How did you get caught?

[bentnotbroken]

I never worried about stuff like that. I was more worried about the idea of losing what I had and would always cut things off if there was too much of a threat to the status quo. As for physical harm, nah... I always gave off the "please give me a reason to defend myself and legally kill you" vibe. Plus, I had the 'my man would never go for a woman like that' thing going for me. It was very, very easy to get away with.

 

Former partners, well ... one of them got incredibly angry but I brushed him off. He was way too young, the relationship was terrible, and I just wanted out. The other was my college boyfriend, who was stunned to hear how much of that I had done. He was able to finally let go and he has since moved on, married, had kids, happy, etc. One guy was the best friend to one of the guys I had messed around with. He wasn't upset or anything, he had figured as much what was going on. It was so far after the fact that it no longer mattered.

 

I don't mind the personal questions. I have no doubt that it is all behind me now. So much happened over the past two years, so much that really put things in perspective and forced me to do that final bit of growing up that needed to be done. I was stripped down emotionally to the bone, and rebuilt completely from there. Few people get that opportunity. I surely won't waste mine.

 

 

It is a humbling experience isn't it? Things that you see so clearly now, make you wonder why you didn't see them before? At least for me.

[MizFit]

Emails both times...the first time she found a train ticket he booked for me on his personal email account. The next was supposedly an email I sent that went to his personal account, but I went through all emails on my phone and my laptop-nada went to that account so I think she either bluffed or had a keylogger.

 

He's set up another account now and emailing so it'll be interesting to see if it happens that way again.

[1Angel]

He started acting out of character; becoming withdrawn, irrational mood swings, buying clothing that wasn't his style, becoming interested in things he was not interested in before from foods to fashion to music. She hired a PI. Game over.

[2sure]

It is a humbling experience isn't it? Things that you see so clearly now, make you wonder why you didn't see them before? At least for me.

 

 

And for me. Every day. Life, you know ? It should be humbling.

[White Flower]

Emails both times...the first time she found a train ticket he booked for me on his personal email account. The next was supposedly an email I sent that went to his personal account, but I went through all emails on my phone and my laptop-nada went to that account so I think she either bluffed or had a keylogger.

 

He's set up another account now and emailing so it'll be interesting to see if it happens that way again.

Sorry, but there could be another woman besides you. JMHO.

[White Flower]

Emails both times...

For us it was being caught on the cell phone both times.

 

The first time she got over it instantly, accepted his story, and the A picked right back up. The second time he had already began withdrawing (with intentions of leaving) which she found very obvious and no story was going to work this time so she checked the cell phone bill. Too many days and too many hours on the phone with me was enough for her to say enough is enough.

 

I'm glad it happened because he is in counseling now and good things are coming from it.

[MizFit]

For us it was being caught on the cell phone both times.

 

The first time she got over it instantly, accepted his story, and the A picked right back up. The second time he had already began withdrawing (with intentions of leaving) which she found very obvious and no story was going to work this time so she checked the cell phone bill. Too many days and too many hours on the phone with me was enough for her to say enough is enough.

 

I'm glad it happened because he is in counseling now and good things are coming from it.

 

Fingers crossed he stays the course...good luck...xx

[eddie_d_2000]

Catching her was the most painful & confusing experiences a human can go through. I felt guilty that I distrusted my W so much that I was doing it. But she had changed so much & there were so many signs that I knew it down to my soul. I caught her with a combination of a PI, a computer expert that was able to track the private messages & just finally paying attention to the time lapses, PC usage @ all hours of the night etc. I caution all people in an A that once your spouse starts digging you will undoubtedly be caught. It's only when we trust blindly that we miss the obvious signs. But once we take the "in-love" blindfold off, it's only a matter of time before you will be caught.

We had a 19 mth old baby though, so I needed to know 100% before I divorced her.

I knew that I would be ashamed if that 1% chance that I was wrong came true. I wasn't wrong of course, but the kick in the n*ts was that even after I found out ALL of the horrid details I wasn't able to leave. I made a promise to my child that I would die to save them from pain if possible; so living in pain/shame is certainly less than that.

So I made the ultimate parental sacrifice & stayed for the sake of not condemming my child to the trauma of being from a broken home.

 

I feel your pain, pretty much my exact story, add one more child to the mix. It kills me to know she was talking to the guy with a 3 yr old wandering around her. I hope you still love her tho, I don't think I could stay with my wife if I didn't love her and I at least thought she did and was trying to work it out with me.

[White Flower]

Fingers crossed he stays the course...good luck...xx

Thank you.:)xx

[MadMission]

On Feb 19, 2005...exactly 5 yrs ago...at 11:00PM, I was turning out the kitchen light when I glanced down at the bag of shredder trash. H had emptied the shredder as usual, and tied up the bag to be put out next trash day. One single strip of yellow paper with HAND-WRITING on it was sticking out and caught my eye.

 

I spent about 4 hrs crouched on my basement floor retreiving strips and trying to piece them together like a puzzle. Then I worked on it again the next day for another 4 hrs or so.

 

What I pieced together were 3 love letters to OW...which included her name, thank God. The love letters told me the entire story of their LTA. It was a gift....GOLD! I knew the whole truth. My H could not deny anything. He could not diminish or lessen the LTA in any way. I had the entire iceburg!...and not just the tip of it which would have been all my H would have confessed to had I found out any other way.

 

I am a VERY lucky woman.

[White Flower]

On Feb 19, 2005...exactly 5 yrs ago...at 11:00PM, I was turning out the kitchen light when I glanced down at the bag of shredder trash. H had emptied the shredder as usual, and tied up the bag to be put out next trash day. One single strip of yellow paper with HAND-WRITING on it was sticking out and caught my eye.

 

I spent about 4 hrs crouched on my basement floor retreiving strips and trying to piece them together like a puzzle. Then I worked on it again the next day for another 4 hrs or so.

 

What I pieced together were 3 love letters to OW...which included her name, thank God. The love letters told me the entire story of their LTA. It was a gift....GOLD! I knew the whole truth. My H could not deny anything. He could not diminish or lessen the LTA in any way. I had the entire iceburg!...and not just the tip of it which would have been all my H would have confessed to had I found out any other way.

 

I am a VERY lucky woman.

You are very determined and tenuous. Good work!

[MizFit]

On Feb 19, 2005...exactly 5 yrs ago...at 11:00PM, I was turning out the kitchen light when I glanced down at the bag of shredder trash. H had emptied the shredder as usual, and tied up the bag to be put out next trash day. One single strip of yellow paper with HAND-WRITING on it was sticking out and caught my eye.

 

I spent about 4 hrs crouched on my basement floor retreiving strips and trying to piece them together like a puzzle. Then I worked on it again the next day for another 4 hrs or so.

 

What I pieced together were 3 love letters to OW...which included her name, thank God. The love letters told me the entire story of their LTA. It was a gift....GOLD! I knew the whole truth. My H could not deny anything. He could not diminish or lessen the LTA in any way. I had the entire iceburg!...and not just the tip of it which would have been all my H would have confessed to had I found out any other way.

 

I am a VERY lucky woman.

 

Wow...what a story. Just out of curiousity what did you do? Have you patched things up and are things good, or did you end it.

 

It's amazing the stories people have...my mother found out about one of my fathers mistresses because he arranged for me to rent a room for her when I went to Uni. She got drunk one night and told me she was sleeping with my father...I told my mother a week later-the day we buried my grandmother, her mother.

[MadMission]

Wow...what a story. Just out of curiousity what did you do? Have you patched things up and are things good, or did you end it.

 

It's amazing the stories people have...my mother found out about one of my fathers mistresses because he arranged for me to rent a room for her when I went to Uni. She got drunk one night and told me she was sleeping with my father...I told my mother a week later-the day we buried my grandmother, her mother.

 

What felt like a 'veil'... came down over my head when I realized the intimate nature of some of the wording on the 1st few stips. I think this is what 'shock' is. I was on auto-pilot all night and was unable to absorb what I was piecing together. I very carefully retied the bag and returned it to it's location so that my H would not notice I had been tampering with it all night. I called my best friend early the next morning and asked her to meet me in a parking lot. I told my H that I was meeting my friend...nothing unusual there. So, when he was distracted, I snatched the bad and ran out the door with it...and hopped in my van. I hoped he wouldn't notice that it was missing. I had the letter fragments of what I had already assembled deep in the bottom of my pocketbook.

 

I needed for my friend to read the letters so that she could tell me what I suspected they were. I needed confirmation because I was so totally shocked. I thought my H and I had a really GOOD marriage. I thought we were happy. A LTA made NO SENSE to me...and was so inconsistant with WHO I beleived my H to be.

 

My friend confirmed what they were. My 1st reaction was 'OMG, my kids'...as they were having the exact childhoods thus far that I had always wanted for my kids. I was crushed that they would have to go through the divorce, etc. Having discovered throuh the letters that the LTA had ended, I decided right then and there that I would pretend NOT to know it ever happened to spare my kids the shock, saddness, pain, etc.

 

But, by that evening, after the betrayal really started to sink in, I realized that I could not do it. Especially, after I finished assembling all the letters. I had to confront my H that night. The kids were sound asleep when my H came home rather late. I was sitting on the sofa waiting for him with copies of the letters in my hand (he was NOT going to get the originals EVER.) When he walked in the door, I told him I knew about he and OW. He looked like a deer caught in head-lights and the 1st thing out of his mouth was "Don't blame OW." Well, he might as well have taken the 12" serraded knife which was already sticking out of my back and twisted it a dozen times....it would have hurt less. Right there, in that one phrase, he confirmed that everything I read about his love, etc, for OW was TRUE. And, right before my eyes, his mask slipped away...and I was able to see him for WHO he really is. He looked like my H, sounded like my H, but he was NOT my H. We talked for hours....no yelling...but a lot of tears.

 

Currently, we are together, but strictly as partners in co-parenting our kids. We are very good parents together. No tension or fighting or anything like that. I spent the 1st yr or so trying my heart our to R, but H did not want me....did not want to.

 

I am divorcing him when I feel my kids are mature enough and have the tools to cope best with our divorce...certainly after my youngest turns 18...sometime after 2016.

[MizFit]

What felt like a 'veil'... came down over my head when I realized the intimate nature of some of the wording on the 1st few stips. I think this is what 'shock' is. I was on auto-pilot all night and was unable to absorb what I was piecing together. I very carefully retied the bag and returned it to it's location so that my H would not notice I had been tampering with it all night. I called my best friend early the next morning and asked her to meet me in a parking lot. I told my H that I was meeting my friend...nothing unusual there. So, when he was distracted, I snatched the bad and ran out the door with it...and hopped in my van. I hoped he wouldn't notice that it was missing. I had the letter fragments of what I had already assembled deep in the bottom of my pocketbook.

 

I needed for my friend to read the letters so that she could tell me what I suspected they were. I needed confirmation because I was so totally shocked. I thought my H and I had a really GOOD marriage. I thought we were happy. A LTA made NO SENSE to me...and was so inconsistant with WHO I beleived my H to be.

 

My friend confirmed what they were. My 1st reaction was 'OMG, my kids'...as they were having the exact childhoods thus far that I had always wanted for my kids. I was crushed that they would have to go through the divorce, etc. Having discovered throuh the letters that the LTA had ended, I decided right then and there that I would pretend NOT to know it ever happened to spare my kids the shock, saddness, pain, etc.

 

But, by that evening, after the betrayal really started to sink in, I realized that I could not do it. Especially, after I finished assembling all the letters. I had to confront my H that night. The kids were sound asleep when my H came home rather late. I was sitting on the sofa waiting for him with copies of the letters in my hand (he was NOT going to get the originals EVER.) When he walked in the door, I told him I knew about he and OW. He looked like a deer caught in head-lights and the 1st thing out of his mouth was "Don't blame OW." Well, he might as well have taken the 12" serraded knife which was already sticking out of my back and twisted it a dozen times....it would have hurt less. Right there, in that one phrase, he confirmed that everything I read about his love, etc, for OW was TRUE. And, right before my eyes, his mask slipped away...and I was able to see him for WHO he really is. He looked like my H, sounded like my H, but he was NOT my H. We talked for hours....no yelling...but a lot of tears.

 

Currently, we are together, but strictly as partners in co-parenting our kids. We are very good parents together. No tension or fighting or anything like that. I spent the 1st yr or so trying my heart our to R, but H did not want me....did not want to.

 

I am divorcing him when I feel my kids are mature enough and have the tools to cope best with our divorce...certainly after my youngest turns 18...sometime after 2016.

 

Once again I say wow.

 

I can't offer you any advice or anything but hugs and this little tidbit. My parents stayed together for us and made us miserable. As an adult I told my mother she should have divorced him rather than stayed together in our name...please just watch your kids and think of this-you deserve more out of your life than being nothing but a coparent. Don't waste that time and lose yourself...I know you have the kids at heart, but kids often reflect parents and are much more aware than you suspect.

 

I know that's none of my business and I apologize.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world...

[MadMission]

Once again I say wow.

 

I can't offer you any advice or anything but hugs and this little tidbit. My parents stayed together for us and made us miserable. As an adult I told my mother she should have divorced him rather than stayed together in our name...please just watch your kids and think of this-you deserve more out of your life than being nothing but a coparent. Don't waste that time and lose yourself...I know you have the kids at heart, but kids often reflect parents and are much more aware than you suspect.

 

I know that's none of my business and I apologize.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world...

 

I appreciate your comments. And, believe me, I totally agree with you about splitting, and agree it is in the best interest of the kids to do so, if/when there is ugliness of any form between the parents. But, that is simply not the case here...at all. My kids have been totally unscathed by my HW's betrayal. He and I have kept it very private between US, where I believe it belongs. I was able to (miraculously) keep it together...so they never saw me upset, etc. I was a SAHM at the time and tried to remain for them the mom I had always been. And, when they left for school, I was basically a wreck all day...until they came home. My WH and I only had 'talks' during the 1st yr post d-day...until I eventually realized that the talks were futile and confirmed he had no interest in R. When we did talk, it was never even within earshot of the kids. Despite what most people assume, my kids do not know.

 

I seriously considered D during the 2nd yr. as I knew my M was over. In preparation, I began to do a lot of extensive research on how to emotionally manage and support the kids. EVERYTHING I read said the same thing: It is in the best interest of the kids to remain together as long as there is no tension/fighting/etc between parents. Well, this was us. While there are certainly many cons for ME in staying with my WH, it's ALL GOOD for my kids. I am one person...they are 3. I cannot and will not risk the well being of my 3 kids..for my own. I feel confident everyday that I am doing the right thing. And, it IS what I want...I wouldn't have it any other way. I would walk through fire for my kids...if it was in their best interest to do so.

 

I grew up with much tension and yelling in my home. I hated it. Wished my parents would have divorced, too. And, I would NEVER put my kids through that. I would D in a heartbeat if that were the case. But, it's not.

 

It's just not ALL ABOUT ME. It's just NOT. I do have hopes and dreams to someday meet a good man...preferably a fellow BS. I can have it all...just not at the same time. Right now, my kids are good...and THAT is ALL that matters to me.

 

Thanks for you thoughts and comments...

[MizFit]

I appreciate your comments. And, believe me, I totally agree with you about splitting, and agree it is in the best interest of the kids to do so, if/when there is ugliness of any form between the parents. But, that is simply not the case here...at all. My kids have been totally unscathed by my HW's betrayal. He and I have kept it very private between US, where I believe it belongs. I was able to (miraculously) keep it together...so they never saw me upset, etc. I was a SAHM at the time and tried to remain for them the mom I had always been. And, when they left for school, I was basically a wreck all day...until they came home. My WH and I only had 'talks' during the 1st yr post d-day...until I eventually realized that the talks were futile and confirmed he had no interest in R. When we did talk, it was never even within earshot of the kids. Despite what most people assume, my kids do not know.

 

I seriously considered D during the 2nd yr. as I knew my M was over. In preparation, I began to do a lot of extensive research on how to emotionally manage and support the kids. EVERYTHING I read said the same thing: It is in the best interest of the kids to remain together as long as there is no tension/fighting/etc between parents. Well, this was us. While there are certainly many cons for ME in staying with my WH, it's ALL GOOD for my kids. I am one person...they are 3. I cannot and will not risk the well being of my 3 kids..for my own. I feel confident everyday that I am doing the right thing. And, it IS what I want...I wouldn't have it any other way. I would walk through fire for my kids...if it was in their best interest to do so.

 

I grew up with much tension and yelling in my home. I hated it. Wished my parents would have divorced, too. And, I would NEVER put my kids through that. I would D in a heartbeat if that were the case. But, it's not.

 

It's just not ALL ABOUT ME. It's just NOT. I do have hopes and dreams to someday meet a good man...preferably a fellow BS. I can have it all...just not at the same time. Right now, my kids are good...and THAT is ALL that matters to me.

 

Thanks for you thoughts and comments...

 

You're amazing...your H is both both blind and stupid.

[MadMission]

Don't waste time and lose yourself. ~ You're amazing...your H is both both blind and stupid.

 

Thanks ~

 

This ordeal has been a nightmare which I wouldn't wish on anyone, and certainly wish had never happend to me.

 

I am very focused, determined, and have such purpose in my life that I don't feel at all that I am wasting time. Nor have I lost myself. As a matter of fact, I have never felt so confident and self-assured as to WHO I am. When you realize that you are no longer a part of one another, no longer one, and that you truely are ALONE...and have only yourself to rely on, it sort of forces a self-analysis...and the result yields such clarity. I stand alone. I KNOW WHO I AM. And, I like myself. I am good.

 

As far as my WH, I guess he is blind and stupid. He had a good W. Emphasis on HAD.

[White Flower]

What felt like a 'veil'... came down over my head when I realized the intimate nature of some of the wording on the 1st few stips. I think this is what 'shock' is. I was on auto-pilot all night and was unable to absorb what I was piecing together. I very carefully retied the bag and returned it to it's location so that my H would not notice I had been tampering with it all night. I called my best friend early the next morning and asked her to meet me in a parking lot. I told my H that I was meeting my friend...nothing unusual there. So, when he was distracted, I snatched the bad and ran out the door with it...and hopped in my van. I hoped he wouldn't notice that it was missing. I had the letter fragments of what I had already assembled deep in the bottom of my pocketbook.

 

I needed for my friend to read the letters so that she could tell me what I suspected they were. I needed confirmation because I was so totally shocked. I thought my H and I had a really GOOD marriage. I thought we were happy. A LTA made NO SENSE to me...and was so inconsistant with WHO I beleived my H to be.

 

My friend confirmed what they were. My 1st reaction was 'OMG, my kids'...as they were having the exact childhoods thus far that I had always wanted for my kids. I was crushed that they would have to go through the divorce, etc. Having discovered throuh the letters that the LTA had ended, I decided right then and there that I would pretend NOT to know it ever happened to spare my kids the shock, saddness, pain, etc.

 

But, by that evening, after the betrayal really started to sink in, I realized that I could not do it. Especially, after I finished assembling all the letters. I had to confront my H that night. The kids were sound asleep when my H came home rather late. I was sitting on the sofa waiting for him with copies of the letters in my hand (he was NOT going to get the originals EVER.) When he walked in the door, I told him I knew about he and OW. He looked like a deer caught in head-lights and the 1st thing out of his mouth was "Don't blame OW." Well, he might as well have taken the 12" serraded knife which was already sticking out of my back and twisted it a dozen times....it would have hurt less. Right there, in that one phrase, he confirmed that everything I read about his love, etc, for OW was TRUE. And, right before my eyes, his mask slipped away...and I was able to see him for WHO he really is. He looked like my H, sounded like my H, but he was NOT my H. We talked for hours....no yelling...but a lot of tears.

 

Currently, we are together, but strictly as partners in co-parenting our kids. We are very good parents together. No tension or fighting or anything like that. I spent the 1st yr or so trying my heart our to R, but H did not want me....did not want to.

 

I am divorcing him when I feel my kids are mature enough and have the tools to cope best with our divorce...certainly after my youngest turns 18...sometime after 2016.

MadMission, you are a very good writer but even more I think you are a great person, mother, and wife. You trusted your gut instinct, caught your H, confronted him, and allowed him to stay with you in order to raise the kids. Wow, you are awesome!

 

The sentence I bolded resonates with me. I told MM (we're kind of estranged at the moment) that since our love had grown so deep and so intimate (raw honesty, not neccessarily the sexual meaning of the word) I wanted that for him in every aspect of his life, not just with me. His friends, his kids (adult), his family and peers should be able to see in him what I see in him. In order to do that, I felt he had to come clean or at least choose. I never thought I would ask him to do that, but I found myself willing to let him go if he didn't. I just couldn't take him being duplicitous any longer. I just saw it one day as clear as crystal and I thought it was sad, sad that his own wife didn't know who he was.

 

So I asked him to make a move one way or the other.

 

Of course he was/is afraid to show her all that. You can't fake intimacy and you can't force yourself to love someone after you've fallen out of love. But at least live up to it, don't pretend, and don't be a ghost of a man to your wife if you no longer love her. It isn't fair to her, to you, or to anyone you know.

 

I'm impressed that you care so much for your children, enough to try to keep it together for their life to feel 'normal'. Yet, I wonder if they notice the lack of love and affection and how that is affecting them. What are your thoughts on that?

[White Flower]

Nevermind MadMission, I see that you already answered the question:cool:. You are awesome.

[moaningmyrtle]

MadMission I have some questions for you. I'm asking them because I see some similarities with my situation and wonder if there is something similar in store for me. Please don't feel obligated to answer if they are too personal.

 

1. Does your H know that you have virtually given up on the marriage and are waiting until you children are old enough.

 

2. If so is he comfortable with this or do you have an agreement that this is what you are both doing?

 

3. If not how do you hide it from him - do you have to pretend that it's all OK for you?

 

4. Are there any changes that your H could make that might cause you to change your mind; or it the M too far gone?

 

5. When you said you tried everything for a year does this mean that you made efforts that he simply ignored? Did this include a more active "intimate" life?

 

6. Are you and your H still physically intimate with each other or has that now disappeared.

 

Sorry if some of these are 2 personal.

 

My situation is that I discovered my H's long-term affair (by finding e-mails) after it was over (well almost over apart from some efforts to reconnect). I have been giving it my all for the last 16 months, so far it appears successful but in my darker moment I wonder if I should just be doing what you are doing; or worse still I panic that that is what my H is doing but that I don't know.