Author girlintwocities Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Wow. That issue has come up on this site a lot lately. I have never, ever been around a man who wasn't interested in sex. But it seems like an epidemic lately. Well, then he serously didn't expect you to remain faithful when he shows so little interest. He may be a nice guy but he definitely has some accountability here, also. He has some accountability.. that is very true.. for the marriage as a whole.. not for my actions IMO.. Even the MM didnt care so much about the sex but the laughter, the fun, the intellectual connection.. kind of weird indeed.. I'd like a nice balance..
fooled once Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) Hi Angel1111.. I hear you about his reaction. It was stunning to me too.. particularly since he has grown children and knows how precious life is. I suppose it is because the situation complicates his life... I wish I shared your optimism about it being my H's.. he reiterated again when I had issues on a flight that if we lost this one we'd have another.. He seemed so sincere that it makes no sense to me at all. Right now Im a bit panicked and get this feeling of overwhelming "freak out" all over due to the situation but try to calm myself back down.. and as others have rightfully pointed out I may not have the financial stability forever so need to plan for the worst, although the idea of having the MM in the baby's life is scary too.. Please please quit talking to him. You are talking to him more than your H it seems. After this man wanted an abortion and prayed for a miscarriage -- how - H O W - can you talk to him? What a monster he is -- not just for these thoughts but like someone said -- how he only married his current wife so she can be the kids 'mother'. He has no respect for her, he has no gratitude for her and what she has done (and probably endured with his kids). He is a selfish pig and I don't see how you can even speak to him. but, I guess there is some reason you are continuing this affair with him. Whatever God has planned for the baby is what is going to happen. The phrase "let go and let God" comes to mind. ETA: You travel quite a bit, correct? So truthfully, you really have no idea what your H is doing when you are gone. He could very well be having an affair. Maybe, and I don't mean this as nasty as it is going to sound, maybe he just isn't into sex with you? Maybe you don't do it for him anymore? You just never know. Good luck. Edited February 11, 2010 by fooled once
Author girlintwocities Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Please please quit talking to him. You are talking to him more than your H it seems. After this man wanted an abortion and prayed for a miscarriage -- how - H O W - can you talk to him? What a monster he is -- not just for these thoughts but like someone said -- how he only married his current wife so she can be the kids 'mother'. He has no respect for her, he has no gratitude for her and what she has done (and probably endured with his kids). He is a selfish pig and I don't see how you can even speak to him. but, I guess there is some reason you are continuing this affair with him. Whatever God has planned for the baby is what is going to happen. The phrase "let go and let God" comes to mind. ETA: You travel quite a bit, correct? So truthfully, you really have no idea what your H is doing when you are gone. He could very well be having an affair. Maybe, and I don't mean this as nasty as it is going to sound, maybe he just isn't into sex with you? Maybe you don't do it for him anymore? You just never know. Good luck. You could be right.. if that's the case Ive never done it for him.. hehe And his previous wife didnt either (that is why they divorced, according to him).. but it is possible. It's even entered my mind he's not into women at all... but yep I do travel *a lot*. I have talked with the MM but definitely not more than my H these past few days.. MM has been logistics.. but I do hear your point, and I do agree his actions regarding the baby are inexcusable..
Trimmer Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 You could be right.. if that's the case Ive never done it for him.. hehe And his previous wife didnt either (that is why they divorced, according to him).. That's a very interesting point, and if you don't want to get into it here, I'll respect that - just say the word and I'll withdraw. But let me understand if I'm reading you correctly: his previous wife didn't arouse his interest, and that was why they divorced. Do you know whether one or the other of them drove that decision? In other words, did the wife get more disgruntled with his lack of interest, or did he get frustrated that she didn't turn him on? Because either of those possibilities has interesting implications for your own marriage dynamic, as doesn't it sound like it's repeating itself? If he chose to leave last time out of not being sexually interested in her, how is he now so apparently content with so little sexual interest? On the other hand, if she chose to leave because of his lack of sexual interest, then that sounds like a pretty good parallel to your current situation. Either way, an interesting comment.
Angel1111 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 If he chose to leave last time out of not being sexually interested in her, how is he now so apparently content with so little sexual interest? What I wonder is why do people who dislike sex decide to get married when they know this is going to be an issue? I mean, if they're upfront about it, saying 'You know I'm not into sex and that's the way it's going to be in our marriage', I could understand. But I don't understand deliberate misrepresentation because that will never end well. OP, no one is ever 100% certain about anything where another person is concerned. Even if you never travelled, you still wouldn't know for sure what he's doing. I've been in an affair and I know the level of deceit that goes on; so do you, for that matter. But your H really doesn't seem overly concerned about the fact that you're having an affair, he just doesn't want to know the details. I think he's too happy with the comfort level and lifestyle you provide for him. I don't think he's going anywhere. He'll probably just be concerned about what to say to others to make them think the baby is his.
bentnotbroken Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 SWhat I wonder is why do people who dislike sex decide to get married when they know this is going to be an issue? I mean, if they're upfront about it, saying 'You know I'm not into sex and that's the way it's going to be in our marriage', I could understand. But I don't understand deliberate misrepresentation because that will never end well. OP, no one is ever 100% certain about anything where another person is concerned. Even if you never travelled, you still wouldn't know for sure what he's doing. I've been in an affair and I know the level of deceit that goes on; so do you, for that matter. But your H really doesn't seem overly concerned about the fact that you're having an affair, he just doesn't want to know the details. I think he's too happy with the comfort level and lifestyle you provide for him. I don't think he's going anywhere. He'll probably just be concerned about what to say to others to make them think the baby is his. You seem to know a lot about the mind of a person who has no sexual desire or no desire to cheat. It is possible. Some people don't deceive because they don't feel the need to do so. They don't cheat because they don't feel the need to do so. I don't know if her H is cheating or not. But " I DO" know it is possible to not cheat because the marriage isn't what you want it to be. Her H could be seething inside(let's hope not) but doesn't show it on the outside. Just saying.
Author girlintwocities Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 That's a very interesting point, and if you don't want to get into it here, I'll respect that - just say the word and I'll withdraw. But let me understand if I'm reading you correctly: his previous wife didn't arouse his interest, and that was why they divorced. Do you know whether one or the other of them drove that decision? In other words, did the wife get more disgruntled with his lack of interest, or did he get frustrated that she didn't turn him on? Because either of those possibilities has interesting implications for your own marriage dynamic, as doesn't it sound like it's repeating itself? If he chose to leave last time out of not being sexually interested in her, how is he now so apparently content with so little sexual interest? On the other hand, if she chose to leave because of his lack of sexual interest, then that sounds like a pretty good parallel to your current situation. Either way, an interesting comment. Hi.. good points.. Ive thought about it so many times I have lost count. He stopped having sex with her, and when he wanted to resume after several years she had had enough of it and left him.. he says that he's only interested in sex the first couple of months of a relationship and then it dies off. Unfortunately he didnt explain that prior to marriage..
Author girlintwocities Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 S You seem to know a lot about the mind of a person who has no sexual desire or no desire to cheat. It is possible. Some people don't deceive because they don't feel the need to do so. They don't cheat because they don't feel the need to do so. I don't know if her H is cheating or not. But " I DO" know it is possible to not cheat because the marriage isn't what you want it to be. Her H could be seething inside(let's hope not) but doesn't show it on the outside. Just saying. I think its possible he is upset on the inside.. but I am quite certain he isn't cheating.. Some people don't go there no matter how bad a marriage gets, and he's one of them. It's as if two good friends are living together. If I ask him to have sex with me he will, and do so seemingly quite happily. But, he'll never initiate it.. after awhile, it makes some women (like myself) not ask anymore.
Impudent Oyster Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 --Thanks but I do.. I've made mistakes but I'm not a sociopath. I'm curious why you think abortion is the best option here if I am capable of caring for the child.. I don't understand this, are you saying that only a sociopath would have an abortion? I'm curious about something that you never mentioned, were you using birth control? Yes, it makes a difference in how you should handle this.
Impudent Oyster Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 Wow. This breaks my heart. Your husband left because of the baby? Thanks for the offer to talk. What would be your recommendation going down this road? Did you want to stay with your H? Would he have stayed if you wanted to? Most men (and women too), leave a marriage when there is a pregnancy between the AP's. Very few spouses can tolerate that kind of a blow. It is commonly considered to be the ultimate betrayal.
Author girlintwocities Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 I don't understand this, are you saying that only a sociopath would have an abortion? I'm curious about something that you never mentioned, were you using birth control? Yes, it makes a difference in how you should handle this. No no no not saying that at all. Circumstances determine if someone has an abortion. That isn't for me to judge or draw conclusions about. I was stating the MM is a clinical sociopath, and the sentence was run together so it seemed as though I was creating causality when I was not... I mentioned several times that I was on birth control and have been for 17 years.. why would that change how I should handle it?
Impudent Oyster Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 No no no not saying that at all. Circumstances determine if someone has an abortion. That isn't for me to judge or draw conclusions about. I was stating the MM is a clinical sociopath, and the sentence was run together so it seemed as though I was creating causality when I was not... I mentioned several times that I was on birth control and have been for 17 years.. why would that change how I should handle it? IMO, if you weren't doing everything in your power to prevent a pregnancy, then, (and this is just my opinion), it seems that the pregnancy was not entirely accidental. You mentioned that the MM said he wanted to have a baby with you, you can't possibly believe that he meant that? You do know he was just saying what he thought you wanted to hear? How can a man who is married to someone else even make a statement like that? It's absurd, IMO, and should be a huge red flag. Regardless, you're pregnant now, the MM clearly does NOT want you to have this baby, nor did he ever. Your husband, unless he is one in a million, will likely leave you. It's a rare man who will raise the child of a man his wife was cheating on him with. It's up to you to decide whether you want to raise a child alone. I wouldn't let the MM off the hook for child support...the fact that you're thinking of doing that indicates to me (again, just my opinion), that this was not the accident you claim it to be. You have to be truthful with yourself first.
Trimmer Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 I don't understand this, are you saying that only a sociopath would have an abortion? If you check that post, her "not a sociopath" comment was a response to a poster who directly stated, as fact, that she had no ethics or morality.
Author girlintwocities Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 If you check that post, her "not a sociopath" comment was a response to a poster who directly stated, as fact, that she had no ethics or morality. Exactly.. also made a reference at one point to the MM who has been diagnosed as mildly sociopathic..
Author girlintwocities Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 Exactly.. also made a reference at one point to the MM who has been diagnosed as mildly sociopathic.. Yep ... It's hard to come in mid-thread and have things make sense.. just got back from the doc, looks like things are moving along okay so that is some good news..
tigereyes1428 Posted February 11, 2010 Posted February 11, 2010 excellent - have you managed to tell H yet?
Author girlintwocities Posted February 11, 2010 Author Posted February 11, 2010 excellent - have you managed to tell H yet? He comes out here tomorrow night. *sigh* Not looking forward to that conversation, though no matter how he reacts it will be good to just level the honesty field with everyone and reduce that stress factor that the web of lies created..
Author girlintwocities Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 Hi everyone.. Thanks for the note about the update. It was a good reminder amidst the bit of chaos in life to jump in here and update this. My H arrived last weekend and I gave him all the information that I had. He apparently had no expectations that I would not have an affair due to our M difficulties and my work schedule. That wasn't a big surprise, which admittedly was a bit odd. Apparently to him the 5% chance is enough to stick it out and work through it .. The only thing he asks if that if I ever find out paternity results that indicate otherwise that I keep it to myself. I'm grateful that he wants to be here for me and the baby, but a bit perplexed by his response and whether this is the best thing since we've had so many marriage difficulties prior to this point. Not sure this is the best environment for either of us. Thoughts?
scorpmale003 Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 probably he is in desperation,delusion, i strongly suggest let him go,file D.... you already know the baby is not going to be his....what is that you got to loose any ways...
Author girlintwocities Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 probably he is in desperation,delusion, i strongly suggest let him go,file D.... you already know the baby is not going to be his....what is that you got to loose any ways... Tend to think you're right.. perhaps the thing I have to lose is being alone during the process.. I do know that and I did tell him that it probably won't be, and he just doesn't want to know if that's the case.. reminds me of MM's W.. wants to bury her head in the sand.
Disintegration Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Hi everyone.. Thanks for the note about the update. It was a good reminder amidst the bit of chaos in life to jump in here and update this. My H arrived last weekend and I gave him all the information that I had. He apparently had no expectations that I would not have an affair due to our M difficulties and my work schedule. That wasn't a big surprise, which admittedly was a bit odd. Apparently to him the 5% chance is enough to stick it out and work through it .. The only thing he asks if that if I ever find out paternity results that indicate otherwise that I keep it to myself. I'm grateful that he wants to be here for me and the baby, but a bit perplexed by his response and whether this is the best thing since we've had so many marriage difficulties prior to this point. Not sure this is the best environment for either of us. Thoughts? I've been wondering about your situation, thanks for updating us. I am highly shocked your H wants to stay together and work it out, considering the circumstance. How did he take the news? Was he frantic, or calm? Just wondering. I think he is in heavy denial right now. So basically if he isn't the father he doesn't want you to inform him. He seems like a stand up guy for accepting the news and still wanting to continue on with you. If he is willing to stay do you think you can overcome such betrayal? I know extensive counseling is in order. Do you think he will ever throw your affair in your face and deny the possibility of him being the father to your child? He might go through stages but only you know how he will react. Are you still speaking to the MM?
Author girlintwocities Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 I've been wondering about your situation, thanks for updating us. I am highly shocked your H wants to stay together and work it out, considering the circumstance. How did he take the news? Was he frantic, or calm? Just wondering. I think he is in heavy denial right now. So basically if he isn't the father he doesn't want you to inform him. He seems like a stand up guy for accepting the news and still wanting to continue on with you. If he is willing to stay do you think you can overcome such betrayal? I know extensive counseling is in order. Do you think he will ever throw your affair in your face and deny the possibility of him being the father to your child? He might go through stages but only you know how he will react. Are you still speaking to the MM? Surprisingly he was pretty calm. I think I'd posted prior that he isn't an angry man or crazy guy really in any respect (although some might say him not leaving is crazy). He just asked a couple of questions, but he answered them for me before I could even say anything (like "how did this happen?" and then he answered "you are lonely in our M" before I had a chance to respond). It's been several days and he hasn't brought it up, with the exception of joking about it when we saw a television show where a child's paternity was in question. I don't think he'll ever throw the affair in my face. He even said he'd expect it to happen again as "no one is perfect". Honestly it is disconcerting. I haven't spoken with the MM in a week. He has been trying to contact me and I haven't taken his daily call or his emails.
Snowflower Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Tend to think you're right.. perhaps the thing I have to lose is being alone during the process.. I do know that and I did tell him that it probably won't be, and he just doesn't want to know if that's the case.. reminds me of MM's W.. wants to bury her head in the sand. I agree with the others here that your H is probably in a world of confusion and some denial. But he will begin to sort it out for himself eventually and then who knows what he ultimately decide. Maybe he is hoping that the child is his and can attempt to rebuild the marriage with you. Either way, it says a lot about him if he is willing to stick by you during this difficult time. I admit I haven't read this entire thread, but isn't it a bit presumptive to assume that the MM's W is burying her head in the sand about the A and the baby? Who knows what she is really thinking/doing at this point. Just because a BS doesn't immediately act upon the discovery of the A doesn't mean that they are just going to sit quietly forever.
Author girlintwocities Posted February 18, 2010 Author Posted February 18, 2010 I agree with the others here that your H is probably in a world of confusion and some denial. But he will begin to sort it out for himself eventually and then who knows what he ultimately decide. Maybe he is hoping that the child is his and can attempt to rebuild the marriage with you. Either way, it says a lot about him if he is willing to stick by you during this difficult time. I admit I haven't read this entire thread, but isn't it a bit presumptive to assume that the MM's W is burying her head in the sand about the A and the baby? Who knows what she is really thinking/doing at this point. Just because a BS doesn't immediately act upon the discovery of the A doesn't mean that they are just going to sit quietly forever. Knowing him as well as I do, I'd say he thinks this might be a way to hang onto the marriage... I agree it does say a lot about his character. I don't mean that the W is burying her head in the sand regarding the baby, but about his 20+ affairs in the past she's been confronted with.. agree though, who knows what she's thinking.
bittersweet memories Posted February 18, 2010 Posted February 18, 2010 Hi everyone.. Thanks for the note about the update. It was a good reminder amidst the bit of chaos in life to jump in here and update this. My H arrived last weekend and I gave him all the information that I had. He apparently had no expectations that I would not have an affair due to our M difficulties and my work schedule. That wasn't a big surprise, which admittedly was a bit odd. Apparently to him the 5% chance is enough to stick it out and work through it .. The only thing he asks if that if I ever find out paternity results that indicate otherwise that I keep it to myself. I'm grateful that he wants to be here for me and the baby, but a bit perplexed by his response and whether this is the best thing since we've had so many marriage difficulties prior to this point. Not sure this is the best environment for either of us. Thoughts? He might be in denial right now but prepare yourself he might change his mind and what nothing to do with you.
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