Dating 3 Months and She Disappears...

[virus5150]

...so I've been dating this girl for the past 3 months - things seem to be going very well. We've gone on maybe a dozen or so dates and she has stayed with me maybe 4-5 times. She just got out of a LTR (3 years) and I am recently divorced so we agreed to take things slow. We had instant chemistry and we really enjoyed spending time with each other. Last weekend her family came into town, so she was unavailable - I texted her over the weekend, just to say hi more or less and she didn't respond - no big deal as I knew she was busy and hasn't always responded to text messages in the past. I call her on Tuesday and get her VM - leave a quick message and have yet to hear back from her. I am a wreck. This has happened to me in the past where I haven't developed such a connection with someone and I was able to brush it off as "she's not into me" and move on. I understand how someone can flake after 1,2,3 dates - but after 12 or so dates - you would think they would be adult enough to break things off in person or at least offer some explanation so I'm done dangling in the wind... Any input is greatly appreciated.

[Lakeside_runner]

Sorry to hear that. It really sounds bad - as you said: if someone disappears after date 1-3 it's kind of ok. But 12? That's a lot! That's sort of girlfriend territory!

[spiderowl]

Men are well known for doing this kind of thing, just disappearing after a connection has been formed for the woman. I'm sorry this happened as I know it's very hurtful and confusing. If it's the same thing, then it seems to be a way of avoiding confrontation when the person is no longer interested. The poor victim is left completely blind-sided as they had no indication anything was amiss. Maybe she'll come back with an explanation - I hope so, as I know how this feels.

[superchick]

Sorry to hear about it. I'm a girl and this is my dating fear - someone disappearing after so many dates. Fortunately, no one did that to me yet but I read stories and I definitely do not want to end up in a situation like that. I would wait until the end of next week and give her a friendly call asking if she's been doing okay. No more messages after that. I think sooner or later she will respond to your messages. My best bet is that she now is evaluating whether or not she wants to continue the relationship. Only time will tell.

 

Good luck to you and I hope she contacts you soon.

[Satisfaction]

In addition to what the people above have said, I'd also like to add that if she can do that, it's probably best that she is gone.

It was really cruel of her to lead you on for 3 months though. Maybe when the family came over they kept asking about him and she caved in and called him and has been ringing him begging for him to come back.

You can message her a couple of times, as there is a 1% chance that she had an accident and is in hospital. But if that's the case you should hear from her within the week.

It hurts when you have a connection and they drop off like that. Hopefully she'll ring or text an explain though.

[calizaggy]

Complete waste of your time.. I would find a new woman.

 

She might have found someone else, simply doesn't care, or just changed her mind..

[Left in a Lurch]

My prediction is next week or the week after she will call or text you out of the blue and act like nothing ever happened. If you question her she will say she was stressed with work, the family coming, any number of dumb excuses and if you press her she will say you are a jerk and she needs time and some space to think about things.

 

My suggestion to you is once she starts to turn things around and make it look like you are the devil because SHE blew you off, tell her you were already going to dump her because her breath was horrible and you couldn't take it any more. You're not going to win when she turns it around on you and you can at least give her a complex about her breath once your gone.

[marlena]

My prediction is next week or the week after she will call or text you out of the blue and act like nothing ever happened. If you question her she will say she was stressed with work, the family coming, any number of dumb excuses and if you press her she will say you are a jerk and she needs time and some space to think about things.

 

My suggestion to you is once she starts to turn things around and make it look like you are the devil because SHE blew you off, tell her you were already going to dump her because her breath was horrible and you couldn't take it any more. You're not going to win when she turns it around on you and you can at least give her a complex about her breath once your gone.

 

Yes, it is a pattern. Don't fall for it. Unless they are dead, anyone can pick up the phone and talk for a second... It's BS big time.

[mortensorchid]

Sorry to hear this, but you have been blown off. She's not interested anymore for whatever reason, but don't spend too much time dwelling over it. Just move on.

[virus5150]

Yea, I'm just so confused over the whole thing - the hardest part is that I had what I thought to be a great connection with this girl. If I didn't think that was there - I wouldn't have any problem just "moving on"... I can't wrap my head around why someone would lead you on for 3 months and then just dispppear - I get going out with someone a couple times and doing that - but not 3 months. Were both in our 30s - so I though most of those silly games ended when you matured and you were up front with people - good, bad, or different. Maybe I'm in a dreamland.

[meerkat stew]

Disagree thoroughly with the poster that said "men are well known for this." That's not true. I don't know any man, and never have known any who would go out with a woman 12 times and then just cease contact.

 

This is much more likely for women these days who have somehow gotten the idea in our U.S. social climate that an acceptable way to express disinterest in someone, or a desire to move on, is to ignore them completely, even after as many as 12 dates, instead of just telling them the truth.

 

People who would be -this- rude are a minority in both genders. OP, this one is not worth your time. Just move on, sorry you have been treated rudely in this way.

[Art_Critic]

My prediction is that she didn't have family come in and it was her ex who she disappeared with..

 

The silence has an unmistakable look to it..

 

If she reappears just trust that there is way more to this story than she is telling you.

[calizaggy]

Disagree thoroughly with the poster that said "men are well known for this." That's not true. I don't know any man, and never have known any who would go out with a woman 12 times and then just cease contact.

 

This is much more likely for women these days who have somehow gotten the idea in our U.S. social climate that an acceptable way to express disinterest in someone, or a desire to move on, is to ignore them completely, even after as many as 12 dates, instead of just telling them the truth.

 

.

 

 

HAHA..

 

I was thinking the same thing.. I never heard of a man taking a woman on 12 sexless dates and not being interested, then just disappearing..

[virus5150]

So, if you were in this situation what would you do? I don't just want to abandon what could be a great relationship - but she's giving me signs that she's not interested. I have a hard time just "moving on" with someone I've been dating for the past 3 months and feel like I've developed a strong connection with and especially without any sort of explanation. I haven't talked to her in a week, maybe I try her again 1 final time and then throw in the towel. I dunno, I'm just so irritated by all of this - I don't know how someone can do this.

[Lakeside_runner]

Um, wait until Thursday-Friday... Then call her. See what happens. 3 months is a lot of time and I guess it is the time where people usually get invested in the relationship. To abandon someone without explanation is just cruel! Ask yourself this: do I really want to date someone who has done such thing? I'm sure there's plenty of other girls out there who wouldn't do such a thing!!!

[Crazy Magnet]

One of my female friends had a boyfriend who fell off the planet after dating for a year! He never called, emailed, or texted that the relationship was over. She just had to assume it was after a week or two. It was probably the worst break up anyone could experience b/c there was no closure. It's awful that you're having to deal with this too.

 

Like many posters have said, I'm sure she will have many reasons for disappearing if she contacts you again, but to me it looks like she doesn't WANT to be in contact with you. After three months, you deserve more respect than this. It only takes a few seconds to send a text, and phone calls can take under five minutes. Nobody is so insanely busy that they can't spare 5 seconds to send a "Hey, thinking of you." text.

 

As painful as it is to move on without closure, that is what I would suggest you do. If she wanted to talk to you, she would. Wild horses wouldn't stop her.

[virus5150]

I appreciate all the responses - thank you. I'm coming to the realization that this is over - which really sucks, because I thought there was something there. Honestly, with her getting out of a LTR recently, I think V-day coming up may have spooked her. I just hate throwing in the towel with someone I have invested so much time with. At then end of the day - I just want to know - one way or the other - is that too much to ask??

[virus5150]

.....bump.....

[txsilkysmoothe]

I'm not recommending this but it may get you an answer -

 

Why don't you call her and leave a message that if she doesn't call you back, you will be coming to her home to speak to her in person.

 

That may prompt a response if she is avoiding a difficult conversation (that will be more difficult in person) or if there is another man (who she wouldn't want seeing you at her home).

[blueberries]

i'm sorry that you're going through this. i have experienced something similar and i can completely understand the pain and perhaps desperation for an answer... like others have said, sending a quick text or leaving a voice message takes less than 1 minute, she could do that even on the toilet. whatever her reasons are, likely she's rekindling something with her ex, it doesn't matter because her actions speak louder than words. save yourself time and effort...as hard as it may be, please walk away.

 

if you're still not satisfied, you may want to write an email and tell her how you feel. that makes me feel better, it may make you feel better as well. if she doesn't respond, then to hell with her. good luck.

[virus5150]

@txsilkysmoothe - thanks, but IMO, that seems a bit stalkerish.

 

@blueberries - thanks, i am desperate for an answer - one that may never come.

 

Honestly, it's the first time I don't know what to do, other than just walk away... I've debated trying her on the phone 1 more time, sending flowers without pressuring her (basic card - simple message that doesn't ask any "why" questions - just something like - i thought we were having fun, hope these make you smile)...

 

Then again - maybe shes not even worth that...

 

I so thought something was there, and that really sucks.

[meerkat stew]

In this case it's not stalking, you have a right to follow up on a pure disappearance like this after so much time invested.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I'm not saying to do it - just tell her you're going to do it.

 

She certainly doesn't deserve flowers.

[virus5150]

Thx txsilky, I don't think it work anyway - we live in Boston and she lives in a high-rise so I can't just pop over and see what's going on. I think you're spot on with the flowers, I'm just grasping at straws because I saw potential - maybe I just face the fact that she sucks and be happy that she showed her true colors only after 3 months... Even so, that doesn't seem to make it easier...