missmolly10 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 hello, this is my first post. i feel really awkward and guilty lately. i love my boyfriend a lot. we have been together for 9 months. he is 27 and i am 28. he's very charming, outgoing, smart and talented, but i'm starting to feel like the mix between my insecurities and some quirks he has are starting to outweigh positive things. i've not had good past relationships and i am fully aware and unafraid to admit that there is still "negative residue" sticking to me from those past relationships, but i also went to counseling, read self~help books, stayed single for a bit, never beat myself up too much about it and instead try and take it as a learning experience. still though, memories of being cheated on pop up anytime i find out he's been talking to his ex or hanging out with this very attractive neighbor he has. it doesnt matter how hard i try and fight it, the assumptions of the worst come first and it's a pain in the butt. it makes me even more upset when he tells me he doesn't tell me things / be honest because he knows it will upset me. that seems like a really weak and low cop out in my opinion. i've always felt that people should be open and honest in relationships no matter what but perhaps i'm too naive. i feel like i'm being yanked into two different directions when he insists he has no feelings for his ex and only loves me and how pretty he thinks i am yet he's always talking to other girls, including the ex, as soon as my back is turned, always looking at pictures of his ex who is a model by the way so you can only image what that does to my self esteem. i feel like perhaps i am not ready for a relationship. that there are still too fragile parts of me that aren't as fully healed as i had hoped, because if they were then these things wouldnt bother me as badly. the relationship that hurt me so bad in the past ended like 2 years ago though, so i can't figure out why i'm still messed up over it. i think he would do better with somebody is fully secure and doesn't mind his 2 faced behavior. right now i'm trying to think of a good way to tell him this and possibly break up with him but i'm not sure how to do it. he probably does have positive intentions and really is a good guy but the more time goes on i feel like the possibilities of him screwing up put a blondfold over my optimism about us. the guy i was with who hurt me really bad was emotionally and physically abusive, we were together 3 years. so my advice to anyone whose in a relationship like that is to please get out quicker than i did otherwise you may end up like me and not be able to make something work that could potentially be beautiful.
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