Eisenhower Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 (edited) Anyone who's read my story knows my ex and I broke up last April because she said she couldn't be in a relationship while she was still trying to sort her life out after divorce. Broke my heart because I loved her and her two little children very much. I initially wanted no contact but eventually after running into each other we started talking again and I kept bringing up trying again when she was in a better place. She would never say yes, but never say no either ... just wanted to wait and see. Well, after months of this, I found out in Oct she was with another guy and when I asked her, she straight up lied about it saying she wasn't with anyone. I went no contact again as I smelled a rat. Sure enough, I confirmed right before Christmas she was with not just someone but a coworker (we all work at the same place). I let her know by e-mail that I knew the whole truth and how she'd lied to me and strung me along. I have no reason to believe the relationship started while we were together or even soon after, but I can't tolerate the bread crumbs followed by lying to the man who gave so much to her and her children. Unforgiveable in my book. Being that it's only about 8 weeks since I found out who she was with, it still hurts like hell, and it being at work makes it torture. But I talked with someone today who knows both of them and some things make more sense now. First, a continual source of stress in our relationship was that I wanted to move one day from this state, but she's a native and loves it here. I just came 6 years ago for the job. She feels she can never leave here or her family. I always felt that one day she'd grow up and see there was more to the world and that moving didn't mean not seeing your family, so I never said, "OK, I'll stay here" - I just would say we'd cross that bridge when we come to it - we'd figure it out. I know this really bothered her though. Well, the guy she's with is from here and will never leave the state or probably the job for that matter. Big point for him in her eyes. Second, she had a wild past that caused me a lot of stress as I'd never been with a girl who'd done stuff like that - Girls Gone Wild, a three-way with her husband, liked strip clubs, having sex at a young age, etc. I never tried to make her feel bad, but it did bother me because it was so unlike the quiet, conservative image she puts up. Well, the new guy is pretty wild himself, tattoos, strippers, party guy. I'm sure he'd never sweat her past and probably get off on it. Big point for him. Third, his prior long term relationship was with a girl from work who had two kids. I'm sure to her, this is what sealed the deal - he's clearly cool with raising her kids like they were his own. I would have been too though and she knew that, so that's a draw. My point is, it freaked me out at first because he and I look a lot alike. And my ex and I both agreed we had a sex life that was the best either had ever had, so I knew it wasn't physical. But now, it really makes sense to me a little more. We went down hill immediately after her Dad died. She changed. Said she didn't know who she was or if she was making the right choices (meaning me, I suppose.). The way I figure it, her Dad's death drove home the point to her that she would never leave here - she grasped tighter to her roots here and mentally checked out from loving me because I might leave. Then, here's a guy who looks like me, will never leave, loves kids and is a wilder version of me, more like her. Hell, on paper, I don't blame her for wanting to be with him instead of me. Sorry so long, but it sort of helps me to work it out in writing. I still ache for her, even though I would never be with her after her lying and manipulating me. I don't know if she wanted to leave a door open with me or was just too gutless to tell me she was with someone else, but at least now the picture of why makes a little more sense. I've never felt pain like this in my life, but hopefully, if I can just get another job and move away from this I can start getting her out of sight and out of mind. I have nothing against the new guy - by all accounts, he's a nice guy. I must say though, my feelings for her range from contempt to hatred to aching love. It's the worst feeling in the world to know someone you love, who once swore you were the light of her life is with someone else, telling him the same things. I guess that's the risk we take every time we go out on that limb. Thanks for listening. Eisenhower Edited February 6, 2010 by Eisenhower
jerrytodd Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Our situations sound identical and I sympathize with you. I am almost certain that my ex is with her hubby which I would be OK with if she had been honest with me about regrets etc. I would also not put it past her to go on a wild fling next weekend just to hurt herself for how she behaves. And I said that correctly, hurting herself. I realize that she has such terrible demons under her conservative exterior about her wild past. I have seen her break down badly about them then blow them off - she has an amazing ability to turn off thinking and wondered why I couldnt as well. But when she is down on herself she becomes more self destructive. The spiral will continue,. So being out is good I suppose, hurts like hell and I will miss the sex. I also will miss the friendship. A friend passed away last week and I was upset at work and told her. She was sympathetic but I looked in those big green eyes and it was like a stranger was comforting me. Very very sad.
Author Eisenhower Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 I know what you mean, man. She was the most affectionate, nurturing girl when she was high on me for say the first year. But after her Dad died and she changed, it was like a different person and when I looked in her big green eyes, I saw nothing. I think it's going to be hard for me to trust again after seeing someone flip a switch on me like that.
name witheld Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I think we can all take something from this. It looks like perhaps this other guy showed her that the two of you are not that well suited. They may, or may not be - who knows? But whatever happens it will allow you to find somebody better. Also I think its a good example, she lied about not seeing anybody. For whatever reason. It seems that in most cases there is another guy involved somewhere.
Author Eisenhower Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 Not that it makes any difference, but I don't think the other guy was the reason we broke up. We actually broke up for a couple days in February then quickly got back together - she was just melting down. She'd been working with this guy for the entirity of our relationship, so there was plenty of opportunity for her to like him but she was totally loyal and hung up on me while we were together. I think after she broke up with me in April, she really didn't want to be in a relationship but eventually either he started working on her (after hearing we weren't together) or whatever, but they eventually got together ... sometime around September I suspect - 4-5 months later. Judging from our contact during this time, I don't think it happened before that. Either way, she's clearly involved now, and lied about it when I found out. So it's over for good. It just amazes me how we can want something/someone we know isn't even right for us. That's the irrational nature of love I guess. Eisenhower
jerrytodd Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Not that it makes any difference, but I don't think the other guy was the reason we broke up. We actually broke up for a couple days in February then quickly got back together - she was just melting down. She'd been working with this guy for the entirity of our relationship, so there was plenty of opportunity for her to like him but she was totally loyal and hung up on me while we were together. I think after she broke up with me in April, she really didn't want to be in a relationship but eventually either he started working on her (after hearing we weren't together) or whatever, but they eventually got together ... sometime around September I suspect - 4-5 months later. Judging from our contact during this time, I don't think it happened before that. Either way, she's clearly involved now, and lied about it when I found out. So it's over for good. It just amazes me how we can want something/someone we know isn't even right for us. That's the irrational nature of love I guess. Eisenhower Its so damned hard to just give it up. I equated it to heroin with my ex-GF. She said she wont let anyone else fall for her like I did and apparently everyone else. I said "you are like heroin, there are no safe amounts of it". And unfortunately I have to see my dealer every damned day. And she wont give me any heroin. It felt so good to be in love with her - just like never before. And it was a fully 20 months of it. Passion in every way, just couldnt be apart. That was so amazing. And now I am in withdrawl. And I know now that it isnt right for me. I just need you folks to keep telling me that!
Author Eisenhower Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Damn, it sounds like we were with the same girl! I feel exactly the same way. Not only was I addicted to her, now I know someone else is enjoying what I'm not getting and it kills me! Eisenhower
jerrytodd Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Its good though with the help of a small amount of time, some good posts here and being reflective about what I really wanted (a lot of thinking) I am getting through it. Knowing now that there was no long term future possible for a number of reasons, and with the breakup, that I wouldnt trust her, is easier. But I hate x 100000 the idea of her with someone else. Just kills me. She needs to give me the NC I need.
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