little_mouse Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I have no idea what to do. My fiance of 6 years told me last week that he is not sure how he feels about me anymore, that he loves me but is not sure he feels a "connection" anymore. In many ways I cannot blame him. I have had a number of very negative and traumatic things hapen to me in my life and these have effected the way I build and keep relationships with not just my fiance but the few friends that I have too. I have pushed him away constantly and hidden my feelings for fear of getting hurt, even though he is the kindest and most sincere person you could ever wish to meet. He is a true gentleman. I have been working really hard at letting my guard down, I guess just not quick enough. We are both devestated and have agreed to try and see if there is anyway in which we can work things out but right now Im at a loss as to what to do. I have said I will be patient and try and let him work it out, God knows he has shown me enough patience, but I dont know how to handle it all. One minute he wants it to work and is positive, the next he cant even look me in the eye. He says it is his fault, that it is him who has changed but I know he is just tryng to protect me and that it is my lack of intimacy that has ruined things. I am so angry for letting my past ruin my future. What the hell do we do? We're 32, live together near my university, hours away from home, have everything vested in each other. I don't have any friends that I am close enough to talk to about this and I have no family. He refuses to speak to his mum or dad about it because he feels he is letting them down and he refuses to go to councilling because of his uncertainty about how he feels about me. We have always been honest with each other and are only confiding in each other, and I am trying so hard to be strong, objective and patient but I have no idea how we should move forward with this? Any advice would be very grateully recieved because right now I feel like I am breaking.
thepulse27 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 First of all, the fact that he is talking this through with you is a very good thing. I went through times in my relationship when something wasn't right, and I thought the feelings were gone and the only thing to do was end it. But each time those feelings passed and I ended up more in love than ever. When my ex came across those feelings, she didn't give them time, and she didn't tell me about them, she just left. So I think him taking the time to think things over and put things in perspective can only be a good thing. I understand that things in our past can make it very difficult for us to open up to people now. But this is something you will have to work on (I know you know this and keep trying, it will be worth it), and not just for this relationship, but for you. If you can get to the point where you are happy in yourself, you will instantly find yourself happier in the relationship; and this will have an amazing effect on him as well. Keep the communication. Make sure he knows you are always there and always willing to talk or to listen. But don't force him to talk about anything if he seems reluctant, you don't want to smother him or drive him away. And remember, however this turns out; you will be ok. I have a lot of hope for your situation, and we are always here to help.
Author little_mouse Posted February 6, 2010 Author Posted February 6, 2010 hello pulse thank you for your reply A bit of an update: last night he agreed to go home for a few days and speak to his parents about it all. At the end of the day I know they are going to be biased (even though we all get on extremely well, they are his parents!) but at least it is better than him just stewing. I am just so confused. He keeps trying to explain how hes feeling but I just dont get it. He has said he loves me, feels protective and responsible for me, all of the usual things that you would expect your fiance to feel for you. But he refuses to let me remove our engagement ring (I have said he can give it me back as soon as he is sure how he feels) and he breaks down if I mention that maybe he just doesnt love me in that way anymore. On the flip side, he wont even kiss me now (I think for fear of misleading me) and he keeps going on about what will I do if we split up. Maybe I am focusing on the negatives, I dont know. I havent mentioned councilling again since him agreeing to go home for a few days but I think I will raise it before he goes so that it could open up at least another line of communication between us. I also suggested me staying with a friend next week as I strongly feel that some space might do him good. It will kill me but I dont think he can think objectively whilst Im around. He was vaguly receptive to the idea which im not sure is a good or bad sign but again if there is a chance it will help I will do it. I just dont know what else to do I have never been in this situation before. We have never been away from one another in 6 years.
pie2 Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 It seems that he's actually making some valid points about being scared to commit. Over the years, you may have displayed some fear of intimacy by pushing him away...? At this point, from what you posted, it seems that you may benefit from individual counseling. You never know, he may get inspired to go when he sees you becoming the amazing fiancee he knows you can be!!
Author little_mouse Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Well last night was bizarre. We had a talk before he went home to his mum and dads. I told him everything, things that I should have said a long time ago, and acknowledged things that I should have taken on board that he is not right with. I told him to not worry and that if he wants us to carry on we can go as slow as he wants, if not, then he cant stay with me because he is worried that I have no one (as I have already said he keeps going on about it, I know he is worried about this), it wouldnt be fair on either of us. I told him that I am going to get specific councilling for certain issues that I know I have, and that I would really like us to go to couples therapy. I told him that I was going to stay with a friend next week because he needs space away from me to do some soul searching and that its not fair on either of us being around each other while he is unsure. He is constantly aware of my needs and feels quilty around me, I read anything and nothing into every word he utters and every gesture he makes. I said I wouldnt contact him but I would be here for him no matter what the time, if he wants to talk with me about stuff then I will be here. He didnt really say all that much, just that he wants the same things as me he is just not sure he can do it. We both cried lots as expected but as soon as I said I was going to stay with a friend next week he broke down asking why was I leaving him and that he doesnt want me to go but that he also doesnt want to be around me???? How sad am I but it is 14 hours since he went and I am barely hanging on. I have no idea what to make of what he said, he is sending me such conflicting messages. Am I doing the right thing by going away from him for a week? How the hell do you cope with a no contact situation? I keep picking my phone up, sure I might have missed a text message from him and then I break because there is nothing. Im trying to keep busy but I am going up the wall. thanks xx
Devil Dog Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Not trying to be insulting, but why after 6 years of being engaged, haven't you married? It seems a little excessive for an engagement.
Author little_mouse Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 Not trying to be insulting, but why after 6 years of being engaged, haven't you married? It seems a little excessive for an engagement. Sorry, I havent been very clear there, we have been together for 6 years and engaged for just over a year. We were supposed to be getting married this coming Christmas.
Devil Dog Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 Sorry, I havent been very clear there, we have been together for 6 years and engaged for just over a year. We were supposed to be getting married this coming Christmas. Ok, that makes sense. But my question still stands, I see that kind of thing quite often, and I'm wondering if they really are engaged that long, or if its like your case.
Author little_mouse Posted February 7, 2010 Author Posted February 7, 2010 My fiance was at uni for the first few years of us being together, I have been at uni/higher education for the last 3 1/2 years so money has pretty much always been non exsistant. We have discussed getting engaged etc but my fiance has always insisted that he didnt want to ask me until we could actually afford to get married quite soon after - he doesnt agree in people being engaged for years and years and not actually getting married. He is quite traditional in that way, for that matter so am I.
GrayClouds Posted February 7, 2010 Posted February 7, 2010 (edited) Mouse it may sound counter intuitive but the best thing you can do right now is to work on yourself. You guy is going to make up his own mind, if he hasn't all ready. First it seems time to really work on this traumatic events early in your life. Find a professional to talk with about these, how they effect your behaviors and relationships. Find some books on the subjects such as: "Danace of Intimacy" for issue about commitment in relationships "The Journey from Aboundment to Healing" if there is abandonment issues "The Courage to Heal" healing from abuse. If he is will to do couple counseling togheter great. Most importantly you do individual counseling for yourself to keep from repeating pattern in future relationships. Let him know this is what yo need to be doing and hope that he can be there to support but the focus is going to be on you and making you whole and healthy. So even if he can not stand by you are going to be all you can be for your next realtionship. It amazing how lovable someone is when they truely love themselves. You do this work and you will be that person. Good luck and have courage. Doing this work may not keep you from loosing him but it will allow you to find yourself. It is hard to see and does not feel like it but this is the start of a healthier, happier you. It is time to transform from a little mouse to a nightly lioness. Edited February 7, 2010 by GrayClouds
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