EricaH329 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 And this goes for both females and males. For the first year of your relationship, your SO had no interest in hanging out with people of the opposite sex that they just met. After that year, they met a few people of the opposite sex that they became 'good' friends with. They begin treating them like they treat you. The only difference between them and you is the fact that there is a romantic relationship. Say that these 'good' friends get to see them more than your SO gets to see you. How would you feel about this?
Leia Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I wouldn't like it very much. Are you in this situation?
Author EricaH329 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 I wouldn't like it very much. Are you in this situation? Unfortunately I am. And he is in another country. Every time I see (through FB) him and one of the 3 'best' girl friends he has interact, it's almost more than he gives to our relationship. I was wondering if this was something to be upset over or if I was just over reacting.
Leia Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Unfortunately I am. And he is in another country. Every time I see (through FB) him and one of the 3 'best' girl friends he has interact, it's almost more than he gives to our relationship. I was wondering if this was something to be upset over or if I was just over reacting. How do you mean by he is treating the others like he is treating you? In any case, seeing that he is in a relationship with you, he should be treating you as his girlfriend and not treat others the same way. These girls are new friends, aren't they?
Author EricaH329 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 How do you mean by he is treating the others like he is treating you? In any case, seeing that he is in a relationship with you, he should be treating you as his girlfriend and not treat others the same way. These girls are new friends, aren't they? Yes, him and I have been in an off and on relationship for a year and half. He met these females about 5 months ago. For example, him and I have had many issues with communication. When I tell him that I feel as though he is not putting forth the effort to communicate with me, he would say (something along the lines of) "I'm so sorry, I swear I don't mean it." When I see him interacting with the females that he calls his 'best' friends, I see the same exact thing. Female: "Look whose ignoring me now." (Which implies he complained to begin with.) Him: "Omg, I am so sorry! I swear, I have a reason for it! I will explain tomorrow I swear!!!" I feel as though i'm immature for feeling the way that I do... but there is just something not right about this whole situation. I do not feel comfortable with it, at all.
Author EricaH329 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Either way, this is not a relationship that I feel is best for myself. I guess that's really all it comes down to.
ella23 Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 (edited) Say that these 'good' friends get to see them more than your SO gets to see you. This would be a concern for me. Anyway, how does it matter what others will do? You have to do what you think is best for you. Edited February 5, 2010 by ella23
Leia Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Yes, him and I have been in an off and on relationship for a year and half. He met these females about 5 months ago. For example, him and I have had many issues with communication. When I tell him that I feel as though he is not putting forth the effort to communicate with me, he would say (something along the lines of) "I'm so sorry, I swear I don't mean it." When I see him interacting with the females that he calls his 'best' friends, I see the same exact thing. Female: "Look whose ignoring me now." (Which implies he complained to begin with.) Him: "Omg, I am so sorry! I swear, I have a reason for it! I will explain tomorrow I swear!!!" I feel as though i'm immature for feeling the way that I do... but there is just something not right about this whole situation. I do not feel comfortable with it, at all. I was so tired from studying, I took a nap If you guys are having trouble communicating, then clearly the relationship itself is not working? If he says the same things to other girls, and he is also making up to them all the time then ... when does he make you feel extra special or even special as his girlfriend?? Either way, this is not a relationship that I feel is best for myself. I guess that's really all it comes down to. If you feel that way, you know what to do ... or do you think talking to him about this will perhaps, help your relationship?
Trusting_again Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 And this goes for both females and males. For the first year of your relationship, your SO had no interest in hanging out with people of the opposite sex that they just met. After that year, they met a few people of the opposite sex that they became 'good' friends with. They begin treating them like they treat you. The only difference between them and you is the fact that there is a romantic relationship. Say that these 'good' friends get to see them more than your SO gets to see you. How would you feel about this? I would say he is attracted to them in some way, either emotionally or physically if he is hanging with them so much. I would not put up with the new found buddies he finds so interesting. It is inappropriate to start this up after a year in a relationship. He should have more respect and consideration for your feelings. Wonder how he would like it?
Author EricaH329 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 (edited) I was so tired from studying, I took a nap It's alright! I really appreciate the help and advice you are giving me! If you guys are having trouble communicating, then clearly the relationship itself is not working? We have had major issues with communication in the past. This is the third time around for us, and he has been trying to work on it. I do give him credit, he has been putting in more effort than he ever has before. But this situation constantly upsets me. If he says the same things to other girls, and he is also making up to them all the time then ... when does he make you feel extra special or even special as his girlfriend?? That's such a good question!! I should add, that these girls have boyfriends. What I don't understand is that their boyfriends accept this sort of behaviour. Also, I see pictures of him kissing these girls on the cheek. I've asked him to not do that anymore, because it makes me feel uncomfortable. He actually argued with me about it, saying that they are like his sisters and it shouldn't bother me. But what I don't understand, is that they just recently became like his sisters within the past 5 months or so. If you feel that way, you know what to do ... or do you think talking to him about this will perhaps, help your relationship? I have talked to him about it, many times actually. Since him and I are trying to work on our relationship, I sort of feel like i'm out of place to be bothered about this situation. Like, this should be the least of our problems right now. But I just don't feel comfortable with this! I know this is something i'm either going to have to accept or not. But if I do not accept it, then i'm going to have to leave him and that's really the last thing that I want to do. EDIT: While I was typing this he texted me asking me what was wrong, and that he was guessing it was because of this situation I am explaining about to you all (I told him not to call me last night because I was upset and it'd be in both of our best interests if we waited until I calmed down a little bit). I told him that this is something him and I will need to talk about again whenever he gets the chance to call me, and he said that he agrees. What that means, basically, is he is going to tell me that I either have to accept the fact that he is really good friends with these females, or i'm going to have to walk away. I really don't know what to do. I would say he is attracted to them in some way, either emotionally or physically if he is hanging with them so much. I would not put up with the new found buddies he finds so interesting. It is inappropriate to start this up after a year in a relationship. He should have more respect and consideration for your feelings. Wonder how he would like it? You are so right. I've told him this many, many times and every time I say that he laughs at me. Saying that I don't know what i'm talking about. This is his reason for having so many good girl friends (keep in mind, he is in the military): "All the guys around me only want to go out and have sex with girls. That's not something i'm into, or looking for. The girls around here just want to go out and have a good time. They talk about meaningful stuff and they have grown on me." And while that reason is very valid (knowing men the in the military, they mostly do only want sex), the relationship he has grown to have with these girls is something I consider inappropriate. And when you said "Wonder how he would like it?" I seriously laughed. Because that's exactly what i've been thinking this entire time. Any time I bring up the fact that I want to hang out with my guy friends, I can literally hear the hesitation in his voice. He doesn't like it! But he doesn't say anything because he knows that he has no right to say anything. I'd like to thank everyone for the advice and help you all are giving me. I haven't talked to anyone about this, except him and you all. It really makes me feel better that i'm not alone in this, and that you girls agree with me. Thank you, truly! Edited February 5, 2010 by EricaH329
sunrae Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 My question is... Do they (the "best Friends") know about you? Do they know he's trying to work on his relationship with you? I have a few guy friends, who I enjoy hanging out with, that are just that my friends.. I have known them since college... Everythime a new guy comes into my life Everyone meets everyone, and my guy friends know about him and he knows about them, because I dont want there to be ANY misunderstanding what so ever....
Ronni_W Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Female: "Look whose ignoring me now." (Which implies he complained to begin with.) Him: "Omg, I am so sorry! I swear, I have a reason for it! I will explain tomorrow I swear!!!" Actually, Erica...I'm interpreting that a little differently. To me it sounds as if maybe the female had complained about being ignored...either by your b/f or someone else. Like, "First I got ignored by Person A...and now you're ignoring me, too!" And he gave her the same basic response he gives you: "Sorry - don't mean it - I swear" // "Sorry - I have a reason an excuse - I swear" Being able to maintain healthy, intimate, "enough" communications in an LDR is more difficult, of course, than when people are available in person. But, just based on this piece, it really doesn't sound as if he gets the importance of good communications (in ANY type of relationship) or takes responsibility for his side of communicating...with you or with that female. He's using a standard response to placate anyone who bitches about the way he does his side of keeping the relationship running smoothly (and sounding like he's hoping his "charm" will keep him out of trouble -- is that a possibility?)
Author EricaH329 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 My question is... Do they (the "best Friends") know about you? Do they know he's trying to work on his relationship with you? They do know about me. Even though they don't agree with him trying to work on a relationship with me (he tends to make situations out to be something that favors him). I'm not really worried about him hooking up with these girls, I do really believe that he isn't. What i'm most worried about is that he is giving these females equal (or more) attention as he is giving me, when our problems stem from communication and attention. I don't feel comfortable with these new found relationships. It's not fair that he is giving these females the attention that i've been longing for. And he just met them not too long ago!
Author EricaH329 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Actually, Erica...I'm interpreting that a little differently. To me it sounds as if maybe the female had complained about being ignored...either by your b/f or someone else. Like, "First I got ignored by Person A...and now you're ignoring me, too!" And he gave her the same basic response he gives you: "Sorry - don't mean it - I swear" // "Sorry - I have a reason an excuse - I swear" Being able to maintain healthy, intimate, "enough" communications in an LDR is more difficult, of course, than when people are available in person. But, just based on this piece, it really doesn't sound as if he gets the importance of good communications (in ANY type of relationship) or takes responsibility for his side of communicating...with you or with that female. He's using a standard response to placate anyone who bitches about the way he does his side of keeping the relationship running smoothly (and sounding like he's hoping his "charm" will keep him out of trouble -- is that a possibility?) Yes, yes, yes and YES!!!! He uses his charm to get himself out of every situation he ever gets into. It's funny that you mentioned that, because he just tried to get himself out of this situation by doing that same thing. Even though it's not right, nor fair, to be doing that... it upsets me that he would treat them the same way that he treats me. It's as if he has 4 girlfriends as opposed to just one. I will admit it makes me a little jealous that they get to spend more time with him than I do (considering we are thousands of miles away), but the way that he treats them is what's really bothering me. EDIT: And I would like to add that he just recently started caring about how I felt referring to his communication issues. All the while, he has been trying to keep these other females happy.
Ronni_W Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 What i'm most worried about is that he is giving these females equal (or more) attention as he is giving me, when our problems stem from communication and attention. Like I said above...it really sounds more as if he ignores them the exact same as he does you. I think it's his own beliefs about the value of communications in any relationship -- kind of like he is clueless about how important communications are to helping others feel special, cared for, appreciated, etc. Maybe you could ask him what are his thoughts about the 'function' of communications and how he uses it for his own benefit, growth, enjoyment of life, etc.? Maybe he's missing something important about it, and you could help with his learning/understanding?
carhill Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Say that these 'good' friends get to see them more than your SO gets to see you. How would you feel about this? I would feel non-prioritized and end the relationship. The SO always has a choice to prioritize their primary relationship. BTW, to me, it wouldn't matter what gender the friends were.
Author EricaH329 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Like I said above...it really sounds more as if he ignores them the exact same as he does you. I think it's his own beliefs about the value of communications in any relationship -- kind of like he is clueless about how important communications are to helping others feel special, cared for, appreciated, etc. Maybe you could ask him what are his thoughts about the 'function' of communications and how he uses it for his own benefit, growth, enjoyment of life, etc.? Maybe he's missing something important about it, and you could help with his learning/understanding? That is a very good point. When him and I lived together, it was as if he knew the importance of communication. It wasn't until he left for the military that his knowledge went out of the window. I think it's because he realized the amount of charm he has, and is using it to his advantage. Either way, I feel as though i'm not the only one in a relationship with him. Not to mention, i'm constantly seeing pictures of him and these other females kissing (on the cheek) and he takes pictures of solely them and puts them up all over the internet, and yet he doesn't have one picture of me anywhere.
sunrae Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 I would feel non-prioritized and end the relationship. The SO always has a choice to prioritize their primary relationship. BTW, to me, it wouldn't matter what gender the friends were. I agree with Carhill... Erica, I think he should want to make you a priority and show you that you are to him, especially since you have voiced your concerns to him. From all the post I have read by you. You have a great big heart, and are a truely caring person and you deserve someone that sees that in you and treats you wonderfully and makes you a priority.
Author EricaH329 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 I agree with Carhill... Erica, I think he should want to make you a priority and show you that you are to him, especially since you have voiced your concerns to him. From all the post I have read by you. You have a great big heart, and are a truely caring person and you deserve someone that sees that in you and treats you wonderfully and makes you a priority. Thank you Sunrae! You and Carhill are right. I should be a priority to him, and it feels as though i'm not. Well, maybe I am, but i'm the same number on his priority list as his other girl friends. Which should be unacceptable. I'm going to need to talk to him about this. Thank you everyone for your advice!!
Leia Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Erica, in full agreement with everyone here ... I don't have much to say except if I was in your situation, I would end it. I don't like to be treated the same as his girl friends and second best.
Ronni_W Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Yep, I get it's pretty much two separate issues: His lack of good "romantic relationship" communication skills, as well as him possibly developing inappropriate/too-familiar relationships with other females. It's almost like you'll have to pick which problem to solve first, isn't it? I'd suspect work on helping him improve his communication skills (including listening) first -- and then hopefully he'll be able to hear and understand and respond effectively when you express how his behaviour with the other females is impacting you. I would caution against making it about the other females, though -- it is HIS attitude/behaviour towards you, and HIS lack of relationship skills that are creating concerns and undesirable feelings for you. (I'm just guessing here, that if it was his mom or cousins or whomever to whom he was paying similar levels of attention, you would still feel exactly the same way...and rightly so.) I think it's because he realized the amount of charm he has, and is using it to his advantage. Well, it's also that people are letting him get away with things based only on his charm. (If I had any, I'd also try to use it to my full advantage -- and if everyone would just let me get away with it...bonus for me! Is how I'd see it.) When he tries to pull that crap on you, why not just say along the lines of, "Yes Honey, you're cute as a button and cuddly and everything...but let's save all of that for until AFTER we have a meaningful conversation / AFTER we resolve this issue, okay?" Best of luck, Erica. Sometimes it just feels like "men will be boys", huh? But. We gotta love 'em, anyway...cos they really can be cute as buttons, and cuddly, and everything
Author EricaH329 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Yep, I get it's pretty much two separate issues: His lack of good "romantic relationship" communication skills, as well as him possibly developing inappropriate/too-familiar relationships with other females. It's almost like you'll have to pick which problem to solve first, isn't it? I'd suspect work on helping him improve his communication skills (including listening) first -- and then hopefully he'll be able to hear and understand and respond effectively when you express how his behaviour with the other females is impacting you. I would caution against making it about the other females, though -- it is HIS attitude/behaviour towards you, and HIS lack of relationship skills that are creating concerns and undesirable feelings for you. (I'm just guessing here, that if it was his mom or cousins or whomever to whom he was paying similar levels of attention, you would still feel exactly the same way...and rightly so.) Well, it's also that people are letting him get away with things based only on his charm. (If I had any, I'd also try to use it to my full advantage -- and if everyone would just let me get away with it...bonus for me! Is how I'd see it.) When he tries to pull that crap on you, why not just say along the lines of, "Yes Honey, you're cute as a button and cuddly and everything...but let's save all of that for until AFTER we have a meaningful conversation / AFTER we resolve this issue, okay?" Best of luck, Erica. Sometimes it just feels like "men will be boys", huh? But. We gotta love 'em, anyway...cos they really can be cute as buttons, and cuddly, and everything Yes, so cute and cuddly. Makes me just wanna squeeze their eye balls out (more so in this case)! You are totally right. He is using it to his advantage because he can, and is able to get away with it. I actually remember the exact conversation we had when he tried using his charm to win me over, and I allowed it to happen. He has not stopped doing that since. I refuse to be on the same level as his other girl friends. I should be the most important female in his life (with the exception of family). And especially since he has met these girls after he met me, there is no reason or excuse as to why he is treating them the same as he is treating me. I'm not coming in between a lifelong friendship. Unfortunatly, I can already see how this plays out. I'm going to have to take it or leave it. He is not mentally in the position to change anything about himself. I suppose this will all come down to how much self respect I have for myself. We will soon find out.
sunrae Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Erica, When is his tour over and coming back to the states? Is there anyway, you can just put things on hold until he gets back and is closer and then see how things go? I know you were engaged at one time and still care for him and want to try to work things out. I also know being in a relationship with with a person in the military isnt easy either. I was married to one and dated one for a few years until he was deployed and came back a very different person. ((((((Hugs)))))
Author EricaH329 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Posted February 5, 2010 Erica, When is his tour over and coming back to the states? Is there anyway, you can just put things on hold until he gets back and is closer and then see how things go? I know you were engaged at one time and still care for him and want to try to work things out. I also know being in a relationship with with a person in the military isnt easy either. I was married to one and dated one for a few years until he was deployed and came back a very different person. ((((((Hugs))))) Oh yes, I am very familiar with the 'leaving for the military and coming back a different person' concept. It's tragic, really. He still has 3 more years in the military. He wants to move me out to where he is stationed and get married, but we have so many issues that I don't know if I can even handle all of this. I want so badly for him to understand what he is doing, but I have the feeling he never will. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. He feels as though i'm over reacting and there's nothing to be upset about. Honestly, i've tried to brush all of this under the rug and pass it off as nothing. But it constantly keeps coming up, and i've gotten to the point where I just don't know if this is something I can deal with. I'm beginning to think we both want different things out of a relationship. He is so extremely laid back, that absolutely nothing bothers him. If i'm affected by the way he does something... he tells me he will change it only to please me. He doesn't really grasp the idea of what he is doing. And I feel he never will. We have been working on our relationship from day one, a year and a half ago. It would kill me to let this all slip away because of something that I can just ignore (if I tried hard enough). But at the same time, it's not fair that i'm the one that has to ignore and pass all of these things off just because he doesn't feel like it's necessary to do anything about. Ugh.
USMCHokie Posted February 5, 2010 Posted February 5, 2010 Standby for response...I came late to the party and there's already so much to go through...
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