dating a separated man

[1Angel]

NC until he shows you divorce papers!

You say you don't want to be the OW or a secret so do NOT allow yourself to become one.

[pete3447]

Well, so do I. But meanwhile I can choose between being an unhappy OW or a relatively happy OW. What Pete says is exactly how I live my life to be as happy as possible and hopefully not have any regrets if the day comes when our relationship ends without me becoming his only woman.

 

I'll try not to beat a dead horse too much but Jennie I do think you have a really good attitude about your situation. I've read a bunch of your posts. I wish you could ring up my OW who is NC right now.

 

I'll preach just a little more...

 

I think in every relationship you only get hurt if you set expectations that surpass what the other person can give you. If you don't you'll never get hurt.

 

Just know and accurately understand your situation. Know the difference between promises and intentions - they are very different but intentions can be worth gold if they come from the right person. You control how much you get hurt by what you expect, no one else does. If you expect to love someone with your whole heart everyday and then just be happy when the next day you get to do the same - someday it will change into more or it won't but you had two damn good days. The longer it takes, the better you will be really good at loving every moment and not living for a future. Relationships aren't about the endgame, they are about the journey.

 

If you think about it, you suffer pain for about 1 month of each year that you love someone. 1/12 - pain/bliss is pretty damn good payout. Pain and bliss are part of every relationship - you can't avoid the pain but you can make the most of the good part.

 

No one who is just separated can give much in the way of promises - they are lost. but... they ARE looking for a path and if there is only one path, that is the one they will take.

 

It's true you won't fall if you never try to fly but... you sure won't fly either.

 

As far as being decent by giving him a chance to save his marriage, helllllll no!! If you love someone enough you fight for them with teeth and nails and all you have - if you don't you are a fool. I think real love is rare and worth risk and sacrifice.

 

I'll shut up now.

[Spark1111]

I guess the bottom line is that he is unsure of what he wants right now, and that unsurety, especially when trying to end or save a marriage, can go on for years.

 

If you are willing to be a secret and when his confusion ends....wait for who he chooses, than only you can decide if that risk is worth the wait.

 

Afterall, it is your life. Please be sure to envision both a future with him and without him, which is a very ambiguous place to live.

 

Depending on when he makes up his mind.

 

Good luck to you.

[norajane]

Well, so do I. But meanwhile I can choose between being an unhappy OW or a relatively happy OW. What Pete says is exactly how I live my life to be as happy as possible and hopefully not have any regrets if the day comes when our relationship ends without me becoming his only woman.

 

You also have the choice of not being an OW at all, and freeing yourself to perhaps find a man who can love you and be with you 100% without the encumbrance of a wife and family.

 

Living your life as happy OW just makes it that much easier for MM to continue having both an OW and a wife. You are making it easier for him to never make a choice about being with you. He doesn't have to make a choice - you aren't going anywhere. You've signed up for the duration and he can just enjoy you and still stay married. The longer you stick around and not make waves, the longer he can keep both you and his wife.

 

The OP is only 3 months into this. There's no reason she needs to get deeper in and waste years of her life being an OW while she waits for MM and his wife to decide her fate.

 

I wish you could ring up my OW who is NC right now.

 

You were in an affair for 4.5 years, your OW left her H, and you are still married. I don't think your ex-OW's problem is that she needs an attitude adjustment from jj.

 

I'll preach just a little more...

 

If you love someone enough you fight for them with teeth and nails and all you have - if you don't you are a fool. I think real love is rare and worth risk and sacrifice.

And how are you fighting for your OW? What did you do to fight for her during the 4.5 years you were in an affair? What are you doing now?

 

You're still married. Your OW is no longer married. You can get a divorce and then fight tooth and nail to get your OW to take your calls again. But you're not doing that.

 

Or is the fighting only supposed to be on the OW and BS side, with the H sitting in the middle with two women fighting over him?

[whichwayisup]

The OP is only 3 months into this. There's no reason she needs to get deeper in and waste years of her life being an OW while she waits for MM and his wife to decide her fate

.

 

Exactly. 3 months isn't alot of time invested in someone. May feel like it, and it'll hurt when/if she decides to end it, but alot easier to deal with the pain and grieving NOW rather than a year or two from now.

[Jeff1962]

I hold no respect for any man that would seperate from his wife, sleep with another woman, lie to both and give his wife and OW false hope.

 

To put it quite bluntly, you are someone to have sex with while he figures all of this out, or until his W. tells him to FO.

 

If you do not end this, you will get exactly what is coming to you.

[Kcruiser]

Ok, most of you i agree with but not all of you. I know its easy to attack the mm and trust me sometimes i do it to him too. And he will take it because he understands why im upset. He is not asking me to wait around, he does not think thats fair. He would understand if I date other people, he just wants me to be happy. He wishes he could give me everything he had right now but he cant. He wants us to be together in the end but will understand if i move on. And yes many of you would say well hes not making you happy being the OW. I would agree with this. But I also understand that i have chosen to be in this spot. If i decided to end it for now with him there will be no hostility, we have talked about it. We will both miss each other like hell but Im just not sure im ready to do that yet, I dont want to miss him. BUt its days like today where Im feeling good, im not frustrated or angry, and yes i know how much i care about him, its these days that i make better decsions. These are the days i need to really sit back and think about what i need and want to do. When im frustrated and upset, those are the days I become irrational. I know a lot of you have had bad experiences, and im not here saying mine wont be. Mine might be, trust me i have thought about that. There are no guarantees. And lets say things finally get normal, there are no guarantees either that we will end up happily ever after. Im not here to trash talk my mm, you guys cant say anything that i havent thought of or said to him. And if i end up hurt I will understand he did whats best for him and his his family and his intentions were never to hurt me. Im just here to figure out whats best for me at this time.

[fooled once]

And I guess you have decided that it's best for you to sit, wait, wonder and play 2nd fiddle -- excuse me, a secret 2nd fiddle -- to his wife.

 

He has chosen his marriage.

 

You have chosen to wait and hope and CONTINUE to be the OW. You aren't dating him. You are a mistress. He can't have a girlfriend when he has a wife that he is telling he is working on the marriage. He is lying. He is gaslighting her.

 

But go ahead and sit and wait. That is your choice.

 

I bet we see you in a year, crying and wondering why he still hasn't divorced his ex because he says he isn't in love anymore, but then again, you do understand it because he wants to be with his child.

 

Remember, no one can take advantage of us unless we let them.

[jennie-jennie]

You also have the choice of not being an OW at all, and freeing yourself to perhaps find a man who can love you and be with you 100% without the encumbrance of a wife and family.

 

Living your life as happy OW just makes it that much easier for MM to continue having both an OW and a wife. You are making it easier for him to never make a choice about being with you. He doesn't have to make a choice - you aren't going anywhere. You've signed up for the duration and he can just enjoy you and still stay married. The longer you stick around and not make waves, the longer he can keep both you and his wife.

 

The OP is only 3 months into this. There's no reason she needs to get deeper in and waste years of her life being an OW while she waits for MM and his wife to decide her fate.

 

I like my MM, he is the one I want. You can not just return him to the store and say you want a better model. This is love we are talking about. The objects of love are not interchangeable.

 

I am a happy OW in the sense that I am where I want to be. Having that outlook makes my life hold a higher quality. It does not mean I am not depressed some days, but I am at peace with myself. The constant struggle between my head and heart is over, they have joined forces. I live my life, I don't wait for my life to happen, I don't wait for my fate to be decided, I live my life.

 

Am I making it easier for my MM not to make a choice? Well, I am certainly making it harder for him to choose his wife, so in that sense, yes. I see him moving closer and closer to me, perhaps he will never come close enough to leave his marriage, I don't know, but I know I have enjoyed the journey.

 

I know I am loved, and I love him too. Enough to stay with him where he is at in his life at the moment.

[jwi71]

I like my MM, he is the one I want. You can not just return him to the store and say you want a better model. This is love we are talking about. The objects of love are not interchangeable.

 

You, again inadvertently, just described why MOST MM/MW won't leave...as our hapless OP is about to learn.

[Kcruiser]

Ok... so here was the solution... My mm and i just talked. He doesnt want me to be the OW. He wants to be with me. But we both agreed the smart thing to do is to take some time apart for a bit. It was very mutual. We told each other how much we cared for each other and He is hoping this will be all over soon. We will find out i guess. But i know he misses his child like crazy and he knows he cant work it out with his wife. He wants to see their MC a couple more times by himself. He is learning a lot about why his marriage failed and also about himself. Obviously i have hope, so ya that hope makes me hang on. But the separation will be good for us. He thinks it will make us grow stronger....it may make me crazy, but at least a decision has been made. hopefully we can keep to it this time. Thanks for all your support. We will see what happens...I think i need to come up with a time line in my head, and not tell him about it. If he still hasnt told his wife that he doesnt want to work it out then ill move on.

[carhill]

Happy to hear you found a path which works for you. If I could suggest something....if you're setting any sort of timeline, make it a verifiable one. I mentioned in a prior post about my divorce papers. A lady can see that nice court stamp, date and time I was served. That's a timeline. A bifurcated settlement can be another timeline, since sometimes property and child custody issues extend beyond the time where the parties accept the divorce is inevitable. Etc, Etc....

 

My point is, if you're setting a timeline relevant to any part of his M, facts must be verifiable, not just heresay. Anyone can say anything at any time for any reason. As a good friend of mine often says, trust with verification (I think Ronald Reagan used that line decades ago).

 

Hope it works out!

[pureinheart]

Ive been reading posts on here for a while. Ive been dating a separated man for 3 months. He has been separated for the same amount of time. We were friends first and then he told me how he felt about me and how unhappy he was in his relationship. He left his wife the next day and we've been seeing each other ever since. Because he doesnt want to have a messy divorce and because of their child he is trying to make it "work" with her. She found our phone records so she knows about me, however he has told her that we stopped seeing each other because he is trying to make it "work". which is not true. He tells me he doesnt want her to know about us because he doesnt want her to hate me and him. if things work out with us we will have to deal with her forever and we both want it peaceful. Ive been very supportive of this but i hate being a secret. I hate that he tells me he wants to be with me but can go and spend time with her. He tells me how awful it is but its something he has to do right now. He understands if I cant stick around for this and that he hopes that when its all over we can be together. He thinks life is too short for me to wait for him and that he wouldnt be that selfish to ask me to do that. He then says well ya obviously i want you to wait for me but i cant ask that of you. We tried to stop talking a couple times but we both gave in and contacted each other. When im with him its great, but when we are apart i get sad. He moved out of the home when they separated but because of his child he is still over there all the time, cooking dinner for them etc. I am totally supportive of him and his son and yes he needs to come first but its the fact that his wife and him are still "trying" to work it out. Who has been in this situation? dating a separated man who you are crazy about but the timing is wrong..and what did you do. He tells me im not the other woman but i feel like i am, and i told him thats how he has made me feel. He felt very badly about that and that he cares about me and always wants to be with me but he cant give me everything i want and diserve right now. We both cant wait for the day when he can... should i wait around for that day??

 

 

Wow, not to try to slight you in any way, although the way you describe MM is similar to how my exMM was...he hated going home (sord of)....infact everything was confused and divided. He really was not in love with his W any longer yet he was "comfortable" as they had been M'd for almost 30yrs....that's a lot of time, a lot of background.

 

He continually gave me mixed messages until I could not handle the division any longer. My heart goes out to you as I totally understand.

 

exMM/? (I don't know what he is to me right now as I am contemplating many things, he is D'ed now though).

 

OK, what I would say to you is what I have done myself. I have my own life, and should I meet someone that I can't live without, homegirl is gone. If I donot meet someone else and he pulls his head out of his you know what and treats me in a manor that is worthy of M then he is my first choice as the one that I cannot live without.

 

In bold is the key for me right now.

You know, homeboy has tried to have it both ways since I met him...I don't think so....

[pureinheart]

For the sake of clarity, the "lightbulb" at the top of the thread was for me....I had a "lightbulb" experience in my sitch.

[pureinheart]

Happy to hear you found a path which works for you. If I could suggest something....if you're setting any sort of timeline, make it a verifiable one. I mentioned in a prior post about my divorce papers. A lady can see that nice court stamp, date and time I was served. That's a timeline. A bifurcated settlement can be another timeline, since sometimes property and child custody issues extend beyond the time where the parties accept the divorce is inevitable. Etc, Etc....

 

My point is, if you're setting a timeline relevant to any part of his M, facts must be verifiable, not just heresay. Anyone can say anything at any time for any reason. As a good friend of mine often says, trust with verification (I think Ronald Reagan used that line decades ago).

 

Hope it works out!

 

Most definitely Carhill.... a person needs to back what they say. To send mixed messages only confuses the situation and causes pain and heartache.

 

My situation was a mind game at times, with little or inadequet information that was verifiable.

 

I used to preach that in order to make an educated decision I needed the facts....I did have the facts already and didn't know it or want to see it (bold)

[1Angel]

Yup he's lying to his wife, he will lie to you. Get proof before you believe what he says.