jenhopwood Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I have been involved with a MM for over a year. In the last few months, he has begun the discussions of separation with his wife...but nothing was ever decided (of course). He got caught in a few lies while he was visiting me and she kicked him out of the house. Although this is what he has wanted, he is miserable and barely speaks to me during the day. Normally we speak ten times a day and it is always loving conversation but now nothing. I know he is going through a hard time, but I can't be out of the loop as to what is going on and what he is thinking. We have come so far and it is finally here...and it is a nightmare. I am trying to be supporting but am going crazy. Any advice or recommendations on books or whatever would be greatly appreciated.
fooled once Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I have been involved with a MM for over a year. In the last few months, he has begun the discussions of separation with his wife...but nothing was ever decided (of course). He got caught in a few lies while he was visiting me and she kicked him out of the house. Although this is what he has wanted, he is miserable and barely speaks to me during the day. Normally we speak ten times a day and it is always loving conversation but now nothing. I know he is going through a hard time, but I can't be out of the loop as to what is going on and what he is thinking. We have come so far and it is finally here...and it is a nightmare. I am trying to be supporting but am going crazy. Any advice or recommendations on books or whatever would be greatly appreciated. He isn't ready to be done with his marriage. He is having regrets. He is still emotionally attached to his wife. Nothing you can do about it. Just hope he doesn't regret the affair (being caught) because then IMHO your relationship is doomed. Leave him alone to deal with this -- maybe give him a time limit -- but you aren't involved in his divorce - that is between him and his wife.
carhill Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Hi and welcome to LS Did he let you know that communication would be lesser now and why? To your knowledge, is he living separately from his wife? If yes, have you visited him at that location? Do he and his wife have any children? Are you single or married/LTR? My advice from experience is to accept the current circumstances and 'give him' his space. Decide for yourself where your boundary is for unconditional support and where he needs to be supportive and considerate of your feelings as well. Then, enforce that boundary.
willowfields Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 carhill gave you verygood advice. he's going through a very tough time. be understanding of it.
Crazyforhim Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Anytime someone is separated or going through a divorce there is a normal grieving process they must go through to grieve the loss of the M. Although I was the one in my M that wanted out, I still had several months that I went LC with my MM because there were just alot of things in my head I had to process. My feelings for him and how I treated him did not change, but I did need more space. In your situation, the change in his behavior is concerning if he isn't treating you lovingly and with respect. I would tend to think he may be having seconds thoughts. He may have said he wanted out, but probably in his time and definitely not in the way it happened.
Crazyforhim Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 One more thing, if this truly is what he wants, give him space like carhill suggested. He's probably feeling like he's being pulled in lots of directions right now and the last thing he needs is someone else needing something from him. Give him space, unconditional support and an ear to listen if he wants to talk. He will when he's ready, but too much from you may push him away. Make every interaction you do have with him pleasant, loving and supportive.
Author jenhopwood Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 This is ever so helpful. I will try my best...it is just hard thinking about that possibility that it may not work out. But again...thank you very much.
carhill Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 IMO, if this circumstance with the MM has thrown your life out of balance; IOW, if thoughts of the dynamic with him are consuming you, it will be up to you to find a method to bring balance back into your life, giving him the importance he deserves along with all the other valuable and valued aspects of your life. As an OM, I went way wrong in that regard and ended up depressed for a couple of years. It was the lack of balance within my own psychology which caused the depression. Lastly, if you begin to feel 'out of control' and find functioning normally to be an issue, don't hesitate to see a doctor and/or a counselor. There's no indignity in seeking help. You'll make it through this
Got it Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I have been involved with a MM for over a year. In the last few months, he has begun the discussions of separation with his wife...but nothing was ever decided (of course). He got caught in a few lies while he was visiting me and she kicked him out of the house. Although this is what he has wanted, he is miserable and barely speaks to me during the day. Normally we speak ten times a day and it is always loving conversation but now nothing. I know he is going through a hard time, but I can't be out of the loop as to what is going on and what he is thinking. We have come so far and it is finally here...and it is a nightmare. I am trying to be supporting but am going crazy. Any advice or recommendations on books or whatever would be greatly appreciated. Are you looking for advice or for him? For you I would recommend "Surviving my Boyfriend's Divorce" or "Will he leave for me". For him, I would recommend IC to figure out what he wants and how he can make it happen. You need to do what is right for you. You need to make sure you are supporting you, living your life, and maintaining focus on you. Do not become absorbed by his life, his divorce, or him. Stay focused on you.
White Flower Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I have been involved with a MM for over a year. In the last few months, he has begun the discussions of separation with his wife...but nothing was ever decided (of course). He got caught in a few lies while he was visiting me and she kicked him out of the house. Although this is what he has wanted, he is miserable and barely speaks to me during the day. Normally we speak ten times a day and it is always loving conversation but now nothing. I know he is going through a hard time, but I can't be out of the loop as to what is going on and what he is thinking. We have come so far and it is finally here...and it is a nightmare. I am trying to be supporting but am going crazy. Any advice or recommendations on books or whatever would be greatly appreciated.Do you know where he is staying? If so, why can't you visit him there? I'm suspicious that he is working his arse off to win her back. I hope it's not true for your sake but if he is not calling you for support and you don't know where he is staying all fingers point that he is still at home. Best of luck.
pureinheart Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 (edited) I have been involved with a MM for over a year. In the last few months, he has begun the discussions of separation with his wife...but nothing was ever decided (of course). He got caught in a few lies while he was visiting me and she kicked him out of the house. Although this is what he has wanted, he is miserable and barely speaks to me during the day. Normally we speak ten times a day and it is always loving conversation but now nothing. I know he is going through a hard time, but I can't be out of the loop as to what is going on and what he is thinking. We have come so far and it is finally here...and it is a nightmare. I am trying to be supporting but am going crazy. Any advice or recommendations on books or whatever would be greatly appreciated. He is under going great change....may I ask how long he was M'ed? No matter how much this is better for him, not better for him, wanted it and possibly regreting it makes no difference. He might feel guilty now, anything could be going on, many things he has not worked out which 90% has little to do with you. I know this from personal experience...very short version of my sitch... Met MM, he chased me, we got close (EA...emotional affair). He was M'ed for almost 30yrs...big change. We were best friends, closer than close...then started to get too close. I ran and went NC (no contact) stating your M'ed, leave me alone. Him and W separated and he called, we hang out again....she files for D...he pours out his heart...thinking OMG, this is what I have been waiting for...2 weeks later he weirded out and this "Love Affair" that I thought would happen, soulmate whatever turned to sh*t. He became extremely abusive and projecting all of his anger towards me, subconsciencly blaming me (I think, it seemed that way...could be his inability to control me like he could his ex)....I said look Bi*ch, I am not your mother, exW, ex gf or anyone you think you can take your mess out on...doormat girl was gone and still is. I took it for awhile because it confused me, I could not believe he was treating me that way...who had this "person I knew" become? It totally boggled my mind. All of these games began to surface...sometimes it feels like he doesn't really want me, although doesn't want anyone else to be with me either...some think this is a compliment, I do not and see it to be distastful. Based on what you said in your post, I have to say to let him deal with his stuff by himself if you can. He's definitely tripping...on what? Only he knows, he is not communicating with you for a reason and only he knows what that is. My heart goes out to you...have been there and now am hurt sometimes, although am living my own life. The thing that makes me feel vulnerable is all of the crap that I deal with in the world, when I'm not having some stupid battle with whatever all is well and I don't think of him as much or the same. Welcome, and sorry for the negative reply, although hope it helps sharing my recent experience. Please keep us updated.... Edited February 6, 2010 by pureinheart
pureinheart Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Do you know where he is staying? If so, why can't you visit him there? I'm suspicious that he is working his arse off to win her back. I hope it's not true for your sake but if he is not calling you for support and you don't know where he is staying all fingers point that he is still at home. Best of luck. WF, I agree, he all of a sudden becomes distant...is it because it's "game over" and now he needs to line up...or is he just confused... ExMM/SO(not so sure right now) tried to get his exW back in the beginning of the separation...that is why she filed and put a restraining order on him. She was really done...he told me about this only because I was in his life and might hear about what he did....he did this right under my nose saying the reason was he had not hidden all of the money he needed to and that is why he did it...is he a liar, maybe, was the money deal the truth, maybe...only God knows, so I need to let go and let God. You know what Jen...live your own life and act like he does not phase you (at least to him)...if it was meant to be it will, if he is playing a game with you, this R might not be for you.
pureinheart Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Are you looking for advice or for him? For you I would recommend "Surviving my Boyfriend's Divorce" or "Will he leave for me". For him, I would recommend IC to figure out what he wants and how he can make it happen. You need to do what is right for you. You need to make sure you are supporting you, living your life, and maintaining focus on you. Do not become absorbed by his life, his divorce, or him. Stay focused on you. WOW I'm gonna order those books!!!!!!!
alg24 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 The biggest thing you can do is give him space and don't push him... Last year when things were more "fantasy" my exMM would tell me yes he is going to get a divorce, wait for me, blah blah... When we returned to the same small town where his wife and kids where things started changing... The reality sunk in... The worse thing I did was begin to push... Even small things like asking him at 7AM if I would see him tonight. ( But I am very young) The important thing to remember is to take care of yourself. He is going through a MASSIVE change, especially if they have been together a long time. Its his divorce/change not yours. Give him space and let him come to you. Don't take any crap either. I got dumped on A LOT during that time-- whatever is gong on is NOT your problem.
jwi71 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I have been involved with a MM for over a year. In the last few months, he has begun the discussions of separation with his wife...but nothing was ever decided (of course). He got caught in a few lies while he was visiting me and she kicked him out of the house. Although this is what he has wanted, he is miserable and barely speaks to me during the day. I hate to say this...but this is NOT what he wanted. He didn't move out or file...SHE kicked him out and served him. And is this is what "he wanted"...why was he lying to her to begin with (that got he caught)? I think you are about to be heartbroken. Protect yourself.
alg24 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I hate to say this...but this is NOT what he wanted. He didn't move out or file...SHE kicked him out and served him. And is this is what "he wanted"...why was he lying to her to begin with (that got he caught)? I think you are about to be heartbroken. Protect yourself. I am really sorry but I agree. My MM sorta knew they were heading for divorce and right when he got back he started living with me. He just assumed he was not welcome in the Ws rented home (which his job paid for). My MM was lying to everyone. Only shattered my heart in the end. Take care of YOURSELF. And guard your heart.
Samantha0905 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I like the give him space advice. What else can you do anyway? I read once -- for what it's worth -- there's a big difference between someone choosing to leave and someone getting caught and kicked out. I would think, initially, being caught and kicked out would make him feel like fighting for the marriage. The result will either be to realize the mistake of his ways and work harder on the marriage (no more affairs) or, realizing the marriage just isn't going to work. Either way, it will take some time and it's probably best if you stay out of it until he gets his head on straight. That's easier said than done, I know. My sister dated someone who was in the process of getting divorced -- he and his wife were high school sweethearts, married 12 years and have three children. During their dating period, he moved back home once to give the marriage one more try. That lasted a few months and they did not communicate. He contacted her again when they decided to definitely get divorced and they commenced seeing each other again. Once divorced, he moved to Canada saying he just couldn't make any permanent commitments right after getting divorced. I remember the tears my sister cried into her pillow every single night during that time -- but she did not call him. Two months later he called my sister and asked her to marry him and join him in Canada. They've been married 26 years now. The point of that is not to give you false hope. I'm just pointing out when someone gets a divorce, I imagine their head (and actions) are all over the place. I think it's more unlikely than likely two people involved in an affair during the breakup of a marriage end up together long term. I think you should guard your heart also -- though that is very difficult to do given you have already committed your heart to him.
Brokenlady Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I am trying to be supporting but am going crazy. Any advice or recommendations on books or whatever would be greatly appreciated. You'll never get him to read anything, because he isn't ready. A good book for you though is "Surviving Your Boyfriend's Divorce".
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