mammax3 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 (edited) I understand that the one who cares the least controls the pace of the relationship. I have two questions related to this concept. 1. Could it be that a person just appears to care less, due to their level of emotional display, or expression? Whereas they actually care more but are unable or unwilling to demonstrate it? 2. What if the other person (that is to say, the one who cares more and is able to express it) suddenly scales back their behavior to be as or less expressive than the other person? Does that mean it's actually the person who cares more is now controlling the relationship? I recognize this sounds like a game, but I think it could be said this type of "tactic" would be done in the interest of self-preservation or protection. I'd appreciate any thoughts or input. TYIA Edited February 7, 2010 by mammax3 Clarification of thought
OpenBook Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Yes I suppose it could be at least attempted to use as a tactic. However, the attempt would become pathetically transparent after awhile. I don't think you can fake "caring less" (or more) for long. The truth always comes out eventually.
Author mammax3 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 That's true. I guess I'm wondering if it can be used in the sense of a holding pattern until the other person emotionally catches up. Or deals with their issues. Or sees that there's a good relationship here. etc.. Or, I guess, until the person gets tired of being deceitful. Or gets tired of waiting. Or decides to move on. etc...
EricaH329 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Yes I suppose it could be at least attempted to use as a tactic. However, the attempt would become pathetically transparent after awhile. I don't think you can fake "caring less" (or more) for long. The truth always comes out eventually. I definitely agree! Realistically, even if you were to hold back, you wouldn't have the power. Because you still care more, whether you are hiding it or not. That's true. I guess I'm wondering if it can be used in the sense of a holding pattern until the other person emotionally catches up. Or deals with their issues. Or sees that there's a good relationship here. etc.. Or, I guess, until the person gets tired of being deceitful. Or gets tired of waiting. Or decides to move on. etc... I'm a little confused as to what you are asking? Are you saying that you don't want the other person to feel like they have control, so you act as though you don't care? Or is this something you want to do for yourself so you don't become too emotionally attached?
Author mammax3 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Erica that's kind of what I thought - they still have the power. Yes, I'm worried of becoming more emotionally attached, and also I think that he's holding back for whatever internal reasons. It's not so I seem in control, he knows what I feel for him. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the one who's always seeking him out for attention I think it's beginning to take a toll on my self esteem (feeling as though he's not interested enough to seek me out). So I'm trying to find a way to balance that out.
USMCHokie Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where this bullsh*t is even an issue... If the relationship is a constant "power struggle" where each person is trying to get an upper hand in being more "not caring," then they have some issues...life's too short and there are too many people out there for me to have to deal with crap like this. I want to love someone who loves me. It's that simple...
You'reasian Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 I understand that the one who cares the least controls the pace of the relationship. I have two questions related to this concept. 1. Could it be that a person just appears to care less, due to their level of emotional display, or expression? Whereas they actually care more but are unable or unwilling to demonstrate it? 2. What if the other person (that is to say, the one who cares more and is able to express it) suddenly scales back their behavior to be as or less expressive than the other person? Does that mean it's actually the person who cares more is now controlling the relationship? I recognize this sounds like a game, but I think it could be said this type of "tactic" would be done in the interest of self-preservation or protection. I'd appreciate any thoughts or input. TYIA The one who cares the least, doesn't value the relationship as much?
Author mammax3 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 I'm worried about seeming overbearing in contacting him more than he is me. Trifling, I agree, USMC and yet - wouldn't a person who isn't as interested find this incredibly irritating? If he is as interested, but just not as demonstrative, maybe he likes it. Makes him feel loved etc. We've talked about it, and he says everything's fine, and yet - why wouldn't he contact me more, then? I end up feeling needy and pathetic when I always contact him just to chat or to get together. It seems as though I need to firm up the boundaries. But I'm not sure how to do that, so I thought that scaling back might be a good choice.
USMCHokie Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 I'm worried about seeming overbearing in contacting him more than he is me. Trifling, I agree, USMC and yet - wouldn't a person who isn't as interested find this incredibly irritating? If he is as interested, but just not as demonstrative, maybe he likes it. Makes him feel loved etc. We've talked about it, and he says everything's fine, and yet - why wouldn't he contact me more, then? I end up feeling needy and pathetic when I always contact him just to chat or to get together. It seems as though I need to firm up the boundaries. But I'm not sure how to do that, so I thought that scaling back might be a good choice. Or he just doesn't need to be in contact with you as much as you need to be in contact with him. Sometimes we think about stuff just a little too much... If it bothers him that you contact him so much, he'll let you know...but if he is just being "distant" to manipulate you, then that's bullsh*t, and good on ya' for putting up with it... Good relationships shouldn't require this much effort on bullsh*t issues...
Woggle Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where this bullsh*t is even an issue... If the relationship is a constant "power struggle" where each person is trying to get an upper hand in being more "not caring," then they have some issues...life's too short and there are too many people out there for me to have to deal with crap like this. I want to love someone who loves me. It's that simple... Then you are looking for something that does not exist.
USMCHokie Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Then you are looking for something that does not exist. Eh, you're probably right...but a boy can dream...
OpenBook Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 That's true. I guess I'm wondering if it can be used in the sense of a holding pattern until the other person emotionally catches up. Or deals with their issues. Or sees that there's a good relationship here. etc. Yes, absolutely. This is not "acting." This is withdrawing yourself from a potentially painful situation in order to protect yourself, and also because you're just not as sure anymore about the combination of you & him. You can still be nice to him... just more distant. Stop calling him. Make your own plans. That sort of thing. I know it's WAY easier said than done. But you've got to look out for yourself first. Period. Especially the way this relationship is making you feel! Relationships should be EASY and effortless in the beginning. He should be doing everything in his power to make you feel safe and secure in the relationship. If he's not, then he either doesn't care about you that much or he's trying to manipulate you. Either way, it's not a pretty sight, or a positive sign about him AT ALL. I think you'd be wise to back off. Don't EVER be afraid to do a 180 on someone if you don't like the way you're being treated. Or, I guess, until the person gets tired of being deceitful. Or gets tired of waiting. Or decides to move on. etc... Yeah. You could keep on doing the same thing you're doing until you reach this painful point... or you could back off NOW and save yourself some trouble! Yes, I'm worried of becoming more emotionally attached, and also I think that he's holding back for whatever internal reasons. It's not so I seem in control, he knows what I feel for him. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the one who's always seeking him out for attention I think it's beginning to take a toll on my self esteem (feeling as though he's not interested enough to seek me out). So I'm trying to find a way to balance that out. Ah, then you've just answered your own question here. For reasons passing understanding, men tend to become complacent and take you for granted when you give them a crystal-clear picture of your feelings for them - especially in the first few months of a relationship! Therefore, it's never a good idea to "lay it all out on the line" and wear your heart on your sleeve with them. You always have to hold back parts of yourself in reserve. Most of it starting right out of the gate... and as he proves to you over time that he's in it for the long haul, you'll know it's safe to share a little more of yourself, gradually. If you don't do this, and he gets complacent, then it's definitely time for Plan B: The Great Pull-Back!
Author mammax3 Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Your points are well considered, OpenBook, thank you. He was very expressive at the beginning, perhaps it's complacency, perhaps it's fear of the developing reationship (who knows!) but it's been seriously curtailed. Erm, that will be hard, emotionally pulling back and then putting it into actions. Any advice? I'm often very open and expressive and have no troubles demonstrating or seeking out contact, I'm not sure how to not do that. I can still be nice, when he contacts me, and I'll be more selective in choosing whether we go out (which is already severely limited), but what about when I miss him? Or when I want to talk to him, or see him? Cheers.
Author mammax3 Posted February 10, 2010 Author Posted February 10, 2010 I was not successful at pulling back, and instead decided to maintain the open relationship we've so far created. So I asked him how he was perceiving things, and then we chatted about what we were seeing and what sorts of things we thought we needed to move forward. It was a great conversation It really continued to illustrate to me why I think he's so great. I've tried to understand his perspective (just doesn't need as much contact as I do) and he's tried to make more an effort. We'll see how we go from here. Thanks for reading.
OpenBook Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Glad it worked out mammax. I hope he continues to live up to being "great" in your eyes!!
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I used to hold back how much I cared because I had some 'warped' (i'm not sure it is really) notion that men love chasing and as soon as you reciprocate they'll get bored and chase someone else. Basically I listened too much to what 'society' told me instead of him.
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