Chingaling Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 You can check out any time you like But you can never leave... Big Sigh... Mid January I told my husband that I am done, I want a separation and I will be leaving. Since then he has been in some form of denial with me, evidenced by the numerous good night kisses he plants on me and the grabbing of my butt which he hadn't touched the past three years. He does not bring the subject up with me, but will question the kids (they are grown). He also talks about the future - as though it will just continue on as it always has, which is not unusual behavious for him since during our marriage there have been periods of what I call the "complacent times " - between the bad times when I generally calm down... I would like to stay here until my youngest moves out on her own at the end of February (no way I can leave her alone here with him to have to deal with by herself), and then at least until we can get the house on the market, but my patience is wearing thin. I try to stay as far away from him as possible (although I am not as mean as I was a few weeks ago - more silent) but he is on me like a fat kid on cake. I thought that perhaps what I need to do when he starts talking about the future is quietly remind him that I will not be here much longer. Admittedly, he has not been drinking much the last month - although he has started sneaking it into the garage again and drinking in the car on the way home from work. Tonight he chased down a cab driver who cut him off. He is slowly reverting back to his "before" behaviour...which just reinforces my decision of course. I have been trying to put a few dollars away from my paycheque, but he is watching so closely that he wants to know where the extra $100 went from today's paycheck (my pocket!), and checks the bank account every night on his way home to see what I have spent. This is the same guy that was siphoning cash for the liquor store - they know him by name at the beer store. The phone bill is now a source of interest for him too... I think he is going through my purse while I am sleeping. Fortunately, he can't even turn the computer on, but ... He has asked the kids if there is someone else... a question that they dodged since they do know about Sam... and they are behind me 100% since they realize that Sam is NOT the reason for my leaving... I would really like to be responsible here with clearing up the bills and putting the house up for sale, but it's getting harder day by day. I want to deal with the financial stuff now before I bring Sam into the equation since I know that H will drink his face off then and nobody will be able to deal with him. I am so tempted to say the h*ll with it and just let the chips fall where they may... Yes, I know I am not being up front with H, I admit that...but I truly do not want to hurt him any more than I have to, and I don't want to be financially irresponsible to either of us... I would like to be able to speed up the pace... I was thinking of just having the realtor over to the house now for a walk thru? Any other suggestions to keep this moving along without sending him over the edge? Or should I pack my bag now?
jennie-jennie Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Chingaling, my opinion is, pack your bag and get ready to go as soon as your daughter is out of the house. Don't let economic issues matter at the moment, don't do anything more behind your husband's back, just get ready to go as soon as you possibly can.
jwi71 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Or should I pack my bag now? Pack now. Take you and your daughter to a hotel for two weeks and continue as is. Then she can move on as can you. No need to allow the possibility of "something" happening...
OpenBook Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 If you move out of the house, he can claim "abandonment" or some such nonsense in court - and get the house, custody of the kids, etc. I think it would be wise to consult a lawyer before making any moves. Good luck.
Crazyforhim Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I say try to get out as soon as you can. The end of Feb isn't that far away, so if you need to stay for her, do that and be ready to walk out as soon as she is gone. Just act status quo until then with your H. Don't play into his games but don't let him in on your plan to leave either. My xH didn't want to seperate so he stayed in the house with hopes that I would change my mind and not leave. I ended up having to finally just move out and we are working through what to do with the house now. He can't afford to keep it but getting out was more important to me than fighting over it. A good friend of mine said to me the other day "Do you know why D costs so much? Because it's worth it!". LOL. I'll lose quite a bit in this process, but at the end of the day having my sanity and happiness are priceless!!
Angel1111 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 (edited) The title of your thread made me laugh. That was pretty cute. I think it's a good plan to wait until the end of February - but why not have a place picked out by then? There's nothing to stop you from looking for a place right now, is there? But, yeah, it's not worth the upheaval for your daughter. Just wait until she's gone. One thing that really disturbs me is that he's touching and kissing you. This would really turn me off and I'm wondering why you're letting him do this. I think that, not only is it disrespectful to you, letting him do it is sending him the wrong message. Why not just say, 'Please don't do that anymore.' If it sets him off and he starts acting stupid, then maybe you will have to leave sooner. I don't know, though, someone touching and kissing me that I no longer wanted to be with would be really offensive to me. Then again, I am aware of the 'goodbye sex' syndrome, so I guess the touching isn't that far off. As far as Sam is concerned, I wouldn't do anything with him until you move out. Have you told him that you're leaving your husband? After you're out of the house, then that will be the time to bring up bills, etc. Perhaps the two of you can agree to split them, that's usually a good solution, and you can start thinking about that now. That way, when the time comes, you can say 'I thought it would be best if we split the bills this way'. If you can't afford an equal split, then split them out in a way that it's equal to what each of you can afford. And you've got to factor in rent and utilities for yourself. Just remember, if your cell phone is on the same plan as his, he's likely to cut it off to spite you. Just a thought. I've never heard the thing about abandonment on the house but it may be worth looking into. It probably depends on what state you live in. Even if you don't want the house and your husband decides to stay in it, the court will probably order your husband to pay you your share of the equity. That's what happened in my case and it's even better than selling the house because you don't have to deal with that part. I'm glad you're sticking to your guns and staying with your decision. Just as you can see, he changed his behavior in the beginning but it didn't take long for his real self to come out again. Hang in there! Edited February 6, 2010 by Angel1111
Devil Inside Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Ching...consult an attorney, and then get out sooner rather then later. Your stbxH is really displaying the addictive defensive mechanism to a T. See at the heart of all addicts is this tendency to avoid difficult emotions. If he were to really allow himself to realize the truth, that your M is over, he would fall to pieces. It is easier for him to be in denial and abuse alcohol. This is going to get worse before it gets better....hang in there.
pureinheart Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 You can check out any time you like But you can never leave... Big Sigh... Mid January I told my husband that I am done, I want a separation and I will be leaving. Since then he has been in some form of denial with me, evidenced by the numerous good night kisses he plants on me and the grabbing of my butt which he hadn't touched the past three years. He does not bring the subject up with me, but will question the kids (they are grown). He also talks about the future - as though it will just continue on as it always has, which is not unusual behavious for him since during our marriage there have been periods of what I call the "complacent times " - between the bad times when I generally calm down... I would like to stay here until my youngest moves out on her own at the end of February (no way I can leave her alone here with him to have to deal with by herself), and then at least until we can get the house on the market, but my patience is wearing thin. I try to stay as far away from him as possible (although I am not as mean as I was a few weeks ago - more silent) but he is on me like a fat kid on cake. I thought that perhaps what I need to do when he starts talking about the future is quietly remind him that I will not be here much longer. Admittedly, he has not been drinking much the last month - although he has started sneaking it into the garage again and drinking in the car on the way home from work. Tonight he chased down a cab driver who cut him off. He is slowly reverting back to his "before" behaviour...which just reinforces my decision of course. I have been trying to put a few dollars away from my paycheque, but he is watching so closely that he wants to know where the extra $100 went from today's paycheck (my pocket!), and checks the bank account every night on his way home to see what I have spent. This is the same guy that was siphoning cash for the liquor store - they know him by name at the beer store. The phone bill is now a source of interest for him too... I think he is going through my purse while I am sleeping. Fortunately, he can't even turn the computer on, but ... He has asked the kids if there is someone else... a question that they dodged since they do know about Sam... and they are behind me 100% since they realize that Sam is NOT the reason for my leaving... I would really like to be responsible here with clearing up the bills and putting the house up for sale, but it's getting harder day by day. I want to deal with the financial stuff now before I bring Sam into the equation since I know that H will drink his face off then and nobody will be able to deal with him. I am so tempted to say the h*ll with it and just let the chips fall where they may... Yes, I know I am not being up front with H, I admit that...but I truly do not want to hurt him any more than I have to, and I don't want to be financially irresponsible to either of us... I would like to be able to speed up the pace... I was thinking of just having the realtor over to the house now for a walk thru? Any other suggestions to keep this moving along without sending him over the edge? Or should I pack my bag now? Oh man, this has got to be soooo hard on you....personally I would vacate before doing much of anything with the house....he could be a timebomb and is defintely not in agreement concerning the D....so he is harboring some hope laced with bitterness. You sitch remeinds me of my daughters dad....kept trying to get us back together and not happy about a split, living with him was not an option as he had become very violent. We went to TJ and I didn't think anything about it, but he got injectable steroids....I didn't know they made a person weird...he got real weird, bought a gun, he just got very aggressive. (((((((((((huggs))))))))), all of this will be over before you know it.....
Author Chingaling Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Ching...consult an attorney, and then get out sooner rather then later. Your stbxH is really displaying the addictive defensive mechanism to a T. See at the heart of all addicts is this tendency to avoid difficult emotions. If he were to really allow himself to realize the truth, that your M is over, he would fall to pieces. It is easier for him to be in denial and abuse alcohol. This is going to get worse before it gets better....hang in there. I didn't know what the addictive defensive mechanism is, so I did a bit of research, and it is uncanny how closely he mirrors the classic symptoms...you are correct - he will likely crash once I start packing up or when am not here...no way I want daughter around to have to deal with that. In the meantime he is having good days and bad days... Friday not so good, yesterday fine... I am doing okay... it's just a lot on my mind how to extradicate myself from 30 years, and I am trying not to be financially irresponsible. Daughter has no firm plans as yet... once she has her move out date, I hope I can step this up. With OM, it is different now than before... another level as we each contemplate the changes in our relationship, especially since neither of us thought that being together would ever be a possibility. Obviously it takes him more by surprise than me - I had been really low key about my marriage problems over the years so OM never felt the need to pressure me to leave... Even now we agree that my separating must be everything to do with problems within my marriage and not for OM. The long-distance thing is likely a good thing - we are talking a lot of things out and are trying to be as sensible as possible. We are both scared - big adjustment - but whether we end up together or not, my marriage is over and I need to move on. Thanks all for keeping me above water.
Author Chingaling Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 you wanted to leave....then leave....why are you gas lighting him(H).....do him a favor start D process.... ya...you are real saint who is having affair for 20 yrs in 30 yrs of M.... Yup, I know... I wish I had left years ago - would have saved myself a lot of grief, but hindsight is 20/20. I am doing the best I can. I know you will disagree with not telling him about my EA, but I know him better and he is a horrible drunk when things go wrong - I don't want him driving off a bridge. He knows damn well that he has pushed so far that I can't take it any more - no need to drive the point home. I am leaving anyways - no need to twist the knife. Scorpio - I would love to know your story (if you have one). I would like to hear the guy side of it all...
silverfish Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I didn't know what the addictive defensive mechanism is, so I did a bit of research, and it is uncanny how closely he mirrors the classic symptoms...you are correct - he will likely crash once I start packing up or when am not here...no way I want daughter around to have to deal with that. In the meantime he is having good days and bad days... Friday not so good, yesterday fine... I am doing okay... it's just a lot on my mind how to extradicate myself from 30 years, and I am trying not to be financially irresponsible. Daughter has no firm plans as yet... once she has her move out date, I hope I can step this up. With OM, it is different now than before... another level as we each contemplate the changes in our relationship, especially since neither of us thought that being together would ever be a possibility. Obviously it takes him more by surprise than me - I had been really low key about my marriage problems over the years so OM never felt the need to pressure me to leave... Even now we agree that my separating must be everything to do with problems within my marriage and not for OM. The long-distance thing is likely a good thing - we are talking a lot of things out and are trying to be as sensible as possible. We are both scared - big adjustment - but whether we end up together or not, my marriage is over and I need to move on. Thanks all for keeping me above water. I left my H under similar circumstances without an OM involved. He was drinking heavily, and too, and carried on after I left for a while. There was a period of about a month between me making the decision to leave & then leaving, when it got very difficult. With hindsight, I would not have given him so much warning, but I hoped it might change something. I hope that you give yourself plenty of time to yourself to let it all sink in and sort out practicalities before you get too deep into your new R.
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