Angry text

[You'reasian]

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I'd have to do a background check on him first to find out where he lives . I know it's north from where I live (same state).

 

Have you sent this kind of angry text to a woman before and still expect her to call you?

 

If we were arguing, it could have happened I suppose?

 

What kind of work does he do again?

[MagnoliaJane]

Gonna start calling you "Hyperbole Jane." Your aggression was in not letting the topic drop, poking the cornered animal with a stick, and that is quintessential female behavior , and both your and his incompetence was continuing to discuss relationship issues via text.

 

I'm more of an Emma Bovary type of woman.

[MagnoliaJane]

If we were arguing, it could have happened I suppose?

 

What kind of work does he do again?

 

Carpenting. Apparently he does not have to work in winter. And he has two phones. I sincerely hope that one is for his carpenting activities.

[carhill]

OK, even though you're a 'senior' (been here longer than me), I'll help....this from our psychologist which I found to be so helpful and true.

 

Set your boundaries with regards to emotional setpoints, communication styles and relationship styles. My stbx and I were amazingly compatible on paper, but these three areas are what broke our marriage apart.

 

If you are open emotionally and value that in a mate, then that is a boundary.

 

If you prefer communicating in person or over the phone, then that is a boundary.

 

If you prefer a balanced progression of a relationship, then that is a boundary.

 

Look at what you posted here in this thread and see what I mean. Think about the points/words/actions which led up to the text 'fight' you posted. You're responsible for your perspective, actions, and words.

 

Obviously, none of this stuff is the oh-ah, erection mounting, vagina wetting stuff of romance, but, if you are looking for a long-term healthy relationship or marriage, I'm just sharing with you what I did wrong (not paying attention to the above) and how dearly it cost me, both emotionally and monetarily.

 

It's up to you how much you want to 'bend' those boundaries to be with this guy. Only you know that differentiation. I was lousy at calculus.

 

Take that FWIW from a blue collar guy with a high school diploma

[You'reasian]

Carpenting. Apparently he does not have to work in winter. And he has two phones. I sincerely hope that one is for his carpenting activities.

 

I don't know much about carpentry - but its possible that one phone is a work phone? Sure, do a background check if you think it'll make you safer.

[MagnoliaJane]

OK, even though you're a 'senior' (been here longer than me), I'll help....this from our psychologist which I found to be so helpful and true.

 

Set your boundaries with regards to emotional setpoints, communication styles and relationship styles. My stbx and I were amazingly compatible on paper, but these three areas are what broke our marriage apart.

 

If you are open emotionally and value that in a mate, then that is a boundary.

 

If you prefer communicating in person or over the phone, then that is a boundary.

 

If you prefer a balanced progression of a relationship, then that is a boundary.

 

Look at what you posted here in this thread and see what I mean. Think about the points/words/actions which led up to the text 'fight' you posted. You're responsible for your perspective, actions, and words.

 

Obviously, none of this stuff is the oh-ah, erection mounting, vagina wetting stuff of romance, but, if you are looking for a long-term healthy relationship or marriage, I'm just sharing with you what I did wrong (not paying attention to the above) and how dearly it cost me, both emotionally and monetarily.

 

It's up to you how much you want to 'bend' those boundaries to be with this guy. Only you know that differentiation. I was lousy at calculus.

 

Take that FWIW from a blue collar guy with a high school diploma

 

This is all very rational information. And you are probably right. The only problem is that I am so damn rational at work already, am a workaholic (I confess), and that if I am going to draw this rational line into my emotional life as well I feel like I am going to be a dominant, controlling, castrating biatch. This spoken very crudely. So I try to thread paths unknown to me instead. Go for the unexpected. And seem to fail miserably.

[btc8]

So, what do you think you'll do differently the next time?

QUOTE]

 

Great question: stay away from carpenters? My mother would love that! She thinks someone with a PhD should only talk to lawyers and brain surgeons. I do not care about someone's profession, even though a little reciting of Frederick Seidel's poetry now and then would be nice .

 

No, honestly. What I would do different is perhaps try to communicate softer? A mea culpa for the fact that I can be defensive and that it shows.

 

As for this guy. I guess it would be best to let it fade away... my own feelings of guilt for helping to mess things up and all.

 

I could tell from your previous posts that you are no doubt a woman scientist (I figured that before the PhD part, mainly from the grant proposal portion, as this is that time of the year for renewals/proposals). Let me just say that I appreciate the fact that you are a woman in science, and as a scientist myself (not a woman, however) that works in a woman's lab that it's incredibly difficult for a woman to work in a field that dominated by men. Especially science.

 

Having that said, it's plainly obvious from the outside looking in that this guy is a total d-bag, and he is only looking to utilize you to his own means. You are an intelligent woman. Don't be stupid. Sometimes real life is not so cut and dry as certain problems in science appear to be--but in this case, it is. You realized that he wanted you on his own terms, and when you called him out on it, he got pissed. He talked about having babies with you. Honestly, that statement has so much wrong with it, I don't even know where to begin. Being a man, and knowing another man said that upon a first few encounters, is clearly indicative of him just wanting to have a f-buddy on the side.

 

Stay away from him.

[meerkat stew]

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I'd have to do a background check on him first to find out where he lives . I know it's north from where I live (same state).

 

Didn't you have the date lady come around in elementary school (the toothbrush lady's cousin) and give you a lecture on this? Were you playing hooky on the "don't get in the car with strangers" day? OK, sorry enough sarcasm.

 

Have you sent this kind of angry text to a woman before and still expect her to call you?

 

Yes, in the past, or the equivalent desperate type of "You mean bitch! See how you abused me! I still want you baby!!" communiques. And have had them coming my way several times. Would say that most of my relationships from 16-28 contained some form of that going one way or the other. It's called "Slap and Tickle" (great Squeeze song about same) for a reason. I don't send such texts any more myself because I am terrified of being made fun of on relationship forums.

 

These days, I don't think I could make my fingers tap out the word "horny" in a text meant to interest a woman in some sort of carnal activity, but that would be a matter of style rather than substantive intent, it's possible to be vividly lewd and get away with it completely if you do it intelligently enough.

 

Had he asked you to arrange a private showing of the Georgia O Keefe original you keep in your bedroom, would you have reacted differently?

[MagnoliaJane]

 

He talked about having babies with you. Honestly, that statement has so much wrong with it, I don't even know where to begin. Being a man, and knowing another man said that upon a first few encounters, is clearly indicative of him just wanting to have a f-buddy on the side.

 

Stay away from him.

 

Interesting. Being a man, could you elaborate more on why that statement has so much wrong in it?

 

Usually the men I meet are baby-phobic.

 

Thanks for the heads up.

[You'reasian]

Interesting. Being a man, could you elaborate more on why that statement has so much wrong in it?

 

Usually the men I meet are baby-phobic.

 

Thanks for the heads up.

 

I don't think its wrong - if this guy's biological clock is ticking?

 

Baby-phobic is more of a sign of a player, I would think. Wants the sex and that's it.

[meerkat stew]

Also don't agree that the baby talk was necessarily such a red flag.

[MagnoliaJane]

Had he asked you to arrange a private showing of the Georgia O Keefe original you keep in your bedroom, would you have reacted differently?

 

Actually I would, yes. Someone I had a thing with two years ago was keen on referring to Last Tango in Paris and I used to call him Marlon. We joked around a lot.

 

He is a great guy, even though he is of the promiscuous kind. Never made any promises he did not intend to keep. We are still friends to date.

[btc8]

I don't think its wrong - if this guy's biological clock is ticking?

 

Baby-phobic is more of a sign of a player, I would think.

 

Guys' biological clock never runs out. Women have a biological clock.

 

To the OP: Let's just assume that he truly does want you to have his babies. After only knowing him for roughly a month-and-a-half, and only being around him for the majority of times to do the deed with him and on his time, I would think that he was more interested in the actual act of making the baby then the steps after the baby's out of the oven--if you get my drift.

[carhill]

This is all very rational information. And you are probably right. The only problem is that I am so damn rational at work already, am a workaholic (I confess), and that if I am going to draw this rational line into my emotional life as well I feel like I am going to be a dominant, controlling, castrating biatch. This spoken very crudely. So I try to thread paths unknown to me instead. Go for the unexpected. And seem to fail miserably.

You'll laugh, but it's all coming from a very atypical emotional man who does much like yourself, working in a very ordered, precise world (the business of machining and engineering) and blends the emotion and rationale to function in relationships (obviously unsuccessfully in my M). You can use the best of all your resources and blend them, within healthy boundaries, to have successful and satisfying relationships.

 

As I move forward dating (I've already started), I'll share what I find out, for better or worse. If I'm wrong about the boundaries and the MC was nuts, I'll gladly share that. So far though, it's helped me through my D in an amicable way, helped me end an unhealthy relationship with someone who's had a hold on me for decades, and made positive steps with a new lady I've met.

 

It sounds to me like you want, like nearly all of us do, an intimate satisfying romantic relationship. It takes *some* work and *some* risk. It shouldn't be overloaded on either of those counts, IMO. TBH, what I'm hearing from you is trying too hard and maybe even going too far out of your comfort zone in the risk area. Well, anyway, something to think about, along with your feelings, while you're away. TBH, since you live alone and he knows where you live, if you aren't behind security, I wouldn't mention how long you'll be gone. Not because of him, but people talk.

 

BTW, after 14 months of MC and another year of practicing the principles, I rarely 'think' about it anymore. It exists now more on a subconscious or emotional level. It becomes part of the 'spidey sense' LS'ers talk about. Everyone is different but that's how it's worked for me. Good luck and safe travels

[You'reasian]

Guys' biological clock never runs out. Women have a biological clock.

 

To the OP: Let's just assume that he truly does want you to have his babies. After only knowing him for roughly a month-and-a-half, and only being around him for the majority of times to do the deed with him and on his time, I would think that he was more interested in the actual act of making the baby then the steps after the baby's out of the oven--if you get my drift.

 

Paternal instincts are kickin' in this guy, me thinks - but you bring up a good point: what would this guy be willing to do inorder to really make a life for a child?

[MagnoliaJane]

Guys' biological clock never runs out. Women have a biological clock.

 

To the OP: Let's just assume that he truly does want you to have his babies. After only knowing him for roughly a month-and-a-half, and only being around him for the majority of times to do the deed with him and on his time, I would think that he was more interested in the actual act of making the baby then the steps after the baby's out of the oven--if you get my drift.

 

Let's say the bigger issue here is that I am not going to have a baby with someone until I see the results of his HIV test.

[You'reasian]

Let's say the bigger issue here is that I am not going to have a baby with someone until I see the results of his HIV test.

 

That's good for unprotected sex, but how about planning for the baby?

 

Parent planning, finances, how to take care of infants, support groups etc.

[greatgirlfriend]

This is why it's so important not to sleep with a guy right away if you want a relationship. Guys just wanting sex disappear pretty fast. He's playing you by trying to make you look like the crazy one. I've been there and can spot a player a mile away. I'd bet he does have a wife or girfriend.

[meerkat stew]

Actually I would, yes. Someone I had a thing with two years ago was keen on referring to Last Tango in Paris and I used to call him Marlon. We joked around a lot.

 

So your quarrel with his approach is more aesthetic than substantive? If that's the case, you have to decide to what extent intellect or rather power of expression is a factor or obstacle in your relationship with this guy... not because he's a carpenter with less education than you, but because he just doesn't know how to approach you in a way you would appreciate.

 

You sound kind of randy and uninhibited really, not at all like the type who would get really bent out of shape at being propositioned, it just seems he isn't doing it the right way, and that's what annoys you. Is this a possibility?

[btc8]

That's good for unprotected sex, but how about planning for the baby?

 

Parent planning, finances, how to take care of infants, support groups etc.

 

HIV can be contracted just as well in protected sex as it can in unprotected sex.

 

And seriously, this guy doesn't want babies. He wants sex. Is everyone bonkers on here or what?

[MagnoliaJane]

Paternal instincts are kickin' in this guy' date=' me thinks - but you bring up a good point: what would this guy be willing to do inorder to really make a life for a child?[/quote']

 

Let's not forget he already has a 4-yr old son.

 

Maternal instincts are kicking in with me. My biological clock is ticking. Plus: after many years of trying to establish a permanent career in science I finally got there. It has taken me a trip through Dante's inferno, but I've made it. I can spend the rest of my life as a researcher in a non-profit and throw in a class here or there of my liking in an Ivy-league school. I can't complain in that area.

 

So now it's a question of whether to pass on my genes or not. Just around that time, Mr. carpenter comes along talking about babies. I am physically attracted to him.

 

My friends say I should either go to the sperm bank or have a child with one of my gay friends.

 

I could also live with the fact of being child-less, if it were to be so.

 

Purely biologically speaking, Mr. carpenter has nice genes It is part of the charm. But yes, couple-wise we are nowhere at this point.

[MagnoliaJane]

HIV can be contracted just as well in protected sex as it can in unprotected sex.

 

And seriously, this guy doesn't want babies. He wants sex. Is everyone bonkers on here or what?

 

Why are you so sure about that?

[btc8]

Why are you so sure about that?

 

About the first statement or the second?

[MagnoliaJane]

So your quarrel with his approach is more aesthetic than substantive? If that's the case, you have to decide to what extent intellect or rather power of expression is a factor or obstacle in your relationship with this guy... not because he's a carpenter with less education than you, but because he just doesn't know how to approach you in a way you would appreciate.

 

You sound kind of randy and uninhibited really, not at all like the type who would get really bent out of shape at being propositioned, it just seems he isn't doing it the right way, and that's what annoys you. Is this a possibility?

 

It's not that I can appreciate a good conversation about sex that I am open to being someone's f**k buddy if there is nothing else to the relationship than that. I do appreciate an honest man, if he has feelings too. The guy I was talking about is a friend - not a word I use lightly either.

[MagnoliaJane]

About the first statement or the second?

 

the second