kis Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I read about affiars that go on for years on this forum all the time which is a little odd because i have read so many other forums where it seams everyone is so sure that you will always get caught if you choose to have an affiar. I must say i believe people have affiars all the time and never get caught. But was just wondering what the real truth is. So what is your experience. Do you think most get caught or not???? would love to hear.
Devil Inside Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Funny...I just asked for stories about how people got caught over in the infidelity section. Here is my take. I think that a lot less people get caught then we think. Sure, here, a lot of As finally come to light, but I think it is because a lot of the people that come here are conflicted about their As and this would lead to someone being caught, because in some ways they wanted to be. I think there are plenty of As that just fade and both people agree to just keep the secret. I am also sure that there are plenty of relationships that started as As or at lease were started when one or both partners were with others.
White Flower Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 DI is right. I know someone who cheated his whole life and never REALLY got caught. The three 'entanglements' he DID get caught with he was able to explain away. The last time he got caught he was seriously considering leaving for the OW and began a withdrawal plan that was obvious to his W. She noticed and began snooping as she should have. He got caught. Did he want to be caught? Not so sure because he buckled under pressure; yet, one can argue he wanted to be caught due to the pulling away behavior.
Got it Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I agree, my sMM got caught when he started to talk about seriously divorcing and moving on and she started digging. Prior to that they were living totally separate lives and not a whiff of suspicion. The digging was minimal before she was confronted with everything.
fooled once Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 DI is right. I know someone who cheated his whole life and never REALLY got caught. The three 'entanglements' he DID get caught with he was able to explain away. The last time he got caught he was seriously considering leaving for the OW and began a withdrawal plan that was obvious to his W. She noticed and began snooping as she should have. He got caught. Did he want to be caught? Not so sure because he buckled under pressure; yet, one can argue he wanted to be caught due to the pulling away behavior. WF, did this guy ever leave his W for the OW?
pureinheart Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Funny...I just asked for stories about how people got caught over in the infidelity section. Here is my take. I think that a lot less people get caught then we think. Sure, here, a lot of As finally come to light, but I think it is because a lot of the people that come here are conflicted about their As and this would lead to someone being caught, because in some ways they wanted to be. I think there are plenty of As that just fade and both people agree to just keep the secret. I am also sure that there are plenty of relationships that started as As or at lease were started when one or both partners were with others. DI is right. I know someone who cheated his whole life and never REALLY got caught. The three 'entanglements' he DID get caught with he was able to explain away. The last time he got caught he was seriously considering leaving for the OW and began a withdrawal plan that was obvious to his W. She noticed and began snooping as she should have. He got caught. Did he want to be caught? Not so sure because he buckled under pressure; yet, one can argue he wanted to be caught due to the pulling away behavior. I agree, my sMM got caught when he started to talk about seriously divorcing and moving on and she started digging. Prior to that they were living totally separate lives and not a whiff of suspicion. The digging was minimal before she was confronted with everything. Yep....I think our "DI" ...lol...would tell us it is sometimes subconscience, but I too think it is intentional, especially the R's that continue. I think there are varying reasons, some want attention from their W's, trying to give them a wake up call or something, possibly wanting to see if their W's love them enough to fight for them....I know my wording may not be that well, no malice intended. Some have great W's, but just fell in love with another and want to be with them and don't have the courage to end (no malice here either as none of this is easy). Some fear what the fall out might be and I think subconsciencly hope they get caught and leave a "trail"....jmo
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Getting caught depends on two things: 1. How sloppy the AP's are 2. How determined, indifferent or in denial the BS is Some affairs last a long time without being 'caught', others don't. It entirely depends on the circumstances. I would say that people get caught more often than not, though.
White Flower Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 WF, did this guy ever leave his W for the OW? I hear he is still working on that.
OWoman Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I think there are plenty of As that just fade and both people agree to just keep the secret. That's me - or at least, most of my previous As. I moved on, they moved on, no one was any the wiser... I am also sure that there are plenty of relationships that started as As or at lease were started when one or both partners were with others. That's me, too - my last A.
skylarblue Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 In general, I don’t think most people in A get caught, but I think it depends on the length of the A and the definition of “caught”. I’m pretty sure nearly all ONS go undetected. And I’d imagine the shorter the A the less likely the chance of being caught. But I don’t think that most A go undetected and that the BS usually has a feeling of infidelity although there may be no proof. My MM has never been “caught” by his W with proof and we’ve been together for years. She has confronted him many times with suspicions and accusations, but since she’s never had any undeniable, physical proof that he’s been seeing me, he doesn’t think he’s been “caught”. He thinks he’s totally getting away with it because anytime she brings up suspicions he reasonably explains (lies) everything away. I think he thinks she’s an idiot. I don’t even know his W, but I know she hasn’t been asking him for years because she’s clueless. If anything she simply has too much faith in her H.
RedDevil66 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 My former best friend who's cheated on her BF of 19 yrs about 15 times, never got caught. She's a master cheat/liar. My BF's cousin just got caught in his 1 yr affair because the H of his OW came to her door to tell her. Not everyone gets caught. It all depends how devious one is. The more devious/evil, the better the liar they are
OWoman Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Not everyone gets caught. It all depends how devious one is. The more devious/evil, the better the liar they are ...or how uninterested, detached or stupid the BS is. Sometimes, even when they're TOLD, they still don't believe it...
RedDevil66 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 ...or how uninterested, detached or stupid the BS is. Sometimes, even when they're TOLD, they still don't believe it... true, but being stupid, detached or uninterested does not equate to evil
confusedinkansas Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 or how uninterested, detached or stupid the BS is. Sometimes, even when they're TOLD, they still don't believe it I don't think that not getting caught is because a BS is uninterested. However, I do believe (& know of) stories out there where the .... for instance: Wife is well aware that her husband is cheating & has chosen to not confront him & let it "run it's course" - I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons why this happens. I also think that affairs CAN & DO go on for years without being detected by the other person in the relationship. I have a friend who cheated on her husband for 9 years. He was none the wiser. Ever. My affair went on (off & on) for almost 4 years. I was caught in the first 6 months of the affair. Things stopped between us for a year - & then a year later we picked up where we left off. The second part of the affair, my husband is not aware of. He knows that my AP & I were friends after & that I did see him occasionally while I was separated from my husband. (not romantically) But he knows nothing of the affair itsself continuing. (or if he does, he's not sayin') So, I think that because this site is what it is....We only see the percentage that do get caught or suspect.
Hazyhead Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 ...or how uninterested, detached or stupid the BS is. Sometimes, even when they're TOLD, they still don't believe it... It makes me sad that this is the situation for some. In this case though, wouldn't it still count as getting caught? Instead, I think, it would actually be ignoring the act and therefore allowing it.
Hazyhead Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I don't think that not getting caught is because a BS is uninterested. However, I do believe (& know of) stories out there where the .... for instance: Wife is well aware that her husband is cheating & has chosen to not confront him & let it "run it's course" - I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons why this happens. I also think that affairs CAN & DO go on for years without being detected by the other person in the relationship. I have a friend who cheated on her husband for 9 years. He was none the wiser. Ever. My affair went on (off & on) for almost 4 years. I was caught in the first 6 months of the affair. Things stopped between us for a year - & then a year later we picked up where we left off. The second part of the affair, my husband is not aware of. He knows that my AP & I were friends after & that I did see him occasionally while I was separated from my husband. (not romantically) But he knows nothing of the affair itsself continuing. (or if he does, he's not sayin') So, I think that because this site is what it is....We only see the percentage that do get caught or suspect. Confused, can I ask you what it was that ended your affair in the end?
confusedinkansas Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Confused, can I ask you what it was that ended your affair in the end? There were a few incidents that happened & I believe (hind site) that he tired of me not being "single".....YET, he never once asked me to leave or ever gave the impression that he wanted us to be together. His stand was always "I'm not going to break up your marriage, if you want to leave for you, you need to leave for you. Not for someone else...yadda yadda yadda" We are both family oriented & he was worried about my kids as well. When I did separate from my husband (not for this other man - we had already been apart for almost a year prior to my separation ) we would go have drinks, talk, etc. - He was already dating someone else. Ironically, this week, it's been ONE YEAR since I've seen the other man. And, that was purley by accident - He came into a restaurant that my husband & I happened to be at. (He only stayed long enough to walk in....see me, walk to the bathroom, RUDLEY stand by our table in the bar area for about 30 seconds & then left) He has tried twice in the year to contact me.
OWoman Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 true, but being stupid, detached or uninterested does not equate to evil Neither is having an A. I don't think that not getting caught is because a BS is uninterested. I've known cases like this - the couples were so estranged that the W had no interest in what the H was up to.
Hazyhead Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 There were a few incidents that happened & I believe (hind site) that he tired of me not being "single".....YET, he never once asked me to leave or ever gave the impression that he wanted us to be together. His stand was always "I'm not going to break up your marriage, if you want to leave for you, you need to leave for you. Not for someone else...yadda yadda yadda" We are both family oriented & he was worried about my kids as well. When I did separate from my husband (not for this other man - we had already been apart for almost a year prior to my separation ) we would go have drinks, talk, etc. - He was already dating someone else. Ironically, this week, it's been ONE YEAR since I've seen the other man. And, that was purley by accident - He came into a restaurant that my husband & I happened to be at. (He only stayed long enough to walk in....see me, walk to the bathroom, RUDLEY stand by our table in the bar area for about 30 seconds & then left) He has tried twice in the year to contact me. Well done for not contacting back Confused. You must still have felt some pull, even if just a little, but I guess were able to more with more clarity what meant most to you?
Lizzie60 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 It's hard to say... a lot get caught or admit.. and a lot never get caught... BUT.... If BS would really look into it.. MOST would get caught.. Sometimes, it's almost impossible to get caught.. especially if the As take place during work hours or on business trips (ex.. salesmen, CEO, etc.).. those are the ones who rarely get caught..
RedDevil66 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Neither is having an A. . Having an affair is not evil, but carrying on, deception, denial, hurting others, and then thinking it's ok, then yes, it's evil! How can one continue to hurt others and not be evil?!
Impudent Oyster Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Having an affair is not evil, but carrying on, deception, denial, hurting others, and then thinking it's ok, then yes, it's evil! How can one continue to hurt others and not be evil?! I agree. Having an affair IS evil. How is it not? If it wasn't wrong, people wouldn't go through such lengths to hide them. The definition of evil is morally objectionable behavior. That's a pretty accurate definition of an affair.
Impudent Oyster Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 It's hard to say... a lot get caught or admit.. and a lot never get caught... BUT.... If BS would really look into it.. MOST would get caught.. Sometimes, it's almost impossible to get caught.. especially if the As take place during work hours or on business trips (ex.. salesmen, CEO, etc.).. those are the ones who rarely get caught.. Really look into it? Are you suggesting that spouses spy on each other? Check each others cell phone records? Follow them? Hire PI's?
You'reasian Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Really look into it? Are you suggesting that spouses spy on each other? Check each others cell phone records? Follow them? Hire PI's? That's kinda hairy - but in all honesty, if you've got nothing to hide, it shouldn't be an issue - with the exception that your privacy is marginalized.
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