MellowScout Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 I don't want to go on a long rant here, but I've been reading up on something called "Dumpers Remorse"...I just want to get some opinions. My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago. I did no contact to help myself heal, made the lists, and I've even moved away from our town...I decided to accept the break-up, learn from it, and try to become a more positive person in the future. Not saying that it's all been easy because it hasn't. This person was my best friend, we lived together and were planning a future. Fast forward after 2 months of no contact, he sends me an email asking how I am. I replied with a phone call. And he wanted to talk. We talked earlier this week for about an hour and a half. I'm just not sure that we can be friends yet, or if we can ever be friends. Or if I want to be friends. Or really, what the hell is he doing? People need to stick to their decisions! He wanted to break up...but while on the phone he said he wanted to "figure out if he made the right decision." Which brings me to this lovely thing I've heard of called "Dumpers Remorse or Regret" or whatever. I guess the way that I feel is that he doesn't have any right to try to decide now if he made the right decision, it's something he should have thought about before he said the fatal words...He told me during the break-up that he was being selfish and I agreed. The definition of selfish is: Selfishness denotes the precedence given in thought or deed to the self, i.e., self interest or self concern. It is the act of placing one's own needs or desires above the needs or desires of others. Selfishness is the opposite of altruism (selflessness). So what I don't understand is why "dumpers" feel any regret at all. If they are so sure of the decision (and trust me, when you are on their doorstep begging and crying for another chance they are VERY sure they don't want to be with you!) then why is it AFTER the relationship is over, they try to come back and talk to the person they broke up with? If they feel guilty, maybe it's because they made the wrong decision, right? And that is something that they should have thought of before they did the breaking up. I guess I would like any "dumpers" to try to explain to me that need to NOT be with someone but still want to have any contact after the break-up...or anyone whose ex has started coming back around and not making their motives clear, how did you handle it? Thanks so much.
LostInLimbo Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Hey Mellow, I think its called trying to remain in control (the Dumper) for the Dumpee, its hard, but I always found it easier to be dumped, even though I go through lots of emotions and been the one who has been dumped by the same girl 4 times (Now NC and Healing time for me, just need to stick to that) I just found it easier to cope with as because its now all in there hands, they left, they made a choice, they need to deal with it and there's nothing I can do about it, except heal and move on. Just my own opinion LiL
sean1 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 hello, im a dumpee not a dumper but from everything ive learnt and through experience i mightbe able to enlighten you a lil. basically some dumpers end it because they are unhappy at the time or more through a heat of the moment type thing. they just want space and time to think things through. they are just feeling smothered or unloved and are questioning if you are the one. for a dumper to ask you to be friends your boosting there ego. your basically always going to be there like a safety net. what there saying to you is. i do not want you but i will come back to you if somebody else isnt as good. do you want to be a number 2? many will regret their decision after a while because they miss you. but at the same time you should not take them back unless they are literally at the door begging you. that way the tide has changed and you are then in charge rather than them. at the end of the day. watching sum1 you love, love somebody else is worse than not ever speaking to them again. its up to you which you want all the best for you
jb89 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I'm dealing with a very similar case. When they want to remain friends, or keep in contact, they are used to having you there as their personal support line. If you are there for them when they say they need to talk to you, you're only helping them get over you, by assuring them that you haven't gone anywhere. It's hard, but I'm dealing with it too; you can't give into it.
LostInLimbo Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I'm dealing with a very similar case. When they want to remain friends, or keep in contact, they are used to having you there as their personal support line. If you are there for them when they say they need to talk to you, you're only helping them get over you, by assuring them that you haven't gone anywhere. It's hard, but I'm dealing with it too; you can't give into it. You Hit it right on the head JB, I know of that, first hand experience.. LiL
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