ladydesigner Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I am just curious as to how many here still obsessed about their AP after the A ended? I know I did for a good year (yes I know I wasted a year). I currently do not have those constant thoughts about my xOM anymore I think much of that is attributed to the NC I established 6 months ago. I would love to hear how many here obsessed, what you did to stop the obsessing, and whether you still have moments of missing them?
Samantha0905 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Every day. It hasn't been that long, however, since we completely stopped talking. We kept stopping and starting back up again as I guess is par for the course for most. I wish the thoughts would go away. We stopped being friends on Facebook a while ago, but I could still see his profile wall. Now, I can't see that either so he changed his settings. No more FB stalking of his wall for me. I'm sure that's for the best, but everything feels like a dagger, you know? I'll be so glad when this goes away. I miss him. In reality, however, I know we wouldn't have worked out after starting the relationship with the affair as the foundation. There's so much mistrust (duh) when a relationship begins in that manner. Plus, I imagine the affair relationship gets all beat to Hell and back trying to maintain it during the divorce process.
jwi71 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Question if you don't mind. Do you always obsess like this when an R ends? Or is the A somehow "special?" (yes, carry over Q from the other thread)
Author ladydesigner Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Question if you don't mind. Do you always obsess like this when an R ends? Or is the A somehow "special?" (yes, carry over Q from the other thread) Good question. No I didn't. Actually never have. All this was new to me and was torturous. I don't EVER want to experience it again. I wouldn't even say the A was that special now, but the obsession afterwards was all consuming.
Author ladydesigner Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 We stopped being friends on Facebook a while ago, but I could still see his profile wall. Now, I can't see that either so he changed his settings. No more FB stalking of his wall for me. I'm sure that's for the best, but everything feels like a dagger, you know? Yes I know all too well right there with ya sister:D
Samantha0905 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Question if you don't mind. Do you always obsess like this when an R ends? Or is the A somehow "special?" (yes, carry over Q from the other thread) I'm not sure who you are asking, but I've never had a relationship end until my affair -- not a romantic one, I mean. I met my husband when I was 14, married him at 21 and have been married 27 years. I think the obsession may come from the fact that the attraction was still very strong and the relationship was ended because it was (a) very wrong to do and (b) it feels like the right thing to do is work on the marriage. I realize some may think a person who has an affair isn't worried about the right thing to do, but I certainly have felt very guilty and like I was doing something I shouldn't -- more so the longer the affair continued. We (AP and I) both went back and forth a lot -- breaking up, getting back together -- but the last time, he ended it I guess -- although we mutually agreed it needed to end. There may be a rejection factor there, even though he said he wanted to marry me if I were to become single. Affairs are just filled with craziness. Crazy actions. Crazy rationalizations. Crazy declarations. Plus, going back into a relationship that has issues to try to work on things only makes the missing of the affair partner seem more intense. I try to force myself to think of the negative things about the affair relationship -- and there were plenty of red flags -- a major one being my ex-AP didn't mind sleeping with another man's wife -- and he didn't mind sleeping with a woman who was okay with cheating on her husband. Not very flattering about either of us. I believe it when people say it's an addiction. It's definitely like a craving for something I know is very bad for my marriage and my self worth.
Author ladydesigner Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Plus, going back into a relationship that has issues to try to work on things only makes the missing of the affair partner seem more intense. I try to force myself to think of the negative things about the affair relationship -- and there were plenty of red flags -- a major one being my ex-AP didn't mind sleeping with another man's wife -- and he didn't mind sleeping with a woman who was okay with cheating on her husband. Not very flattering about either of us. I could have written this post myself. Very well said.
NEVERINTENDEDTHIS Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I sure could of wrote that myself too! I think it is an addiction. It's like a drug and think when you can't have it or get your fix you do think about it all the time. I do still on an hourly basis. I'm ready for those thoughts to go away.
Confused4Now Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 My affair is technically not over however I've put so many things in place to keep me from spiraling down and obsessing. Here are the things I got rid of. Facebook was a huge one. I found myself looking at her postings even though we weren't friends she left it open for me to see. So I just deactivate my account....i didn't see any value in FB anyway. I use Linkedin and other for business reasons rather than social stuff. The other thing I did was not logged onto IM id's which we created for ourselves. I use to sit around waiting for her to log on....I don't do that anymore. Another thing on my phone I don't' have her listed by her name. For example it says "Michael's Wife" when it rings and when I feel like answering I do or I don't. So to answer your question I don't obsess anymore even though I see her LC....I just manage it all by boundaries and I keep to them. I also keep very busy with my kids, workouts and dating.
blinded Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Question if you don't mind. Do you always obsess like this when an R ends? Or is the A somehow "special?" (yes, carry over Q from the other thread) I'm not sure who you are asking, but I've never had a relationship end until my affair -- not a romantic one, I mean. I met my husband when I was 14, married him at 21 and have been married 27 years. I think the obsession may come from the fact that the attraction was still very strong and the relationship was ended because it was (a) very wrong to do and (b) it feels like the right thing to do is work on the marriage. I realize some may think a person who has an affair isn't worried about the right thing to do, but I certainly have felt very guilty and like I was doing something I shouldn't -- more so the longer the affair continued. I believe it when people say it's an addiction. It's definitely like a craving for something I know is very bad for my marriage and my self worth. We are very similar. I married my first and only serious boyfriend from high school. I too, met my H at the age of 14. The only other relationship I've had was this one with xMM which lasted 2.5 yrs. I feel at a disadvantage with my coping skills. I admit that I am obsessed with him, but I also know that it has made me mentally unhealthy. I know the obsession delays my healing.
alg24 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Hi- My A lasted just about 2 yrs.. We did A LOT A LOT of back and forth/ending then getting back together. MM and W process of getting divorce-- we were living together for a bit. I have been in NC now for about 2 weeks. We ended badly and he hates me now... I run into him a lot... I can't stop obsessing over him. Its the worse feeling.
fooled once Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I am just curious as to how many here still obsessed about their AP after the A ended? I know I did for a good year (yes I know I wasted a year). I currently do not have those constant thoughts about my xOM anymore I think much of that is attributed to the NC I established 6 months ago. I would love to hear how many here obsessed, what you did to stop the obsessing, and whether you still have moments of missing them? I think because mine didn't have an 'abrupt' ending, more of a drawn out miserable ending, I didn't obsess as much as others. I also met my now H about 2 months after the A ended. I heard from him a couple times - in fact, he had emailed me and I got it when I returned from my honeymoon. My H responded I haven't heard from him in about 10 years, but then again, I have changed my email and there is no way he would try to call my house LOL. I think I had more time to adjust to the ending as I knew it was ending and so when it FINALLY ended, it was such a 'shock' to my system.
Crazyforhim Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 My MM and I went NC last week I will say we've done pretty well (don't bash me here) with a few minor slips. But the one thing I have noticed this past week is that the obsessing I have felt for a long time is relatively gone. I think it's because I don't talk to him everyday and hear the details of his life with his family. Things I've also done, stay away from things that remind me of him (or her) like songs, tv shows, athletic events where his favorite teams are playing, etc. All of it reminds me of him, so make a concious efforts to pay attention to your triggers and try to avoid them. I also try to stay away from FB and only check email once a day at the most. He hasn't been emailing me, but checking the email to see if he had became a bad habit during the A.
Devil Inside Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 LD you know I obsessed about my xAP for a few months after it was over. In fact as i go back and read old posts and remember how I felt I realize that it was almost like an artist...she didn't become great until she was gone. I think that the feeling of abandonment I felt was more intense then the love I felt for her when we were together in many ways. What eventually helped me to get over her was NC. I also stopped coming here and obsessing with everyone else for awhile. I found that it was helpful to be here initially, but after awhile we were all just feeding each other.
Devil Inside Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Question if you don't mind. Do you always obsess like this when an R ends? Or is the A somehow "special?" (yes, carry over Q from the other thread) For me I found that I obsessed about my xAP way more then I had over the end of other Rs. I think this may have more to do with my xAP herself rather then the fact that she was an AP. I think she came along at a time in my life when I needed something very specific, and she found that button and damn did she push it. So I think to give up a part of myself that was buried was very difficult...in some ways I mourned the way I felt in the A more then my xAP herself if that makes sense.
Confused4Now Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 All of it reminds me of him, so make a concious efforts to pay attention to your triggers and try to avoid them. This is exactly what you have to do...it's about maintaining your boundaries!!!
Samantha0905 Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 We are very similar. I married my first and only serious boyfriend from high school. I too, met my H at the age of 14. The only other relationship I've had was this one with xMM which lasted 2.5 yrs. I feel at a disadvantage with my coping skills. I admit that I am obsessed with him, but I also know that it has made me mentally unhealthy. I know the obsession delays my healing. Yes, it certainly does. I still jump with my phone signals a incoming text. I keep reminding myself I'm obsessed with a fantasy -- not with something that would be wonderful IRL. It is very difficult when a relationship starts so young. I think parts of the problem in my marriage is how long we've been together and the ages at which we began seeing each other. It almost seems like a parent/child relationship in some ways to me. I don't know how we've evolved into this, but I know meeting so young is the root of some of our problems.
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