Pregnant with MM baby - Those with similar experience?

[girlintwocities]

Now I'm not saying this will happen, it probably won't, but are you prepared for your husband possibly deciding he wants to save your marriage once you tell him? That's not an entirely uncommon reaction for a BS. Sometimes they're sincere, sometimes they're just in shock and change their minds later.

 

Just something else to think about (as if you don't have enough already).

 

--hm. Well my H is an exceedingly nice man. Nice was never the problem. It is possible that he will want to save the marriage. I might go as high as 40%. Honestly if he'd want to raise a family at this point given the circumstances, I'm not sure what I would do.. that would be exceedingly kind on his part, but I can't imagine our marriage won't suffer in the long run. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt this man more.. We may not be a good match, but he is a good person.

[girlintwocities]

hmmmm... what are those assumptions that i made, you to feel uncomfortable....i see none....

 

mistake....????

 

it was deliberately planned and executed(how come it is a mistake)

 

--Actually I was on birth control and have been for 20 years, so no it wasn't deliberate.

[girlintwocities]

This is clearly NOT true.

He spent money on you and manged to hide or excuse it away.

 

I am just pointing out that what your MM says and what is...VERY different.

 

And let's face it...if the M is dead and of convenience as spoken by his children...telling the W will affect nothing...no emotion involved right?

 

See where I'm going...

 

--I do. I'm finding out more and more of what he has said to me isn't true.. I certainly don't think his wife thinks it's only convenience..

[girlintwocities]

 

My concern is your comment (I think you said, anyway...) that you wouldn't be able to keep making your mortgage without working this current job. As has been suggested, in spite of talk of nannies, etc., your current job may just not be compatible with raising a child, and certainly not a newborn.

 

So you should take a step back and look at the big picture: what might your life (and your career) look like for the next few years, and might you have to step back a bit career-wise, and if you do, would your child benefit from the financial support we assume is owed by its biological father...

 

 

You know, it's tempting to look at the options and try to find the one that looks like it guarantees you happiness. But in fact, you don't know for sure about what the path is going to be until you travel it - at this point, you only know what the first steps are likely to be. You seem to be a confident and thoughtful person: once you make your choice, don't just resign yourself to it's being "less sucky." Commit yourself to building your life, to building the life of your child, and to the idea that you will make this path a good one. You are not "stuck" travelling a completely predetermined course. You are building the rest of your life, and your family. Accept that this will change your life, and although you didn't expect this, accept that change - even huge change - doesn't automatically mean "sucky".

 

You get to do something - and it sounds like you have the intelligence and the means to do so - that lots of people dream of. Go earn that good fortune by doing your best, and being the best that you can.

 

 

As another father, I will agree with this. I was actually pretty ambivalent about kids, and assumed they would take over and "destroy" my life. Well, they did take over and change it forever, but I don't regret it for a minute, and I treasure my family and my life immensely.

 

Don't just resign yourself to jumping on and riding it out. Go make it what you want it to be.

 

--You have some of the best points in here. It does seem like a "sentence" at this point but the news is only a week old.. maybe that will feeling will change with time and as I begin to feel this as a child and not a "situation". Right now it is tough to see up from down. I have been ambivalent about children my entire life, hence the hard core never miss a minute birth control. So much for that.

 

You have excellent points about the ability to earn the same income and what the child deserves. I am assuming, and probably due to naivety on my part not having any kids, that I will be able to hold down the same insane schedule I have now and still be the best possible mother. My own mother was on bed rest 4 months with me.

 

The MM wants to talk this weekend and get a 'plan of action'. After his reaction and what he wanted to do I don't see the point. He cannot be trusted at all to do anything other than save his own skin. He said he's been in denial and needs to talk about it now. I'm 10 hours ahead of EST so it's very late here - will pick up the conversation tomorrow.

 

I love your attitude and thank you so much for your rational and passionate note about your children. You are right - this is an opportunity for a life and a family and it's also an opportunity to right some of the wrong's I have done and live life honestly for myself and my family, whether that is just me or includes my husband. No matter what I have to set this sail straight. I may be on the road with an infant to pay the mortgage but I will make darn sure this child is well taken care of. When I need to hunker down in one place to let him or her begin attachments and go to preschool and so on, I will do that and I'm sure by then all of this bad stuff will be a distant bad memory. I hope and pray anyway. I want to feel only love when I look in the baby's eyes and not just a reminder of how awful I have been to my husband. It is time to take control of this ship.

[girlintwocities]

This is clearly NOT true.

He spent money on you and manged to hide or excuse it away.

 

I am just pointing out that what your MM says and what is...VERY different.

 

And let's face it...if the M is dead and of convenience as spoken by his children...telling the W will affect nothing...no emotion involved right?

 

See where I'm going...

 

--He actually spent almost no money.. I paid for at least 80% of our expenses.. in the end he traveled and it cost him less than if he were alone.. but I do get your point completely.

[girlintwocities]

and advice seeking questions to the OW/OM forum. You are more likely to find those that have been in similar situations there that can offer support.

Though unintentional (for the most part), you are likely to get a lot of heat here. After all this is for support of those that have been betrayed. This is most likely the area your MM's wife or your husband would go to seeking support!

 

--Oh geez I had no clue about that.. thanks for pointing it out.

[girlintwocities]

No, they destroy the walls (crayons), the carpet (grape juice...what was I thinking?)...broken window (indoor baseball...bad idea)...toilets (one whole roll down...heehee, what fun...for them)...favorite suit (vomit)...

 

ahhh...kids...so giving.

 

And I hope this brings a smile to you...I would undo NONE of it.

 

Being a parent, a single parent too, is the MOST REWARDING experience on earth. You have unknowingly lived all of your days in black and white...and when this child comes...you will see the world in color. Its that WONDERFUL.

 

Right up until they vomit at 3am in your bed.

 

--lol First laugh in three days..

[Trimmer]

--lol First laugh in three days..

See - this isn't such a bad place to hang out after all..

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wouldn't do or say anything just yet until you know that you will have a healthy pregnancy. It is early yet, but with the age of the father I would consider having thorough tests for birth defects, etc.

[girlintwocities]

See - this isn't such a bad place to hang out after all..

 

I guess it depends on who you are talking with.. Ive been having mini panic attacks all night freaking out about this entire situation. I'm a writer as part of my job, and I will take this situation and see how many people I can help with it. What an awful feeling to know what you've done.

[girlintwocities]

I wouldn't do or say anything just yet until you know that you will have a healthy pregnancy. It is early yet, but with the age of the father I would consider having thorough tests for birth defects, etc.

 

My doc seems to think my risk of miscarriage at this point given my health is about 3%.. ?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't know that miscarriage would be a problem, but birth defects tend to happen more frequently with older men. Would finding a serious problem with your child developmentally or physically affect your decision in terms of involving the MM in your life and your child's life in terms of care?

[fooled once]

Thanks reboot.. what would be the motivation for doing that? Right now I can't think of any good reason to bring her pain. If I do that, it has to be for good intentions.. otherwise I'm not sure I could bring myself to doing that.. seems it's between him and her..?

 

HUH?

 

Between him and her? But where was your thought of their marriage when you were screwing her husband? I find this to be quite hypocritical.

 

You could always put the child up for adoption.

 

It amazes me -- so many affairs with these "best friends". Your best friend deceived his wife, you deceived your H, and even had the thought to try to pass off this child as his.

 

Where was the birth control?

 

Time to own up all you have done. A heart to heart open and HONEST conversation with your H is way over due. You have been using him so you don't have to be alone -- I don't even get that -- if there isn't really a marriage, aren't you alone already? What is he giving you -- money, someone to cook/clean for you?

 

I just don't get why people do this Why do people turn to others instead of turning to their spouse? Why do people not work on themselves before deciding to hook up with a married person? Why do we (because I had an affair) not respect ourselves enough to put up with the lies, to put up with the waiting, to put up with 'sharing' this person? And why would someone who supposedly loves us so much even ask this of us? If they loved us so much, why don't they move mountains to be with us?? That to me is the real question --- if he loved you SOOOOO much, he would have asked for a divorce already. If you loved him SOOOO much, you would have asked for a divorce already.

 

[fooled once]

--I'd want to know if I were her that is for sure.. She chooses to bury her head in the sand where her husband is concerned. He told me once she's asked almost monthly if he's having an affair. Despite whatever evidence she has, he says "no" and she believes it.

 

Truth is very powerful indeed. I hope that truth allows the child to have a happy life.. and for things to resolve. Even if this man decides he wants to stay in my life, I'm hoping I have the strength to say no.

 

You really have no idea if he is even telling you the truth. You don't know her. You don't know what really goes on in their home. You are listening to someone who chose to lie and deceive his wife. Why do you think he is telling you the truth?????

[fooled once]

My doctor told me ANYONE is at risk to have a miscarriage -- doesn't matter to much if you are in perfect health or poor health. It can and does happen to anyone -- there is no discrimination.

 

[sIZE=2][COLOR=#222222]Miscarriage reportedly occurs in 20 percent of all pregnancies. However, according to some sources, this may be an inaccurate number. Many women, before realizing a life has begun forming within them, may miscarry without knowing it-assuming their miscarriage is merely a heavier period. Therefore, the miscarriage rate may be closer to 40 or 50 percent. Of the number of women who miscarry, 20 percent will suffer recurring miscarriages. [/COLOR][/sIZE]

 

That is what I got off the first google hit of miscarriage statistics.

 

I see that you were on birth control, but do you, MM, your H and his wife have any STD's?

 

As a parent, who raised my son basically alone for the first 9 years of his life (I was married, but my ex seemed to have no interest in his son and I divorced him when our son was 6), being a parent is the BEST experience of my life. I wouldn't change a single thing -- not who his father is, not a darn thing.

 

My son is my life. He is about to turn 21 and owns his own home and I am very proud of him. He is everything I ever wanted in a child. I never had another child because I knew I could never love another one the way I love him

 

That said, even with a good support system, it was tiring, exhausting, frustrating, heart breaking and I constantly wondered if I was doing a good job. I had parents who adored their first grandchild and helped me so much. I hope you have a good support system.

 

IF the MM mans up and accepts this child, his wife will have to be told. He will be entitled to visitation. Hell, he may get 50/50 custody. Be prepared for that. Be prepared to give up your child every other weekend, Christmas break, summer break. That is part of it.

 

Get child support. Put it in the bank, it can go towards college or a car or a down payment on a house. Like many pointed out, the child support is for the child. It isn't really up to you to decide if you should get it. If this goes to court, the courts will decide the amount, due day and if it is garnished.

 

Get a lawyer and find out your legal rights regarding the child. In some states, it doesn't matter who the biological father is, if you are married, the H is named as the father on record. There was court case where a man had to pay child support for 2 kids who weren't his because he was married to the woman when she gave birth. He didn't even get visitation rights.

 

Start being truthful. Get all the cards on the table. First thing you should do is tell your H. No planning sessions with the MM until your H is told.

 

End the affair. Any man who says "abort this kid and we will try again next month" is a cold hearted b*stard. What if you did and never got pregnant again? And you can't try the next month after an abortion -- you have to wait usually for 2 menstrual cycles to get your system back on track.

 

Start being truthful (did I mention that already?) You owe it to the man you chose to marry and stay with. You owe it to this child you are carrying.

 

So you want to NOW give the MM an ultimateum? Please. He hasn't left, he isn't going to leave. Give that dream up. And seriously, you really want this guy - a guy who wants you to abort the child and is basically hoping you miscarry? A guy you have to pay your own way to go see? A guy who is more than happy to have you finance your meet ups? Yuck. Seriously, what do you see in this guy? I mean, you could be his kid - his age IS a factor -- you could be changing diapers for your child and him. He is what 60 years old (you are 35 and you said he is 25 years older). Do you really think he wants to start ALL over with diapers and midnight feedings, etc?

 

You also need to start watching yourself -- get as much stress out of you life as you can -- this could affect your pregnancy. Start being honest

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. My advice -- dump this guy, get a divorce and enjoy your pregnancy. A year from now, God willing, you will have a beautiful, healthy child.

[lkjh]

I know you are going to take this as bashing but you really can't be in a right state of mind if you A) think a man that is 25 years older than you would ever make a good SO B) Think this guy is any where near a good person considering the fact that he "hired his wife to raise his children" and now they are grown so its ok to treat her like yesterdays garbage and C) consider yourself a moral person after all of this. Your ethics and morals are determined by your actions not your self reflection. I know a lot of people on here want to believe thats not the case but it is

 

 

Look you have the means to raise the child so just tell your H, break up with both, and rebuild yourself

[girlintwocities]

I don't know that miscarriage would be a problem, but birth defects tend to happen more frequently with older men. Would finding a serious problem with your child developmentally or physically affect your decision in terms of involving the MM in your life and your child's life in terms of care?

 

Well it would certainly require more financial stability but wouldn't change my desire to have it..

[girlintwocities]

I know you are going to take this as bashing but you really can't be in a right state of mind if you A) think a man that is 25 years older than you would ever make a good SO B) Think this guy is any where near a good person considering the fact that he "hired his wife to raise his children" and now they are grown so its ok to treat her like yesterdays garbage and C) consider yourself a moral person after all of this. Your ethics and morals are determined by your actions not your self reflection. I know a lot of people on here want to believe thats not the case but it is

 

 

Look you have the means to raise the child so just tell your H, break up with both, and rebuild yourself

 

I don't take it as bashing. I obviously made a bad moral and ethical decision. I think I am paying for that now 10 fold. I also agree that having him be a father is most likely out of the question.. It's easy to make assumptions based on age but there is more to a relationship than the obvious age issues..

[girlintwocities]

HUH?

 

Between him and her? But where was your thought of their marriage when you were screwing her husband? I find this to be quite hypocritical.

 

You could always put the child up for adoption.

 

It amazes me -- so many affairs with these "best friends". Your best friend deceived his wife, you deceived your H, and even had the thought to try to pass off this child as his.

 

Where was the birth control?

 

Time to own up all you have done. A heart to heart open and HONEST conversation with your H is way over due. You have been using him so you don't have to be alone -- I don't even get that -- if there isn't really a marriage, aren't you alone already? What is he giving you -- money, someone to cook/clean for you?

 

I just don't get why people do this Why do people turn to others instead of turning to their spouse? Why do people not work on themselves before deciding to hook up with a married person? Why do we (because I had an affair) not respect ourselves enough to put up with the lies, to put up with the waiting, to put up with 'sharing' this person? And why would someone who supposedly loves us so much even ask this of us? If they loved us so much, why don't they move mountains to be with us?? That to me is the real question --- if he loved you SOOOOO much, he would have asked for a divorce already. If you loved him SOOOO much, you would have asked for a divorce already.

 

 

I started considering adoption this morning, but I have the ability to raise this child myself.. I do agree that fundamentally this is a self respect issue. Sometimes we can think we're past many of the problems we faced but then our actions suggest differently later on down the road. BC was involved by the way. I have hated being second best and sharing and I do not wish to continue that at all. As of this morning he is revisiting leaving his W - Not only do I not believe him, but I don't want him to.

[girlintwocities]

You really have no idea if he is even telling you the truth. You don't know her. You don't know what really goes on in their home. You are listening to someone who chose to lie and deceive his wife. Why do you think he is telling you the truth?????

 

I have absolutely no idea..

[girlintwocities]

My doctor told me ANYONE is at risk to have a miscarriage -- doesn't matter to much if you are in perfect health or poor health. It can and does happen to anyone -- there is no discrimination.

 

 

 

That is what I got off the first google hit of miscarriage statistics.

 

I see that you were on birth control, but do you, MM, your H and his wife have any STD's?

 

As a parent, who raised my son basically alone for the first 9 years of his life (I was married, but my ex seemed to have no interest in his son and I divorced him when our son was 6), being a parent is the BEST experience of my life. I wouldn't change a single thing -- not who his father is, not a darn thing.

 

My son is my life. He is about to turn 21 and owns his own home and I am very proud of him. He is everything I ever wanted in a child. I never had another child because I knew I could never love another one the way I love him

 

That said, even with a good support system, it was tiring, exhausting, frustrating, heart breaking and I constantly wondered if I was doing a good job. I had parents who adored their first grandchild and helped me so much. I hope you have a good support system.

 

IF the MM mans up and accepts this child, his wife will have to be told. He will be entitled to visitation. Hell, he may get 50/50 custody. Be prepared for that. Be prepared to give up your child every other weekend, Christmas break, summer break. That is part of it.

 

Get child support. Put it in the bank, it can go towards college or a car or a down payment on a house. Like many pointed out, the child support is for the child. It isn't really up to you to decide if you should get it. If this goes to court, the courts will decide the amount, due day and if it is garnished.

 

Get a lawyer and find out your legal rights regarding the child. In some states, it doesn't matter who the biological father is, if you are married, the H is named as the father on record. There was court case where a man had to pay child support for 2 kids who weren't his because he was married to the woman when she gave birth. He didn't even get visitation rights.

 

Start being truthful. Get all the cards on the table. First thing you should do is tell your H. No planning sessions with the MM until your H is told.

 

End the affair. Any man who says "abort this kid and we will try again next month" is a cold hearted b*stard. What if you did and never got pregnant again? And you can't try the next month after an abortion -- you have to wait usually for 2 menstrual cycles to get your system back on track.

 

Start being truthful (did I mention that already?) You owe it to the man you chose to marry and stay with. You owe it to this child you are carrying.

 

So you want to NOW give the MM an ultimateum? Please. He hasn't left, he isn't going to leave. Give that dream up. And seriously, you really want this guy - a guy who wants you to abort the child and is basically hoping you miscarry? A guy you have to pay your own way to go see? A guy who is more than happy to have you finance your meet ups? Yuck. Seriously, what do you see in this guy? I mean, you could be his kid - his age IS a factor -- you could be changing diapers for your child and him. He is what 60 years old (you are 35 and you said he is 25 years older). Do you really think he wants to start ALL over with diapers and midnight feedings, etc?

 

You also need to start watching yourself -- get as much stress out of you life as you can -- this could affect your pregnancy. Start being honest

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. My advice -- dump this guy, get a divorce and enjoy your pregnancy. A year from now, God willing, you will have a beautiful, healthy child.

 

We were both checked for STDs.. we are both clear.

I spent all night laying awake staring at the ceiling and much of what I considered and thought about you mentioned here. This experience has taught me a lot about the type of person he is. I may have made a bad, bad moral decision, but I believe he's sociopathic (I have a very strong background in psych - too bad it isn't so easy to apply it to ourselves - doctors make the worst patients). Yes he is 60... and yes I wholeheartedly agree that priority #1 is to meet with my husband. I'm going to tell him the truth he deserves and I believe knows in his gut anyway, relieve him of that wondering, and try to be the best wife and mother that I can be. I hope that my H and I can work through this, though I can't imagine my wife being pregnant (95% chance) with another mans baby and hanging in there. If my H wants a divorce I'll make sure he has that as soon as the state allows.. I ran through every scenario last night while awake.. Being honest with my husband if he sticks through it will allow me to get support for the child after a paternity test and is the only possible route for me. In hindsight, I wish I had realized what I had with my kind husband before I went and screwed it up. Self destructive.

[overmyhead]

I had a baby by my xMM. My H knows and we are divorcing, although by his own choice he still sees the baby because he wants to.

 

xMM. Knows that the paternity test was done, doesnt want to know the results. Says he'll take care of his responsibilities if asked to but also has made it clear he prefers to work on his M with his wife without the child in the picture.

 

He disclosed the possibility of paternity to his wife, but she too would like to pretend it isnt there and sweep things under the rug.

 

And so, I have chosen to keep the paternity results to myself unless the xMM would like to know, but considering he has chosen to avoid his "responsibility" as he calls it for over a year now I will probably do what i can to keep him away. Afterall, he made the choice, and if he wanted a place in his baby's life he had every chance to be there.

 

This is a very very hard road. I'm not coping well, considering that with or without the baby in the picture i love this man very very much. Hes hurt me and so I am struggling with the loss of my marriage, my family, my MM and also the internal conflicts of doing whats best for my baby.

 

Let me know if you need to talk.

[girlintwocities]

I had a baby by my xMM. My H knows and we are divorcing, although by his own choice he still sees the baby because he wants to.

 

xMM. Knows that the paternity test was done, doesnt want to know the results. Says he'll take care of his responsibilities if asked to but also has made it clear he prefers to work on his M with his wife without the child in the picture.

 

He disclosed the possibility of paternity to his wife, but she too would like to pretend it isnt there and sweep things under the rug.

 

And so, I have chosen to keep the paternity results to myself unless the xMM would like to know, but considering he has chosen to avoid his "responsibility" as he calls it for over a year now I will probably do what i can to keep him away. Afterall, he made the choice, and if he wanted a place in his baby's life he had every chance to be there.

 

This is a very very hard road. I'm not coping well, considering that with or without the baby in the picture i love this man very very much. Hes hurt me and so I am struggling with the loss of my marriage, my family, my MM and also the internal conflicts of doing whats best for my baby.

 

Let me know if you need to talk.

 

Wow. This breaks my heart. Your husband left because of the baby? Thanks for the offer to talk. What would be your recommendation going down this road? Did you want to stay with your H? Would he have stayed if you wanted to?

[girlintwocities]

wow....from your initial posts....you left your H to be with OM , you and MM were living together,any thing that makes you happy is getting a D from H and live your life with MM....isn't it...

 

and you are " admittedly unhappy. your H has 0 interest in sex and has since you are married." ......all of a sudden why do you want to be a best wife....????

 

I feel it is the least I owe him.. but maybe that feeling will change.. maybe it's some sick need to try to make up for the wrongs...? I found out more lying and scheming the MM has done today.. to make sure any of his W's concerns would be covered if she asked about our trips. Im amazed. I shouldn't be at this point. After this mess with him, I can't look at the MM the same way.

[girlintwocities]

the least thing you could do to him is let him know that, you could have least bothered about him if it was worked out with MM the way you thought....

 

I will let him know that... good advice.