kiss_andmakeup Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 (edited) In the process of reading this book, just because I find it an interesting subject. (http://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/0525951512/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265564012&sr=8-1) I have to say I really do agree with the author...I think that, on average, women attract the highest number of quality mates in their 20's. However, this also gives us a complex and since we attract so many men we feel the need to make lists of ridiculous requirements to "narrow it down," and then we have the opposite problem: we feel we can't meet men who "meet all of our requirements." At 22, somewhat settled down with my current boyfriend, and considering marriage in the next couple of years, this book is reassuring but also confirms what I've always believed to be true: that you need only be picky where it counts the most. Thoughts? Edited February 7, 2010 by kiss_andmakeup
greatgirlfriend Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 I definitely agree that the 20's is the best decade to attract people. By then people are just starting their careers, and many aren't ready to marry yet (but open to it if the right person comes along). Even when I was in my early 30's there were still many quality mates. Now though at 39 the number has dropped. You either get guys with kids, workaholics, guys with serious issues, guys set in their ways etc. If I could do it all over again I would have seriously looked for a guy when in my 20's or early 30's. However at the time I didn't want marriage, nor was my career established at all. When you get older (say mid 30's and up) you realize you can't be as picky about things you used to be.
Lakeside_runner Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 I definitely agree that the 20's is the best decade to attract people. We're talking girls here, right?
greatgirlfriend Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 We're talking girls here, right? Both in general. In your 20's you can pretty much pick and choose. Let's compare it to a buffet. In your 20's the buffet is full of fresh food and tables and tables of it. You can choose between say chicken and noodle soup or chicken and dumpling soup, or have both. By the time you get to early 30's there are less tables and some of the food is fresh and some is not. By the time you hit mid 30's you only get a choice of one of the soups. When you hit late 30's and above, it's rare to see fresh food and there's only one table full of food (most rotting). There is no soup left except the remains on the bottom of the bowl. You have to really scrape to find fresh food. This is the same with dating. In your 20's you can be selective and only date Latin lawyers who have condos downtown and drive fancy cars. As you get older your choice might be limited to those too homely, too stupid, too self obsessed and those not looking for a commitment at all. I wish I had known this years ago but found out too late. Instead I am interested in a guy who has no kids, never married, but is a mama's boy and keeps insisting he wants nothing serious (though then he'll turn around and say he does). So in my case I could dump him or try again (hoping I find someone without kids), try to work with his issue and give him space to deal (which is what I am doing), or not be picky and date guys without jobs, with kids, or guys who just want sex.
You'reasian Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Both in general. In your 20's you can pretty much pick and choose. Let's compare it to a buffet. In your 20's the buffet is full of fresh food and tables and tables of it. You can choose between say chicken and noodle soup or chicken and dumpling soup, or have both. By the time you get to early 30's there are less tables and some of the food is fresh and some is not. By the time you hit mid 30's you only get a choice of one of the soups. When you hit late 30's and above, it's rare to see fresh food and there's only one table full of food (most rotting). There is no soup left except the remains on the bottom of the bowl. You have to really scrape to find fresh food. This is the same with dating. In your 20's you can be selective and only date Latin lawyers who have condos downtown and drive fancy cars. As you get older your choice might be limited to those too homely, too stupid, too self obsessed and those not looking for a commitment at all. I wish I had known this years ago but found out too late. Instead I am interested in a guy who has no kids, never married, but is a mama's boy and keeps insisting he wants nothing serious (though then he'll turn around and say he does). So in my case I could dump him or try again (hoping I find someone without kids), try to work with his issue and give him space to deal (which is what I am doing), or not be picky and date guys without jobs, with kids, or guys who just want sex. And what of the guys who do want serious relationships? Too clingy? You're just not into them?
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 We're talking girls here, right? The book is addressing women primarily. Men tend to peak a little bit later in terms of desirability, and can still have a pretty large dating pool well into their 30's. This is partially because men will always have the ability to reproduce no matter how old they are, and because their looks peak in their early 30's as opposed to womens' who peak in their early 20's.
Woggle Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 It's not that there is anything wrong with women when they hit 40s but by that age the guys who are left that are not happily married are the nice guys these women chewed up and spit out in their younger age and they are bitter as hell. I am fully against this book because no man with self respect wants a women who settled for him once she can no longer have men falling over themselves for her.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 It's not that there is anything wrong with women when they hit 40s but by that age the guys who are left that are not happily married are the nice guys these women chewed up and spit out in their younger age and they are bitter as hell. I am fully against this book because no man with self respect wants a women who settled for him once she can no longer have men falling over themselves for her. The point of this book is to settle for a good guy when a woman does still have men falling all over her - in her 20's.
Woggle Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 The point of this book is to settle for a good guy when a woman does still have men falling all over her - in her 20's. No woman is actually going to do that though and if she does she will eventually end up having an affair. This book is only going to create more cheated on and dumped husbands after these women get bored.
You'reasian Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 It's not that there is anything wrong with women when they hit 40s but by that age the guys who are left that are not happily married are the nice guys these women chewed up and spit out in their younger age and they are bitter as hell. I am fully against this book because no man with self respect wants a women who settled for him once she can no longer have men falling over themselves for her. Kinda cold, but I see what you mean. We've all been "chewed up and spit out" to some degree, but despite that I find myself becoming a more loving and capable partner. What makes a man (or woman) successful is their ability to bounce back, because life and relationships aren't fair. Communicate alot - as much as possible so you can learn alot about each other before you get involved. If communication requests are rejected, avoided (barring circumstances) she's not into you. Come back after a break-up, heal, and do things that will make you an even better partner for someone whose looking for someone just like you.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 No woman is actually going to do that though and if she does she will eventually end up having an affair. This book is only going to create more cheated on and dumped husbands after these women get bored. I don't think that's true at all...at 22 I've settled down happily, even though I don't feel as if I've settled at all, because he's perfect for me. Try not to detract from the original thread with your theory that all women are heinous cheating b*tches...I assure you there are ones who aren't...I have never cheated on a partner and never will.
greatgirlfriend Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 And what of the guys who do want serious relationships? Too clingy? You're just not into them? Unfortunately I'm experiencing the problem where the guys want a serious relationship but I don't want them. I mean the guys with kids, the obese guys, those with mental illness. Sure, there are many great guys who want a relationship, but the number decreases as people age.
Woggle Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 I don't think that's true at all...at 22 I've settled down happily, even though I don't feel as if I've settled at all, because he's perfect for me. Try not to detract from the original thread with your theory that all women are heinous cheating b*tches...I assure you there are ones who aren't...I have never cheated on a partner and never will. Like I always say if you still feel this way in 7 years I will eat my words. I just don't think this is good advice to give because it will result in a lot of broken hearts for men these women end up with.
Lakeside_runner Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 The book is addressing women primarily. Men tend to peak a little bit later in terms of desirability, and can still have a pretty large dating pool well into their 30's. This is partially because men will always have the ability to reproduce no matter how old they are, and because their looks peak in their early 30's as opposed to womens' who peak in their early 20's. Thank you! This is what I was asking...
You'reasian Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 (edited) Unfortunately I'm experiencing the problem where the guys want a serious relationship but I don't want them. I mean the guys with kids, the obese guys, those with mental illness. What would you do with a man who has no kids, isn't obese, is mentally together and wants a serious relationship? There's still a chance that your personalities, lifestyle choices and core values might not be exactly the same... Edited February 7, 2010 by You'reasian
paddington bear Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 You know what, I'm sick of all these books blaming women for not settling down early in life when they are young and fertile and beautiful and have the world at their feet. Bad enough to be in my 30's and single, but to have a non-stop onslaught of 'helpful' books telling us to settle because we're just useless trash now and therefore all we're going to get is the similar leftover trash on the dustheap of life. I'm sick of being made feel like women in their 30's are all desperate and needy clock-ticking baby-making marriage maniacs, and on top of that now we're told 'oh now that you're in your 30's you've missed the boat you bunch of stupid idiots, it's all your own fault. Now look back over your life and see that you failed, failed, failed because of something that you should have done in your 20's but cannot change now, just so we can make you feel really bad and useless and regretful'. If you're in your 20's reading this might help, but for those of us not, it's like getting perpetually battered with so-called advice telling us that we are past it, ugly, useless and that we've no chance of ever finding anyone because we're not in our 20's. This along with all the articles about women being selfish and leaving having children too late. I had one LTR in my 20's which didn't work out and unfortunately for me I didn't have tons of men asking me out, all these men to chose from and regret that I didn't take. I can hand on heart say there is not one man in my 20's that I wish I'd gone for but didn't because I was too picky. If anything I wish that the men wanted me, but they never did, so I remained single for a long time and not for want of trying. How is being unlucky in love now suddenly become translated into me messing up my whole life by not picking someone then. I didn't have all these men flinging themselves at me to choose from, so I'm sick of getting further blamed by these stupid authors for missing the boat. It takes 2 to tango, you need the male half too, you need the male half to make a couple up or have kids. Most guys in their 20's that I came across just wanted to party, didn't want kids and didn't want marriage and didn't want to settle down, so it's not just us 'stupid picky' women at fault and I for one am really, really tired of the media blaming us for our predicament in our 30's. Where are all the books and articles telling guys that they should settle down and marry and have kids in their 20's???? Huh? There's none, NONE. They get books on being a pick up artist and adding notches on their bedposts and yet being single is entirely the female half of the populations fault. I disagree. 2
greatgirlfriend Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 What would you do with a man who has no kids, isn't obese, is mentally together and wants a serious relationship? There's still a chance that your personalities, lifestyle choices and core values might not be exactly the same... Those would be problems too. People with different views on things have problems too. Sometimes people can bend but not always.
You'reasian Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 You know what, I'm sick of all these books blaming women for not settling down early in life when they are young and fertile and beautiful and have the world at their feet. Bad enough to be in my 30's and single, but to have a non-stop onslaught of 'helpful' books telling us to settle because we're just useless trash now and therefore all we're going to get is the similar leftover trash on the dustheap of life. I'm sick of being made feel like women in their 30's are all desperate and needy clock-ticking baby-making marriage maniacs, and on top of that now we're told 'oh now that you're in your 30's you've missed the boat you bunch of stupid idiots, it's all your own fault. Now look back over your life and see that you failed, failed, failed because of something that you should have done in your 20's but cannot change now, just so we can make you feel really bad and useless and regretful'. If you're in your 20's reading this might help, but for those of us not, it's like getting perpetually battered with so-called advice telling us that we are past it, ugly, useless and that we've no chance of ever finding anyone because we're not in our 20's. This along with all the articles about women being selfish and leaving having children too late. I had one LTR in my 20's which didn't work out and unfortunately for me I didn't have tons of men asking me out, all these men to chose from and regret that I didn't take. I can hand on heart say there is not one man in my 20's that I wish I'd gone for but didn't because I was too picky. If anything I wish that the men wanted me, but they never did, so I remained single for a long time and not for want of trying. How is being unlucky in love now suddenly become translated into me messing up my whole life by not picking someone then. I didn't have all these men flinging themselves at me to choose from, so I'm sick of getting further blamed by these stupid authors for missing the boat. It takes 2 to tango, you need the male half too, you need the male half to make a couple up or have kids. Most guys in their 20's that I came across just wanted to party, didn't want kids and didn't want marriage and didn't want to settle down, so it's not just us 'stupid picky' women at fault and I for one am really, really tired of the media blaming us for our predicament in our 30's. Where are all the books and articles telling guys that they should settle down and marry and have kids in their 20's???? Huh? There's none, NONE. They get books on being a pick up artist and adding notches on their bedposts and yet being single is entirely the female half of the populations fault. I disagree. PB, What's wrong with the dating scene or men in your opinion?
You'reasian Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Those would be problems too. People with different views on things have problems too. Sometimes people can bend but not always. True. What are the issues that a couple can bend on? Issues that they can't?
Woggle Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 If a woman is single into her late 30s she either wants to be or she is doing something to drive men away. Nobody rights telling men to commit because most of us don't do our best to sabotage a good thing like women and men who want to commit are usually seen as undesirable by most women.
You'reasian Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 PB, What's wrong with the dating scene or men in your opinion? Or as I'm discussing with greatgirlfriend, maybe its not so much that there's not enough available guys (single, no kids, healthy, available) but more the devil in the details... core beliefs values personality mix
You'reasian Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 If a woman is single into her late 30s she either wants to be or she is doing something to drive men away. Nobody rights telling men to commit because most of us don't do our best to sabotage a good thing like women and men who want to commit are usually seen as undesirable by most women. No one's perfect, Woggle. Not everyone lives a perfect life, has the best of luck, circumstances etc. so you have to work with where you are at and what you can improve, right? Women are just as confused about this as we guys are. Here's my 0.02 pesos on the situation... I've known a few single women in their late 30's and they are great women - but they live a lifestyle that they enjoy (being outdoorsy and active, for instance) or they are social elite (have a huge group of friends and get their buzz from mingling) and its a center of gravity for them. They meet great guys otherwise who just aren't part of that center and it creates friction. Add to it personality differences, different values, religious beliefs, cultural backgrounds and it becomes a more complicated situation - This is where conflicts are born.
greatgirlfriend Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 True. What are the issues that a couple can bend on? Issues that they can't? It varies on people, but for instance the marriage view can change. I know many cases where one wanted to marry and one didn't not (and no, not always the guy who wants to be single). They ended up getting married because the no marriage person decided they found the one. I've seen people change their mind about children too. I've even seen people change their view politicallly as well. These cases aren't true always though.
greatgirlfriend Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 If a woman is single into her late 30s she either wants to be or she is doing something to drive men away. Nobody rights telling men to commit because most of us don't do our best to sabotage a good thing like women and men who want to commit are usually seen as undesirable by most women. Not always true. Maybe the woman never found the right guy. Maybe all she found were guys who hated career women (and she is one), maybe all she met were mentally deranged guys. In many cases it's their fault, but not always.
Woggle Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Except for a few chauvinist pigs I don't know any man that hates career women. For some men it might be a red flag which is a stereotype that can be blamed on feminists but a great personality and over desirability can easily soothe a man's fears about a woman with a successful career. On the other hand if she is a ballbuster who can't leave it behind at the office then most men want no part of her so in other words she is driving men away.
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