beanzmom Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Hi Everyone: I won't go into the whole story, but basically H and I have not communciated for nearly 7 months. Let alone had sex. He is currently trolling the personals for one night stands because apparently I don't "put out" enough and he needs it like a fish needs water. mmm yeah. Loving people work on their relationships, they don't go trolling for whatever lands in their net to fulfill their own needs and possibly bring something home to their spouse. This is the fourth time I've caught him either chatting with women online (Internet sex), directly e-mailing them or soliciting for hookups. It started with the Internet sex when my son was 2. Now he's 9 and it's progressed to trying to hook up. Okay, so after 7 months of barely speaking, H comes over and gives me a kiss on the forehead and says "I still love you!" My response? "Hm. Yeah." I didn't even look at him when I said it. He has tried this past week to do more around the house. Instead of doing absolutely NOTHING he's made dinner twice. He doesn't pay attention to the kids, except for when HE wants to. He turns them away so he can read a book. He told me he would quit drinking if I slept with him anywhere and any time he wanted (basically, I was expected to act as an unpaid prostitute). I told him I'd meet him halfway. And I did. He switched to non-alcoholic beer and I stepped up the sex. I was happier. After about 3 weeks he started shutting me off. This was 7 months ago. No sex at all. He is searching the local city paper's personals and contacting these women for NSA sex. I found an email account where he is doing all this. When we were first married, I started giving up my friends. Lately, with the need to have a connection to someone stable and a support system that extends past my family, I've reconnected with my oldest and best friends. I'm starting to do things with them, such as quick dinners or lunches. I take the kids to meet their kids. I think H sees this as a threat. So how do I maintain a clear head in what I'm considering to be the king of all mind games? What do you think the sudden change of heart could be? Guilt over actually hooking up, or realizing that he's so far out of my good graces that there is little to no hope of coming back? The man has little remorse for his actions (He rarely apologizes), so there's little chance of him actually feeling bad about what he's done to me throughout our marriage and shifted blame to me.
Samantha0905 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 It sounds like you need to get away from him. Would you consider divorce? I think it's GREAT you are reconnecting with friends. You need a strong support system -- beyond your husband -- who apparently isn't providing much support, if any. Your husband is abusive. He's been trying to get hook ups since your son was two (probably earlier than that) and your son is now nine? How many hookups do you think he achieved? Why do you want to stay with him?
Author beanzmom Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 I don't want to stay with him. I'm with him now until I figure out how to get by on my own. I want to be away from him. It's been a long, hard road to get here. My family all tells me that he's been like this for a LONG time (mind games, not "INTO" me, not helping with the boys, etc.) but I never saw it. Thought a mom took care of the kids PERIOD. I do everything for the kids, for the house, etc. He plays computer games, reads and goes to bed. No worries. I handle the house, the kids, dinner, dishes, laundry, bill paying, all before I crash into bed at midnight. He doesn't so much as lift a finger in support. He's started not depositing his pay in our joint account. It's been over a month since he has, and then before that it was several pays. He said it was easier to deposit it into his mother's account (two blocks from his work, walking) which I do not have access to than it is to drive through our bank on the way home. He has not given me money for food or other necessities. Not even when I ask. So my pay has to cover ALL the bills and the food now, too. sigh.
Samantha0905 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I think I'd have to make him leave. Get an attorney. Move him out. I know it's easier said than done, but why wait? It doesn't sound like the situation is going to change. I realize this may make things extremely difficult financially -- but when there's a will, there's a way. It sounds like it could only be good for you and your children in the long run.
Author beanzmom Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 You are absolutely right. And I'm looking into various options, such as bankruptcy. I just need to get my ducks in a row. I felt so sad the other day when my oldest said, "a lot of time now, it feels as if Dad is a strange man living in our house". wow. How do I reply to that one?
Jeff1962 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Beanzmom. Sounds to me like your H. has severe insecurities. Maybe he is replacing these insecurities with sex so that he feels like a man. His telling you that he will stop drinking if you give him more sex only solidifies this thought for me. Ask your H. to go to individual counseling for at least 6 months. If you can see a change after this time then ask for the both of you to go to a marriage counsler but choose a different one because you cannot step into an already established counsler/client relationship. Make sense? Of course your friends are a threat to him, he cannot totally control you then. This is a form of abuse. Your H. needs help.
Author beanzmom Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Jeff: You are 100% correct. He has depression issues and self-medicates with alcohol. He comes from an abusive, alcoholic family and this is the only way he knows to cope. We went to MC for a year, after several requests by me to go. He finally caved when I said I wanted to separate after finding out he was propositioning women online. Yeah, that worked for a few months after we quit going (his doing...he didn't want to go anymore). He flat-out refuses individual counseling for his issues. The whole thing for him is lack of sex. He said I emasculated him by not putting out enough. And for turning him down. I tried to explain to him that I was not attracted to a man who smelled like alcohol every day and gave a rat's arse about my feelings. His whole world is sensory things...alcohol, sex, food, computer games. Very basal. He pretends to be an intellectual, but is far from it actually. He can't see the other side of things and will continually tell you it's black when you absolutely know it's white. There is little affection from him, even in the good times, unless he knows he's "getting some". He will not even hug me without demanding sex in return. He blames me for his morning erections. I think he's borderline sex addict. He has an extensive porn collection (which doesn't bother me in the least...honestly) and memberships in several online dating sites. His behavior of late is making me think he's got something up his sleeve. I don't trust him, he hasn't proven himself trustworthy in a long time. He doesn't show affection to me unless he wants something. And I made a vow to never EVER sleep with him again. I don't want whatever he may bring home with him...
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