PuggaGirl Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Hi. I am almost 3 months into a separation from my husband of 10 years (together 14). One of the biggest problems we had was a lack of friends. I have never had many friends - even growing up - while he was very social before we got together. I was always more content to stay at home and watch movies or do things with just him. I think part of the problem was I was always torn: if I did get an invitation to do something with co-workers, he wouldn't come (didn't like people I work with) so I would turn down the invite to spend time with him. That's coming back to haunt me now. I do not have a strong family connection (my parents live 8 hours away and are not social or friendly). Now that we are living apart, he has re-gained that social side and has made lots of social connections (and quite a few girlfriends) and always has something going on. For me, its not that easy since I am shy and very self-conscious. I've never been good in large groups so I really just want to find a couple of friends that I can call on the weekend to go have a beer or go to the movies with. I have been accepting any invitation thrown my way even though I have a hard time enjoying myself due to thoughts of H.
Jeff1962 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Pugga. When you are in a relationship it is not very health to totally build your life around that person. YOU NEED FRIENDS outside of the marriage. YOU NEED OUTSIDE INTRESTS, this helps build healthy relationships and improves self esteem. I only have one or two close buddies but I do know a lot of people. I do not only hang around these two buddies. I hang around many people, mainly as couples but I also do my own thing. You don't have to be best friends with everyone. Some people you keep at arms length but can still have a lot of fun. Get out there, force yourself if need be. The more you do this it will become easier and before you know it, this could become second nature for you. MEET PEOPLE. Good luck.
tigereyes1428 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 honey - if i were anywhere near you i would love a glass of wine and chat - there are lots of people in same situation - get out and involved in things in your local area and force yourself to make the effort to just go start a conversation with someone once a day - just hello how are you even? you CAN do this - and never make the mistake of making a man your everything again - we have all done it but very few of us ever do it twice. good luck x
Author PuggaGirl Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Thanks for the replies. Sometimes its good to just get a little kick from others! I am thinking about doing some volunteer work or joining a church just to be able to meet different people. My H keeps saying just go out and have a drink but the idea of going out by myself is not too appealing. I think its easier for a guy to go sit at a bar and just talk to people. We made that mistake of being joined at the hip with everything we did. We enjoyed each other's company (or at least I thought we did until last year) but now I see how unhealthy that was for both of us. I must not have gotten the lesson early in life on social skills and how to make friends and now I have a lot of catching up to do.
zebracolors Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Great advice from Jeff and TigerEyes. Definitely follow TigerEyes' advice and put yourself in situations where you have the chance to meet people in person. And It's alright to come on sites like this and try to make friends. And I'll certainly open up the door to be your friend as well:), but the thing with meeting people on the internet is that it's hit or miss. As Jeff said, some people you keep at arms length, like (both on the net and in the world) at least until such time as they pass the point of just a casual acquaintance, which you and I would be for each other, insofar as this board allows us to communicate. However right now you don't know me very well, nor I you, so it would take time to get to know you better, and over time we would see if we share interests, views and opinions. It also falls on us, and anyone else who we're communicating with here to just be willing to open up and be ourselves, as we read and make acquaintances. If deeper friendships follow from this, well that will remain to be seen. Now, having said that I invite you to chat anytime you need to talk. If you can send PMs, feel free to send to me, even if you just want to rant and be heard. I'll listen and help if I can. Good luck!
nobody's girl Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Now that you have free time and don't have to be tied to someone, it's time to investigate your interests. What have you always wanted to do or learn about? Check the community calendar on your local newspaper or news channel websites. Find out if there are any classes or seminars in your area that you could take. Join a meetup group in your area (http://www.meetup.com). Go to a lecture at the library. You won't have to talk to people if you don't want to. Or you may end up sitting next to a friendly soul who likes to talk and obviously shares your interests. If you have a dog, take the dog to the park or even walking through town. I guarantee someone will stop to ask about the dog and talk to you some. And I know from experience it's way easier to talk to someone when you have a leash in your hand and a dog to take some of the attention off of you. Even those short interactions will help build your people skills and make you more confident in talking to people and making new friends.
Author PuggaGirl Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Thanks to everyone for the advice. I am so overwhelmed by everything changing in my life but I have to start making some changes. I have 2 dogs so I think I am going to take that approach - go to the dog park; see if I can volunteer with some rescue organizations. Dogs always seem to be instant conversation starters.
turkstragal Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 You sound so much like me. I was never a social person either. In high school I was self conscious of how I looked and always afraid I would do something stupid giving people reason to make fun of me. Now I just panic when I have to talk to people or meet people in real life while if I chat with people on line I am fine. I still haven't figured it out either but since I have been chatting on line with people I dont panic as easy as I used to. I guess its just a matter of taking things one step at a time..Move slow but keep on trying....
Author PuggaGirl Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Turkstragal: Yep, that's me! My husband was an extrovert so could always use him to break the ice when we went to social events. I tried to get out of my comfort zone this week: I invited a co-worker and her daughter out for dinner yesterday. We ended up inviting a group and had a wonderful time. I was proud of myself for reaching out and extending the invitation. I let one of co-workers know my need for social outings: she's going to take me "bar-hopping" so I can meet some people and get comfortable going to some new places. I am hoping that by finally getting to know some of my co-workers outside of the office, I will meet some of their friends and hopefully widen my circle. Thanks to all for your encouraging words and advice.
Recommended Posts