The end of a friendship. Irrational anger = just being mad at yourself?

[Stockalone]

I am wondering if when you are angry and can’t make much sense of why you are angry, is it possible that we are just being mad at ourselves?

 

What makes me say that? I met a woman online and had been talking to her for over a year and we had developed a friendship. We got along quite well until there was an incident we disagreed about and I ended up doing something that violated her trust.

 

I was afraid that this would end our friendship, and that is exactly what happened. We both said a few things that weren’t very nice. That was three months ago, but I still have conflicting emotions.

 

I understand why she no longer wants to talk to me. But at the same time, I get sad and angry sometimes that she did choose to end the friendship. There is no rational reason to be angry at her though, she did what she thought was best and it makes sense from her POV.

 

So why do I have that irrational anger? I don’t understand it. I knew (or I thought I knew) what would happen, shouldn’t I be able to deal with this better?

 

Maybe it is my guilty conscience and I am just angry at myself? I don’t know anymore. I knew she would no longer talk to me, but I didn’t think about the possibility that I could hurt her feelings. I do feel guilty for that, because violating her trust did hurt her feelings. And that wasn’t my intention at all and I am truly sorry.

 

 

So, what do you think? Irrational anger = just being mad at yourself. True or false?

 

Opinions about my situation are welcome, but I am also interested to hear opinions about whether you think this is generally true or false, it could apply to friendships, relationships, or any number of other situations.

 

And has anyone else had irrational anger issues? If so, how did you deal with it?

[amerikajin]

I am wondering if when you are angry and can’t make much sense of why you are angry, is it possible that we are just being mad at ourselves?

 

What makes me say that? I met a woman online and had been talking to her for over a year and we had developed a friendship. We got along quite well until there was an incident we disagreed about and I ended up doing something that violated her trust.

 

I was afraid that this would end our friendship, and that is exactly what happened. We both said a few things that weren’t very nice. That was three months ago, but I still have conflicting emotions.

 

I understand why she no longer wants to talk to me. But at the same time, I get sad and angry sometimes that she did choose to end the friendship. There is no rational reason to be angry at her though, she did what she thought was best and it makes sense from her POV.

 

So why do I have that irrational anger? I don’t understand it. I knew (or I thought I knew) what would happen, shouldn’t I be able to deal with this better?

 

Maybe it is my guilty conscience and I am just angry at myself? I don’t know anymore. I knew she would no longer talk to me, but I didn’t think about the possibility that I could hurt her feelings. I do feel guilty for that, because violating her trust did hurt her feelings. And that wasn’t my intention at all and I am truly sorry.

 

 

So, what do you think? Irrational anger = just being mad at yourself. True or false?

 

Opinions about my situation are welcome, but I am also interested to hear opinions about whether you think this is generally true or false, it could apply to friendships, relationships, or any number of other situations.

 

And has anyone else had irrational anger issues? If so, how did you deal with it?

 

In a way, yes, people who get disproportionately angry are often living with residual anger about things. I don't know if I would call at anger at one's self, but they're walking around with fears, insecurities, frustrations, and negative emotions and then something triggers an outburst. People who are well-adjusted would just maybe make it a point to disagree with the person or argue with them but they wouldn't let it get beyond that point; however, when someone's already feeling injured, the response is to lash out - often without thinking.

[ella23]

I am wondering if when you are angry and can’t make much sense of why you are angry, is it possible that we are just being mad at ourselves?

 

What makes me say that? I met a woman online and had been talking to her for over a year and we had developed a friendship. We got along quite well until there was an incident we disagreed about and I ended up doing something that violated her trust.

 

I was afraid that this would end our friendship, and that is exactly what happened. We both said a few things that weren’t very nice. That was three months ago, but I still have conflicting emotions.

 

I understand why she no longer wants to talk to me. But at the same time, I get sad and angry sometimes that she did choose to end the friendship. There is no rational reason to be angry at her though, she did what she thought was best and it makes sense from her POV.

 

So why do I have that irrational anger? I don’t understand it. I knew (or I thought I knew) what would happen, shouldn’t I be able to deal with this better?

 

Maybe it is my guilty conscience and I am just angry at myself? I don’t know anymore. I knew she would no longer talk to me, but I didn’t think about the possibility that I could hurt her feelings. I do feel guilty for that, because violating her trust did hurt her feelings. And that wasn’t my intention at all and I am truly sorry.

 

 

So, what do you think? Irrational anger = just being mad at yourself. True or false?

 

Opinions about my situation are welcome, but I am also interested to hear opinions about whether you think this is generally true or false, it could apply to friendships, relationships, or any number of other situations.

 

And has anyone else had irrational anger issues? If so, how did you deal with it?

 

It is true in a way. I get pretty emotional and irrationally angry about a lot of things when it comes to friendships and relationships. A lot of times I myself am to blame and I probably just get frustrated that I didn't do things differently. I find it hard to deal with. Even knowing that my anger is not rational doesn't seem to make any difference.

[Ronni_W]

It could be what you said -- guilt for having (unintentionally) hurt her, anger for same, sadness for same; grief over the loss of the friendship.

 

And maybe also pissed off at her for not being able to forgive you, for her lack of understanding, for not trying harder to work through it for the sake of the friendship, for being too rigid in her thinking and not wanting to find a middle ground. (Not that you're thinking she "owes" you forgiveness or understanding or whatever, just that it's a piss-off that she didn't value the friendship enough to try harder.)

 

It could be a combination of any and all those things.

[Stockalone]

In a way, yes, people who get disproportionately angry are often living with residual anger about things. I don't know if I would call at anger at one's self, but they're walking around with fears, insecurities, frustrations, and negative emotions and then something triggers an outburst. People who are well-adjusted would just maybe make it a point to disagree with the person or argue with them but they wouldn't let it get beyond that point; however, when someone's already feeling injured, the response is to lash out - often without thinking.

 

You do have a point. However, I would draw a distinction.

 

People can get disproportionately angry at things that are not related to the root cause of the "original" anger.

 

And on the other hand, you can lash out (overreact) in specific situations that make you angry.

 

 

It is true in a way. I get pretty emotional and irrationally angry about a lot of things when it comes to friendships and relationships. A lot of times I myself am to blame and I probably just get frustrated that I didn't do things differently. I find it hard to deal with. Even knowing that my anger is not rational doesn't seem to make any difference.

 

I can understand that. In my case, the greater the amount of emotions that I have invested, the greater the potential to feel hurt and angry. Be it either that things don't work out in the end or if the "value" (importance) of the friendship/relationship is apparently perceived quite differently.

 

 

It could be what you said -- guilt for having (unintentionally) hurt her, anger for same, sadness for same; grief over the loss of the friendship.

 

And maybe also pissed off at her for not being able to forgive you, for her lack of understanding, for not trying harder to work through it for the sake of the friendship, for being too rigid in her thinking and not wanting to find a middle ground. (Not that you're thinking she "owes" you forgiveness or understanding or whatever, just that it's a piss-off that she didn't value the friendship enough to try harder.)

 

It could be a combination of any and all those things.

 

I agree, there are a myriad of potential reasons. I guess that is, to some extent, what makes it difficult for me to pinpoint the exact reason.

 

But you might be on to something there. I can see why she doesn't want to continue the friendship. I don't blame her for being rigid, although I do think she is being stubborn. But I actually like that about her and I can be one stubborn SOB myself.

 

I also had a crush on her earlier in the friendship, so she probably had doubts about my motives and figured it would not be worth it, that it would be just too much hassle.

 

Reading between the lines, it became clear that for her, the friendship was not worth continuing because it was doing her more harm than good. That's not something I took very well. I felt that I was put firmly in my place, and that it send a pretty clear message as to the importance of the friendship, and subsequently myself.

 

That said, there are obviously plenty of things I did wrong. There was the crush, then I pushed an issue when she didn't want to deal with it. Hurt pride certainly played a role there, maybe not just for me, but for her as well.

 

There are also other reasons why I am angry at myself. I hardly ever form new friendships; I usually don't let people get close and rather keep it at an acquaintance level. And I don't have female friends.

 

I made an exception in both cases, because it not only seemed to be the right thing to do, but also because she made me doubt my thinking.

 

But, treating someone I met online like a friend that I have known for decades in real life was not a good idea. I think it created expectations (intimacy, trust, etc.) that were unreasonable and unfair.

 

We both went out on a limb and ended up with hurt feelings, and that is just sad and unnecessary. And I hate that for the most part, I am responsible. I'll also admit that I am very reluctant to just put that experience in a box, stow it away in my mind, then moving on and not looking back like I often do.