nes9 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Well, I'm just another one of the many living examples that dating a long time close friend of yours will most often work out for the worst. After 2 long years of platonic friendship, (I didn't want it platonic. I was just too much of a pussy to walk away from her) the girl of my dreams and I finally started dating. After 11 months of emotional attachment, my girlfriend breaks up with and claims, "she just didn't love me the way I loved her, which was unfair (for me)." Now not only have I lost my girlfriend, I've most likely lost one of my best friends. It sucks. It's terrible and I feel like total ****. Like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar, "I feel like I've slipped into the seventh circle of hell."
Winger6 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 My ex said that same very thing. It hurts like hell. We were never friends before our relationship, but she did say that same thing. I thought the fact that she said it was "unfair to me" was irrelevant. Isn't that up to me to decide? (as well as you in your case?) I think the real thing here is that there are some underlying motives at play, ones that she just isn't telling you because she doesn't want to hurt you further. Thats just my take. I don't think it's healthy to assume outright like that without any basis, but I'm just commenting from my experience.
WTRanger Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Don't you see that this was doomed no matter what happened? Would you rather have never dated her and always followed her around like a little puppy dog? If she doesn't feel the same way about you as you do her, yes it is unfair to you for her to stick around hoping that one day she may get struck by cupid's arrow. That is clearly not a healthy relationship, so why prolong it? This has to be printed in bold somewhere on this site. Once you start developing feelings for someone, the friendship is over at that very point so you might as well just go forward. And if you truly were "friends" then it will survive this and you will become closer for having gone through this.
carhill Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 OP, I'm unclear; is this a pattern for you? If so, it's up to you to break it. I had a similar pattern when younger; it took getting married to break it. There are no signs of it now. The clarity will result from identifying, within the friendship, whether she was merely accepting of your love and attraction or was it really a mutual thing, even at the friendship level. Was there balance? You might be surprised by what you find. In any event, no contact will help you heal. If there was a true balanced friendship at any level, that healing will facilitate continuing the friendship at some later date.
Author nes9 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 OP, I'm unclear; is this a pattern for you? If so, it's up to you to break it. I had a similar pattern when younger; it took getting married to break it. There are no signs of it now. The clarity will result from identifying, within the friendship, whether she was merely accepting of your love and attraction or was it really a mutual thing, even at the friendship level. Was there balance? You might be surprised by what you find. In any event, no contact will help you heal. If there was a true balanced friendship at any level, that healing will facilitate continuing the friendship at some later date. Haha I forgot about that post. That post was with the same girl. And no this breakup had nothing to do with me getting drunk and saying mean things. I don't even drink very often anymore. This legitimately just wasn't working for her I guess. She is a very indecisive girl and flip flops back and forth between what she wants not only with relationships but with what she wants to do with her life. Every day she seems to want to travel somewhere new or she has a different career idea. I'm also sort of confused about what you're trying to say in your post....
Author nes9 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 Don't you see that this was doomed no matter what happened? Would you rather have never dated her and always followed her around like a little puppy dog? If she doesn't feel the same way about you as you do her, yes it is unfair to you for her to stick around hoping that one day she may get struck by cupid's arrow. That is clearly not a healthy relationship, so why prolong it? This has to be printed in bold somewhere on this site. Once you start developing feelings for someone, the friendship is over at that very point so you might as well just go forward. And if you truly were "friends" then it will survive this and you will become closer for having gone through this. I have always known our "friendship" was doomed. I have accepted we will no longer be close friends, I just posted this to express my feelings this morning. I definitely learned my mistake with her and will NEVER make it again. Don't become close "friends" with a girl unless you legitimately have no attraction to her. If you're attracted to a girl, pursuing her and nothing happens past platonic hangouts, make a move or get the hell out.
bananaboat11 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Once, long ago... I was secretly in love w/ one of my best friends. she was everything a woman could be... or a girl, rather. the few who knew my true feelings told me I'd never know unless I try... let's just say... I don't hang out with those girls anymore. I made the situation too awkward for her
WTRanger Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Haha I forgot about that post. That post was with the same girl. And no this breakup had nothing to do with me getting drunk and saying mean things. I don't even drink very often anymore. This legitimately just wasn't working for her I guess. She is a very indecisive girl and flip flops back and forth between what she wants not only with relationships but with what she wants to do with her life. Every day she seems to want to travel somewhere new or she has a different career idea. I'm also sort of confused about what you're trying to say in your post.... I think what he is saying is that you need to really look back and see if she truly wanted to be around you, because it was you, or if she wanted to be around you for your attention you gave her. There is a HUGE difference between the two. Not fully understanding the difference leads to confusing states in your life, such as this. Believe me, I'm trying to untangle myself after a year. Put it this way. I have no strong thoughts about Taco Bell, I'm very neutral about them. I think the food is substandard but sometimes tasty. I would never, ever go anymore than 2 feet out of my way to get Taco Bell. That being said, if they start offering free burritos every Tuesday I'll be there. Not because I all of a sudden like Taco Bell, but it's free food that somewhat tastes good and it makes be feel a bit better.
WTRanger Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I have always known our "friendship" was doomed. I have accepted we will no longer be close friends, I just posted this to express my feelings this morning. I definitely learned my mistake with her and will NEVER make it again. Don't become close "friends" with a girl unless you legitimately have no attraction to her. If you're attracted to a girl, pursuing her and nothing happens past platonic hangouts, make a move or get the hell out. Impossible statement. To even want to be friends with a girl, you've got to at least be attracted to her on some level, and the two of you need to at least have some things in common. Who we pick as friends and/or lovers follows the same rules of attraction. We can deny it all we want, but sexual attraction plays a large role in who we seek out.
Author nes9 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 Impossible statement. To even want to be friends with a girl, you've got to at least be attracted to her on some level, and the two of you need to at least have some things in common. Who we pick as friends and/or lovers follows the same rules of attraction. We can deny it all we want, but sexual attraction plays a large role in who we seek out. Haha touche.
Author nes9 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 I think what he is saying is that you need to really look back and see if she truly wanted to be around you, because it was you, or if she wanted to be around you for your attention you gave her. There is a HUGE difference between the two. Not fully understanding the difference leads to confusing states in your life, such as this. Believe me, I'm trying to untangle myself after a year. Put it this way. I have no strong thoughts about Taco Bell, I'm very neutral about them. I think the food is substandard but sometimes tasty. I would never, ever go anymore than 2 feet out of my way to get Taco Bell. That being said, if they start offering free burritos every Tuesday I'll be there. Not because I all of a sudden like Taco Bell, but it's free food that somewhat tastes good and it makes be feel a bit better. Very good point. I think she truly wanted to be around me. If she only wanted to be around me for my attention, she would not have wanted to have sex with me so frequently..... no? If she only liked my attention, one would think we never would have started dating in the first place. Just my thoughts anyway.
WTRanger Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 True, but you are not looking at it objectively and looking for all of the good times. Look back in 6 months time, you might see things differently. It was a rough spot, but you did the best thing and that was to just go for it. As said before, no matter what you were going to lose this girl. Either the feelings or the jealousy was going to drive you to do something you would have regretted, just judging from the other post about this girl. Focus on yourself for now, heal up, and get back on the bicycle.
carhill Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 (edited) Ranger, love the food analogy and you were spot-on. Those bean burritos taste great and keep me regular OP, reading your past postings about this woman, I feel a dearth of balanced relationship/friendship. Am I missing something? During the time prior to her leaving her relationship and 'hooking up' with you, did she proactively support your life and times, take an interest in your romantic success with others and goals you had set for yourself? These are a few examples of the dynamics which exist in a balanced friendship. Oh, also, wrt the 'drunken blackout' where unkind words were purportedly said, absent corroboration from trusted sources, she could've just made it up to serve her own purposes. Yes, that's cynical, but a cynicism borne of experience. We need only to look to the current thread regarding Phoebe Prince's death to know that people 'make things up', like some of the female bullies in that circumstance. Edited February 6, 2010 by carhill
Author nes9 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Ranger, love the food analogy and you were spot-on. Those bean burritos taste great and keep me regular OP, reading your past postings about this woman, I feel a dearth of balanced relationship/friendship. Am I missing something? During the time prior to her leaving her relationship and 'hooking up' with you, did she proactively support your life and times, take an interest in your romantic success with others and goals you had set for yourself? These are a few examples of the dynamics which exist in a balanced friendship. Oh, also, wrt the 'drunken blackout' where unkind words were purportedly said, absent corroboration from trusted sources, she could've just made it up to serve her own purposes. Yes, that's cynical, but a cynicism borne of experience. We need only to look to the current thread regarding Phoebe Prince's death to know that people 'make things up', like some of the female bullies in that circumstance. Before she left her relationship and hooked up with me, she did take an interest in my romantic success with others, goals, etcetera. But, she would get extremely jealous when I would speak of hooking up with another girl and get noticeably hurt and angry over it. It was times like these when I suspected she didn't perhaps want me to merely be her friend. As for my status right now, I am healing better than I thought I would 24+ hours after the break up. I'm confident I will get through this in the not so distant future and be ready to meet other girls.
carhill Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 If what you say is accurate, it ain't over yet, which is not to say what will occur will be healthy. Best wishes with the healing
Lizzie60 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Well, I'm just another one of the many living examples that dating a long time close friend of yours will most often work out for the worst. After 2 long years of platonic friendship, (I didn't want it platonic. I was just too much of a pussy to walk away from her) the girl of my dreams and I finally started dating. After 11 months of emotional attachment, my girlfriend breaks up with and claims, "she just didn't love me the way I loved her, which was unfair (for me)." Now not only have I lost my girlfriend, I've most likely lost one of my best friends. It sucks. It's terrible and I feel like total ****. Like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar, "I feel like I've slipped into the seventh circle of hell." The only difference between your 'experience' and a long-term M is that you were long-time friends before... while a long-term M ... partners become close friends after... but both have the same 'ending'... (yours reached an 'end' quicker, that's about the only difference)..
Author nes9 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 If what you say is accurate, it ain't over yet, which is not to say what will occur will be healthy. Best wishes with the healing What exactly do you mean?
Author nes9 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 The only difference between your 'experience' and a long-term M is that you were long-time friends before... while a long-term M ... partners become close friends after... but both have the same 'ending'... (yours reached an 'end' quicker, that's about the only difference).. Long term M??
carhill Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 What exactly do you mean? She'll be back Long term M I think Lizzie meant 'long term marriage' where the partners do not have a friendship prior to romance but rather develop a friendship concurrent with that romance. She can correct as appropriate.
Lizzie60 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 yes.. I meant long term marriage... or common-law the ending results are the same...
Author nes9 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 She'll be back Ugh. I hope not. Not after I've fully recovered anyway. I would have to finally put my foot down and tell her no...... which would be veeeeeeery hard for me to do. She broke up with me Friday. I was surprisingly fine yesterday and got overly optimistic with my recovery. Feeling lower than ever today.
carhill Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Yes, this yo-yo feeling can go on for quite some time. If you maintain NC and heal, there's a really good chance that she will appear again or in some way attempt to contact you. That's not sinister; it's human. Since she 'broke up' with you and told you she 'never loved you *that* way', she's either emotionally disconnected or lying. If the former, contacting you will have little meaning for her; just something to do or, if her personality runs to the borderline area, using you to feed her ego if whomever she's replaced you with isn't going so well. If she's lying, she's afraid of a deeper relationship or has psychological block/issue to deal with. She may not be able to help herself and will contact you at a particularly vulnerable moment. IMO, silence will be the healthiest resolution but IME silence is a very rare thing
Author nes9 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Yes, this yo-yo feeling can go on for quite some time. If you maintain NC and heal, there's a really good chance that she will appear again or in some way attempt to contact you. That's not sinister; it's human. Since she 'broke up' with you and told you she 'never loved you *that* way', she's either emotionally disconnected or lying. If the former, contacting you will have little meaning for her; just something to do or, if her personality runs to the borderline area, using you to feed her ego if whomever she's replaced you with isn't going so well. If she's lying, she's afraid of a deeper relationship or has psychological block/issue to deal with. She may not be able to help herself and will contact you at a particularly vulnerable moment. IMO, silence will be the healthiest resolution but IME silence is a very rare thing I really appreciate your advice and support. She has had a few boyfriends before me, all lasting under a year. She broke up with all of them. Like I said, she is extremely indecisive and always gets "wrestless." Part of me thinks after about 6 months in a relationship she gets "cold feet" so to speak and bails.
carhill Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Google 'commitment phobia' and see if any of those symptoms apply to your understanding of your dynamic and her breaking up with you. It won't 'fix' anything but perhaps can help you learn more for future relationships.
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