Author EYECANDY000 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Kelly if it was a friend telling me, I would tell her she needs to dump him immediately. And I would be there for her to help her cope. I know I say it but I don't know where to start. He does have the hight respect for me, and I know it. I see the way he reacts to his ex, but ye. And he's never spoken to me like that before. I guess I just don't have all of his respect.
paddington bear Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 ^^^^^ I was going to say the same thing about the controlling thing. The more he treats you as 'stupid' the more nervous you'll be and the more you'll say things that annoy him, thus perpetuating the cycle. You're afraid if you don't change into what he wants you to be that you'll lose him. That's a kind of blackmaily type control that certain people abuse when they know that their other half totally adores them. They know that they can do and say what they like and their other half will still adore them and take any old kind of abuse. But...after a while they really do stop having any kind of respect for you because you keep taking more and more bad behaviour. If you don't draw a halt to this now, it will only get worse, and you may lose him, not because you haven't changed to suit him, but because you've lost his respect. There's two issues here, one your smothering of him, which will drive him away instead of keeping him around. You have to trust that he's yours and that that won't change just because you're not around him all the time. Secondly, as someone else pointed out, you being with him all the time is not going to prevent him contacting his ex, should he decide to do so. You can't control what he does. You have to give people space and you have to give them time to miss you. It could be that your smothering of him is manifesting itself as him being irritated with you over stupid inconsequential stuff. Even if that is not the reason, you need to pull back regardless. If you pull back a bit, the guy will have more respect for you, not less. All that love and attention that he is currently taking for granted won't be there 24/7 on tap, along with you putting up with his temper tantrums and it might make him realise that he can't just treat you any old way and still have you around all the time. Smothering anyone always always drives thenm away instead of pulling them closer. Please stop saying to him when he critisises you 'I'm working on this, I'm trying to change' as if you have a major character flaw and need to change. You don't Stop trying to please him by changing yourself for him. Stop making excuses about your ditziness when he loses his temper at you. Don't immediately say 'oh I'm sorry, I'm so stupid, I'm trying really hard to catch that and pay more attention' - this is where he is controlling, he's controlling your personality as it is in its natural state and making you think there's something wrong with it when there is not. At some point you're going to have to say 'I'm sorry, I tried to change for you, but this is the way I am, if you love me, you love all of me, and this is a part of me that's obviously not going to change. I'm asking you to accept that and stop shouting at me every time you've decided that I'm dumb. I don't see you fretting over the fact that you lose your temper over the tiniest things or trying to change that very bad character flaw about yourself, so please extend the same courtesy to me and allow me to be me, faults and all'. I know you're not going to do this, because you love him, but from what you've said, he is bad news, a controlling person and will totally crush your self-esteem (even further) unless you either stick up for yourself and draw some boundaries with him or leave him.
Kamille Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 I'm glad you bring up these past issues because I browsed your past threads and I was thoroughly confused. Your relationship sounds like a lot of drama EC. Way too much drama. You're allowing him to play tricks on your self-esteem. You're allowing yourself to stay in a relationship where you're constantly feeling vulnerable. You're the one who's going to have to draw the line between what's healthy for you and what's detrimental to your well-being.
paddington bear Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 There are issues in the relationship kamille. But he's always been the type to hold them in and let it build and build and build. I try to resolve them but it says its fine, whatever. And I have to constantly tell him he can't always just sweep problems under the rug. And id rather end on a good note, than him just hating me, and I never know why. One thing about him is that he's all ways been upfront with me. And he admitted that she is the best lover he ever had. And that's the only reason why he says run back to her. Which scares me. Before I met him he told me how She has done some deceitful stuff to him in the past, and he went back. Be broke up in november over an issue which I posted about and since then talked in between time. 2 weeks ago I felt like I needed to stop talking to him completly because I still wanted to be with him, but he was putting me on hold. So I stopped contacting him for 2 long days. Then he called me and said he needed to talk to someone and I went over his house and he asked if I would take him back. And I said yes. That night he stated that he had gotten back with his ex sexually and now she did something that totally was unethical. something to the point where she got the authorities involved. So I'm surprised as to why he keeps running back to her and she does all this crazy stuff and I just have random questions at time. This guy is an *******. Telling you that his ex was the best sex he ever had is NOT being upfront and honest, it's being mean and hurtful towards you, making you feel like a lesser person than his ex, thus throwing you off balance and making you feel so insecure around him. Normal people don't behave like this around their girlfriend. He ran back to her in the 2 days that you didn't contact him? And you got back with him after that? He really has you dangling around on a little string that he's pulling here. Talking to you in such an 'honest and upfront' manner, is basically him using you like a good friend to dump his emotional problems on about his EX when you're supposed to be his girlfriend. Don't give him advice about her, tell him you don't want to hear about his ex. Dump him, right now, whatever the reason, sex or whatever he's still hooked on her and is just keeping you around as a handy person to have sex with while he obsesses over his crazy ex. Grrrr, this guy is making me really angry on your behalf. You deserve way better than this.
You'reasian Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Kelly if it was a friend telling me, I would tell her she needs to dump him immediately. And I would be there for her to help her cope. I know I say it but I don't know where to start. He does have the hight respect for me, and I know it. I see the way he reacts to his ex, but ye. And he's never spoken to me like that before. I guess I just don't have all of his respect. Call the guy. Nix that, see him tonite. Hash it out with him to get answers and either break it up, move on or decide to work on it.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Paddingbear I am going to tell him that . I wrote down some stuff that everyone has said and I plan on addressing the situation with him. I guess you are right. I thought by him telling me and being upfromt was a form of him being open in the relationship and able to tell me any and everything. But I do feel like no matter what I do, no matter how much me are intimate that he would never be appreciative, because he's stuck on his ex. I know he's bad for me. But I keep obseeing about him. Like I said before I was on the verge of letting go completely a month ago. And I lasted the two days and got sucked back into it. Oh and we broke up in november . So from that time til a few weeks ago he was seeing his ex again. Told me they hung out a few times. But since him and I weren't together he felt like he was free to do whatever. Within that time I never dated anyone. Didn't talk to anyone, because my focus was him. I felt like if I didn't want to know whthe answer to something then I shouldn't ask. And that's how I found out they slept together..
paddington bear Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Well Eyecandy, good luck with that and just remember that you might not get the answer you want from him. He may end it with you...but then...he is very likely to do that anyway whether you say something or not due to his issues with his ex, so don't regret anything you say to him. Hope it goes ok.
spiderowl Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I hate to say this but I think it's more than an annoying habit that's bothering him. He seems to be saying he doesn't want to bother coping with it any more. Do you have this problem with others and do they complain about it often? If not, then I think it just happens to irk him and it's not a major deal but there may be other underlying issues and this just happens to be what he's focussing on as the problem. He may just be losing interest. People do, sometimes relationships have a life-cycle. Maybe it's run it's course for him. Of course, it's always possible that it's not your relationship that's the problem but something else in his life that's bothering him and making him vulnerable to perceived criticism, maybe he's depressed. If he's feeling very inadequate and ill-treated by someone, possibly a boss, then your odd comments will seem like rubbing salt in the wound, even though they are not responsible. I think you need to talk to him to find out what's going on underneath all this stuff. It all depends on whether it's stress unrelated to you or whether he's just come to the end of the relationship from his point of view. It's not easy to tell from the outside.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 I will talk to him later on tonight. I wrote down a lot of stuff u guys said that really stuck out. I know I need to be strong and demand what I want or it will never work.
You'reasian Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I will talk to him later on tonight. I wrote down a lot of stuff u guys said that really stuck out. I know I need to be strong and demand what I want or it will never work. Excellent! Good luck, we're rooting for you.
Angel1111 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 You're kidding, right? Again, I'm astounded at the crap women tolerate. This guy has you backpeddling and kissing his a** when you did absolutely nothing. Be very careful - it sounds like he's verbally abusive. Look up the signs on the internet. I'm guessing that's what he is. Btw, if a guy ever tells you that you're normal personality is too much for him to take, you need to end it with him. This was just his way of controlling you even more. And you let him. You need to get out of this relationship, I don't care how much you think you love him. He will ruin you.
meerkat stew Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I agree with the poster who said he has narcissistic personality disorder.
boogieboy Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 He may just be losing interest. People do, sometimes relationships have a life-cycle. Maybe it's run it's course for him. I could be wrong, but this is what I think is going on. He has lost his attraction to you, or is losing his attraction to you. You cant fix that by talking if he doesnt communicate. I think you need to break up now, because he will only get more annoyed, and less attracted and you two will wind up broken up anyway. He will find mor things to be annoyed by you. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of it, but you might be better off apart.
D-Lish Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I'm shocked at what you put up with from this guy! He sounds like an angry, controlling douchebag. Who cares if you ask the odd silly question sometimes, everyone has those kinds of moments.
Twenty-ten Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Your boyfriend sounds like a complete jerk, but unless I missed something, how else would you used a debit card if not by entering a pin?!?! I think the question was a funny one!?!? When do you pump gas on a debit card and not use a pin? Sorry maybe I am just confused...
Twenty-ten Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 There is another example as well, which happened later that night. My friend had joined us for dinner and she trailed us on the expressway , so we could show her what exit to take . I was on the passenger side and my bf was driving. Also it was bad weather , was snowing very bad. It's funny that you said that because I was totally thinking maybe he was just getting frustrated at the gas station because it was really cold out and he just wanted to get in the car and was being impatient with your line of questions. I am only playing devil's advocate to see his side in things, but if he blows up on you frequently he must have anger management issues.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 I'm shocked at what you put up with from this guy! He sounds like an angry, controlling douchebag. Who cares if you ask the odd silly question sometimes, everyone has those kinds of moments. I'm surprised as well. I just don't know how to let go. When we did break up I still kept in contact with him. And we spoke briefly every other day or so. And all I ever prayed and wished for was to be back with him and I am. And now its still hurting. I need to break away.. I know that he has me dangling on a piece of thread like someone stated before. And he has his es the same way. I know no matter how much he disrespects her, and how much she knows that he is back with me, she will still take him back with open arms.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 I could be wrong, but this is what I think is going on. He has lost his attraction to you, or is losing his attraction to you. You cant fix that by talking if he doesnt communicate. I think you need to break up now, because he will only get more annoyed, and less attracted and you two will wind up broken up anyway. He will find mor things to be annoyed by you. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of it, but you might be better off apart. I know he hasn't lost his attraction for me. I stated today that I would rather us end on good terms than for him to let it build and then hate me.
boogieboy Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I know he hasn't lost his attraction for me. I stated today that I would rather us end on good terms than for him to let it build and then hate me. Im sure he has, or else he wouldnt be saying all this to you. Dont worry about whether or not he'll hate you, theres no way to break it off without pain. You just have to clench your teeth and make a clean break, where you dont contact him, and dont allow him to contact you.
D-Lish Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I have a gf with a PhD, but she is well known for not "getting" the simple things sometimes... To everyone that loves her, it's an endearing quality. Her husband pokes a bit of fun at her in a loving way and she laughs at herself as well. That's what a loving relationship should be about. Of course, little things can frustrate you once and a while- but an outright character assassination just isn't something anyone should put up with. You're dating someone that has you worrying that you're stupid- even apologizing to him for it! Seriously, so what if you misread what he is asking sometimes- it's not something to fly off the handle about. You are the one that should be angry- and you are the one that should be breaking up with him.
stillafool Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I hate to say this but I think it's more than an annoying habit that's bothering him. He seems to be saying he doesn't want to bother coping with it any more. Do you have this problem with others and do they complain about it often? If not, then I think it just happens to irk him and it's not a major deal but there may be other underlying issues and this just happens to be what he's focussing on as the problem. He may just be losing interest. People do, sometimes relationships have a life-cycle. Maybe it's run it's course for him. Of course, it's always possible that it's not your relationship that's the problem but something else in his life that's bothering him and making him vulnerable to perceived criticism, maybe he's depressed. If he's feeling very inadequate and ill-treated by someone, possibly a boss, then your odd comments will seem like rubbing salt in the wound, even though they are not responsible. I think you need to talk to him to find out what's going on underneath all this stuff. It all depends on whether it's stress unrelated to you or whether he's just come to the end of the relationship from his point of view. It's not easy to tell from the outside. This is what I am thinking. I think this guy is still in love with his Ex and is using any excuse to get angry and take his frustration out on Eyecandy. He knows he can't have her back the way he wants and probably misses the sex and is being an ********* to someone who is innocent in the situation.
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I have a gf with a PhD, but she is well known for not "getting" the simple things sometimes... To everyone that loves her, it's an endearing quality. Her husband pokes a bit of fun at her in a loving way and she laughs at herself as well. That's what a loving relationship should be about. Of course, little things can frustrate you once and a while- but an outright character assassination just isn't something anyone should put up with. You're dating someone that has you worrying that you're stupid- even apologizing to him for it! Seriously, so what if you misread what he is asking sometimes- it's not something to fly off the handle about. You are the one that should be angry- and you are the one that should be breaking up with him. THIS. Dump his ass. He is a narcissistic jerk.
Hot Carl Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 ...how else would you used a debit card if not by entering a pin?!?! I think the question was a funny one!?!? When do you pump gas on a debit card and not use a pin? Sorry maybe I am just confused... My debit card works like a credit card. No PIN. Sometimes the machines ask whether you're using a debit or a credit card. With mine you select credit card even though that's not what it is. He probably selected debit card.
Tayla Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Ronnie W gave an accurate objective accessment. Take it for what its worth. Its fair.
Twenty-ten Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 My debit card works like a credit card. No PIN. Sometimes the machines ask whether you're using a debit or a credit card. With mine you select credit card even though that's not what it is. He probably selected debit card. Huh, put that in your pipe and smoke it Twenty-ten! I did not know that, thanks for explaining it.
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