I am a cheater at the end (and beginning) of the road.

[Prarie]

Don't really know why I'm posting this. Still working through my emotions. I don't feel the need to be beat up. Maybe sending it out into the universe will be cathartic, I guess. Or maybe I do want to be beat up. I don't know. I do think I'm a good person who made some really bad choices, beginning with marrying someone I couldn't be 100% honest with. I had never ever been unfaithful and I was extraordinarily judgmental about extra-marital affairs. And, yes, what goes around comes around and I'm probably getting off easy by comparison to some (and to what I deserve).

 

Short story:

Husband worked out of town.

Met another man (online) who I knew I shouldn't be interacting with.

Due to our individual circumstances, we were both emotionally needy and available to hang out with each other all day every day online for a month. I told him it was dangerous to my marriage and disrespectful to my husband and he agreed. But I was selfish and I was swept up in the excitement and the flirting and we agreed to meet. We met three times in the first six months. We texted, e-mailed, talked on the phone, and for the first time in my life I felt growing true, passionate love and had it returned in equal measure. We never got to know each other in "real" life, but I absolutely fell in love with this person. I have no idea if it would have worked in real life, being forged in dishonesty and perhaps that's why I hesitated. For 20 months I dragged the three of us through agony. Never was in love with my husband and it has always been an unfulfilling, empty, stagnant relationship for me but I was too afraid of hurting him and too confused and scared about what to do next. At every turn, I made the wrong decision but I don't think of myself as a cake eater. My husband and I have not been intimate in any way for a year and a half and I have been sleeping on our couch for over two years... but for some reason it was just "easier" to do nothing. I was absolutely frozen, a coward.

 

In December, my husband and I agreed to divorce.

 

The other man and I agreed to meet halfway next weekend to discuss me moving and our future together. This past Wednesday, I got this e-mail. I wasn't truly surprised as I could feel him starting to pull away a while ago.

A lot has changed on this roller coaster ride we have been on since we have met. In the beginning I really felt I knew what I wanted and needed, but as time went by, feelings of frustration, sadness and even anger have come to settle in. I look back and the biggest thing that could have made this situation easier was the ability to stop the communication long ago like we had tried

so

many times. I know you blame yourself, but I do understand there were 2 of us involved.

 

I have to be up front with everything as you deserve at least that. At one point I did feel like I was in love, but those feelings started to fade along with the hope of ever being together months ago. Since then, things have faded even further as I have tried to pretend that I was still in this. However, each day that went by, I just felt less and less hope for anything, which basically caused me to move on with my life. Yes, this included meeting other people. I never thought in a million years things would have ended up this way. I was fooling myself to think that if we were able to see each other again, everything would come rushing back, but I know now, it is too late. I can’t get back in a day what took months to feel, especially with the ups and downs of our situation and the risk of moving here to only find out later this isn’t going to work is something I can not ask. I know it is killing you to read this as it tears my gut to write. I know we never wanted to hurt each other, but it always seems to come to that in the end.

 

I do apologize for my absence the past few days. I really needed the space and time to figure things out. I never meant to keep you hanging like I have since you told me you were finally able to ask for a divorce. Anyway, I won’t keep you since I have beat you up enough already. At this point nothing will change my mind as I have already crossed that point of no return. I know these words are meaningless, but I do wish you the best and I will never forget our time together.

 

Goodbye.

I opted to still take the time and money that I had planned to use to meet him to instead drive to his city (where I have been job hunting for months) to run some errands (including looking at housing) and see if I can envision myself starting over there, and unless something drastic happens in the next week, that is what I intend to do. I drafted this e-mail which I have no intention of sending at this moment, if ever, as it is really a reference to where I plan to be about a month from now.

Wow -- this city is really great! I love my little house and the dogs and I are settling in well... and I finally have a bed, again!

 

Although I'

m

really enjoying being here and am glad I came for many reasons, you should know that I would not be here if not for you. You got to know a me that was confused at first and then just too scared and too weak to do the right thing at the right time. I am

so

sorry that you had to endure

so

many agonizing months before I figured that out. My time with you has taught me

so

much about myself and in the end I've found that the most important things in my life are love and truth. I can't change the past. But, I can, from this day forward, choose to live a decent life, do the right things, be true to myself and the people who are important to me, and follow my heart.

 

I acknowledge that I blew my opportunity with you and that you have turned the page. But to be at peace, I must know that I have done everything that I possibly could to make myself available if there is even a glimmer of hope of another chance, which I truly do not deserve after what I put you through. Somewhere along the way, I came to believe that we were meant to be together. And

so

, I'

m

here. What we had is over and I will not spend forever pining for someone who does not want anything to do with me, romantically. But, if you find yourself single and curious about what it could be like to know each other in a healthier, honest way, I would not turn down a dinner invitation.

 

Whatever the future brings, I wish you the purest love and deepest happiness that you deserve. You are a wonderful man and I am blessed (and my life is now better) for having known you.

I'm terrified and excited and hopeful about my future for the first time in a very long time... and fully aware that I may end up alone.

 

If you've made it this far, bless you... I had no idea it would be this long!

Edited February 7, 2010 by Prarie

[bentnotbroken]

He will so get what he deserves from the future. Seems like you are in the middle of that now.

[Prarie]

I hope so. He deserves to be happy.

[Prarie]

I could not agree with you more, Scorp. He has been used and abused and I will have to live with that forever.

[crazycatlady]

Sometimes the only way we can grow is to experience pain...its not always pleasant or fun, but sometimes it is worth it. Seems to me that you have discovered a great deal about yourself during this time, and whatever you were missing before has been finding within yourself. Good for you. Hopefully your exH can grow as well, but if it had been dead for that long, more then this emotional affair was the problem. Hopefully he too can grow, but that's not your worry. Good luck on your new adventure.

 

CCL

[bentnotbroken]

I hope so. He deserves to be happy.

 

 

Happy isn't what I had in mind.

[Prarie]

Yes, I know. All cheaters go to hell.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, I know. All cheaters go to hell.

 

 

I doubt that. But since I don't make those decisions could be.

[Prarie]

Well, I certainly appreciate your input.

[bentnotbroken]

Anytime

[Prarie]

I think the comment was directed toward the other man, not my husband.

[Ronni_W]

He has been used and abused and I will have to live with that forever.

Nah! Why choose that for yourself? When you're all settled in your great new city and your lovely little house, just start working on self-forgiveness.

 

You're human. Humans make mistakes. Doesn't mean we have to live with guilt forever. Forgiveness isn't reserved just for the terribly self-righteous among us. You are worthy of it, too!

 

Hugs, and best of luck in your new life...I wish you much happiness and success.

[fooled once]

So you had an affair, while married to someone you claim you never loved.

 

The guy cowardly dumped you via email and basically, his email implies, it was good when you were married, but now that you are divorcing, I don't really like you THAT way, and he has been seeing others, even while I guess claiming to love you.

 

Now you are moving to where he lives, kinda stalkerish, on the hopes that one day, he will see you and decide he wants to be with you - or you will call him and tell him you are there, in his town, waiting for him, should he become available.

 

Why are you choosing to move to where he lives? Why not start over fresh, in a new area?

[Samantha0905]

So you had an affair, while married to someone you claim you never loved.

 

The guy cowardly dumped you via email and basically, his email implies, it was good when you were married, but now that you are divorcing, I don't really like you THAT way, and he has been seeing others, even while I guess claiming to love you.

 

Now you are moving to where he lives, kinda stalkerish, on the hopes that one day, he will see you and decide he wants to be with you - or you will call him and tell him you are there, in his town, waiting for him, should he become available.

 

Why are you choosing to move to where he lives? Why not start over fresh, in a new area?

 

Ouch! That's what I thought too. What a totally cowardly email from your ex jerk. There was nothing in that which proclaimed love or affection. He's an a-hole for sending you that email.

 

Yuck. Don't move anywhere near him for reasons having to do with him. StalkersRUs if you do. Banish him from your life.

[bittersweet memories]

Ouch! That's what I thought too. What a totally cowardly email from your ex jerk. There was nothing in that which proclaimed love or affection. He's an a-hole for sending you that email.

 

Yuck. Don't move anywhere near him for reasons having to do with him. StalkersRUs if you do. Banish him from your life.

 

I gotta agree with you on this one.

 

Also I don't believe he will be to happy knowing you still will be moving to his town. Most likely he will run the other way if he happens to see you. So prepare for that.

[Prarie]

Well, I can certainly understand why you would all think I'm being stalkerish by moving to his town, although that didn't even occur to me as I was writing the post! I've actually spent the past year contemplating whether I would move to this place if he was not there. I have decided that I would. I want to move, to start over. That sounds like I'm kidding myself, I know, but I am the only one in this conversation fully informed of all of the factors involved and I am confident that I am doing the right thing. I will get over him... it's a big enough city that I will never see him and if I don't like it there, I'll move on.

 

And I still think he's wonderful and probably always will. Good people make mistakes and hurt each other all the time. I hurt him, he hurt me, I hurt my husband. I'm not making any excuses. What I have done is wrong on so many levels. But that doesn't make me or other man a terrible person. I've learned from this experience and I'm leaving so my husband can move on with his own life (only wish I had given him that a lot sooner) and I can move on with mine, where ever it takes me. All I can do is protect myself and do right by others in the future.

Edited February 7, 2010 by Prarie

[jnj express]

Hey Prarie----Why did you marry your H.---It seems like there never was anything there in the 1st place. You have only been married 4 years, yet you are saying the mge., went bad long ago. What happened, and why was there no attempt to fix it.

 

As to your online lover---IMHO you got played the whole time. He was fooling around online, the 2 of you came together, and became intimate, everything was fine as long as you were unavailable, minute you became available he has run as fast as his legs will take him. Why are you defending him. You don't really know if he was serious at any time do you. You were never able to look in his eyes, or study his body language. All you had were words being typed on a computer.

 

When you do start over whereever that will be--don't you think you would be better off dating in the flesh. Don't go live in the city he is in---If you are gonna D.--and you seem to be able to move where you want, find a nice place to live where there is lots of opportunity, and plenty of things to do.

[Dexter Morgan]

I hope so. He deserves to be happy.

 

No he doesn't. He messed around with someone elses wife.

 

Everyone I suppose deserves to be happy at some point. But if someone is a party to causing pain to someone else, they definitely do NOT deserve happiness in the short term.

[Devil Inside]

Hey Prarie. That is quite the story. One I sadly identify with on many levels.

 

What stuck out to me is that you finally mustered the courage to leave your M. I think that was a huge move and I applaud you for taking the action necessary to give you and him the opportunity for a new beginning, and the chance to find someone that you can love in a pure and honest way.

 

I understand being in the triangle. Being in love with one, but still loving the other and not wanting to hurt them. In the end someone always gets hurt. I was in a 10 month A myself. In the end she left because she was convinced I didn't have the balls to leave my M. Looking back, I wouldn't have left for her...but I am still working on being sure that I can leave, and when I figure that out I am most likely gone. I admire your courage in this.

 

As for your lover. Sorry. It was painful to read that email. I could really put myself in your place and feel what must have been so painful if I had gotten a D, and then gotten this via email...ouch. He really did owe you at least a phone call. However, he did not owe you to be with you forever. Feelings change.

 

The good thing is in many ways you were ready to move on anyways. So even though I am sure you are heart broken at least you can know you made the right move because the M was essential dead. There is a book called Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. In this book she talks about the affair she had with a man she calls her Shaman Lover. She says there are these people that are in our lives to help us transition. Maybe this man was that for you. He came in and provided you with the love you needed to transition to this new stage. It is sad he probably won't be a part of your future, but he played a role in your life as it is now...for that you can appreciate him.

 

Be kind to yourself. Be sure that when you are ready you allow yourself to be open to new people. Do not sit around waiting for this man. If you are meant to be your paths will cross again. Good luck to you...and keep us updated.

[bentnotbroken]

BNB......The woman is owning up to what she has done and trying to do better......is sarcasm required?

 

To the OP.......I'm glad you have started yourself a new life, but like some others here, I think you reconsider moving to the town of your xAP.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

 

I didn't state it in a sarcastic tone. I said exactly what I meant. She is in the middle of her consequences and stating that fact doesn't imply anything other than it is and I can see that the OM will have to deal with the same thing at some point, maybe worse, maybe not. Never said she wasn't trying to do better. Shouldn't we all be?

[Passion4Life]

Well, I can certainly understand why you would all think I'm being stalkerish by moving to his town, although that didn't even occur to me as I was writing the post! I've actually spent the past year contemplating whether I would move to this place if he was not there. I have decided that I would. I want to move, to start over. That sounds like I'm kidding myself, I know, but I am the only one in this conversation fully informed of all of the factors involved and I am confident that I am doing the right thing. I will get over him... it's a big enough city that I will never see him and if I don't like it there, I'll move on.

 

And I still think he's wonderful and probably always will. Good people make mistakes and hurt each other all the time. I hurt him, he hurt me, I hurt my husband. I'm not making any excuses. What I have done is wrong on so many levels. But that doesn't make me or other man a terrible person. I've learned from this experience and I'm leaving so my husband can move on with his own life (only wish I had given him that a lot sooner) and I can move on with mine, where ever it takes me. All I can do is protect myself and do right by others in the future.

 

just curious , why did u marry ur husband if u were never in love with him ? It seems u not loving ur husband was the reason why u had no problem dragging him through & then leaving him for ur online friend .

[Devil Inside]

just curious , why did u marry ur husband if u were never in love with him ? It seems u not loving ur husband was the reason why u had no problem dragging him through & then leaving him for ur online friend .

 

This really is the million dollar question for a lot of us. I cannot answer for her, but I can say that I too got married to the wrong person. It is something that I am not proud of. We were young and pregnant, and I thought it was the right thing to do. I wish I had the courage to really think about what I was doing and how I felt about it. It is not fair to my W.

[Passion4Life]

This really is the million dollar question for a lot of us. I cannot answer for her, but I can say that I too got married to the wrong person. It is something that I am not proud of. We were young and pregnant, and I thought it was the right thing to do. I wish I had the courage to really think about what I was doing and how I felt about it. It is not fair to my W.

 

Thats definately not fair , In op's case her husband wouldn't have gone through this if she had either loved him or never married him.

[Prarie]

Thats definately not fair , In op's case her husband wouldn't have gone through this if she had either loved him or never married him.

 

I could not agree with you more. I married him because he was nice, and safe and I thought we had a lot of things in common. I never felt any sparks with him. I clearly remember thinking that that might come back to bite me but I thought I was making a smart, mature choice, because we can't have it all, right? If he'd known that, maybe he wouldn't have wanted to get married, who would? But I never shared that with him so that he would have a chance to decide. It was stupid and selfish and ten years ago and it makes me so sad.

 

In the end, his niceness turns out to be ultra-passivity and a severe conflict aversion so that all of our major decisions were mine alone. It has never felt like a true partnership. I also have realized that our general outlooks on the world are just not compatible. Politics, negative/positive attitudes, curiosity about the world, etc. He is the very same person I married and I have worked very hard not to rewrite our history.

 

Some of these things and our lack of communication could have been improved through counseling, I'm sure, but with a general lack of sexual chemistry, and no children involved, it seemed kind of pointless. And when I told him I was unhappy 18 months ago and finally asked for a divorce, he simply said that he wanted to do what I wanted. No fight, no let's work on it, no conversations or questions in the time in between. I was the one who brought up marriage and I have, even though I didn't want to, driven the bus ever since.

 

I want so much for him to be happy but I, obviously, can't help him with that.

 

I wasn't going to talk about this here because it seemed a little beside the point, but I guess I feel better having written it all down.

 

Oh, I forgot to add that two years ago, I became very ill and was pretty sure I was going to die. It was a lonely, scary time and I went into a bit of a tailspin. I went from a pretty good soul to someone who had completely lost her compass. Anyway...

Edited February 7, 2010 by Prarie

[Devil Inside]

Prarie...no point in beating yourself up now. You did the best thing for both of you..you left. I wonder if he was satisfied in the relationship or he too was unhappy...but avoiding the pain of divorce.