Cruelty

[Len]

Hi, I wrote a thread a while ago about seeing my ex for the first time in about ten years, the answers were most appreciated but I am still wondering about things. I know it achieves nothing, especially after all this time but I would once again like some insight. My exs character interests me and I have always wanted to understand more. I would like to decribe my ex to you.

 

Good points.

 

She was great to be around. She was absolutely beautiful, had a huge personality, was aways bringing me home little gifts, always insisted on getting up before me to pack my lunch for work etc. She was also kind, caring and generous to all, not just me. She spoilt me rotten (as I did her) and my brother once said to me there isn't a man alive who wouldn't give his right arm to be in your shoes.

 

Bad points.

 

She was very emotoinal. She would often cry if I didnt eat the dinner she cooked or cry if I didn't go to bed the same time as her. Sometimes she would cry if I was ill or in pain.

 

She could never be alone, not even for an hour.

 

She was very jealous and I was often accused of affairs, even with her step mother. She could also be so jealous that she would get upset because her 10 year old sister got to sit on her dads knee whilst she did not (she was 27 at the time).

 

She would often accuse me of things I hadn't done and tell me I said things I never said.

 

She would also insist on telling me what I was thinking or feeling. For example I could be sitting quietly and she would start telling me I was angry or depressed. I soon realised that meant she felt those things and give her a cuddle. In fact a cuddle and a little reassurance cured most things, except when she was drunk, she was a nightmare drunk. I hated to see her cry but it did get very tiring over the years.

 

The biggest problem was that she could be very cruel and if you did something to upset her she will never forgive.

 

For example we bought a pup. She loved it, adored it and smothered it with love and affection. It caused a few arguments because she refused to discipline it and I knew we would end up with a badly behaved dog. If I tried to discipline it she would glare at me as if I was abusing the pup. Oneday the pup nipped her, just a playful nip, didn't even break the skin but from that day onward she refused to touch the animal again. It would sit there whining, begging and pleading for some attention but she ignored it. She would feed it but never touch it or talk to it. I must admit this made me furious and it scarred the dog for life.

 

Of course this is what she did to me too. She left when I fell ill and afterwards I realised I had become totally dependant on her. I had lost touch with all my friends, I no longer spoke to women and I had lost a lot of confidence. My illness went away almost immediately and I realised it was all stress related.

 

I know her childhood and what made her like this but what I don't know and what I have always wanted to know is if she is cruel on purpose and does she get pleasure from it? Or does she not understand the harm she does?

 

I must admit when she left she tore into me and poured scorn over every part of my character. I was at my lowest at the time and looked up to see her smirking. I have never forgotten that smirk. Has anyone ever experienced something like this before?

 

Thankyou for your time and I apologise if this is not in the correct forum.

[Eve]

Dont know.. I just think that some people use relationships as a form of self attention. The part about you becoming dependant on the good times was the key for the other person here methinks. I would say that people need to establish routines sometimes so that they can make accurate predictions about their environment. What better way than to create an emotional dance for the other person to follow?

 

Also I think some people are attuned to learning only from the negative side of life. Basically they focus on whining about this or that rather than looking at potential for good in things and others. In my experience they can only break free from this cycle when they realise who (subconsciously) they are talking to. Most of the time they are talking to themelves for one reason or another.

 

What amazes me is that the partner/s of persons as such buy into it so deeply! But I am quite cold when it comes to mind games.. and so I dont think I am that much fun to try and catch ..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[freestyle]

Hey Len........

 

I'd like to recommend a book to you.

 

Controlling People by Patricia Evans. Much of what you described about your exes behavior is explained in it, it may give you some understanding an insight. ($15 well-spent, IMO)

 

Especially when you said she would try to 'tell you" "how you're really feeling"......

 

That's an attempt to define you, put you in a box that she alone was qualified to label.

 

That particular dynamic is described in-depth in the book.It was quite an eye-opener, as I have had similar experiences with people trying to define me, and put words in my mouth.(rather than allow me to speak my own mind)

[Len]

Thankyou Freestyle, I shall look into that.

 

Its funny, I have never looked too deep into things before, always tried to keep life simple and just get on with it so during the relationship I never thought about things much. I never really felt controlled, I would just give her a cuddle and tell her I love her and that everything was going to be ok. Looking back a she had to do was have all tear in her eye and I would do whatever she wanted.

 

In fact she was the one who accused me of being controlling. I guess I was too, for example I was always trying to get her to fuss the pup again and I did try to keep her away from drink, she had a problem with that. It was certainly never my intention to make her unhappy though, I found it hard to forgive myself when she told me she was unhappy.

 

I think I will buy that book and see who was controling who. I always thought she was a good girl at heart, but that smirk and some other things I found out left me wondering.

 

Also thankyou Eve, she certainly liked her attention, I loved watching her charm a room full of people. As for mind games I don't even know when they are happening.

Edited February 6, 2010 by Len