polksaladannie Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 My AP and I have been together for almost three years. AP refuses to do Valentines Day with me. He does not acknowledge it(eg-giving gifts or cards) nor will he accept a gift or card from me. He will celebrate other days with me(bday, Xmas and so on). He has been clear that he will not leave his wife and cites guilt as a reason he does not want to bring Vday into what we have Is anyone else going through this? I am used to it by now but his lack of interest/effort hurts my feelings
2sunny Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 he's showing you with a firm hand that love is not part of the equation. is this something you can accept? if not, i would consider ditching him...
Author polksaladannie Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 he's showing you with a firm hand that love is not part of the equation. is this something you can accept? if not, i would consider ditching him... Yeah, I kinda figured that out. Thanks for the reiteration.
2sunny Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Yeah, I kinda figured that out. Thanks for the reiteration. what do you plan to do about this?
Author polksaladannie Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 what do you plan to do about this? Are you going through this as well? I actually started the thread to see if anyone else was?
Brokenlady Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Wow. It's got to be hurtful to know that he'll celebrate and exchange gifts and loving cards with his wife that day, but refuses to acknowledge you. It sounds like he's using the holiday to remind you of "your place". Is there any emotion isvolved or is it just a physical affair for one or both of you? Since he's already acknowledged that he isn't leaving the M, and apparently wants you to know you're not on the top of his priority list, why are you with this man?
jennie-jennie Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Wow. It's got to be hurtful to know that he'll celebrate and exchange gifts and loving cards with his wife that day, but refuses to acknowledge you. It sounds like he's using the holiday to remind you of "your place". Is there any emotion isvolved or is it just a physical affair for one or both of you? Since he's already acknowledged that he isn't leaving the M, and apparently wants you to know you're not on the top of his priority list, why are you with this man? Hmm, how can you be sure he celebrates Valentine's day with his wife? A lot of men tend to forget that. Why are you trying to rub it in without knowing if this is the case here or not?
Author polksaladannie Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Wow. It's got to be hurtful to know that he'll celebrate and exchange gifts and loving cards with his wife that day, but refuses to acknowledge you. It sounds like he's using the holiday to remind you of "your place". Is there any emotion isvolved or is it just a physical affair for one or both of you? Since he's already acknowledged that he isn't leaving the M, and apparently wants you to know you're not on the top of his priority list, why are you with this man? Ok...I dont want to sound like a bitch but if the Jimmy Choo fits.....this thread is not about why I am with MM...it is about finding other people facing this issue. Are you facing this too?
pureinheart Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 My AP and I have been together for almost three years. AP refuses to do Valentines Day with me. He does not acknowledge it(eg-giving gifts or cards) nor will he accept a gift or card from me. He will celebrate other days with me(bday, Xmas and so on). He has been clear that he will not leave his wife and cites guilt as a reason he does not want to bring Vday into what we have Is anyone else going through this? I am used to it by now but his lack of interest/effort hurts my feelings Ya dealing with the same thing...even though he is exMM/SO (I think SO). He was a total as* last year and don't want to feel like that again, so let him know already my daughter and my "adopted" daughter are taking me and adopted daughters dad out to dinner. He used to be romantic, but not anymore and it hurts bad...all holidays are a disaster now...I don't think I'll be with him much longer...just biding time I think. I know this isn't exactly like your sitch, but hurt is hurt right? I've priddy much let him know I'm just about done, there's just about nothing there now.
pureinheart Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Oh now I remember what happened last Valentines Day...he started a fight with me...how convienient.... In one of the other threads a poster gave some names of some good books I ordered those and then some...I need to be done with this. It's not a question of deserving more, it's question of wanting/needing more than he will ever give. Sorry Polk what you are going through...I feel ya gf! ((((((hugggs)))))
pureinheart Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Hey Polk, in thinking, he is detached from his feelings just like mine is...man he wasn't like this before...what in F happened. Where I live, people sell bundles of flowers on the street corners and I just want to cry wishing he would do that...he used to....oh well. Polk try not to harden your heart, as I am trying not to...I hope I don't bug you with 500 replies, but this really hurts and bugs me.
Brokenlady Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Hmm, how can you be sure he celebrates Valentine's day with his wife? A lot of men tend to forget that. Why are you trying to rub it in without knowing if this is the case here or not? I was trying to express sympathy for what must be a very painful situation, certainly not trying to rub anytrhing in. It seems reasonable to assume that he celebrates with his wife - forgetting is clearly not an issue here when he's making a point of not celebrating with OP.
Brokenlady Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Ok...I dont want to sound like a bitch but if the Jimmy Choo fits.....this thread is not about why I am with MM...it is about finding other people facing this issue. Are you facing this too? Not anymore, my xMM got divorced. However, when he was still with his xW, I couldn't share holidays with him and I really couldn't buy him anything either because he would have to explain its origin. He never explicitly said he was refusing to celebrate, but I never really asked because I didn't want to hear it. I just knew what was expected of me. As far as the other stuff, I'm just wondering what you are getting out of this because you sound like you're in pain. Perhaps the good part outweighs the bad for you. I just wondered, wasn't trying to piss you off.
jwi71 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Is anyone else going through this? I am used to it by now but his lack of interest/effort hurts my feelings I'm confused. You're used to this BUT it hurts your feelings. (doesn't sound like you're used to it to me.) And if it hurts your feelings...CHANGE it. What can you do to stop the pain aside from "suck it up"?
OWoman Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 If it's important to you, and you've told him it's important to you, then ignoring it is ignoring how you feel about it. I'm not big on things like valentines day, but my H is - and so I'll go along with it because it matters to him. It's one of those compromises people make when they care for each other. (((((hugs)))))
Lizzie60 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Oops.. I just saw that this thread was started in the 'right' forum.. I copied/pasted my post from the other one.. I am personally.. probably the least 'romantic' female on this planet.. so all those 'days' are just hypocritical most of the time anyway.. I am not in love with anyone.. so I don,t see why we should 'pretend'... If his lack of efforts/interest hurts you ... then why do you stay? I don't get it.. you know he won't leave her.. move on.. Sometimes.. OWs and Ws act the exact same way... they rather stay with the jerks than leave them... because they fear they will get another woman right away.. (which is what would probably happen anyway).. big lack of confidence and self-esteem... If the A doesn't bring you happiness... great sex.. or whatever... move on... simple as that..
marlena Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 If his lack of efforts/interest hurts you ... then why do you stay? I don't get it.. you know he won't leave her.. move on.. Sometimes.. OWs and Ws act the exact same way... they rather stay with the jerks than leave them... because they fear they will get another woman right away.. (which is what would probably happen anyway).. big lack of confidence and self-esteem... If the A doesn't bring you happiness... great sex.. or whatever... move on... simple as that.. Quoted for truth..... no more, no less....a hard lesson to be learned but well worth the effort at whatever cost....
jennie-jennie Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Oops.. I just saw that this thread was started in the 'right' forum.. I copied/pasted my post from the other one.. I am personally.. probably the least 'romantic' female on this planet.. so all those 'days' are just hypocritical most of the time anyway.. I am not in love with anyone.. so I don,t see why we should 'pretend'... If his lack of efforts/interest hurts you ... then why do you stay? I don't get it.. you know he won't leave her.. move on.. Sometimes.. OWs and Ws act the exact same way... they rather stay with the jerks than leave them... because they fear they will get another woman right away.. (which is what would probably happen anyway).. big lack of confidence and self-esteem... If the A doesn't bring you happiness... great sex.. or whatever... move on... simple as that.. I don't agree with that, Lizzie, that it is as simple as that. Overall the pros might way outweigh the cons, but that does not mean that you still do not hurt.
Lizzie60 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 I don't agree with that, Lizzie, that it is as simple as that. Overall the pros might way outweigh the cons, but that does not mean that you still do not hurt. I know it's not easy.. but honestly.. what are the options? if someone is miserable.. especially in an A.. gosh.. leave... why keep torturing yourself.. I can understand to some degree... when it's a W that is sacrificing her happiness... for her kids.. but an OW... sorry .. there is nothing to understand.. except that the woman is not strong enough emotionally to leave the ba$tard..
marlena Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 (edited) except that the woman is not strong enough emotionally to leave the ba$tard.. This is IMO, is the primary reason that people put up with this sort of abuse...for have not an iota of doubt, it is abuse. Everyone, at some point in their life, falls prey to emotional weakness, such is the stuffing that we are all made from... It takes time for the empowering process to gain momentum... For each and every one of us, the time frame is different. When all is said and done, it is a lonely journey...made for eclusively for one. Edited February 7, 2010 by marlena
jennie-jennie Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Or it is a very strong woman who would rather live alone and see her loved one when she can, than not have him in her life at all, since she knows that the men who attract her are few and far between.
bentnotbroken Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Or it is a very strong woman who would rather live alone and see her loved one when she can, than not have him in her life at all, since she knows that the men who attract her are few and far between. Nope, not even close.
White Flower Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 My AP and I have been together for almost three years. AP refuses to do Valentines Day with me. He does not acknowledge it(eg-giving gifts or cards) nor will he accept a gift or card from me. He will celebrate other days with me(bday, Xmas and so on). He has been clear that he will not leave his wife and cites guilt as a reason he does not want to bring Vday into what we have Is anyone else going through this? I am used to it by now but his lack of interest/effort hurts my feelings Over 4 years with MM here. He always celebrated accordingly until last V-day when I found the day to be lacking in every way--not like previous V-days. I expressed that to him but I don't know if it will be made up for this year because we are in limbo right now. The point is, I expressed my feelings and you should too. Otherwise you'll just get more and more hurt and finally explode and he'll wonder what the h*ll happened.
jennie-jennie Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Nope, not even close. That is because you have not met me. We will just have to agree to disagree on this one.
jennie-jennie Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 (edited) Hmm, how can you be sure he celebrates Valentine's day with his wife? A lot of men tend to forget that. Why are you trying to rub it in without knowing if this is the case here or not? I was trying to express sympathy for what must be a very painful situation, certainly not trying to rub anytrhing in. It seems reasonable to assume that he celebrates with his wife - forgetting is clearly not an issue here when he's making a point of not celebrating with OP. Since some people seem to be questioning my post to you, Brokenlady, I just want to explain that the reason I was a bit harsh with you is because I know you are a very reasonable xOW and I usually find your posts very interesting, which you know since I have told you so before. So I thought OW to OW it would be okay for me to question you. I hope I did not make a misjudgment. I hope we are fine? Edited February 8, 2010 by jennie-jennie
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