Michael Daigwood Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Hey everyone. I'm not sure what to do here so I'm looking for some advice. I've been in a relationship with this girl for just over two years now. I love her, just not as in love with her as she is with me. But then again ever since my first real girlfriend I've never been head over heals for a girl. So maybe that's just me. Anyway, I don't make a ton of money. I'm 31 and back living with my mom for a last couple of years after my divorce. Things went bad in my marriage and my credit got messed up. I wasn't able to get into my own place immediately after my ex wife and I separated. I work a full time job on salary, I've been with the company for three and a half years now. I pay child support and health insurance for my son. As well as taxes, retirement fund and everything else. I'm not left with a whole lot in the end. Although I'm doing what I need to do, I still feel like a bit of loser because I'm back living with my mom at my age. Still, I do pay her a couple hundred in rent and she definitely can use it. My dad passed away three years ago and my mom had to go back to work and things have been hard on her. So our situation is more like roommates where we help each other out. My girlfriend is also in a similar situation. After her divorce she has been back living with her mom for the last three or four years. She's also my age. We have a lot of fun together and get along well. But in the two years we've been together she's been through about six jobs. None lasting more than a couple of months. In the two years we've been together she's been unemployed about 75% of the time. Either she's been fired or quit for some reason or another. As a result she's never really been able to pay for anything. I've been the one paying for food, drinks, gifts and whatever else comes up. Over the last couple of years I've probably spent at least a few thousand dollars on her or more. Now I'm not one to keep a tally or anything. I don't mind paying for her here and there or buying her some things. But this is the first relationship I've ever been in where after the first couple of months the girl hasn't started really chipping in. Everyone I've dated previously has had a job. Or if they lost their job they had a new one within a few months. We're just over two years now there doesn't seem to be any sign of improvement with my current girlfriend. Now I know the economy has been bad. One in four people are out of work in this state. So the choice of work is limited and my girlfriend doesn't have any real background or skills or college degree. So I've kept all of that in mind and have been patient. Just today she got scheduled to work an eight hour shift at the fast food restaurant she's been at for the last two months. The first time she's gotten this long of a shift. Up until this point she's been working three hours shifts a couple of days a week. But she's also taking two college classes now. Anyway she was moaning a complaining and told me she was thinking about calling in today because she didn't want to work that long of a shift. I didn't get mad or anything but I told her she should really go in because these are the kind of hours she needs and was asking her boss for. She could really use the money and she doesn't want to lose another job in this economy. I'm just feeling like maybe this isn't going to work out. Eventually I'd like to move out on my own and could really use the help. I'd love if it could be her that I move in with and start a life with. I'm just starting to see that maybe she's not motivated enough to keep a steady job. I really can't afford to keep paying for her and myself and expect to move forward. Problem is, I do love her. We get along well. Although there are a few other issues. For instance she woke up last night at 4AM and started getting dressed. The entire time she was telling me how much of an ********* I was for sleeping with that girl. I've never been unfaithful to her and I don't know where this comes from but this is the third time this has happened. She was dreaming about me being unfaithful. She seems to have this huge paranoia about that. My friends (guys and girls) and my family also don't seem to care for her that much. So that hasn't been much of a help. Which is why I seek outside advice. What should I do? Would I be better off just calling it quits with her? It's hard to give up someone I've been with for two years. I do love her and have fun with her. If she wasn't so moody with people and could keep a steady job things would be great. I just don't know what to do. Sorry for such a wordy post.
St. Nick Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Short reply: break up with her. Your friends and family are seeing things about her that you fail to see. If you're already paying for all her stuff now, and you've only known her two years, think about how much you'll pay for her if you marry her. She's an under-achiever who can't do an 8-hour shift at a fast food joint. She's a committed quitter who shouldn't be fawned on like you're doing to her. From what you've written I get the impression that there is nothing positive about this relationship at all. She may be taking classes, but I wouldn't be surprised if she was the type of person who is only taking classes for the student loan money (trust me, there are a lot of people who do this). The best thing you can do is dump her.
sid3 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 It does sound like your friends and family are seeing things about her that you haven't. I would break up with her, she sounds lazy.
Twenty-ten Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Problem is, I do love her. We get along well. Although there are a few other issues. For instance she woke up last night at 4AM and started getting dressed. The entire time she was telling me how much of an ********* I was for sleeping with that girl. I've never been unfaithful to her and I don't know where this comes from but this is the third time this has happened. She was dreaming about me being unfaithful. She seems to have this huge paranoia about that. My friends (guys and girls) and my family also don't seem to care for her that much. So that hasn't been much of a help. Which is why I seek outside advice. WOAH that's freaky! One question for you Michael D, when you say you love her what is that you love about her?
mem11363 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 If you were this lazy - she would have dumped you long ago.... Hey everyone. I'm not sure what to do here so I'm looking for some advice. I've been in a relationship with this girl for just over two years now. I love her, just not as in love with her as she is with me. But then again ever since my first real girlfriend I've never been head over heals for a girl. So maybe that's just me. Anyway, I don't make a ton of money. I'm 31 and back living with my mom for a last couple of years after my divorce. Things went bad in my marriage and my credit got messed up. I wasn't able to get into my own place immediately after my ex wife and I separated. I work a full time job on salary, I've been with the company for three and a half years now. I pay child support and health insurance for my son. As well as taxes, retirement fund and everything else. I'm not left with a whole lot in the end. Although I'm doing what I need to do, I still feel like a bit of loser because I'm back living with my mom at my age. Still, I do pay her a couple hundred in rent and she definitely can use it. My dad passed away three years ago and my mom had to go back to work and things have been hard on her. So our situation is more like roommates where we help each other out. My girlfriend is also in a similar situation. After her divorce she has been back living with her mom for the last three or four years. She's also my age. We have a lot of fun together and get along well. But in the two years we've been together she's been through about six jobs. None lasting more than a couple of months. In the two years we've been together she's been unemployed about 75% of the time. Either she's been fired or quit for some reason or another. As a result she's never really been able to pay for anything. I've been the one paying for food, drinks, gifts and whatever else comes up. Over the last couple of years I've probably spent at least a few thousand dollars on her or more. Now I'm not one to keep a tally or anything. I don't mind paying for her here and there or buying her some things. But this is the first relationship I've ever been in where after the first couple of months the girl hasn't started really chipping in. Everyone I've dated previously has had a job. Or if they lost their job they had a new one within a few months. We're just over two years now there doesn't seem to be any sign of improvement with my current girlfriend. Now I know the economy has been bad. One in four people are out of work in this state. So the choice of work is limited and my girlfriend doesn't have any real background or skills or college degree. So I've kept all of that in mind and have been patient. Just today she got scheduled to work an eight hour shift at the fast food restaurant she's been at for the last two months. The first time she's gotten this long of a shift. Up until this point she's been working three hours shifts a couple of days a week. But she's also taking two college classes now. Anyway she was moaning a complaining and told me she was thinking about calling in today because she didn't want to work that long of a shift. I didn't get mad or anything but I told her she should really go in because these are the kind of hours she needs and was asking her boss for. She could really use the money and she doesn't want to lose another job in this economy. I'm just feeling like maybe this isn't going to work out. Eventually I'd like to move out on my own and could really use the help. I'd love if it could be her that I move in with and start a life with. I'm just starting to see that maybe she's not motivated enough to keep a steady job. I really can't afford to keep paying for her and myself and expect to move forward. Problem is, I do love her. We get along well. Although there are a few other issues. For instance she woke up last night at 4AM and started getting dressed. The entire time she was telling me how much of an ********* I was for sleeping with that girl. I've never been unfaithful to her and I don't know where this comes from but this is the third time this has happened. She was dreaming about me being unfaithful. She seems to have this huge paranoia about that. My friends (guys and girls) and my family also don't seem to care for her that much. So that hasn't been much of a help. Which is why I seek outside advice. What should I do? Would I be better off just calling it quits with her? It's hard to give up someone I've been with for two years. I do love her and have fun with her. If she wasn't so moody with people and could keep a steady job things would be great. I just don't know what to do. Sorry for such a wordy post.
You'reasian Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 (edited) Well, Michael you're choosing women who are sucking the life out of you, I suppose - not expensive per se. Maybe if you found the right woman, the two of you could save and buy a really nice house in the burbs. That would be cool! Finding someone who shares similar financial goals is a plus. I've been told buying properties can build wealth, same as investing, starting businesses etc. Edited February 7, 2010 by You'reasian
meerkat stew Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 In your situation, since you care for her and it's been two years, you should have a frank talk with her, and tell her that based on financial realities, the only way your relationship is going to have a future is for her to work a full 40 hour work week and to begin shouldering half of the relationship expenses. If after a couple of months, she isn't heading rapidly towards this goal, time for you to consider other options. She may surprise you when given the facts, and may improve. She may also figure that she can continue her lazy ways and find a guy with more cash. Either way, you will have your answer and can move forward.
You'reasian Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 (edited) In your situation, since you care for her and it's been two years, you should have a frank talk with her, and tell her that based on financial realities, the only way your relationship is going to have a future is for her to work a full 40 hour work week and to begin shouldering half of the relationship expenses. If after a couple of months, she isn't heading rapidly towards this goal, time for you to consider other options. She may surprise you when given the facts, and may improve. She may also figure that she can continue her lazy ways and find a guy with more cash. Either way, you will have your answer and can move forward. Finances are a cause of relationship disputes, I think. Perhaps some couple's financial counselling would do the both of them good? Edited February 7, 2010 by You'reasian
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