Breakup

[jen_r]

I've been searching all over the internet looking for answers and I don't know where else to turn. ANY advice from you, being someone on the outside looking it, will be greatly appreciated.

 

My boyfriend of 2 yrs broke up with me on Tuesday. And on Wednesday I quit my job (just a stupid waitressing job, nothing major), packed my clothes and went to my parents house. We have been breaking up for the past few months off and on, but ultimately getting back together. This time- it seems final.

The major problem between us is that I am not family oriented. He is SUPER close with his family, and while I am close with mine - they are not involved in every aspect of my life. His family liked me in the begining, but now they hate me and are very vocal to my bf about how they do not want him to be with me - I'm not the right girl for him.

He says I'm too irresponsible and need to grow up because my parents spoil me too much. I'm 25, I realize that they spoil me and that it is not healthy for me in the long run, but it is all i've ever known. But since meeting my bf, I've enrolled in college and picked a career to better myself so that we had a good future together. With school being so time consuming, I can only work part-time. He says that I don't help out enough. I pay for groceries, electric, heat & cable. I would say that is helping out ALOT.

Yesterday I drove to our apartment and waited for him to get out of work. He did not know I was coming. Stupid, I know. I know. He says "You shouldn't have come here. You need to accept that this is happening. I've made my decision, this is whats best for me. You need to go and take time to get over it. You'll be okay. This is what I need, I can't be in a relationship with you anymore." Needless to say, I was in tears. Looking at him wondering how he could say these things to me as I am crying to him in pain. Only wanting him to hug me. He says "you need to go, I have people coming over." Yeah great, good for you - so I left.

I'm willing to change (even though he's heard me say this before) everything! I realize we need seperate lives. He needs to be able to go out with his friends & family when he wants to, as much as he wants to. And I should do the same. I realize I've smothered him.

Do you think there is any chance he will realize that this is not the right thing to do? How can I get him back? I tried asking him to just take a break from me and see if this is really what he wants. He said "I dont want to string you along, calling this a break, when the end result is going to be me telling you that I still want to end this."

 

I am beyond heartbroken. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man. I adore him. I adore our time together. I just lost the love of my life and I can't believe how painful it is.

 

Sorry for the rant...

Edited February 6, 2010 by jen_r

[curiousnycgirl]

I think that as painful as it is, you must do as he says. Go full no contact and focus on YOU. Heal yourself.

 

I don't understand why you would be willing to change everything. What is wrong with you that you feel you need to change? Just for HIM? Why? If there are things about you you want to change for YOU - then ok, go for it. But not for him.

 

In the end it sounds like you will realize that you two probably were not meant to be together. I know it hurts, and know it sux. Trust me I'm there too. My b/f of 5.5 years and I have not spoken since December 1st. I cried and cried and cried. But at this point I can honestly say it does get better. I'm not doing cartwheels or anything, but I am crying less and I call that progress.

 

We are here for you - but most importan you need to be there for yourself. You are worth it, just the way you are!

[jen_r]

I want to change for us, because I realize the things I have been doing wrong.

 

Did you break up with your b/f or did he break up with you?

How did you cut off all contact? How do you go from seeing/talking to the person you love everyday to nothing at all. I don't understand how I'm supposed to just stop loving this person who means the world to me.

[jen_r]

I want to change for us, because I realize the things I have been doing wrong.

 

Did you break up with your b/f or did he break up with you?

How did you cut off all contact? How do you go from seeing/talking to the person you love everyday to nothing at all. I don't understand how I'm supposed to just stop loving this person who means the world to me.

[curiousnycgirl]

He would say I broke up with him, I would say he pushed me away - in the end it was me who said I can't take this anymore.

 

If you stalker button me you'll see a lot of posts asking the same questions you are asking. How do you go from being best friends to total radio silence, etc. Truth is you just do. And it sux - every stinking moment just sux.

 

However I know that I would still be a blubbering crying idiot if I hadn't gone full no contact immediately. I know that if I spoke with him I would keep hope alive that things could be fixed. Truth is they cannot be fixed unless he learns what it means to be part of a relationship and decides that he wants that.

 

One interesting thing that I thought about a lot in the beginning is was I upset that I lost him, or upset at losing the him I had hoped he would be. Because reality is you can't change someone. I finally realized that I loved the him I met and had for the first three years or so of the relationship - but the he that he became was not someone I liked at all.

 

I thought about that when I read your post. If you do all this changing - what makes you think your ex will love you more? Clearly he liked/loved YOU, the who YOU are now - what makes you think he'll even like what you change into?

 

Please stay strong, not for him but for YOU. You are doing some amazing things (like going to school) and have such opportunity ahead of you - be open to all that. Don't let this guy drag you down or hold you back.

 

We're here for you.