soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Then why continue to do it? Why not participate in more activities-based groups? Online dating does the work for you - and even then, you can't see, hear, feel the person you are supposed to be interested in. I'm not doing it atm. However, I've dated plenty online. Emails, calls and dates, not to mention time and honesty, generally help in getting to know each other... no website does that FOR you.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 It reads as though you attacked him with the question you asked. You knew you had run out of patience, he must have been like wth, where is this coming from.I agree with STEW, had you had a face to face discussion about your concerns this strife would have been avoided. It doesn't sound like he's a player, more like a guy who's been hurt a time or two and is slow to open up. IDK, I think he sent that last text cause he's angry that he's been accussed of just wanting sex. Just like you think he's only after one thing, he's thinking you were playing some kind of game. The result of two people not communicating face to face. Texting is best left for short messages. sid - texting is his preferred form of communication, not mine (I even told him). The first two weeks I did not respond regularly to his texts (because I am not a texter) and that made him conclude "I did not want to talk to him". So I stepped up and went along with the texting. I did try to ask him a couple of times face to face what is going on in his life. His reaction is to say "he's good" and to start kissing me. Not much of a conversation going on there, isn't it? What kind of game would I have been playing with me saying that he is only after sex? I don't see the game and toy aspect in that.
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 "Open up to you for what? I was nothing to you. You used me for what you wanted. Hope you're happy. I was nothing but a toy and game to you. This is probably what you always do." Did I provoke this? Absolutely NOT! How is asking if you're just a piece of a$$ showing that he was nothing to you? How could he possibly feel used? Did he wine and dine you? Why would he feel like a toy and played? What the hell did you do to him that you probably do all the time? It's scary that any male responding to your thread is encouraging you to apologize and talk to him! Sure, you came across as strong and assertive... oh no! Stand your ground and if he cares... HE'LL apologize.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 It reads as though you attacked him with the question you asked. You knew you had run out of patience, he must have been like wth, where is this coming from.I agree with STEW, had you had a face to face discussion about your concerns this strife would have been avoided. It doesn't sound like he's a player, more like a guy who's been hurt a time or two and is slow to open up. IDK, I think he sent that last text cause he's angry that he's been accussed of just wanting sex. Just like you think he's only after one thing, he's thinking you were playing some kind of game. The result of two people not communicating face to face. Texting is best left for short messages. Sid - Let's assume you are right. Then I wonder if my reply of today is not clear enough about my true intentions and whether it sucks as an approach to reconciliation? I wrote: "Come on. That is not true. I opened the door to my home and my heart to you. And I am not playing any games". I mean, if he is not a player then I'd gladly apologize to him for the way I phrased my words. But if he is only in it for sex then an apology will only enable him to hurt me. I am confused.
meerkat stew Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 But do you really think I deserved that last text? After 5 days of silence? This guy is challenged, extremely so, in the communications department. His last text, despite what it looks like, was him trying to reestablish communications with you while saving face. He had a good intent, just executed it completely incompetently, and likely didn't really mean what he texted, has been bottling awhile since the break. He has some real communication issues, but is not a bad guy based only on what you have posted. Up to you whether you take him at his word, or look through to his true intent. He still feels that you insulted him gravely with the "buying sex" talk. A decent man (I'm not a particularly decent man, but know several of them) can become highly insulted at such comments, and reiterating that his comments were really plain vanilla flirting. C'mon, "I'm really horny?" not exactly Byron, but also not, "W T F*ck?" "Are you wet?" or "I want a wet, pink p*ssy sandwich" which would be the kinds of things I would be texting a woman I had known a couple of months. OK, not exactly like that, but with the same "intent," and hopefully better phrased and more compelling :lmao:
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 sid - texting is his preferred form of communication, not mine (I even told him). The first two weeks I did not respond regularly to his texts (because I am not a texter) and that made him conclude "I did not want to talk to him". So I stepped up and went along with the texting. I did try to ask him a couple of times face to face what is going on in his life. His reaction is to say "he's good" and to start kissing me. Not much of a conversation going on there, isn't it? What kind of game would I have been playing with me saying that he is only after sex? I don't see the game and toy aspect in that. When you're face to face, everything seems fine. Why not set up phone time if you're not a texter?
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Absolutely NOT! How is asking if you're just a piece of a$$ showing that he was nothing to you? How could he possibly feel used? Did he wine and dine you? Why would he feel like a toy and played? What the hell did you do to him that you probably do all the time? It's scary that any male responding to your thread is encouraging you to apologize and talk to him! Sure, you came across as strong and assertive... oh no! Stand your ground and if he cares... HE'LL apologize. No wining and dining. He brought a bottle of red wine once. I made a salad and another time a brunch. No there's absolutely no explanation as to why he would feel used by me. Other than.... (let me think) I did not spent my entire days in the office texting back and forth with him. He doesn't know what I do all the time because he has not been around enough to make accurate observations about my time and life. He knows my appartment, I don't know his. He has given minimal info about his youth but nothing about his present other than that he loves his boy. I can't figure out the nothing either, except for the fact that I don't throw around "I love you's" very easily. I tend to mean what I say. I struggle with being a woman who has to be assertive as a leader in a world full of scientists and a woman who is of the female gender in a relationship. I have to solve problems at work all the time and I'm good at it. I solve them quickly by cutting to the chase. No bull****. So, does that mean that in my personal life I have to go back to being a trembling wallflower or else I am seen as an agressor? I'm really struggling here.
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 So, does that mean that in my personal life I have to go back to being a trembling wallflower or else I am seen as an agressor? I'm really struggling here. Nope! The right Man for YOU will appreciate and adore your honesty and assertiveness. The wannabe's will try to get you to chase them and lower your self esteem in the process.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 This guy is challenged, extremely so, in the communications department. His last text, despite what it looks like, was him trying to reestablish communications with you while saving face. He had a good intent, just executed it completely incompetently, and likely didn't really mean what he texted, has been bottling awhile since the break. He has some real communication issues, but is not a bad guy based only on what you have posted. Up to you whether you take him at his word, or look through to his true intent. He still feels that you insulted him gravely with the "buying sex" talk. A decent man (I'm not a particularly decent man, but know several of them) can become highly insulted at such comments, and reiterating that his comments were really plain vanilla flirting. C'mon, "I'm really horny?" not exactly Byron, but also not, "W T F*ck?" "Are you wet?" or "I want a wet, pink p*ssy sandwich" which would be the kinds of things I would be texting a woman I had known a couple of months. OK, not exactly like that, but with the same "intent," and hopefully better phrased and more compelling :lmao: ---- Meerkat - be careful with poetry! W.H. Auden has a poem that makes your texting look pale in comparison Let me tell you I am not exactly a prude. Steamy texting can be fine and exciting when written by someone you feel comfortable with and who you care for and trust. Perhaps less so steamy texts on Monday mornings when I am writing a grant proposal. That being said, if it's only about sex then it almost equals to "take a ticket and stand in line". I'm not into that. There's plenty enough men ready and willing for a one nighter. It seems like at least three quarters of the city where I live jumps in and out of beds all the time. I go out and sometimes have to keep men off. I don't see the charm in that. I want a man who I can get to know and share something else than sex with. A friend and partner.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Nope! The right Man for YOU will appreciate and adore your honesty and assertiveness. The wannabe's will try to get you to chase them and lower your self esteem in the process. I can only think now that what is assertive for a woman may look dominant or agressive for a man. The female voice that sounds here seems to imply he should apologize, while the male voice that resonates says I should patch things up. Difficult.
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I tend to agree with the male responders. You said he had spent the night with you twice, I took that to mean you were sexually involved.?. Given that, or even if you just slept in the same bed, his "horny" comment did not seem out of line. Did he know what you were dealing with at work at that very moment that made you feel his comment was out of line? If not, you can't really blame him for that. I agree with those who say you attempted to have an "in person" conversation via text. If he was being genuine with you the following would be offensive: "so you are telling me you want me for sex and that's it? Be straight with me please" "look I like that people tell me the things in my face. You are not exactly opening up to me. So I am guessing. It's up to you" "What is going on in your life? Do you live with a woman? Are you just shopping around for sex? Who are you? You know a lot about me, I don't know anything about you" Based on my understanding of text ettiquette, you ended that exchange when you did not respond to his last message. Then, you did not further communicate with him for 5 days. He was probably waiting. I can understand his last text message - it makes sense if he was being genuine all along and feels like you started an argument just to have an excuse to end things. It makes sense that after waiting for 5 days to hear from you, that he would be angry. Also, if he lives with a woman, how was he able to spend the night with you twice. I don't know if he is playing you or not. I could be totally wrong. The thing is you don't know either and now you may never know. `
D-Lish Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I can understand his last text message - it makes sense if he was being genuine all along and feels like you started an argument just to have an excuse to end things It's difficult to discern whether or not someone is being genuine when they are being secretive. According to her, the only thing he's been really honest about is the fact that he isn't ready to be open and honest yet! If I was in a relationship like that, I'd find it confusing and frustrating as well.
meerkat stew Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 So, does that mean that in my personal life I have to go back to being a trembling wallflower or else I am seen as an agressor? I'm really struggling here. Gonna start calling you "Hyperbole Jane." Your aggression was in not letting the topic drop, poking the cornered animal with a stick, and that is quintessential female behavior , and both your and his incompetence was continuing to discuss relationship issues via text. I understand you are merely taking his lead in that, but at some point you just have to say "Pick up the f*cking phone already!" You guys are grown adults. One of you has to pick up the phone and speak to the other unless one or both of you are ready to be done, and it doesn't seem either of you are. And something else, get to know this guy, or tell him rather that you expect to begin to be let into his life if there is going to be any use in continuing to communicate. You don't even know if he's single or not? Would seem desirable to know that before becoming involved with guys going forward.
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 ---- Meerkat - be careful with poetry! W.H. Auden has a poem that makes your texting look pale in comparison Let me tell you I am not exactly a prude. Steamy texting can be fine and exciting when written by someone you feel comfortable with and who you care for and trust. Perhaps less so steamy texts on Monday mornings when I am writing a grant proposal. That being said, if it's only about sex then it almost equals to "take a ticket and stand in line". I'm not into that. There's plenty enough men ready and willing for a one nighter. It seems like at least three quarters of the city where I live jumps in and out of beds all the time. I go out and sometimes have to keep men off. I don't see the charm in that. I want a man who I can get to know and share something else than sex with. A friend and partner. Very refreshing, MJ! Its good hearing your discernment. I'm sure that it shows in your behavior and that your man trusts you alot!
txsilkysmoothe Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 It's difficult to discern whether or not someone is being genuine when they are being secretive. According to her, the only thing he's been really honest about is the fact that he isn't ready to be open and honest yet! If I was in a relationship like that, I'd find it confusing and frustrating as well. They had only known one another for a month.
D-Lish Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 They had only known one another for a month. And not much has changed since then... It's very hard to get into an intimacy groove with someone when they start out a relationship admitting they want to keep you at arms length. Perhaps I missed a post in there though- and he's been more forthcoming since then.
carhill Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 (edited) OP, I'll suggest sticking to your boundaries, especially in the area of communication, and call this carpenter done. I work in the blue collar world and sometimes, a lot of times, men surprise even me (a man) with their perspectives on things, including women and relationships. I see yours and his communication and relationships styles being incompatible at this time. I'm seeing the male POV here but, since the carpenter's and my styles appear to be world's apart, I'm just not feeling much empathy. So, what do you think you'll do differently the next time? It's very hard to get into an intimacy groove with someone when they start out a relationship admitting they want to keep you at arms length I found the part about 'personal issues', 'doesn't have a wife or girlfriend' and 'wants me to have his baby' to be especially poignant, considering his emotional distance. TBH, if a woman came at me with that, I'd catch the tab and be gone so fast she wouldn't see me leave. Edited February 8, 2010 by carhill
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 I really appreciate everyone's input... It makes me think alot about why I am so jumpy about the sexual comments. I guess because in spite of his self-proclaimed good intentions there is not much of a basis to our "being together", I mean other than vague "travel plans" and babies. He knows who I am, where I live, that I live alone, where I travel for work, what I do for work, where my family is. That's a lot of information compared to what I know about him (that he is a carpenter, union and has a son). Does he not have a clue that I would like to know more? Perhaps take me over to his place for a change? O, yes, there were plans to take me out for sushi but that didn't happen because things were so "hectic" and "stressing" in his life (no further explanation). So sushi got aborted and he wanted to make it up to me (which he did by coming over and spending the night with me). Unfortunately, tomorrow I am leaving the country for 24 days. He knows I am traveling but he does not know how long. Should I try to contact him again before I go, to tell him I will be out of touch until the beginning of March or leave it like it is now? Should I take any further action at all?
meerkat stew Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 ---- W.H. Auden has a poem that makes your texting look pale in comparison. Haha, I like Auden too, and assure you that you haven't seen my actual texting. I call text flirtation the 140 digit "digit" for a reason! I don't see the charm in that. I want a man who I can get to know and share something else than sex with. A friend and partner. Well, maybe find out if he wants the same things? He probably does! You don't know him well enough to know what he wants, and if his seduction technique is as bad as his text flirtation, he may actually be forcing his flirtation. Men are told constantly to be more assertive and confident when dealing with women, to lead them and be direct. When we do just that, as we are told by women to behave, suddenly we hear the far off sound of snipping Bobbitt scissors getting closer and closer and louder and louder. Throw the guy a mercy f*ck whydoncha? Blow off some steam, don't take this so seriously. Show up at his house in a trenchcoat with nothing on underneath. (find out if he's single first though). You guys should just truce and try to start over using the phone. If all he wants to talk about is sex then, it will become quickly apparent and you will have your answer.
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 It's up to you. Do you enjoy his company and look forward to getting to know him better? Do you like his style of communication and problem solving?
meerkat stew Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Oh crap, leaving the country for 24 days tomorrow? guess no mercy f for him then. You should call him if you still see this guy as a prospect, don't call if you don't.
mortensorchid Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I would forget about this guy if I were you. Despite his questionable situation (not knowing about these so called personal issues he described and hasn't shared with you yet), he is obviously not going to share this or enough information with you for a reason. He sounds insecure and controlling if you let it go on further.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 So, what do you think you'll do differently the next time? QUOTE] Great question: stay away from carpenters? My mother would love that! She thinks someone with a PhD should only talk to lawyers and brain surgeons. I do not care about someone's profession, even though a little reciting of Frederick Seidel's poetry now and then would be nice . No, honestly. What I would do different is perhaps try to communicate softer? A mea culpa for the fact that I can be defensive and that it shows. As for this guy. I guess it would be best to let it fade away... my own feelings of guilt for helping to mess things up and all.
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 So, what do you think you'll do differently the next time? QUOTE] Great question: stay away from carpenters? My mother would love that! She thinks someone with a PhD should only talk to lawyers and brain surgeons. I do not care about someone's profession, even though a little reciting of Frederick Seidel's poetry now and then would be nice . No, honestly. What I would do different is perhaps try to communicate softer? A mea culpa for the fact that I can be defensive and that it shows. As for this guy. I guess it would be best to let it fade away... my own feelings of guilt for helping to mess things up and all. You've got a PhD? That's great awesome! what area? From the tone of your posts, you sound like an intelligent, loyal kind of woman. I think most men would love this.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Oh crap, leaving the country for 24 days tomorrow? guess no mercy f for him then. You should call him if you still see this guy as a prospect, don't call if you don't. ----- I'd have to do a background check on him first to find out where he lives . I know it's north from where I live (same state). Have you sent this kind of angry text to a woman before and still expect her to call you?
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