of living in Europe, have to move to a tiny apartment because I am on disabled benefits and can't get a mortgage, am left alone and struggling. There was one problem he had, but it wasn't insurmountable and my children and I are now on a bombsite.

 

Does this sort of affair usually burn itself out in a few months? I would never take him back after such shocking and serious abuse, but I can't say I don't hope this affair goes up in smoke. He is seriously lying to her too (I've read emails, since I knew his password) and she does not even know he is going through a divorce now or that his children are estranged. He even pretended to be with them in the UK at Christmas while she visited her family in Europe! Did this man lose his mind or is it a slowly developing process? I know the "sudden endings" theory, have read a fair bit about it.

 

By the way, I don't believe divorce is a "opportunity for personal growth" and I should "celebrate my freedom". I think this Western narrative of divorce is an abominable feelgood fantasy. This is just a tragedy and while I can eventually cope, it will take me years to recover. I really did believe in lifelong marriage and it looked as if we had one. A seven-week affair is not a reason to trash that.

 

You're a tough cookie with the ability to suss things out. Were you always that way in the 28 years you have been with him?

 

announced he had been having a seven WEEK affair with a widow 10 years younger than me,

 

 

It looks as though he is needed by someone else now. Your self-esteem has risen through the years and he may feel you no longer need him.

 

Get whatever money you can and strike out on your own. Don't hope for his new relationship to go up in smoke (it will), instead, look toward a brighter future without a cheater in it.

[mimidarlin]

By the way, I don't believe divorce is a "opportunity for personal growth" and I should "celebrate my freedom". I think this Western narrative of divorce is an abominable feelgood fantasy. This is just a tragedy and while I can eventually cope, it will take me years to recover. I really did believe in lifelong marriage and it looked as if we had one. A seven-week affair is not a reason to trash that.

 

 

Worldgirl,

Many of us choose to see divorce as an "opportunity for personal growth" because we are forced into the situation. My separation and likely divorce is against my will. I want to work it out. I am willing to work on forgiving him. However, should I beg him to stay? Should I sit around crying over him?

 

The crying will happen but I won't beg him to stay. I love him and I want him but I have to treat myself with respect as well. The concept of self growth is our way of coping and trying to have the best life we can. All we can do is try to move on and take of ourselves and the relationships that we still have in our life.

[LisaUk]

Hi Worldgirl

 

How are you doing today? Haven't seen you post recently?

 

Not to focus on the lagal side of things rather than your emotional side, but I did want to let you know that I spoke to a uni firend today who is also doing post graduate law with me. She has a lot of work experience in family law and I ran your situation past her.

 

I got the length of seperation wrong, it changed recently, if you want to counter claim the divorce she thinks it is 2 years seperation now.

 

Aside form that she thinks I am right in terms of your financial entitlement, her exact works were "her H is taking the **** out of her, he is playing on her vunerable emotional state to get her to settle their property and finances without going to court". When I told her you wanted to avoid solicitor fees, she agreed with me that you should be able to get legal aid, she said "her H just doesn't wnat solicitors involved because he knows he is s*****ing her over and she will be awarded more and what she is entitled to".

 

Could I also ask how old your children are? A court will not generally order a house for sale when minors are living in it, even if they are not his children. My friend tells me that re property and finances even children over 18 will be considered if they are in full time further or higher education.

 

In addition you mentionned that you have disabilities and a court will look at the over all picture when deciding who gets what and whether and how much he should pay you, (I am not sure but I think he can be ordered to pay you an income for the rest of your life?). A court regards any marriage over 10 years as long and the "yardstick" is 50/50, no matter who's name the property is in! In any case he is seriously taking advantage of you and you need to see a solicitor.

 

He has already betrayed you, PLEASE don't allow him to take advantage of your vunerablity now, I know it's hard to fight when you have barely any strength to get throught the day and I also know, somewhere in the back of your mind, you will be trying to not upset him, in case he may want to come back and that tips the balance! However, it is so important that you look after your interests right now, becasue he may not come back and then once this is done there will be no way back finacially.

 

By the way and agreement you made with him already, personally will be set aside by the court, it was given under extreme emotion by you and with very little legal advice.

 

I hope all that made sense and helps.

[worldgirl]

Thanks people, especially LisaUk for your kind and informed advice.

 

We are having a managed online divorce, but early on I saw a lawyer and talked to several others on the phone (I am entitled to legal aid). There are several problems they identified - for one, I was dismayed to learn that legal aid isn't really legal aid. If you recover anything in a divorce proceeding, you have to pay the lawyer her full fees out of it! So it's more like a loan.

 

The legal advice on all sides was that, with a small pot to fight over, we should work it out ourselves. I was told that ancillary relief in the courts goes up to 10 grand and there would be little left then. We had always discussed retirement finances so I had a pretty good idea of what he had - and it's not a lot, since he was feckless with money and job hopped.

 

So Phil doesn't have a large enough pension to be split, I am told, and when a property is outside the UK, unless it is worth megabucks, lawyers tell you to "offset" its value against other assets. My daughter is just finishing uni and my son is 24 and employed, so they don't really come into it.

 

In theory, I know that UK courts have been told that it isn't appropriate for men to leave their wives and just throw them on benefits, especially after long marriages. However, everyone I dealt with legally seems to still think this is fine! It is terribly frustrating - seems that matrimonial asset law is mostly for the more affluent.

 

At least one useful thing is, though our UK house has a mortgage (which I can't afford to keep up long term) it is in my name only. My name is also the only one on the mortgage. So I do have some equity in the UK house, and can use that to move to a (very small) flat.

 

On the European house in his name, the legal advice is that I have to "offset" something against it, because no UK court can force a foreign sale.

 

I don't want him back at all, after such a colossal betrayal I never could chance. However, another problem is that since he is now resident abroad, he could in fact choose to never pay me at all - and there isn't a lot I could do about it, short of going to the country and confronting him. One reason that I have always kept so calm and controlled in negotiations. He doesn't seem that concerned at the moment that our children are estranged, just blithely assumes they will come round, and I suppose is too wrapped up in his girlfriend. This is why I'm going for a quick divorce - before he spends everything on her. He was always very kind and good before this madness, but I cannot believe anything he says now, obviously

 

I have asked for full disclosure on paper of his assets and he is sending that. As I said, we planned a lot in the past few years and I knew where most of the bodies were buried. If, when I see the figures, I am not happy with the wretched 11 grand, I will re-negotiate. But his timing was brilliant - had he been 65, he would have the state pension too, but again I was told that no court divides assets on the strength of future prospects. Had he been younger, he earned a decent salary and I would have got maintenance.

 

Amidst so much grief and trauma, it angers me that, as you can see LisaUK, there is so little I can do about this. Here I am, in the middle of the night because I sleep so badly, writing this. But I have really looked at everything and can't see a way out. I could sue him in the courts, yes, but it would simply mean the money going to lawyers instead of me. Clearly, when he decided to retire early, I should have insisted he mostly stay in the UK until I went with him. Yes, this affair of his will probably burn out. But the unpalatable thing is, it might not - and whatever way, I am on my own.

[curiousnycgirl]

I have nothing to contribute but wanted to say that I've read your posts and cannot imagine what you are going through. The fact that you are holding it all together is quite a testament to your strength and your character.

 

I just wanted to offer my support and admiration. I hope you stick around here.

Edited February 11, 2010 by curiousnycgirl

[Trojan John]

Same here. Nobody should have to go through this, but you're handling it admirably.

 

Cheers

[LisaUk]

Same here. Nobody should have to go through this, but you're handling it admirably.

 

Cheers

 

Ditto.

 

Hi Worldgirl, it seems that you have covered all bases here legally. Now I have more info regarding your financial situation I can see why and how the issues are arising. I am not sure if there is anything you can do to get round these factors (I'm only a student) but I will certainly ask around at uni over the next week or so. My friend is very knowledgable about family law so I will update her and see if she has any suggestions. We also have some tutors that are practicing solicitors and barristers so I will try and see if I can get some more info and see if there is anyway to find a loop hole. Can't promise anything, I'm sorry, I wish there was more I could do, if I was qualified and practicing I'd offer to do your divorce pro bono for you. No one deserves to go through this.

[scatterd]

I dont know what is wrong with peoples morals it seems their is cheaters everywhere including mine we have been married 16 yrs.But if men are good enough for that long.The next time we fall for one it might last long enough

that we wont live to see it.Whats funny is alot of times when their in the real world they find out the one they lasted so long with is the one they should have stayed with.Karma!I love my husband too but this pain sucks.At least you can hold your head high gods with us maybe he does not want us there because he has lessons to learn and we need to be out of the way so we dont endure even worse.It could have been anyone she was just there.Midlife crisis

read about it and these woman are sucking it in.The singles will be ready for

good woman like us right.Pray I am I hope you end up happier as you deserve.Good luck!

[worldgirl]

Thanks so much for your support, Trojan John and curiousnycgirl. And another big thank you to LisaUK - you have been so helpful. I guess as more and more Britons especially buy property abroad, live abroad etc, you will probably be coming up against some of these issues when you become a full-fledged lawyer and take on divorce cases. Please let me know what other legal people say if it's something I haven't heard!

 

As for me, I have learned (and told my daughter) that sadly, in this consumer culture of I-want-the-other-human-product-on-the-shelf, you always have to withhold just a tiny part of trust from even a close and much-loved spouse/partner.

 

Had I done this, my name would be on that foreign deed and at least I would now be in a better position, financially if not emotionally. Money doesn't cure, but it takes the edge off! In the last four years of our marriage I finally took my foot off the pedal, believing that this guy in statement and action was such a prize (OK, he wasn't perfect, but neither am I, and it was pretty good).

 

I've been told by mental health professionals, counsellors etc that this is his personal crisis, it's not really about the marriage, and that he felt he had to get out rather than work on his problem (there was one, not deal-breaking but significant and he would not address it).

 

In that respect, this alleged Helen of Troy (I've never even seen a photo) is really only a sideshow, and oddly I feel little rancour or jealousy towards her.

[tollirary]

As I'm just a week into dealing with my partner's revelation, I'm scouring the web looking for --- consolation, advice, a place to vent, an answer, ANYTHING short of sitting here sobbing, questioning myself, and teetering between anger and loss.

So, Worldgirl and threads really caught my attention, and I had to join so I could throw some of my woes out there as well. I'm so sympathetic to those who are reaching out and trying to cope with their loss. Relationship changes must be the most frustrating thing we EVER deal with - how can you get into someone else's mind and know what they're thinking when they've pulled the rug out from under you. (My mental image is figuratively trying to claw into his flesh to see if I can't get to the truth!)

My partner (male, gay partnership) of 18 years just announced "we're over" - and "we're not boyfriends anymore" (hmmm, boyfriends after 18 years?). I'm 47, he's 41 - too early for a mid-life crisis, don't you think? This started with a need to "be on my own so I can see that I can take care of myself - I'm too dependent on you." Statements of low self-esteem, lack of self-worth - the good old, it's not you, it's me. After wallowing in this supposed fact for about 6 weeks, he comes to visit and announces the definitive end. 2 days later, he changes his status on facebook from "in a relationship" to "single" - of course, every close friend began calling to see what was going on. Me, I'm still digesting this and thinking this can't really be the end. 2 days after that, an e-mail arrives in our long-time, shared account, advising that someone was posting on facebook that they are in a relationship with my partner. Gee, that was a nice surprise for me to see. I dropped the name on him a few days later and he didn't come clean. The new post remains on facebook, with friends now calling to "see how I am". Jeez. (And by the way, is'nt facebook just a lovely way to share news such as this with your longtime friends?)

As a gay couple in a state with no protective laws, there's nothing "legal" to be determined. No divorce -- no required separation. What's so ironic is we spent the last 18 years working hard to demonstrate our relationship to the world, legally and financially, so every account is shared, our home and mortgage are in both names. He's already swept away half our savings without my awareness - who knows what he might do on our home. By law, he's entitled to half, though I have always paid the mortgage (in an effort to subsidize his affinity for new cars!).

He claims he's seeing a therapist - the therapist and his physician diagnosed him with severe depression and prescribed anti-depressants. He stopped taking them 2 weeks after starting. I continue to believe he is not himself and is suffering from depression - but I know that's a self-serving opinion and is potential denial on my part of his true desire to move on with someone else.

He tells me hearing that someone cares about him (whether it be me or his sister) makes him cringe inside - that he's not worthy. That sounds like depression - but maybe it's guilt? He has pushed away those who love and care about him and found a young group of new friends who are, in all likelihood, taking advantage of him. He lost 30 pounds (was about 190) in a matter of weeks. He's called me from the highway at 3am, extremely intoxicated and driving home from his new hangouts. Extremely uncharacteristic behaviour. Are these hallmarks of depression? (He did claim suicidal thoughts when this all began.)

I still want him back and still am consumed by thoughts of him every waking moment. I know it is still early - and there are still unanswered questions about his status - and for these reasons I don't yet want to give up. But, as so many of you have pointed out, that sensation of "begging" is not very rewarding to your psyche!

Ours was a very close relationship - spent all of our available time together and truly enjoyed each other's company. Things had been stressful the last 6-8 months, but I don't see this as a reason to throw away our lengthy investment in each other.

Thanks for letting me vent a bit - don't know what I might truly be wanting to accomplish here, but I do feel better sensing that I'm talking to those who've shared this pain.

[LisaUk]

Hi wordgirl, still asking around, have not forgeotten you will keep you updated. Hope you are coping well, I know how hard it is in the early days.

 

Tollirary, I know how you feel, I was with my ex 18 years also, he left me a few weeks after we "finally" set the date to marry. Just one thing, please see a lawyer, (sorry people I know I am all about the legals, it's the studying law at the mo, I see all the legals in everthing now), I am studying English law but certainly here, your interests would be regulated by trust law as a cohabiting couple. Not sure about the US, possibly unjust enrichment for you paying the mortgage to subsidise his cars? Please I urge you to just get a consultation to find out your rights.

Stay strong, we are listening, you may want to start your own thread so people can read your story and offer you their support, couldn't have gotten this far (11 months) without the people here.

Sorry so brief, it's 12.30 am here and I am very very tired tonight. Take care, both of you.

[worldgirl]

Tolliray, I am so sorry you are going through this. I particularly related to your comment "Ours was a very close relationship - spent all of our available time together and truly enjoyed each other's company." That sounds like me, although sometimes of course he was abroad - but we were always on the phone.

 

I also can understand your being consumed by thoughts of him - so am I, in the case of my husband. The facebook thing is a particularly horrendous example of cruelty. Yet a week is truly no time at all when this has happened to you. I'm hardly a veteran (just about ten weeks now) but it was even worse at the start, unable to eat, even watch a TV show etc, really unable to get out of bed much.

 

Sometimes I don't think we ever learn the answers to these things - either the person is too afraid to explain, hasn't the emotional intelligence to figure it out or just seals themself off. I recognise so many of your emotions, though, and as ghastly as it is, from doing voluntary work myself with bereaved people, I recognise this type of split as in fact a bereavement, only uglier.

 

When you're out of the worst shock, consider seeing a counsellor, therapist etc. While I have talked to many people about this, a counsellor who is trained can often see what went on because they are a detached third party. I have had four sessions already and it has been enlightening.

 

LisaUK, I didn't realise you lost your partner less than a year ago. You must still be working through a lot yourself, after so many years together. It is so good of you to think of others. I want to go back to my voluntary work, but am in no position to help anyone now when I can barely help myself.

[Butterflair]

I am almost 3 months after a 32 year breakup. He didn't leave though, I asked him to go. He was perfectly happy to live with me, have me pay his bills and sleep with her. I was worried about the lack of emotion I had in the beginning but it's catching up to me. I didn't waste time, I got a lawyer, got the separation agreement going and now it's done and signed. Can't divorce until Nov.

 

Worldgirl, I so understand after a long term marriage. Everything is feeling different and strange, it feels like he should be here with me and yet he's not. I wonder what happened to the man I knew, he's not that man now. My sons are confused and not one person can understand. It's scary but one day at a time. All we can do is focus on us for now.

[worldgirl]

Butterflair, when you said you asked him to go, had this been going on in a negative vein for a long time, or was it relatively recent? When did you resolve to ask him to leave? You sound as if you were pretty clear-headed about seeing the lawyer.

 

In my own case, I have a dilemma. Many people say if you split up that "here's your chance to do what you always wanted". Yet, apart from living in a different part of England (near London) there is really nothing I could do that I could not have done while married to him. Going out alone with my friends or on a separate trip, taking up new interests, whatever, it was fine with him. He was also a better housekeeper than me, always did his own laundry, ironing etc.

 

This is why I said, in my first post, that there is no "opportunity" at all in this, simply a challenge to survive. This evening is better, though (I hope it's not because of the red wine!). But you are right, it is strange, bizarre more like in my case.

[Blindgirl]

Hi Worldgirl, being disable myself I can understand the extra burden you are under. Although I chose to leave and my marriage was not as long as yours, I understand the added difficulty of beng disabled. Although your children are there for you as they should be, take over as much as you can of your life, it is empowering to find that you can take care of yourself no matter what. This may be the lisson in all of this. Each obstacle you overcome, take it as a badge of honor in supporting yourself.

 

Trust is an interesting concept to me. In my case I made sure I could take care of myself financially if something happened to my husband because life has no guarantees, people change and I have discovered that men make "stupid choices" sometimes.

 

If you can step out of the emotion when you are making decisions with regards to the settlement, you will have a clearer head and see things from a different perspective. Have your emotions and experience them, but try to turn them down when you are making choices for the practical things in your life. You know your needs more than anyone else in this world, make your choices based on what you need.

 

When you look to the future, plan a life that supports you and what you will need to handle your disabilities and live your life. Your emotions will run their course no matter what you do, however, you can support yourself the most by looking at your situation from a practical perspective instead of from all the emotion. Surrpound yourself with people who support your power and not your pain.

[mimidarlin]

It is essential that we try to remove our grief/guilt from our financial decisions in a separation and/or divorce situation. When I caught my husband cheating and he said he thought he wanted a divorce I was devastated. He was fairly certain that he couldn't develop and emotional connection to me again. I have theories about what made him shut down slowly but he isn't very introspective and he isn't certain why he ended up in this situation. We decided on separating and counseling because we have been married for fifteen years and many things about our relationship have been wonderful.

 

He made it clear that he didn't want a possible divorce to get ugly and expensive. I don't want this either. I made it clear that I didn't plan to try and take more by going into a drawn out divorce but wouldn't screw myself financially either. After discussing a possible settlement it became clear that I would come out very much ahead while it would hurt him financially. Our asset/debt ratio is very clear and we don't have children so the settlement isn't complicated.

 

Though I would like reconciliation I am approaching settlement discussions with a clear head. There have been issues with him dragging his feet on getting tasks done without me reminding him constantly. I've decided that I am not going to play that game. I don't need the anxiety and anger that comes along with reminding him to get stuff done. It has been made clear that when I request he get things done I expect it to be done in a timely manner. From this point on I will give him a deadline and if he becomes difficult and uncooperative then he can deal with the lawyer and I will sue him for the legal fees.

 

I don't know how the process in the US compares to Britain but you should consider having a solicitor request the financial statements on the European property. If he is uncooperative it should be made clear that you can go through a legal process to obtain this information but you will sue him for all legal fees. This may take time and it may seem like a headache you don't want to deal with but think about your financial future. Think about everything you have invested in your marriage and family. You deserve your portion of all the assets. In most U.S. state he would have to buy you out of your half of the property. This might mean selling the property or finding other assets to sign over to you.

 

You deserve your half so fight for it.

[Butterflair]

Butterflair, when you said you asked him to go, had this been going on in a negative vein for a long time, or was it relatively recent? When did you resolve to ask him to leave? You sound as if you were pretty clear-headed about seeing the lawyer.

 

We had been growing apart for awhile but nothing that would warrant a divorce, just doing different things and not spending as much time together. I tracked the affair back to maybe the end of May or early June of last year. I went to help my mother after surgery and was gone for two months, it was during this time that they heated up. I found out about the "friendship" when I got back the end of July. By October I found out enough information to confirm a sexual relationship. I had already told him that I would end the marriage then go through this again. He had another affair over 15 years ago, one that lasted almost 5 years off and on. Something snapped inside me when I knew the truth and I knew it was over.

 

I probably should have gotten angry and yelled but I didn't, I quietly saw a lawyer, got my ducks lined up and asked for a divorce. He didn't cry or blink an eye, just said okay. A man does not walk away from a 32 yr marriage and family for a woman who is like a daughter? No way. Yeah, this girl is half his age and used to date my son. Really messed up.

 

My sister ended a 25 yr marriage last year and she says the first year is the hardest. I hope that by the end of the year of firsts, things will look better.

[Gunny376]

Not to thread jack ~ but @ 53 in my military brain housing group were I to find myself with someone half my age? I'm thinkig she's got "Daddy" if not incest issues?

[Butterflair]

She does have issues, she was in my family for four years, lived with us for about six months. I did care about her like a daughter at the time. Who knows, maybe something went on back then. (7yrs ago)

 

@worldgirl - how are you doing?

[worldgirl]

Hi Butterflair and all - Sorry to have disappeared off the radar for a couple of days. The day after Valentine's was my wedding anniversary (or should have been). Never would I have thought ... fortunately my son and I went to a beautiful orchestra concert and I did not obsess too much.

 

It is now about 10 weeks since 3/12, as I call it - my own personal catastrophe, except I can't do any extraordinary rendition on him! I have had a pretty good day, at least by my current standards, managing to do a few things, even to get on with some writing I have been doing.

 

People in the UK, women anyway, might know the skincare range Protect & Perfect, which has some proof that it helps smooth lines and wrinkles (well, I'm 55, got a few, not that bad though!) I was just thinking of a survival tactic that I started after he had left. I bought a box of the stuff, quite expensive, but I have never done these skin care routines and since then I religiously followed it, come what may. This is not a commercial but so help me, I'm looking better, at least in that respect. I am no high maintenance type (and this isn't cheap) but some of it lasts fairly long and whatever gets me though ... I wondered if anyone else relates to this observation.

 

You mentioned, Butterflair, that your sister said the first year was the hardest. I have heard it can be a month for every year of marriage ... somewhere I read it was 6 months for every year. Hope not, I'd be 70 then!

 

In a change of topic, my husband doesn't answer the phone at our European house to me, has a call display and prefers to email back. This is his way, I suppose, of hiding from the guilt and direct contact with someone he has injured so much. Plus maintaining control over proceedings! Anyway, on Valentine's Day (dire, isn't it?) I had a question on finance I just had to get a quick answer to and was sick of this. So I dialled the 141 to withhold the number and he did answer immediately, which proves my theory. I have only spoken twice before very briefly, and this time I was gratified to feel that I could keep calm and not feel that churned up afterwards.

 

After all, this man has destroyed my future as I knew it - a future of sitting on our roof terrace contemplating the Mediterranean, strolling under palm trees and stopping at tapas bars in the town, some world travel to Japan and especially Latin America, lots more - it was all going to begin this autumn, when I could finally join him there full time.

 

There was almost no sign it wouldn't, too, and yet here I am, after helping fund his early retirement for four years, having done this so some other woman can enjoy it (if she stays that long). Yes, it's one thing to glibly say "move on" but this was a shared life, with a long history, many many fun times, a lot of great plans. It's not very easy to close the box on such a treasure trove of the past and what I always believed (I had no reason not to) was an exciting future.

[silverfish]

I just wanted to say that your story made me so sad, and you write wonderfully.

 

I have used the same skincare range as you since I've been on my own - it is amazing isn't it? One of the upsides for me has been having the time to indulge myself by buying things like that which I didn't bother with before. I think I've bought nearly the whole lot now on the 3 for 2 offer. Another great thing I found is from the Body Shop, it's called Monoi oil, and it makes your skin feel amazing.

 

I've also found going to the gym helps, and most of the people that go are your age or a little older even. Its really sociable, and not at all like I expected.

 

Do you have any rights to claim any of his pension? Also, have you looked into your tax / tax credit situation yet, or though about renting rather than buying (you could get some help there). You could then use the money to travel at some point in the future.