JaneInVegas Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 You know when you are not alone inside SO's heart... This is so, so absolutely true ...
JaneInVegas Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Jane, I have followed your story a bit, so I need to ask you, what does EAP mean? Emotional Affair Partner? Ex Affair Partner? I guess it could go either way for the "E", but in my case I was using it for 'emotional', although I'm getting more confidant it's going by the wayside. He hasn't talked to her on the phone since November 13th, and the last email between them was a month ago. We've actually had two D-days. I'm a big fan of keyloggers
JaneInVegas Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I don't think that's true for a second....The only way you don't get caught is if your SO doesn't want to catch you. In today's electronic society, it's actually very easy to catch a cheater....They aren't the brightest lot in the bunch because often their emotions cloud their judgments. "Extremely careful" doesn't mean much. Everyone eventually overlooks some detail, some crumb left behind ... no one is perfect.
hopesndreams Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 Those of you involved in any part of the triangle...how did the affair come to light? Just curious to see what usually happens. I know in my case I disclosed my affair, but I know that a lot of times it is discovered other ways. Disclosing is cool. As the BS, besides all the gut instinct stuff going on for months, the clincher for me was when his blackberry went off and he read the text and then laughed. It was the laugh that did it for me. I just knew, right then and there, for sure, he was in cahoots with another. It was the type of laugh. It all fell into place after that. His off in space, his preening (more than usual) his change of speech (uptalking) and the not giving a dang what was going on in my life anymore.
jennie-jennie Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 I guess it could go either way for the "E", but in my case I was using it for 'emotional', although I'm getting more confidant it's going by the wayside. He hasn't talked to her on the phone since November 13th, and the last email between them was a month ago. We've actually had two D-days. I'm a big fan of keyloggers But you are not saying they never went physical, are you? I know they had a relationship for many years prior to your marriage. Sorry for going on about it, I am just amazed if an EA would continue on for so long, and even after your husband and you got married.
Hazyhead Posted February 6, 2010 Posted February 6, 2010 "Extremely careful" doesn't mean much. Everyone eventually overlooks some detail, some crumb left behind ... no one is perfect. Even if you were perfect, you invest half the security in the other person being perfect too. Two perfect people?!? I've never even seen one.
OWoman Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Those of you involved in any part of the triangle...how did the affair come to light? Just curious to see what usually happens. I know in my case I disclosed my affair, but I know that a lot of times it is discovered other ways. My last A... my H planned a "managed exit" and told his then-W about the A when he told her he was leaving. She didn't believe him. Besides that, I know of only one of my previous As that was ever "discovered" - albeit belatedly. The A had been long over (I ended it once I started working with the MM) but when his W started to work there too, some time later, she became suspicious and had a very public meltdown, accusing him of an A. It had a very bad end for the two of them - they lost their jobs, and were deported - though TBH it was so long after the event I'd pretty much forgotten that anything had ever happened.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 (edited) Never been caught. I 'outed' myself once to get out of a relationship, deliberately rubbed someone's face in it another couple of times (high school drama, literally), and another time admitted to a long ago boyfriend how much I had cheated on him so that he would finally get closure and stop seeing me as "the one who got away". I can think of another time or two I did an "after the fact" confession when it no longer mattered. I almost got caught once, and when I felt things coming to a head I managed to hook up MM with someone else and extricate myself. They got caught not long after that. He was sloppy and overconfident that he could never get caught. Edited February 7, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia
JaneInVegas Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 But you are not saying they never went physical, are you? I know they had a relationship for many years prior to your marriage. Sorry for going on about it, I am just amazed if an EA would continue on for so long, and even after your husband and you got married. They haven't been physical since about 2 years before he met me. I guess she ran out of excuses to give to her husband for reasons to go to Vegas. And we're not married yet, and I refuse to marry him until he's been "clean" for at least one full year. Right now marriage isn't on the table for either of us anyway, just doing the one day at a time thing.
Author Devil Inside Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Never been caught. Me either. I outed myself in my A after it was over. W told me she had no idea.
SleepingDog Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 My W showed lots of "red flags" which led to serious questioning on my part. She then half confessed to a "one night stand" with someone "in a bar" I didn't trust this story and started snooping: -inspecting phone records, too many calls to one number -her diary had his initials on the days they met. - keystroke logger --> got her passwords and found an exchange of emails which confirmed my suspicions. In many ways, it was as if she wanted to be discovered.
jennie-jennie Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 They haven't been physical since about 2 years before he met me. I guess she ran out of excuses to give to her husband for reasons to go to Vegas. And we're not married yet, and I refuse to marry him until he's been "clean" for at least one full year. Right now marriage isn't on the table for either of us anyway, just doing the one day at a time thing. Good to hear that he has not been physical with her since he met you. I think you are making a very wise decision in regards to not getting married yet. I wish you luck. Thanks for answering my questions.
OWoman Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Me either. I outed myself in my A after it was over. W told me she had no idea. Then, according to a post over on the OW board, you must be truly devious, and evil! My H's xW refused to believe him when he told her, instead insisting that it was all a ploy to force her back into MC... In their case it was no doubt because they'd led such estranged, separate lives for so long, so she wouldn't have picked anything up - but where BSs are genuinely shocked by a confession, one wonders - was the WS really that good at hiding things / gaslighting the BS? or was the M in a place where the BS and WS were out of touch with each other to the extent that something as big as that could really go undetected? (If the former - how does one recognise these evil types so as to avoid falling prey to them? or, if the latter, how does one stay vigilant about the state of one's R so as to avoid the complacency slump which allows that to happen?)
JaneInVegas Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 - keystroke logger --> got her passwords and found an exchange of emails which confirmed my suspicions. In many ways, it was as if she wanted to be discovered. Ya gotta love those keyloggers ... they tell no lies
confusedinkansas Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 How I got "caught".......Hubby probably suspected prior to this happening - My XMM hacked into my email account. (He was suspicious of his wife having an affair - WHICH SHE WAS....so he hacked into her's & mine at the same time-his reasoning, I can never trust a woman again.....Yeah I know how ridiculous that sounds considering what he & I were doing ) He forwarded some emails to my husband from my account. I realized that every time I had to log into my Yahoo account, it kept telling me my password was incorrect. I was forever changing the it- Didn't think of changing the "Personal Question" which for the other man easily figured out. When I realized that someone was hacking - I asked my husband if it was him. He said No. Asked the OM - He said No. (OM is VERY tekky - hubby - not so much) So I didn't think anything about it - Until my husband got the emails. He confronted me. Life was not fun for about a week after that. I still at this point didn't know who did it. When the OM & I hooked back up a year after being apart - He admitted that it was him. His reasoning - He wanted my husband to realized what he was giving up. That my husband should care more about me than the things he was doing at the time. In hind site - I should have ran for the hills right then. Didn't. The X & I stayed together another year or so after that. AND ~ We attempted "Friends" during my separation........How Stupid Am I Don'tcha just LOVE "Hind Site":cool:
on1wheel Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Catching her was the most painful & confusing experiences a human can go through. I felt guilty that I distrusted my W so much that I was doing it. But she had changed so much & there were so many signs that I knew it down to my soul. I caught her with a combination of a PI, a computer expert that was able to track the private messages & just finally paying attention to the time lapses, PC usage @ all hours of the night etc. I caution all people in an A that once your spouse starts digging you will undoubtedly be caught. It's only when we trust blindly that we miss the obvious signs. But once we take the "in-love" blindfold off, it's only a matter of time before you will be caught. We had a 19 mth old baby though, so I needed to know 100% before I divorced her. I knew that I would be ashamed if that 1% chance that I was wrong came true. I wasn't wrong of course, but the kick in the n*ts was that even after I found out ALL of the horrid details I wasn't able to leave. I made a promise to my child that I would die to save them from pain if possible; so living in pain/shame is certainly less than that. So I made the ultimate parental sacrifice & stayed for the sake of not condemming my child to the trauma of being from a broken home.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I knocked on my MW's door about 14 months ago...it didn't change anything with her situation. As for my situation...I told my ex about my MW about 6months after I moved out of my house. It was a exit affair and I'm single now. now I agree that her husband should have been informed and he deserves to know. however, you doing it seems kind of odd. looks kind of vindictive, but I digress, too bad for her cheating butt. and were you prepared to meet the husband and him possibly punching you in the nose while saying to yourself "I deserved that"?
Dexter Morgan Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 My OW came to the house one night and handed my wife a fistful of love emails .. Not fun. and your wife's reaction??
Dexter Morgan Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Never been caught. I 'outed' myself once to get out of a relationship, deliberately rubbed someone's face in it another couple of times (high school drama, literally), and another time admitted to a long ago boyfriend how much I had cheated on him so that he would finally get closure and stop seeing me as "the one who got away". I can think of another time or two I did an "after the fact" confession when it no longer mattered. I almost got caught once, and when I felt things coming to a head I managed to hook up MM with someone else and extricate myself. They got caught not long after that. He was sloppy and overconfident that he could never get caught. wow, seems like cheating is kind of a career for you:o
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) wow, seems like cheating is kind of a career for you:o It was, when I was younger, starting at 15(!!). A lot changed over the past ten years since the last time, and I can tell you this with 100% confidence: NEVER AGAIN. I went through some serious life (near death) changing events, and re-prioritized internally. Na'er a cheatee nor a cheater again. Edited February 10, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia
Joe Normal Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 It was, when I was younger, starting at 15(!!). A lot changed over the past ten years since the last time, and I can tell you this with 100% confidence: NEVER AGAIN. I went through some serious life (near death) changing events, and re-prioritized internally. Na'er a cheatee nor a cheater again. That's good to hear During your cheating days, did you ever worry about someone freaking out and trying to harm you (psychologically, socially, or physically)? Also, how did your former partners react once they find out? Hope you don't mind the personal questions.
samsungxoxo Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 Though I have never cheated, I would have done it without ever getting caught. It's easy doing it without them discovering you in the lies. Those who got caught either did it in the wrong time esp. if their spouse is not working, at obvious locations (don't do in your own house), leave trails of open account ims or emails, forget to delete the numbers on their cell phone, give out their home numbers to the affair partner, and basically start acting differently either by becoming too warm or very distant/frigid. There's only one simple rule to cheating without getting caught. If you have the guts to do it then don't make it so darn obvious. Now do not mistake into thinking I will be a cheater as I find that disgusting but what I'm trying to say is that if someone wants to proceed to do then they have to be sophisticated about it and prepare for the consequences along with back-up plans.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 It was, when I was younger, starting at 15(!!). A lot changed over the past ten years since the last time, and I can tell you this with 100% confidence: NEVER AGAIN. I went through some serious life (near death) changing events, and re-prioritized internally. Na'er a cheatee nor a cheater again. guess I'll have to take your word for it;)
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 That's good to hear During your cheating days, did you ever worry about someone freaking out and trying to harm you (psychologically, socially, or physically)? Also, how did your former partners react once they find out? Hope you don't mind the personal questions. I never worried about stuff like that. I was more worried about the idea of losing what I had and would always cut things off if there was too much of a threat to the status quo. As for physical harm, nah... I always gave off the "please give me a reason to defend myself and legally kill you" vibe. Plus, I had the 'my man would never go for a woman like that' thing going for me. It was very, very easy to get away with. Former partners, well ... one of them got incredibly angry but I brushed him off. He was way too young, the relationship was terrible, and I just wanted out. The other was my college boyfriend, who was stunned to hear how much of that I had done. He was able to finally let go and he has since moved on, married, had kids, happy, etc. One guy was the best friend to one of the guys I had messed around with. He wasn't upset or anything, he had figured as much what was going on. It was so far after the fact that it no longer mattered. I don't mind the personal questions. I have no doubt that it is all behind me now. So much happened over the past two years, so much that really put things in perspective and forced me to do that final bit of growing up that needed to be done. I was stripped down emotionally to the bone, and rebuilt completely from there. Few people get that opportunity. I surely won't waste mine.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 10, 2010 Posted February 10, 2010 I don't mind the personal questions. I have no doubt that it is all behind me now. So much happened over the past two years, so much that really put things in perspective and forced me to do that final bit of growing up that needed to be done. I was stripped down emotionally to the bone, and rebuilt completely from there. Few people get that opportunity. I surely won't waste mine. you are absolutely correct IMHO. Few people do get that opportunity and its rare in my book that a cheater changes. So if you are in the rare group, kudos.
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