MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I met this guy end of December 09. We have been hanging out several times since then and he has spent the nights twice at my place. He initiates most of the contact between us by texting me. I know that he is a carpenter and has a son, and according to his own words he doesn't have a wife or girlfriend. He talks all the time about us going on a trip together and how he wants me to have his baby. But he's pretty closed off about himself. He says there are some "personal issues" and that he "will open up to me some day". So I've given him time and a chance to talk about himself but he doesn't. All of a sudden during a text convo I've had enough of my patience and the conversation went like this. Him: hey u Me: Hey babe! guess what? It all went well [at work] Him: good for u. wow. See. Everything worked out. Me: yes! amazing isn't it? How are u? Him: I'm good Him: my hormones are going crazy. I'm so so horny Him: I'm horny baby Me: Him: what does that mean? Me: I'm smiling Me: so you are telling me you want me for sex and that's it? Be straight with me please Him:You know what? Forget I said anything. Me: you still did not answer my question Him: we went through this already Me: look I like that people tell me the things in my face. You are not exactly opening up to me. So I am guessing. It's up to you Him: what's up to me? what do you want me to say? Me: What is going on in your life? Do you live with a woman? Are you just shopping around for sex? Who are you? You know a lot about me, I don't know anything about you Him: shopping for sex? What the hell are you talking about? Me: trust goes both ways. Don't get mad at me for wanting to be open and honest about things. With me it is "what you see is what you get" Him: What did I do? You are crazy. After that, I did not respond anymore. So yesterday (5 days later, during which there was only silence between us) I received this text from him: "Open up to you for what? I was nothing to you. You used me for what you wanted. Hope you're happy. I was nothing but a toy and game to you. This is probably what you always do." Wow. I did not see this coming at all and it is so totally out of proportion that I can not link it to anything that has been said or done. Yes, I have been guarded. True that he is usually the one who has to keep the contact going. I'm very busy at work too, and I am not a woman to run after a man. But apart from that, I have been always sweet to him. Anyway, I don't understand this at all. Why blow up like that? Did I provoke this?
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 *sigh* I just came out of a similar situation and I urge you to not reply to his email. Men who flip the coin to make you feel bad for respecting yourself are not worth your time. Trust me!! He's bad news. DO NOT reply to him - it's a game to him and yes, all HE wants is sex.
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Excellent questions. Call him or better yet hang out and talk. You ask if he's living with a woman - maybe he'll invite you over. Best way to find out is to see for yourself. We don't know the man you're talking about. Can't say if he just wants sex - but if you know what you want, you can definitely talk to him about that.
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 "Open up to you for what? I was nothing to you. You used me for what you wanted. I was nothing but a toy and game to you. This is probably what you always do." Again... trust your gut PLEASE! He's trying to manipulate you. You've been nothing but honest, open and kind to him... what have you gotten in return?? Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he can play you.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 I still do not understand why he flips the coin if he is the player? What does he gain with making me feel bad? Also, if he's a player he could have just left it at silence, no? Why this kind of reply five days later. I feel like I need to understand this behavior in order to give it a place in my mind and move on.
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 ... he's horny and wants to know if you're still in his harem of lovers. I didn't understand it either, because I'd never experienced it before... but I swear your convos made me instantly think of my player and how he spoke to me.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 I did reply yesterday, 5 hours later. I wrote: Come on. You know that is not true. I opened the door to my home and my heart to you. And I am not playing any games. No word from him.
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Perfect! Leave it at that and he'll have to accept that you're not at his disposal any more.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 soulm8, did the person you were seeing create that kind of drama too?
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 You bet... my dating profile clearly stated I'm not into games... so I suspect I was a challenge. Look, why should you be "punished" for asking for clarification on where you stand by him ignoring you for 5 days? That's manipulative and immature. Cut your losses - he's only going to cause more grief if you allow yourself to play his game.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Hmmm... I met him in real life. Told him that same day that if he was only looking for sex that he should not consider me. His answer: if I was only looking for a piece of a.. then I would not be here. And also: I know that I would fall in love with you but you are a tough woman and would break my heart. If that is the definition of being played, then yes I have been played. I hear you about cutting my losses. I also feel pretty stupid for not figuring this out on my own.
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Live and learn sweetheart! You figured it out quicker than I figured it out for myself and I suffered for it. I was just about to post that after re-reading your thread... I'd almost bet he's married.
kombucha22 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 It sounds alot like me and my ex-b/f lol. Obviously you had a lot of built up emotions and you let things slide for awhile and than all of a sudden you accuse him of using you. So, naturally he gets defensive. BUT, you don't really know that he is using you for sure, its really pretty much all in your head. You need FACTS. and until you see truth in what you think, you probably shouldn't have brought it up that way to him as "shopping for sex." BUT, than he says "Open up to you for what? I was nothing to you. You used me for what you wanted. Hope you're happy. I was nothing but a toy and game to you. This is probably what you always do." He's turning the tables on you and trying to make you feel bad. Now that is a red flag! So, overall I think you should trust your gut instinct! I think you did the right thing to end things with him but maybe should have talked to him differently, that's all i'm saying. I trusted my gut feeling when i was with my ex. I thought there was another woman, and there was. Miles away though. I found it in his emails. So obviously I got the FACTS and brought it up to him and got rid of him!!
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 You bet... my dating profile clearly stated I'm not into games... so I suspect I was a challenge. Look, why should you be "punished" for asking for clarification on where you stand by him ignoring you for 5 days? That's manipulative and immature. Cut your losses - he's only going to cause more grief if you allow yourself to play his game. You know, you probably get exposed to more players from online dating than you do from real life - if you're a part of a social group or something atleast you can get to know a person.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 I wonder if he is still living with the mother of his son. I asked him but he denied it ("no girlfriend, no wife"). Says that he sees his boy "every other day". He wrote me once that he "was looking for a new appartment", yet a few days later he said he had put that "on hold". Going through all the trouble of lying? It seems like a lot of hard work to me, just for getting laid? Also, he's so dead set on wanting a baby with me. Not a smart move if you're still together with a woman, no? It all doesn't make sense to me.
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 You know' date=' you probably get exposed to more players from online dating than you do from real life - if you're a part of a social group or something atleast you can get to know a person.[/quote'] Absolutely!
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Going through all the trouble of lying? It seems like a lot of hard work to me, just for getting laid? Also, he's so dead set on wanting a baby with me. It doesn't make sense, that's why it's best to move on! If he was crazy about you, he'd open up more and not leave you hanging like that for 5 days. My player said stuff about wanting to marry me and have a child with me because I was the girl he wanted to meet his whole life, blah blah blah... funny considering I'm not in any hurry to get remarried and I'd have to be married to even consider having another baby.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Kombucha, maybe the "shopping for sex" wasn't the best way of expressing myself. Even though I asked it as a question but maybe that doesn't make a difference? Is it really that insulting? All I wanted was an honest dialogue, black and white, the "let's put our cards on the table" kind of thing. Life is too short for games. If someone were to as me these questions, I wouldn't get mad. And five days later he's still livid. I would apologize for using the words "shopping for sex", but after his last message he kind of made that very difficult.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 It doesn't make sense, that's why it's best to move on! If he was crazy about you, he'd open up more and not leave you hanging like that for 5 days. My player said stuff about wanting to marry me and have a child with me because I was the girl he wanted to meet his whole life, blah blah blah... funny considering I'm not in any hurry to get remarried and I'd have to be married to even consider having another baby. So how did you find out that he was a player?
soulm8 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 So how did you find out that he was a player? - his actions didn't match his words - he was too mysterious/unwilling to open up - preferred visiting me - often accused/teased me of having a harem of boys - some of the things he said were inconsistent - he could vanish for days to a week at a time without any contact and pick up as if it was the next day - he was very charming even with complete strangers - he tried to change subjects directed at getting to know him better - the focus switched from relationship and getting to know each other to sex only - he was rarely available on my terms; it was always on his schedule - after he "hooked me" his contact was mainly email - I met his girlfriend Just a few.
meerkat stew Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 A man who has not been vulgar or pushy, but has expessed sexual interest in a polite way, does not like to hear things like, "I guess you just want me for sex," which is pure hyperbole, as a response to his flirtation. You and he have known each other a month and a half, and I just don't see anything particularly insulting about what he texted you, pretty tame flirtation actually. Nothing graphic or vulgar. I find how you responded insulting actually, and would not likely have kept as cool a head as your BF did. He should have lit into you. Instead, he maturely tried to change the subject with his, "forget I said anything" text. He seems several times to try to change the subject, yet you won't let him. I'm sure I will be in the minority on this, but that text record shows -you- as the aggressor, all he did was react. And the big elephant in the room is please, if you guys manage to patch things up, talk to each other about relationship issues with voices not keyboards, face to face if possible, at least on the phone. This whole dispute could have been easily avoided. This post looks a lot more vehement than it is intended upon review, which emphasizes the problems with trying to communicate tone and emotion with a keyboard, despite all the smilies to the right. And the bunny
D-Lish Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Men who flip the coin to make you feel bad for respecting yourself are not worth your time. Great post, couldn't agree more. I was thinking the same as I read the initial post.
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Absolutely! Then why continue to do it? Why not participate in more activities-based groups? Online dating does the work for you - and even then, you can't see, hear, feel the person you are supposed to be interested in.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 A man who has not been vulgar or pushy, but has expessed sexual interest in a polite way, does not like to hear things like, "I guess you just want me for sex," which is pure hyperbole, as a response to his flirtation. You and he have known each other a month and a half, and I just don't see anything particularly insulting about what he texted you, pretty tame flirtation actually. Nothing graphic or vulgar. I find how you responded insulting actually, and would not likely have kept as cool a head as your BF did. He should have lit into you. Instead, he maturely tried to change the subject with his, "forget I said anything" text. He seems several times to try to change the subject, yet you won't let him. I'm sure I will be in the minority on this, but that text record shows -you- as the aggressor, all he did was react. And the big elephant in the room is please, if you guys manage to patch things up, talk to each other about relationship issues with voices not keyboards, face to face if possible, at least on the phone. This whole dispute could have been easily avoided. This post looks a lot more vehement than it is intended upon review, which emphasizes the problems with trying to communicate tone and emotion with a keyboard, despite all the smilies to the right. And the bunny I reacted like that because all he can seem to talk about is sex. That in combination with his mysteriousness is a bit too much to take. It was on a Monday at lunch time and I was sitting behind my desk. I am not exactly in a pheromone rush when trying to direct a couple of science projects at the same time. He, on the contrary, is a carpenter covered by union and does not have to work in winter. That being said, I would have apologized for my way of reacting, if he would have told me I had hurt him. I can see the point you make, and I am not that egocentric and selfish that I can't say "I am sorry" to someone. But do you really think I deserved that last text? After 5 days of silence?
sid3 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 It reads as though you attacked him with the question you asked. You knew you had run out of patience, he must have been like wth, where is this coming from.I agree with STEW, had you had a face to face discussion about your concerns this strife would have been avoided. It doesn't sound like he's a player, more like a guy who's been hurt a time or two and is slow to open up. IDK, I think he sent that last text cause he's angry that he's been accussed of just wanting sex. Just like you think he's only after one thing, he's thinking you were playing some kind of game. The result of two people not communicating face to face. Texting is best left for short messages.
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