Author girlintwocities Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 gosh its funny how different people are - your H sounds like a wonderful man - my partner father to my 10 month old baby has left cos i refused to abort the baby i am carrying for him. I have bent over backwards to make this man happy and try build a happy future together and I am devastated. Who knows what the future holds for you and your baby - but if your not in love with him then you should let him go find someone who is and will love him the way he deserves to be loved. I hope that you have a happy healthy pregnancy and experience the joys that motherhood has given me. x I'm so sorry tigereyes. Sounds like the MM I was seeing. You deserve better. If you are in love with him I hope he comes around to his senses one of these days.
Author girlintwocities Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 I told you that he would stay. It's all about his comfort zone and the lifestyle you provide him. I still maintain that he's the father of your child, too. I think MM is too old to conceive children. However, the above statement that your husband made would seriously piss me off. The biggest reason your marriage is in the shape it's in is because he isn't interested in sex. And now he has the nerve to say that he isn't perfect, that might cheat??? This is a truly crappy and ridulous thing to say to a wife who would like more closeness but can't get it. Unbeleeeeevable. Good question.. we both wanted more closeness, but he's not capable of doing that physically apparently.. (or just doesn't prioritize it). We saw a counselor for a long time about it.. The more the MD's get dates in here the less likely it is (probably less than originally estimated 5%) that it is my H's..
Author girlintwocities Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 "What he's in love with is called 'money'" he will going to get the half of every thing anyways ...he will loose more if he choose to stay,he has to raise a child of some nameless a** "no, but it doesn't mean I will be perfect forever either." whats wrong with it.....???? I brought this up with him.. asked him if it's really his lifestyle that keeps him around.. he said he was making okay money and can go back to okay money .. Im not sure I believe him.
Author girlintwocities Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 Why would he have a revenge affair? Does everyone here understand that this guy has basically emotionally abandoned his wife? He should be apologizing for being such a jackass and admit that he is just as accountable as she is. He has even indicated to her before that he was fine with it if she had an affair, he just didn't want to know about it. He's just having a fun time living off her huge salary and acting like a bachelor. And that's fine if they're both agreeable to it, but he already knew that she was cheating or was going to cheat. He basically gave her the go-ahead. He has no reason whatsoever to do anything for revenge. I dont see him having a revenge affair.. not his personality.. his motives for everything he's doing though are quite unclear to me and something isn't sitting right that is for sure. He went with me today to an OB appt and seems genuinely concerned for my health. He does realize he's in this too and the things we do or don't do in this marriage are mostly our own decisions and partly lack of being there for one another. You are spot on about his bachelor life style. I have a friend living in my home right now who is down on his luck (with his wife and their 2 kids) and he wants them out NOW because it "upsets his solitude"..
Author girlintwocities Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 While I believe that there is never an excuse to cheat on anyone, her husbands demeanor toward his marriage is a chilling shade of grey. Not a pass to cheat or even have revenge. Even he admits to his lack of marital co-existence. Not a good recipe for a successful marriage at all. He has as much enthusiasm about his marriage as a snail on xanax. Admitting his love, but is not proactive thereof. Agree 100%. He says he loves, and is here in my NY place (but it's like a vacation to him while I work 18 hours a day) but proactive not in the slightest. He cooks sometimes.. hehe
Author girlintwocities Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 What he's in love with is called 'money'. Again, all that's fine if they're both agreeable to the situation. If not, then it's time to do something about it. Whatever the case, he has no right to make the idiotic statement he made. I buried myself in work to not think about how frustrating the relationship was/is .. not a good way to handle it. I agree though that the time to do something about it is now.. When I try to imagine life with him with a baby, honestly it creeps me out.
Stung Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 (edited) Hi everyone.. Thanks for the note about the update. It was a good reminder amidst the bit of chaos in life to jump in here and update this. My H arrived last weekend and I gave him all the information that I had. He apparently had no expectations that I would not have an affair due to our M difficulties and my work schedule. That wasn't a big surprise, which admittedly was a bit odd. Apparently to him the 5% chance is enough to stick it out and work through it .. The only thing he asks if that if I ever find out paternity results that indicate otherwise that I keep it to myself. I'm grateful that he wants to be here for me and the baby, but a bit perplexed by his response and whether this is the best thing since we've had so many marriage difficulties prior to this point. Not sure this is the best environment for either of us. Thoughts? It's admirable that your H is willing to try to stick this out. IMO if you're going to try to put some kind of marriage back together here, marriage counseling is absolutely necessary. Cautionary word: while he is indicating a willingness to take responsibility for and assume love for the child now, if I were you I would not hold him to his word at this point. The baby is purely theoretical now, and will only become more real for him as the pregnancy progresses, when he can see the changes in your body, feel it moving. After it's born, it'll be a whole new ballgame, and IMO it could still go either way. He could take one look at the innocent newborn and fall in love, let go of any residual grudge and commit to fatherhood completely, or he could be overwhelmed by the sudden reality of the situation, haunted by the unlikelihood of his paternity. You shouldn't hold him to any promises he makes right now when he's in shock and not really grasping reality. EDIT: a little more caught up in reading now. If you really think your husband wants you only for your money, why keep trying to make this work? Did you think that before, or only now that he has not stormed off because of the pregnancy? Edited February 18, 2010 by Stung
Author girlintwocities Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 It's admirable that your H is willing to try to stick this out. IMO if you're going to try to put some kind of marriage back together here, marriage counseling is absolutely necessary. Cautionary word: while he is indicating a willingness to take responsibility for and assume love for the child now, if I were you I would not hold him to his word at this point. The baby is purely theoretical now, and will only become more real for him as the pregnancy progresses, when he can see the changes in your body, feel it moving. After it's born, it'll be a whole new ballgame, and IMO it could still go either way. He could take one look at the innocent newborn and fall in love, let go of any residual grudge and commit to fatherhood completely, or he could be overwhelmed by the sudden reality of the situation, haunted by the unlikelihood of his paternity. You shouldn't hold him to any promises he makes right now when he's in shock and not really grasping reality. EDIT: a little more caught up in reading now. If you really think your husband wants you only for your money, why keep trying to make this work? Did you think that before, or only now that he has not stormed off because of the pregnancy? We have a terrific counselor and gave lots of tools for us to use.. H admitted that he never really tried to apply any of them because he "couldn't" (whatever that means). I ended up continuing my own work with the counselor without him. I think the more this progresses the more he will commit to being a father - but I'm not certain of the reason why. He very well may be using it as a way to secure a relationship that he felt was slipping. Thinking he's here for the 'comfort' factor isn't a new thought that is for sure. Many others (including our therapist) have asked me (admitting he's a nice guy but wondered about things) if I ever had that thought or feeling as many of the things he said led them to believe that. The things he's said include referring to the home I bought for us as "his house" (could just be a slip), selling his cars to take mine, little things that accumulate over time.. I haven't taken those things too seriously because he's a bit absent-minded, and doesn’t think about what he says before he says them in many cases so I cut him a lot of slack in that area.. He may be here for genuine attempt at love (he may really love me), or he may not.. I get the feeling it is a combination of love and desire to keep things the way they are...
Angel1111 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 "What he's in love with is called 'money'" he will going to get the half of every thing anyways ...he will loose more if he choose to stay,he has to raise a child of some nameless a** "no, but it doesn't mean I will be perfect forever either." whats wrong with it.....???? What's wrong with it is that his statement was a veiled threat, and it was uncalled for when he has just as much accountability in the condition of the relationship as she does. He already told her to have an affair, and he already knows that he has emotionally abandoned her. So, where's the big leap that she's now pregnant by another man? For him to make that statement that he's not perfect and might end up cheating is competely arrogant on his part. This is no different than a woman refusing to have sex with her husband year after year and when he cheats, she threatens to cheat back. These are people who don't get the concept of accountability. These are people who think they can do as they please in a relationship and reap no consequences. These are the people who cry 'victim' whenever their spouse cheats or leaves them. As far as I'm concerned, people who emotionally abandon their spouses ARE just as accountable for the demise of the relationship as the person who cheated.
Angel1111 Posted February 19, 2010 Posted February 19, 2010 a1111, wow , what a hypocrisy.....did he ask her to have the affair....did he ask her to get pregnant by OM... she is the one left her H to be with other man, lived with OM and got pregnant.... ideally he should have kicked her to the curb.... even after all this s***, she only wanted him to be there cause she do not want to end alone....apart from that she has no feelings, remorse...nothing " he's not perfect and might end up cheating is competely arrogant on his part" even if he fallows through it ....i see nothing wrong in it.... Yeah, he actually did tell her that he was ok with her having an affair. He just didn't want to know about it. He knows he's distant and cold, he knows he treats his wife like a roommate. It's not what she wanted, it's what he wants because he doesn't like or want sex. But seriously, if that's the way he feels, he doesn't need to be married. If she didn't make a huge salary, I doubt he'd still be there. He knows exactly why this happened. I have no pity for people like this.
Author girlintwocities Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 Yeah, he actually did tell her that he was ok with her having an affair. He just didn't want to know about it. He knows he's distant and cold, he knows he treats his wife like a roommate. It's not what she wanted, it's what he wants because he doesn't like or want sex. But seriously, if that's the way he feels, he doesn't need to be married. If she didn't make a huge salary, I doubt he'd still be there. He knows exactly why this happened. I have no pity for people like this. I respect all of your opinions.. it's hard to ever know what is in the mind of anyone else. I do believe in taking 100% accountability for the actions I have taken and the resulting repercussions. It's tough to tell if someone is with you for money, contentment, or maybe he doesn't want to be alone right now either.. not quite sure. What I do know and completely believe is it's a recipe for long term disaster in terms of the relationship..
Author girlintwocities Posted February 19, 2010 Author Posted February 19, 2010 "If she didn't make a huge salary, I doubt he'd still be there. He knows exactly why this happened. I have no pity for people like this. " come on, he is at the advantage here,if he gets the divorce....he will get to half of all her assets....maybe spousal support...and he has his job....as far as i remember she was not paying any of his expenses while she separated from her H to be with other man.... any ways what kind of huge salary we are talking about here....??? he will loose more than she is, if he stays...... "I have no pity for people like this" me neither... We have a prenup.. we both take what we brought in.. so no he doesnt get more for leaving.
bentnotbroken Posted February 20, 2010 Posted February 20, 2010 If being married is going to jeopardize the pregnancy, then being married for any reason (and you don't really love him) it probably would be better to divorce now instead of waiting longer.
tigereyes1428 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 how are things - i'd love to hear how your getting on x
Dexter Morgan Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 We have a prenup.. we both take what we brought in.. so no he doesnt get more for leaving. that doesn't come into play with spousal support, or child support, or assets/monies accumulated while married.
torranceshipman Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I think you should ditch both guys - neither sound like particularly positive role models for your new baby. I can think of a few people I know - right now - that are either single parents - or raised by a single parent - and they are wonderful people and doing a stellar job. Actually one of those people is a student of mine back from when I worked in a community college. She was only 17 when she had her baby!-and she is an awesome mom, did it alone, mature and independent with a very happy son and has now developed a very successful career for herself. Going on what I see with her and others...you have a hard road but an awesome road ahead of you - don't mess up the kid with negative male role models - you're more than capable of doing it alone and doing it well.
Author girlintwocities Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Hi everyone.. thank you for your notes and messages. I think about posting to this board but I don't want to annoy people with old messages. My H and I are still married, and we talk every day about what we are going to do. My baby has progressed and is doing great.. 12 weeks today and had the first Trimester scan and Nuchal scan today.. He is healthy and all of the pregnancy related issues I had that led to four threatened miscarriages have all gone away. I am so thankful and grateful for that. I saw him move around today and it is amazing. (at the same time I am saying goodbye to a very close family member.. it is very weird to see new life begin in the same day you see life end). The MM is out of the picture.. he emails me often that he wants to leave his wife and wants to know if I will "have him if he does". I ignore his emails. Most likely my H and I will split up.. not because of this situation, but because of all the issues we have all discussed over the past 3 months related to my marriage to begin with. I'd like to start clean for the baby and for me, and for my H too. Tonight I am grateful for the life growing inside of me, regardless of how it got there.
bentnotbroken Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Divorce is hard but it can be done so that both parties come end up in a better place. Sorry for your loss and many blessings with the new baby. I pray that all continues to go well with your pregnancy.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Divorce is hard but it can be done so that both parties come end up in a better place. yes, divorce is hard......and yes, getting away from a cheater is a MUCH better place.
Disintegration Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I've been wondering how everything has been going with you and your situation. Wow so you're having a boy, that's great news congratulations, and I'm glad it all seems to be going well with your pregnancy! You just really need to focus on taking care of yourself and also for your babys health. Sorry it seems like divorce is imminent, but it may be for the best, for all of you.
Author girlintwocities Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 Hi everyone.. I haven't been on the road in four weeks.. With my family member so sick and being his primary care taker it has not been an option. I will get back on the road here very shortly for a week or so at a time instead of for months at a time. I just found out yesterday the MM told his W about me and the pregnancy. I have no idea why he would do that and haven't asked or inquired anything, just got the update. She wants to "make it work" and asked him to please "have me find someone to adopt the child" and just "forget what happened". No clue why he even brought it up when he was free of any responsibility or issues. The being alone thing is sounding less scary every day.. and Im actually looking forward to it a bit now.
cuppa Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Hi everyone.. thank you for your notes and messages. I think about posting to this board but I don't want to annoy people with old messages. My H and I are still married, and we talk every day about what we are going to do. My baby has progressed and is doing great.. 12 weeks today and had the first Trimester scan and Nuchal scan today.. He is healthy and all of the pregnancy related issues I had that led to four threatened miscarriages have all gone away. I am so thankful and grateful for that. I saw him move around today and it is amazing. (at the same time I am saying goodbye to a very close family member.. it is very weird to see new life begin in the same day you see life end). The MM is out of the picture.. he emails me often that he wants to leave his wife and wants to know if I will "have him if he does". I ignore his emails. Most likely my H and I will split up.. not because of this situation, but because of all the issues we have all discussed over the past 3 months related to my marriage to begin with. I'd like to start clean for the baby and for me, and for my H too. Tonight I am grateful for the life growing inside of me, regardless of how it got there. I was feeling depressed this morning and I read this thread. You and I are similar in some ways (turned ourselves into works to escape the reality of our marriages). Of course, you are in a harder place with pregnancy and everything but you seem to be strong enough to make what the right decision is. I am now in a process of starting a new life for myself and found myself scared (mostly for living alone and for making the wrong choice) & almost revert back to old self (maintaining status quo and throwing myself to works again).
Author girlintwocities Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 I was feeling depressed this morning and I read this thread. You and I are similar in some ways (turned ourselves into works to escape the reality of our marriages). Of course, you are in a harder place with pregnancy and everything but you seem to be strong enough to make what the right decision is. I am now in a process of starting a new life for myself and found myself scared (mostly for living alone and for making the wrong choice) & almost revert back to old self (maintaining status quo and throwing myself to works again). Oh man cuppa I feel your pain. I don't know about you but I have a hard time getting the marriage/relationship issues out of my head, but work is distracting "enough" to get me through the day. It's so easy to go back to the old way of doing things.. maybe in moderation(?) if we are capable of that. Congrats on starting a new life for yourself. I know how hard it is when you are afraid of being alone (and not even for a logical reason necessarily.. for me, it was feeling abandoned as I did as a child.. so I had "backups" of everything including relationships so I was "more assured I would not be alone" but in the end that choice becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It is very hard to battle that every day and takes a lot of strength. I pray you continue to have it and make the best life for yourself possible.
califnan Posted March 27, 2010 Posted March 27, 2010 Forgive me for posting without reading the entire thread yet .. Just wanted to reinterate to you what a Blessing you will be receiving with your baby .. Take care .. and I hope you can reach a place where you will be able to slowly ease off with too much work related activity ... I delivered too early ..
Author girlintwocities Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 Forgive me for posting without reading the entire thread yet .. Just wanted to reinterate to you what a Blessing you will be receiving with your baby .. Take care .. and I hope you can reach a place where you will be able to slowly ease off with too much work related activity ... I delivered too early .. Thank you Califnan
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